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Old 07-21-2011, 06:13 AM
newbiepoly newbiepoly is offline
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Red face starting to date a couple...

So, I just had a 2nd date tonight with a m/f couple who are poly and they are amazing people. This is really the first time I've started dating a couple and exploring my poly side. I'm both nervous and excited. I have noticed that, even though being poly wasn't really something that was obvious for me before I discovered it, it still feels right and like something/someone I will be for the rest of my life...
anyone else feel this way?

I am also scared of becoming the 3rd wheel... because I am new to poly, is this a common fear that often doesn't really happen? or is it something that will need time, work, experiences, etc?

thanks
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Old 07-21-2011, 10:05 AM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Yes, it's a common fear. I joined a couple in October. We focus on time together --spending time as a group, but also breaking into couples-- to build individual friendships/relationships. My couple is long term poly; they make an effort to provide individual time.

My couple has been together for 17 years, so I was a bit intimidated. They know everything about each other and I was learning about everything from allergies to inside jokes. Their shared history bothered me until I started listening to the stories, and realizing that we would be making our own memories. After only 9 months, we've got some amazing memories - a Broadway play, quiet times in upscale restaurants, shopping adventures, even buying furniture together.

Welcome to this wonderful journey.
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:18 PM
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Try doing a tag search on here for "secondary" or "unicorn" there might be some like minded things to think about.

I'm not sure what you are asking with your first question about feeling the same way. At first glance I want to say, "ya, this whole forum feels that way." But maybe you meant something more specific?
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Old 07-22-2011, 06:59 AM
newbiepoly newbiepoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Try doing a tag search on here for "secondary" or "unicorn" there might be some like minded things to think about.

I'm not sure what you are asking with your first question about feeling the same way. At first glance I want to say, "ya, this whole forum feels that way." But maybe you meant something more specific?
So I had heard about this 'Unicorn' thing before and looked it up via google...

"refers to a pretty and otherwise dateable bi female who is willing to date a couple."

hmm... I didn't realize this was such a difficult thing, but I can definitely understand it.


What I was referring to with the first question was this: It seems alot of people "knew" they were poly their whole lives. I never knew my whole life, but this still feels right.
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Old 07-22-2011, 09:43 PM
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Setxfamily Setxfamily is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newbiepoly View Post
What I was referring to with the first question was this: It seems alot of people "knew" they were poly their whole lives. I never knew my whole life, but this still feels right.
That is not quite true. Where I have been but I did not realise it until a few years ago when my lady meet this fellow and she found she actually had feeling for him as well. She had never even discussed or entratained the ideas in her mind that she would ever feel like that about anyone else but me. But she found that it was quite a natural and comfortable feeling and slipped right into the poly lifestyle with out to many problems.

Until he entereted our life we had never even hard of polyamory or even considered such a life style. But looking back I realized that it had always been lurking in the back of my mind.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:41 PM
newbiepoly newbiepoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Setxfamily View Post
That is not quite true. Where I have been but I did not realise it until a few years ago when my lady meet this fellow and she found she actually had feeling for him as well. She had never even discussed or entratained the ideas in her mind that she would ever feel like that about anyone else but me. But she found that it was quite a natural and comfortable feeling and slipped right into the poly lifestyle with out to many problems.

Until he entereted our life we had never even hard of polyamory or even considered such a life style. But looking back I realized that it had always been lurking in the back of my mind.
huh! cool! It's always fun learning about other people's new experiences
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:41 PM
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or is it something that will need time, work, experiences, etc?

thanks
TAADAAA!! There's your main answer I felt like a third whell for quite a while when it came to PN and RP. Now I don't. I think it took me a year and a half to get over that though..I move slowly
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:39 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Newbie,

First - congrats to you for seeing beyond labels and stereotypes and general public myths. The whole '3rd wheel' drama is firmly rooted in the monogamous public perception and ruins a lot of otherwise potentially beautiful relationships.

That said, Clair offered some nice little commentary acknowledging the facts of 'history' and how you will be building your own new 'history' going forward (ALL of you!).

I often explain that it's really no different than beginning a new job or any other new social activity. You are the 'outsider' at first and it will take some variable amount of time before you really feel like an 'insider'. We deal with this throughout our lives - it's not really that big a deal. A little uncomfortable for some at first but the more you do it the more it gets easier.
Why some people think that this should not exist in the realm of relationships is beyond me ! <chuckle>

It's ok to just say "OK guys - remember I'm the outsider - so be kind to me " With a smile.

You'll be fine. Keep things in perspective and above all - ENJOY !

GS
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