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Old 07-17-2011, 08:28 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
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Default Does this bug you?

*Bear with me please, I am SUPER new to the board and poly (in fact I still feel weird calling myself that) and so if I use the wrong terms or seem off base that is why*

I have a boyfriend, he is married. His wife and my hubby ARE NOT in a relationship (although they have had sex a few times). My hubby and his wife DO not have a bf or gf. Our marriages are both open. This is all fairly new and it's been ROCKY. Started out as a swinging relationship and from the get go was very intense between bf and I.

On to my question.

He gets ONE evening a week to come over and spend time with me. This was agreed on by all parties. He waits until my kids and his are in bed before he comes over. So this way we have four or five hours of one on one times and lots of sex. This is THE ONLY time we are allowed to have sex (once a week.)

That is not the part that bugs me.

His wife INCESSANTLY texts him while he is here. She KNOWS we only get one night, she knows he and I could possibly be having sex and she texts him anyway. I DO NOT initiate texts with him, this is to avoid my possibly interputing their time or something they may be doing. When he and I text it's almost ALWAYS because he initiates the text.

I finally broke down and got mad about it. Why? He and I were arguing about something and SHE knew he was coming over to resolve said issue. He and I are in a heated discussion, she texts, he stops talking to me reads the texts and then I say what was that all about?

His answer?

"oh she was telling me about this deal she found on sheets."



I lost my mind. I told him that while I REALIZE 100% that she is his wife and COMES FIRST...that it's incredibly hurtful to me when we are fighting that he will STOP talking to me to discuss sheets. She knew we were fighting and felt the need to text him about sheets. I get it if it were something important like something with the kids, or whatever but sheets? REALLY?

The texting thing has always annoyed me. But to text with her while we are having a heated discussion about sheets to me is just disrespectful on both parts.

Is it just me? Is this normal for poly relationships? Am I just being jealous?
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:39 PM
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just3 just3 is offline
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It would irritate the crap out of me. My last bf actually looked and answered a text DURING sex. I almost killed him. bf wasnt in a relationship outside of ours but still felt the need to talk to a friend of his DURING! I was so pissed. It ruined the mood lol. IF there is a emergency with a kid etc that warrants a phone call not a text.
It is a respect issue. During your time he shouldnt be talking with his wife about sheets for sure lol. I would be having a discussion with your bf about it. Just because a text comes through doesnt mean it has to be read right then. Thats just my opinion anyway.
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Along with your rules about only seeing each other once a week, establish that he will not answer texts until he's heading home, or that she will not send any unless it is an emergency. There has to be some respect for your relationship with him. And that respect must come from both her and him. If they won't accept that, I would find that rather sad and wonder what place I had in his life if I was accorded so little consideration.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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Old 07-17-2011, 08:51 PM
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River River is offline
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You can play at the rule thing which nycindie recommended, and that's fine, or you can all decide to grow up and be adults about this thing, in which case you will have need of only one rule: Love one another. I mean, 'cmon!, texting about sheets while with your other, and him texting back about it...?! That's unloving behavior on both sides. So, in my mind, is the rule about seeing each other once a week during certain prescribed hours. But that's none of my business. You do it however you want, but I'll say that if you're all loving one another you'll find that there will be less and less need for setting up rules for one another.

And get some polyamory books and read and discuss them. I'd not try auto mechanics without a manual or some training, and you don't seem to me to be a born natural at groking poly. So I'll keep my hands out from under the hood, and you do some reading up. And all shall be fine in the world.


It just occurred to me that my relationships don't involve rules like, "Don't bust the windows out in my house" and "don't deliberately scratch my favorite CDs with a fork" and "Don't throw cold water on me when I'm sleeping".... All of this stuff is implicit in loving relationships, and so is "Don't text me, or answer text messages, when I'm sharing precious intimate time with my partner." And I would say setting a rule like "don't see your other love but once a week for x number of hours" breaks the implicit premise of loving. A rule having to do with trusting your loved one to make sound decisions about spending time with their other partner. Yes, it is loving to ask for more time if such time is desired and the other partner is taking up a lot of one's time. That, too, is implicit in loving.
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Last edited by River; 07-17-2011 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:23 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
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It's so nice to have a place to come and ask questions. AHHHHHHHHH so nice.

The once a week thing is only for sex. I see him nearly every day. We can only have sex once a week per his wife.

Yes we have more rules than I like. This is why.

This started out as a strictly swinging relationship. His wife had issues from the start though.

Each time she would exhibit behavior that made me think she was uncomfortable with he and I (i.e. texting the whole time he is there, asking when are you coming home, changing social media statuses to things like "home all by my lonesome") first he would talk to her about it and she would claim to not have an issue and would blame it on something unrelated.

