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Old 07-21-2011, 08:06 PM
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Default lifestyle vs. identity in polyamory

I get the feeling that some people become polyamourous as a lifestyle choice and some because they are naturally born that way and didn't know it was an option until now. What are your thoughts on that?
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Old 07-21-2011, 08:24 PM
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Choice ... this doesn't sound familiar, at least as far as I experienced it. I would have never choosen this out of free will, it scared me in the beginning. But I couldn't feel otherwise. I don't think that I have had a choice or even a say in this matter somehow. It just happened and I had to cope with it.

I won't judge those who heard of the term and it's meaning and felt something resonating within them, but as far as I am concerned, I would say it was just there somehow without me seeking it or even welcoming it.
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Old 07-21-2011, 08:40 PM
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I know some people who choose a poly lifestyle until as they can't find a monogamous partner that is suitable or they don't want to commit. Kind of like a viable dating alternative amongst their friends and outter circle. When someone comes along that is a keeper they settle down into monogamy quite happily.
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-21-2011 at 08:42 PM.
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Old 07-21-2011, 09:05 PM
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Maybe my definition of poly is quite narrow or something along those lines, but they can choose to love all those in order to widen their "field of possible partner material" and later just skipped those that they do not feel enough for and settle down with one of them? Was the feeling for “the rest” there at all if this is possible?

I have problems understanding this, maybe because of my personal situation. To think that there is something like an on/off switch that flips back when "the one and only" comes along is unthinkable now, as far as I am concerned, if there was love beforehand. Because this love should be equal to the one that develops when a new person comes into one's life. Love is too deep and too demanding. I can't imagine how this love can be as committed and lasting as the one, I experienced as love. I have never “chosen” to love someone.

It is hard to judge how a person feels in comparison to oneself, I don't think this is 100% possible in any case at all if I am honest, but for me this would mean: I choose to life polyamorous now and that there could be a time I meet a person more dear to me than my friend or husband now who makes me consider monogamy again and to fall out of love with those two?

To sum this up: isn't polyamory about love? Can one choose to love? And is a chosen love (as far as I understand it, a “forced” one) the same as the one that just develops on it's own?

*mumbles* this really got me confused now *scratches head*
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Old 07-21-2011, 09:16 PM
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Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.
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Old 07-21-2011, 09:28 PM
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Its something I think came natural years ago when I always had just multiple guy friends, and feelings for those multiple guy. Something I closed off for more years when I married and adopted a monogamous mind. Then opened up again and chose now after encouragement.
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Maybe there are degrees of love that would make it that you could kinda love and care about several people to a certain extent and then find that you fall head over heels for one person and they become your everything so you become monogamous with them. Hence a poly lifestyle. Kind of like swinging. Its more of a weekend warrior thing. With a poly lifestyle it could be just for now. Its more honest than dating and possibly creates more depth I would think.
I think I have come to the conclusion that everyone in my life that I have loved, I have loved them in their own individual way. Meaning that each one "owns" that love. Some more intense than others but still differently in some way...just my thoughts and conclusions because Love, to me, has so so sooo many different levels.
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Old 07-22-2011, 07:50 PM
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I would hazard a guess that some people believe monogamy or even long term monogamoy to be a priveldge in the dating/relationship world.
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Old 07-22-2011, 08:33 PM
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Default hi, newbie around!

after reading you all here, there would be so many words coming out from me, 'cause the thread is very interesting, but i limit my thoughts' river with:

IMO of course there are people who are born poly, who have always seen one's own self being poly but choosed for this current incarnation very difficult circumstances to live poly peacefully; some of us may keep on running in circles meeting humans which are not there for poly or, worst, people who think they are there for poly unions just to discover in a while that it was not true
so, for instance there are some of "us" poly from our birth who have to renounce to gather in a poly-marriage nor in a couple-relation.
there are some shifty-little-separated circumstances left to.. aehm..choose..

i must add: one's place of living may not help in meeting souls with same direction and intention.
(hope my written english is understandable enough...i've been postponing my posts and for a period my reading here, tonight i just jumped!)
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I get the feeling that some people become polyamourous as a lifestyle choice and some because they are naturally born that way and didn't know it was an option until now. What are your thoughts on that?
we are human. unlike most animals in that respect we live in a different condition that merges instinct, genetics and our individual personalities as they develop our forward logic. I think if we are "hard wired" for anything it is sex in general. By that I mean ALL forms of sexual activity. It is the summation of our personality traits and growth that bring us to hard wiring of what type of sex we prefer. For me homosexuality is a gray area because I do believe that can be a genetic trait as well as a combined trait that can develop from the summation of the personality with genetics or instinct.
I think the way to tell when a person is just "playing it" so to speak is when they fall into circular logic. "This is that or I am this because this is that or I am that because that is that and i am this."

As advanced as we are it stands to reason some parts of us complete others in what we truly are as they develop. Not always or specifically from just birth.
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