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Old 07-19-2011, 12:07 AM
confusedme confusedme is offline
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Default Jealousy is destroying my "secondary" relationships

First off pardon any grammatical errors. I need help. I have been in a relationship with my wife now for 9 years, married for 7. We have had an "open" relationship almost from the very beginning, but no emotions were ever involved. The open part of our relationship was always in bouts, never for a set period of time. In March of this year we decided to open things back up. I met someone and the spark was instant. I felt confused, lost, like I was betraying my wife for having these feelings. I noticed my feelings for wife were not fading. I started looking for answers, looking for what was wrong with me. I stumbled across the word polyamory, I had my answer. Everything started to make sense. As I read I could relate to everything, and realized I had been polyamorous my whole life, and I didn't even know it. I didn't know anything other than what I had been told.

On to the problem. I feel no jealousy. Before anyone starts doubting and saying "you have to feel some jealousy" I assure you I feel none. My wife, on the other hand is my polar opposite in the matter of jealousy. I will admit at time envy has crossed my mind, but even then very little. When I finally came out to my wife that I was poly, shit hit the fan. We worked through things. So I had my "other" we will call her C, and she eventually found hers shortly after. He is a great guy, we have a lot of mutual respect for one another. We will refer to him as J. So my wife arranges a weekend, J comes to my place, and I go to C's place. That arrangement went well. My wife would go to J's every weekend and spend the whole weekend there. I had no problems with this, but when it came time for me to go see C, I would get texts and phone calls to come home. I had a problem with this. Well C and I wanted different things from the relationship, so we parted ways. My wife continued to see J almost every weekend. I gave her the time to build her relationship with J.

Eventually I moved on. I found someone else I made a connection with, someone I had known for 5 plus years. We will call her A. I'm going to try and make this short and to the point. I was catching jealousy from both sides. A was jealous when I was with my wife, and my wife was jealous when I was with A. A ended up leaving. She eventually sent me an angry message saying my wife would never give us enough time. That my wife had my balls in a vice. I speak to my wife about jealousy. I ask her to control her jealousy. I told her that when her jealousy starts causing problems with my other relationships I have a problem with that. I'm not telling her not to feel jealousy, but asking her to control from having an outburst. When she feels jealousy to come and talk to me about it, so we can work it out verbally. Am I being unreasonable in my request, or am I being insensitive to her emotions. please help. Any resources that might be helpful would also be appreciated.
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Old 07-19-2011, 12:27 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hi Confused! Sorry to hear about everything you're going through. There are some great essays about managing jealousy on this site - http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Frankly I would put my foot down in this situation. Your wife's feelings are real, but she is responsible for controlling them. It's like if you had decided as a couple that you wanted to save money for your goals, but while you were diligently cutting down on spending, she was making impulse buys all the time. Just a really unfair double standard that is going to screw up the whole situation for both of you, since your resentment will likely only build if things don't change, and then you'll end up doing something harsh, like telling her that if she won't let you keep your gfs, she has to leave her bf.

I would set some expectations and timelines with her. Like, she has a month during which she needs to do some reading, actively work on her issues, and come up with a contract of standards that you both agree are fair, like no interrupting dates unless there's an actual emergency. If she won't do any of that... maybe couples therapy. Or hell, maybe you really will need to make an ultimatum that she has to stop seeing her bf and work on her relationship with you if she can't get this under control... go back to being closed again, basically. I really really hope it doesn't come to that though, as that would be so sad for her bf if they really are emotionally engaged with each other.
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Old 07-19-2011, 12:46 AM
confusedme confusedme is offline
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thank you annabel. I would like to avoid the ultimatum because I know she is emotionally engaged with him. I don't want him hurt because she can't control her jealousy, he did nothing wrong. I will Look into the reading. Do you have any other resources that might pertain to my situation?
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Old 07-19-2011, 12:54 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There is this thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1877

And this is a list of popular topics:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

and here is a link to a tag search for "jealousy"

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php?tag=jealousy

just a quick question: do your wife and gf WANT to change vis a vis this jealousy problem?
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Old 07-19-2011, 01:33 AM
confusedme confusedme is offline
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thank you for the reading material neon. I'm not sure I understand your question, what is vis a vis? I am currently without a gf so I'm not sure how the next one will react.
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Old 07-19-2011, 01:43 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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vis a vis means "face to face" but the way I used it means "in regard to".
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:13 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedme View Post
thank you annabel. I would like to avoid the ultimatum because I know she is emotionally engaged with him. I don't want him hurt because she can't control her jealousy, he did nothing wrong. I will Look into the reading. Do you have any other resources that might pertain to my situation?
This PDF has been EXTREMELY helpful in working through my GF's jealousy. It offer a really simple step-by-step process of working through these issues. The my two partners read this together, and go through the steps with her. It spurs discussion, it's an easy read, and the steps are invaluable tools to dealing with the emotions.

http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:46 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I am poly and have had a boyfriend for 10 months, but my husband was mono. I encouraged him to explore and to be open to something with another woman. Well, now he has. I did not anticipate being "jealous," and I'm not sure that's what I am. I am scared. I am surprised -- I didn't know if this was really going to happen! And I know where MY heart is, and my husband's, and my bf's (and my two men have known each other for a long time, and are friends).... but I do not know how this new girl feels about everything. Sundance has told her he loves me and will never divorce me. But.... he has led her to believe that I spend a lot more time with my bf than I actually do, and has maybe played on her sympathies just a little. She isn't the type to move in on a happily married man! I think she sees him as a neglected husband who deserves to be treated better, he just hasn't realized it yet. She can't understand why I would want anyone else but him (she just couldn't imagine, as he is so wonderful in every way). I'm afraid she is hoping to wrangle him away from me.

That could be what your wife is afraid of. In poly I've heard them called "cowgirls." I don't want a competition! I want us to be on the same team. Did your wife meet the girls you were seeing? That can help. I'm hoping to meet his new girl soon, just so we will have a clear understanding.

Sundance had a rough time looking for a secondary. I kept saying just be open, she will come to you. She did. He already knew her, but had never responded to her interests. Once he did, it took off from there. Before that he was looking online -- that pretty much sucked. He felt he needed to say he was separated -- there are so many nice girls online who absolutely rule out a married man. It's more acceptable to be separated/going thru a divorce than staying committed to your family but wanting more love in your life. Sad. We are closeted, so he couldn't put a picture up, and no one responds to a profile without a pic.

I did hear of a site called seekingarrangement.com that looked interesting -- but it is geared for rich men and beautiful younger women. Nonetheless, it seemed a lot more honest and straightforward, anyway.
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