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  #1  
Old 07-30-2011, 02:40 AM
pursuitofhappyness pursuitofhappyness is offline
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Default How do I deal with this?

I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
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Old 07-30-2011, 03:25 AM
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His relationship with her is newer, right? Of course there's a different kind of excitement there. Just because he says things to her that he doesn't say to you does not mean he doesn't love you deeply, and does not mean he doesn't respect you. Let him have his infatuation. If you met a new bf tomorrow, you'd likely be gushing, too, and saying things you don't say to hubby. Let it go... it's a different relationship, and be secure in what you have. Until you found that, were you feeling happy and satisfied? Well, go right now and make a list of ten things that make you happy about your relationship. I am sure it will be very easy to find those things you're grateful for.
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Old 07-30-2011, 03:38 AM
pursuitofhappyness pursuitofhappyness is offline
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Default I agree...but

Thanks for the reply. I agree that a newer relationship should be full of energy and fun. However this is a person that he was involved with before, and we separated over his relationship with her. He lost all perspective on our marriage and family. She came first.

They stopped seeing eachother before because it got too intense, and her husband and I were not happy with what it was doing to our marriages. I had already left him when they stopped seeing eachother, and then he wanted to make our marriage his priority.

I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.
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Old 07-30-2011, 03:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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So, you have a rule that he is not allowed to have feelings for anyone else? I would say you need to find a way to reach compersion.
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:18 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Is he treating you differently since he's been back with her? Is your relationship with him healthy? I suggest you stick to what's relevant, especially since you admit that you just looked at his messages on a whim, and not because you had other evidence that he was hiding something from you or being deceptive (and even if that be the case, there are other avenues to explore without resorting to "self help" at the first opportunity). Do you think it's necessary that he know you snooped in his FB? If you truly do have a problem with what you read, then I venture the suggestion that there is something else bothering you that has nothing to do with the girlfriend, although she does make a convenient scapegoat.

But I don't know you and you didn't share many details, so I'm just running the last of the caffeine off the top of my head.

"Caffeine" doesn't follow the "i" before "e" except-after-"c" rule... I tried to do it like that and spell-check yelled at me.
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, you have a rule that he is not allowed to have feelings for anyone else? I would say you need to find a way to reach compersion.
That's easy to say, Cindie... Partnered poly peeps NEED to get a handle on how their NRE is affecting their primary's feelings. If he's riding roughshod over his wife's feelings (for a second time!) and neglecting her needs, the ball is in his court to pay attention to her, even shower her with attention. We see on RobertCourage's thread how often married polys (men and women) just go ahead full steam with their new person and pretty much completely forget about their primary (and even their children). It's not right. It's WRONG.
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:37 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It's not right. It's WRONG.
Ooh i love this kind of rhetoric.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness View Post
I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.
You ALLOWED. I think there is something you are not getting here. You didn't allow him too, you chose to be with him when he also loves another. I wonder how much you understand what he feels. I guess now you can really work on it all now that you know how deep his love is. That is not something that should be frown upon but celebrated. Love is better of expanding rather than controlled and made to be scarce in our relationship lives. He loves her, but he has realized that his marriage is also as much to love. How he expresses that is different because it is different.

I think if I were in your position I would not ever read his stuff again, give him the benefit of the doubt... maybe she is just needy in terms of hearing that kind of thing... maybe that is her way of feeling loved is to hear it... if it is yours also I suggest you get about telling him that. No need to expect him to know. Ask to be spoken to that way!
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, I still must dissent. Seems to me this Other Woman puts her h into such a tailspin, he loses all sense of moderation and proportion. He started up a "physical relationship" (fucking?) again with her, without his wife's knowledge or consent?

Quibbling aside over her use of the word "allowed," he is not being open and honest to his primary. That's just a big no-no.

And, once again, she feels:

Quote:
a pulling away and distance.
Seems sketchy to me.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #10  
Old 07-30-2011, 05:08 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness View Post
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
I have had several online relationships that are exciting but turn out to be unexciting in person. The textual connection is, imo, its own thing. Someone who gets what you write and writes you back in a way that is stimulating is special, but it may not translate beyond text. Instead of assuming your partner is doing things that he fails to do with you, you could look at it as him doing something online that he can't do in person. The way he expresses himself to you in person may be the most he can muster in face-to-face contact. If he meets with her in person, the textual relationship may not translate at all.
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