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  #1  
Old 07-28-2011, 11:04 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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So Upfront I am not poly.

I started talking to this woman a few months ago. She is wonderful, she popped on me a couple weeks into getting to know each other that she is poly. I understood this and told her it was worth me sticking around and seeing what came of us. We are both into dancing and she travels the country for her specific style of dance. She comes back from one of her events and tells me she saw this guy that she hooked up with on a cruise but nothing happened at this time. Though he would be coming to our town for an event in a couple weeks. She made no promises nothing will happen. Well the weekend has come and passed, I asked her not to tell me if anything happened. Though I don't think it would bother me, I don't want to risk it. Of course I assume they did and that doesn't bother me. But during the weekend she would come up to me and kiss me and hug me, and give me that look that just let me know everything was going to be ok, that on sunday when he left it was us again. Not to worry. I was so calm because of these things, I have a feeling I am going to fall for her fast. I just want to be best prepared for what everything is about. I am happy that she can love multiple people, not exactly happy about her hooking up with someone but I am not fuming mad either. I am new to all of this. The more I read and talk to her the more I feel safe with her, I know she would never hurt me unless it was because we just don't work. I know I would like to one day be her primary. Whether I embrace the poly lifestyle or stay non-poly. Any advice at this point is more than helpful, books, tips that helped you anything.
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  #2  
Old 07-29-2011, 01:35 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Take a look at "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. You do not have to buy into everything in either of these books but they will introduce some basic concepts.

Have you talked with your new love interest about what you both want? That's always a good place to start regardless of where you end up.
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Old 07-29-2011, 01:59 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Yes we talk everyday about it. We have discussed how it works, boundaries, informing each other of a new person, limits. She is very understanding with me and patient. I am doing my best to understand and be there for her. Whatever that aspect may be.
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Old 07-29-2011, 03:41 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It would be a really good idea I think to find out about how she sees sex and love and everything in between. Are hook ups how she sees poly for her self? Or is she looking for a poly fi situation? Is she looking for a primary? Or does she want to be single and have many lovers? All big questions and might mean that you can get some idea of where you stand in terms of future, longevity of this relationship and boundaries you might have.

There is a book recommendation thread sticky here and TONs to read. Maybe do a tag search for what you find interesting and get her involved. "Mono/poly" comes to mind as does "lessons" and "foundations."
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Old 07-29-2011, 04:29 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Talking with her, she is looking for a relationship with someone. We are still building ours because she has been hurt in the past (poly couple) and it will take time between us to show that the fears she has from them won't happen from me. I know if I do enter into a poly relationship with her, she has stated that I am the closest thing to a primary and she doesn't see me being unseated from that position. She also has a fwb, she has stated that she would either keep him or find a gf closer to replace him. She is looking to settle down eventually and have a family and kids. Also I am on the fence, I am not sure if I can do this as a mono or poly. I am interested to explore and see what I can do. I don't want to force her to commit to me and only me, but I know we have talked about it and it is a possibility. I feel that it is wrong for her to give her life up, that is why I am here and looking, reading, trying, and just seeing if this is something I can really do. When I get back from my work trip I have three books I am planning to pick up.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you haven't discussed safer sex practices, that is another important thing to talk about.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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