I finally decided to have a sit down talk with her about a month into this (things were NOT serious with he and I at that point) and I explained why I thought she was uncomfortable and told her I would end things immediately if she was not comfy with me for whatever reason. I did not want to cause an uproar. She even said to me she really was fine and blamed it on everything under the sun except being uncomfortable.

Fast forward three months later, a huge blowup ensued between the two of them and she told him she wanted him to end it. This did NOT go over well because for the three to four months during this NO MATTER WHAT we did she continued to say she was fine with everything....then it turned into a relationship.....that at that point she wanted to end. After a huge long discussion she agreed that she would TRY to accept the relationship that had grown but that she was not sure she could and that we had to STOP having sex.

We stopped.

We were allowed to talk and still see each other but NO sex. This was hard. This went on for six weeks. I was angry that I opened myself up to this relationship with him for her to back track and say "well I was never okay....even though I said I was."

I nearly walked away during that time. It was very difficult but the relationship he and I had was important and he and my hubby had become pretty good friends.

She eventually said we could start having sex again but only once a week. We have stuck to that....and I don't like it but my feelings for him and our relationship was more important so I just deal with it.

We all hang out in a group setting and this works well. She and I get along fairly well considering.

I told him that the texting thing had to stop and the last time he came over she didn't text him while he was here.

We have had many bumps in this road and I am sure we will have more. The BF really does mean well but I think he is just as confused as I am. She says she's okay with he and I but I just don't know.
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:36 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I'd be pretty pissed. I try to not call Karma at all when he is with someone else. Occasionaly I will, if it can't wait. But for the most part, that's their time. We actualy got in the habit of Karma calling when he was heading home to see if I needed him to pick anything up.

I'm sorry but texting over sheets, regardless of who you are with is kind of a sad waste of time.

I'd talk to your b/f or his wife if you guys are able to, and ask her to pull back a little. If this is new for all of you, she may not have realised that it is infringing on the small amount of time you have together.

As for the one night a week thing, I get it if this is all new. She is probably easing into it to try and make the transition easier. I've eased up quite a bit now that the newness has worn off and I have adapted to things. I'm not against schedules, they keep things from getting crazy. But the rigidity of her schedule seems to be a bit much.

Maybe its time the two of you have a chat?
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:42 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Sorry just read your last post. It defintaly sounds like she is adjusting. Especialy if she didn't text after he talked to her. Sounds like she wasn't aware it was an issue. Some people can't put themselves in that spot and realise it. That's where the communication comes in. Im sure it's hard to be so restricted, but your patience will pay off if she really is trying.
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Old 07-18-2011, 05:33 AM
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ZeroDrakken ZeroDrakken is offline
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The only thing I'm curious is if she does this textbombing thing when you AREN'T alone too. It may be that she's just a constant mindless communicator and can't stand not to share her thoughts and feelings - interrupting your special time is not cool, but if she's also doing it when he's at work, out with his non-sexy friends, in the car, at the store... etc... than I'd suspect it's less malicious intent and more that she just doesn't know when to shut up. If that's the case, while it'd bother me and I might be inclined to ask him to power down the phone (or at least go on mute), I think I could forgive it. If, however, her behavior is isolated to (or at least greatly explodes in frequency during) the special time you guys have set aside, that'd bug me too.
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:13 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I dunno... but hubs' GF is like this. She texts nonstop all day long every day. I went to visit him and I was all good with her texting because I didnt' want to be "no, you cannot speak to him while I'm here". And yet she texted ALL THE FREAKING DAMN TIME I was there. Literally... every hour or two , pictures, texts.... the girl can't be alone.

That freaking bugged me eventually. They just spent a weekend alone, and I didn't text ONCE in three days.

Why do I have to be the one to be respectful????
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Old 07-18-2011, 07:11 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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In my experience, it seems the younger people are, the more likely they are to text constantly instead of normal, human conversation.

It seems to me that hubby is part of the issue in that he hasn't set a boundary with wife. If she texts, fine, but his replies just reinforce the behavior. If it's important, call. If not, don't expect a reply until later.

On some level, this overall story concerns me. I just get a vibe that wife is not ok but playing along because she feels like she has to. Constant texting could be a way in her view that's an acceptable lash out without admitting that she's bugged. Simply put, I think everyone needs to be more direct and make sure all are on the same page and that they have boundaries and stick to them.

As is, it sounds like you're getting only the inches of ground she begrudgingly concedes, and that's not a long-term plan.

Last edited by sagency; 07-18-2011 at 07:20 AM. Reason: typo
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boundaries, rules, texting

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