Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-15-2011, 12:27 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default Will you be my husband's girlfriend??

Okay, so how on earth do you even approach someone about being your husband's girlfriend? The person we want has been a friend for two years now. She and my husband did have an affair last year. They really do love each other. But, I ruined it for all of us at the time. I didn't even know that poly was an option. Some of that brainwashing I've had to work through. We are all three still friends. I love this person like a sister, even after everything we went through last year.

Hubby and I have decided to go poly and his love for her is still strong, so he has asked if she could his significant other, I have agreed and was actually going to suggest it myself. We love her kids, she loves our kids, our kids all love each other, etc. Hubby has asked that I be the one to talk to her because of everything last year, so that way she's more comfortable for her, knowing that I'm in agreement, and it's not just him trying to have another affair. Even during their affair, she would tell him, "This can't destroy your marriage. You love your wife too much and she loves you too much. You can just consider me a friends with benefits relationship."

Now, I do believe that hubby and I are ready to move forward with her. This would be a V with him as the hinge, A and I as best friends (like we are now). I'm just not sure how to break the ice with her and get things moving in that direction. We are looking at this as long term, possibly forever. We really can see us with her like this for that long.

Tips? Ice breakers? Conversation starters? I really need help here.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-15-2011, 12:35 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default

I should also add....

Hubby just got a couple of job offers. Both will move us. Either within our current state (OK) or to NM. She lives in TX (we moved from there a year ago, the affair started over the phone as expression of loss over us losing our closeness in proximity and constant contact). "A" expressed to me the other day that jobs aren't working out for her where she's at, so she is considering moving to her mom's until she gets on her feet. We would of course want her in the same town as us so that they can see each other more and she and I can spend time together as well (friends) and we can let the kids play together. Our initial idea, if she is open to being his significant other, is to move her with us, until she finds a job and a place of her own to settle into. That's how serious we are about this commitment. This was my idea, so yes, I'm perfectly fine with it. Hubby's new job would be able to provide for all of us until she gets on her feet, so no worries there.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-15-2011, 12:44 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,129
Default

How about something like:
"[her name], I hope you know I love you like a sister. And [your hubby's name] has never stopped loving you. We want you to know that, after much discussion and consideration, we've decided to open up our marriage. In other words, we are now non-monogamous.

I'm telling you this because, if you still feel the same way you did for [hubby], you both have my blessing to resume your relationship. I know he would want that very much, and you should know that I have worked on and gotten past all the issues that made it difficult for me when it was an affair between you two. What we both want now is for it all to be out in the open and honest. In fact, we've even discussed the possibility of asking you to relocate to be nearer to us. That's how serious we are about this.

I know this must come as a shock, but it is real, and [hubby] and I both want you to seriously consider this, and to come to us with any questions you might have."
You could write it too, if you think you would have a hard time speaking to her.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-15-2011, 01:01 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How about something like:
"[her name], I hope you know I love you like a sister. And [your hubby's name] has never stopped loving you. We want you to know that, after much discussion and consideration, we've decided to open up our marriage. In other words, we are now non-monogamous.

I'm telling you this because, if you still feel the same way you did for [hubby], you both have my blessing to resume your relationship. I know he would want that very much, and you should know that I have worked on and gotten past all the issues that made it difficult for me when it was an affair between you two. What we both want now is for it all to be out in the open and honest. In fact, we've even discussed the possibility of asking you to relocate to be nearer to us. That's how serious we are about this.

I know this must come as a shock, but it is real, and [hubby] and I both want you to seriously consider this, and to come to us with any questions you might have."
You could write it too, if you think you would have a hard time speaking to her.
Hubby and I LOVE this!! He was very impressed, as was I.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-15-2011, 01:17 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default

Hubby works 10pm-7am, so I'm left at home alone with the kids sleeping. A usually gets off work around 10pm and is then home alone with her kids sleeping. So we chat on FB nearly every night. Hubby broke the ice a little bit this afternoon with a text he sent her that basically said, he values their friendship, has always enjoyed talking with her and hanging out with her, that he's sorry for how things went down and that he regrets that they haven't talked more since (they've talked, but it's all been kept really shallow and basic to "protect" themselves and me). We have both decided that if during A and I's chatting tonight, the conversation starts heading in this direction, I will talk to her. I've already told her that hubby read the text to me when I got home from work this afternoon, and that I'm not upset, hurt, or anything of the sort by it. That all is well and she is free to talk to him. So, hopefully this will help get love in the air. I just really hope that I didn't hurt her to the point that she's not interested anymore.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-15-2011, 01:39 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

Best of luck!

I'd suggest that part of the strength of nycindie's suggestion is that the whole thing is spelled out in one piece. Text might disperse that some. You may consider sending the nycindie's formal invite as an email and use texting for discussion of the email.

*fingers crossed and big hugs*
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:02 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,129
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by openbj View Post
Hubby and I LOVE this!! He was very impressed, as was I.
I just took what you wrote and turned it back. It was all there in your first post!

I hope the conversation goes really well, and can't wait for your update.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:16 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default

Eeeeek!! I'm a nervous wreck. We just started chatting. Guess the angels gave her a hard time going to bed lol.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:25 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi BJ,

\ Although I also like what NYC laid out, from experience I might approach it in a less formal manner. Because 'poly' is so little understood it can actually become a block at first. I've found it's better to let people come to such 'labels' on their own.

I (we) have been in this exact position - and seen it a number of times in others.

What we found worked for us was to simply acknowledge the previous relationship, express the lack of understanding and how to cope/deal, and to explain that it's finally 'clear'. Nothing more.
Your explanation of now understanding how everyone's happiness is increased by it and that no 'harm' is coming from it is enough. You give your blessing and look forward to sharing in that happiness with both of them yourself.

It's simple enough..........

"I love you both - I'm happy if I can help make you both happy too !"

GS
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:35 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,129
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi BJ,

\ Although I also like what NYC laid out, from experience I might approach it in a less formal manner.
We don't know if she used my words, which were just a loose suggestion based on what she wrote here.

I think getting into taking about the Bible may have complicated the discussion.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
girlfriend, open marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:55 AM.