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Old 07-26-2011, 04:15 AM
polynerdist polynerdist is offline
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Default managing emotions so you don't lose your mind and do/say things you regret later

In my experience, having multiple partners, or being with someone who does, tends to bring up a lot of intense emotions. Heck, relationships do, period. Jealousy, guilt, sadness, manic euphoria of NRE - coping with all these can be really difficult.

I'm curious how people manage their emotional ups and downs. What techniques do you use? How do you avoid becoming totally reactive when emotional and doing and saying things you regret later?

To start the conversation I'll offer up as fodder part of my personal take on this issue which I wrote about here: Controlling emotional reactions

The title is not quite right, because it's not so much about controlling our emotions as it is about keeping from losing our minds when emotional.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:45 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Hi PN, nice to see you here.

I can tell you what I would like to do (I'm not always the best at not just being reactive). If I conciously think about it I sit with what I'm feeling until I get to the root behiend it and can talk about it in a less emotional manner.

I also use more than one method to relay what's going on for me. I'll talk about things and then write about them, either here on in a letter. I express myself better through the written word a lot of the time, especially when it comes to emotionally charged topics.

Sometimes the blowout conversations do happen though. And it's not always a bad thing when they do. I find that sometimes it's the best way to get to what's going on authentically. As long as the conversation (fight) is based around what happened rather than personal attacks it can still be useful. The talking and crying can be very cathartic and in some strange way bring you closer together. (at least that's been my experience).

Some of what happens in poly isn't easy to foresee and as such the first time it happens you might do and say things that you regret. We're all human, we learn from these experiences. When I've said or done something that I regret I look at what was going on for me and I try to articulate how where my boundaries are around the situation.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:46 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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And now I'll go read what you had to say on the subject
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Old 07-26-2011, 06:00 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Instead of managing some of my more intense emotions I've communicated what changes this brings about in me to my partner. There are times where I have to vent so I give fair warning that what I am about to do is "venting" and then I can think about it rationally. I spout off a bunch of mostly nonsense which relieves my internal pressure and after a cool down period I can see and think clearly again.

There are some emotions that I know will pass and will only cause my partner emotional uncertainty so I've learned to repress them until, like a rain cloud, they dissipate.

I know this approach is not very enlightened but I also know it works for me...I think
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:34 AM
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Hi

I read your post on emotions and it was really helpful. I decided I need to read Radical Acceptance by Tara Branch but it isn't available in Australia so I've had to order it on Amazon. I couldn't even download it on Kindle.

I am a very emotional person (at least my partner thinks so) and dealing with my emotions is an ongoing process. Polyamory seems to trigger my emotions more than anything else, in my current relationship. I try to observe them, remember they are only feelings and that I can decide how I'm going to react. Things are much more peaceful as a result but I really think I need that book because I can't seem to maintain a state of peace for very long.
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:37 AM
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@ Sage - maintaining peace takes practice. Read a book, sure, but the key is putting that into practice, everyday. Slowly it becomes easier and more natural. I've been working bringing awareness into my life since 2008 and it's only this year that I finding it a natural thing to do. So practice, and have patience with yourself.

@PolyNerd - Your blog is awesome. There is a lot there so I haven't read it all yet. But what you're writing about it definitely a key to a better way of managing not only emotions, but our entire approach to life. I believe this is where humans are headed, a new way of being. It's exciting to be part of it.

Have you looked into Integral Theory? You might be interested in what they have to say.

For me personally, for the past 3 months I've been doing a particular meditation I read in a book. After simply doing this meditation every morning for 5 minutes I have found that I can slip into during waking life and bring myself to a level of awareness that I wasn't able to before. This is definitely helping in managing emotions, and now I can stop myself in the middle of a ranting conversation, bring myself back into focus, and try and concentrate on what is really going on behind these emotions.

I love that the poly world is more aware than most communities. It's exciting to finally be able to talk to others about this stuff!
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