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Old 11-23-2009, 04:39 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Thirds in a V-from the perspective of a hinge

So-we have this V.

Myself, Maca and GreenGecko.

I am the hinge. I have had long term (11 yrs and 16 yrs respectively) with them. So there is a long-defined pattern to our relationships. This is changing, specifically because we are now an established V.

**** complication to dynamic****
We all live together.
We're raising our kids in a quad not a V.
My sister is part of the familiy dynamic in nearly all ways-just not sexually with any of us.

Anyway-throughout the length of our marriage (Maca and I) GG has had a "secondary" type of role in most areas of our lives, and less in some.

For example: he could pipe in opinions in regard to the kid-but the final decisions were utimately mine and Maca's. Now to clarify-we always took his thoughts and feelings into consideration, he's not one to say something if it's not important. But it was OUR choice.
In regards to sex, sexual behavior, partners etc, he had no say so and we generally didn't discuss it with him....

Well... this last week really brought home to me one of the significant changes in our "family".

In the space of one week I've been propositioned by someone new.
Maca has been propositioned by someone new.
Maca has participated in a sexual relationship with someone new.

In recieving my proposition (which occurred first) it became glaringly obvious to me on a personal emotional level that this was just something I couldn't do without BOTH of my men being agreeable. Now-it was moot, as I didn't accept the proposition for personal reasons, but the lesson was SO pertinent.

GG is a third in our family.. but he's PRIMARY in our lives and now that the dynamic has changed-that means taking his needs/wants/desires in before decisions are made is a NECESSITY-not an OPTION.

I think this may be where there is a falling apart in some V's and Triads. I think that maybe the "original" couple forgets that this other person may be "new" to the dynamic.This person is invested in the relationship however and their needs MUST be equal priority for it to work.

I only briefly discussed this with Maca, in that I mentioned to him that I could not and would not participate with another lover (even WITH him) without consulting with GG first.

It's not that GG's needs hold priority over Maca's. They don't. It's that they are no LESS important than Maca's.

So-anyway-when all this popped up I was thinking "wow this reminds me of Ceoli's post" (the thirdness of being third). I thought about it for the last couple days and realized-I don't want GG to feel that way. I want him to KNOW that he IS a full 3rd of this partnership. Not some smaller portion.....
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:47 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I think this may be where there is a falling apart in some V's and Triads. I think that maybe the "original" couple forgets that this other person may be "new" to the dynamic.This person is invested in the relationship however and their needs MUST be equal priority for it to work.
Yep. While recognizing that not all triads and V's are built on a dynamic of equity, I think there are many many couples that claim to seek this. The trouble is they almost never realize that they still consider that third person disposable for the sake of saving the primary relationship. That relationship tends to always take priority over the needs of the third. If that's what it is, then fine. But stop claiming to want or have an equal partner in that case, cuz that just ain't what it is.

It sounds like you've transcended that barrier gracefully.
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:01 AM
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Yep. While recognizing that not all triads and V's are built on a dynamic of equity, I think there are many many couples that claim to seek this. The trouble is they almost never realize that they still consider that third person disposable for the sake of saving the primary relationship. That relationship tends to always take priority over the needs of the third. If that's what it is, then fine. But stop claiming to want or have an equal partner in that case, cuz that just ain't what it is.

It sounds like you've transcended that barrier gracefully.
Thank you Ceoli. I take that compliment (last sentence) with a HUGE heart coming from you.

I wonder if the length of my relationships with both men prior to "going poly" has anything to do with my feelings. I can't KNOW if I would feel differently if I hadn't had them here so long. But I THINK I wouldn't.

I find myself a little (smaller little each day) worried that Maca won't reach that point as "smoothly". But then things happen, like this weekend. He knew I was "on edge" with the drama with my Godchildren. He had his first "date" and asked GG to please be there with me/for me EVEN IF I SAID I DIDN'T NEED HIM TO BE. That really suprised me. In the past he would rather I be alone and miserable then ask GG to be with me FOR ANYTHING.

But he's finding himself finally. His TRUE self and God-he's amazing Ceoli!! I can't believe what he's learned and so quickly. And the things he's learning are truly changing the way he deals with the world, our family, GG and his whole life!

I remember when you wrote started that thread, it caught my heart and brought tears to my eyes contemplating how... cold. That's the word, it seemed to elaborate on how COLD people can be. I thought, "I don't want to be that cold to ANYONE in my life, but certainly not one of the precious people I am already deeply, madly in love with."

And I'm SO glad I read that post at the BEGINNING of these changes, it's helped me be so much more consciously aware of the possible problems, which has helped me to navigate more carefully around them!

So thank you and thank you again!!!
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:03 AM
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I get a lot of grief for not accepting or wanting equality within our "v". I know a lot of this has to do with my traditional background. I cannot view their marriage as anything but primary and priority. I don't mind this..in fact it is the key to me being able to be so healthy and have such compersion for their relationship.
I'm probably going to hear it from Redpepper for this comment...but then it's "make up time" !! Woohoo!
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:08 AM
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Mono-I get your point.

But it is a different dynamic.

You don't live with them, so expenses and household things aren't joint.
You don't share a child with them (GG helped raising my oldest and he's the bio-dad of Maca and I's youngest)
You came in the picture 7 months ago? 8? I can't recall. But GG has been my best friend since 1992... I married Maca in 1999. .....

Few differences.
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:22 AM
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Mono-I get your point.

But it is a different dynamic.

Few differences.
That's a lot actually LOL!!

Very cool LR
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:14 AM
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And I'm SO glad I read that post at the BEGINNING of these changes, it's helped me be so much more consciously aware of the possible problems, which has helped me to navigate more carefully around them!
That makes me feel really good. So thank YOU for listening!
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:18 AM
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That makes me feel really good. So thank YOU for listening!
No problem Ceoli-I searched high and low for people I could relate to. But the other part of it for me was people to learn from. I don't need someone to say "be kind and talk" (no shit sherlock). What I need is to avoid having to experience every screw up myself!

It's been AWESOME to be able to read through some of the heartbreaks and logical conclusions FROM those heartbreaks, with great suggestions for AVOIDING those same heartbreaks on this forum.

I wish more people would just read-I read through thread all the time and sometimes never say anything. But I always learn something!
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