Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-13-2011, 06:08 AM
dani11 dani11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Question How to ask his wife?

It has been several years since I have visited these forums, I always lurked, never joined. I read some good things, and have once again! Now I need some advice, and I hope the good people here can help.

Hubby and I have an open marriage, and have for some time (it is easier than explaining poly which we actually are) We have been married for 11 years together for 12. Opened the marriage 8-9 years ago. We have guidelines and all of that. His friends have known for the same amount of time. Though he has had a couple of short term girl-friends (it did not work out when they met me?) I have never had any sexual or emotional relationships.

Recently I found out his best friend wants to have a sexual relationship with me. This threw me for a loop because I have known hubby's friend for the same amount of time as hubby, we have always flirted and joked around with each other, but silly me I did not know he was serious! A couple of months ago he said he and his wife had decided to have an open marriage. Then he started hitting on me hot and heavy, that was when hubby informed me that his best friend was serious and had been attracted to me for almost as long as he had known me!

I am not totally against the idea, but some things worry me. This is his 3rd marriage, he has never cheated on any of them, and the other 2 did not go for his open marriage idea. He has only been married to this last one for about 2 years. I do not know her very well. I have only actually met her a hand full of times (the last 1 1/2 years have mostly kept in touch through facebook) The last 2 times I have met her, (once before I found out he wanted to have sex with me-and once after) she has said very little to me, picked a fight with best friend (her hubby) and took off to her room. (That is problem #1, I don't think she is totally on board with his idea, or maybe just for her as he keeps mentioning the guy she wants to see)

#2 He uses several words interchangeably-open marriage, swinging, swapping partners, girl friends, boy friends, dating. I am not totally sure how they want to go? Or what they have in mind?

#3 I don't want this to in anyway cause problems between hubby and best friend, or me and best friend. I don't really know his wife that well, so I cant say it would destroy our friendship, I don't want it to cause problems between best friend and his wife. (hubby is all for the idea, said he had been hinting around about it for years too-so it would not really cause problems with them unless things went horribly wrong!)

#4 Hubby says the best course of action is to get the wife alone and talk to her. I tend to agree with this, but am really not sure how to go about bringing it up? I also tend to believe what people tell me, so if she says 'fine' and I take it as 'fine'-then she really might not mean that! I would not know where to start or how much I could take at face value?

#5 Hubby and I have ground rules. I think it works better if you tend to have some. (Open, honest communication. Both having to agree. Etc) Could I ask about their rules? What if they don't have any?

Sorry this is so long, but I have been thinking about this for weeks now, and have no idea how to proceed. Any advice will be welcome!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-13-2011, 06:31 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

I can see why you'd wonder if your understanding of things matches hers. Have you had any indication from her that she's ok with you and best friend being together?

One person you might talk to about who to approach best friend's wife would be best friend. I didn't see any part of your story that mentioned talking to him. Whether you talk to him with or without hubby is up to you, but you may get a better read one way or the other.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-13-2011, 06:18 PM
dani11 dani11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default Asking the best friend

The reason not to ask the best friend would be, I know how he feels about it. If she says she is fine with it, he would take it at face value, just because it is what he wants. He has always been a pretty impulsive person, and somewhat self-destructive in the relationship department.

My Hubby said to wait a couple of days until he is off-then hubby will go and talk to her alone. He is fairly good at reading people (for the most part) He also does not settle for 'Fine'.

Last edited by dani11; 07-13-2011 at 06:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-13-2011, 08:39 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dani11 View Post
The reason not to ask the best friend would be, I know how he feels about it. If she says she is fine with it, he would take it at face value, just because it is what he wants. He has always been a pretty impulsive person, and somewhat self-destructive in the relationship department.

My Hubby said to wait a couple of days until he is off-then hubby will go and talk to her alone. He is fairly good at reading people (for the most part) He also does not settle for 'Fine'.
These things will go much smoother if you can also learn to communicate directly with the person you need to talk to. Think about it right now ... your husband is going to talk to his best friend's wife about you getting involved with her husband ... That's getting to be a messy game of telephone!

I know that if someone who wanted to be with one of my partners sent their partner over to talk to me, I'd wonder why they weren't doing their own dirty work, as it were. I would certainly feel less inclined to trust them, because they have now shown an unwillingness or inability to communicate directly with me. (Remember, she doesn't know your motivations for having hubby talk to her.)

Half of poly is multiple ethical romantic relationships. The other half is really awkward conversations.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-14-2011, 12:04 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

Dani11's idea might be a reasonable start. If the best friend's wife is unsure, hearing from the husband that it's okay with him might help her see that they're being open, and it might reassure her that spouses can accept such things.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-14-2011, 12:10 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
Dani11's idea might be a reasonable start. If the best friend's wife is unsure, hearing from the husband that it's okay with him might help her see that they're being open, and it might reassure her that spouses can accept such things.
True, if it's to get the ball rolling or talk about things from his perspective, but I had the impression from her post where she said that he wouldn't settle for 'fine' (sorry, multiquote is a pain in the ass on my phone) that he was actually ferreting out the wife's feelings for her.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:37 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Half of poly is multiple ethical romantic relationships. The other half is really awkward conversations.
That is priceless.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hey Dani,

Well, one thing's for certain, the old philosophy hasn't changed here by using new labels (poly etc). The risk is STILL there to affect the friendships just because if things turn ugly your hubbys friend may be forced into a position that he has to 'choose' - wife or best friend. So it's good to keep that on the horizon and decide if the risk is worth the potential gain (possible relationship).

Now.........if it were me, I'd also want to get more info direct from the horse's mouth (her). You might arrange a meeting with her on any acceptable need (shopping, lunch etc) and just open with........

"Oh - hubby tells me you guys decided to open your marriage too !. We've been open for years and find it helps our own relationship a lot ! "

From there you could ask about what THEIR guidelines are (so far) such as are existing friends excluded because of possible complications. If she's not sure (haven't come to that topic yet) you can use yourself as an 'example' - i.e. "what if your hubby wanted to hook up with me ???"

You should be able to get a lot of feedback from such a conversation. Things can proceed (or not) accordingly.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-14-2011, 11:29 PM
dani11 dani11 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default My first instinct

My first instinct is to talk to her directly. I am a fairly honest-open person. I like hearing from someone directly.

Hubby and I had thought about several ways to go about it. Me take her out and talk to her. Me and Hubby talk to her. Hubby talk to her. We all 4 talk together.

Me and hubby talking to her feels like us ganging up on her-

Me talking to her or hubby talking to her- I think she would be more comfortable talking with hubby. She knows him better than me. Hubby has had to go over to their house after work and help fix the computer-and hang out. I have been at home with the kiddos. They used to live further away and have moved closer. I have only met her about 5 times. We had talked and got along OK the first couple of times. The last time we went over there was after they had decided to have an open marriage. She did not talk to me at all! She was too busy fighting with best friend-and went to her room.

I am for the most part a total stranger to her-My Hubby is not. I just felt she would be more comfortable talking to him than me. I still want to talk to her though-so if hubby were to talk to her and say 'OK-green light' I would still talk to her.

Part of the problem could be they are living with another older couple who are not ok with non-monogamy of any sort. She could just be uncomfortable around them. I have told best-friend that they should both come over sometime. I figured we could all talk then. In fact thinking it over I think that would be best. My hubby could still be there as a lie-detector type, and he would also not let best friend influence her if it was feeling like she was not on board. It might even be good for both best friend and his wife-I don't think even they have talked about it much.

I don't know how long it will be until they can come over though. He just started a new job, they have just moved (most of the stuff is still in boxes), 2 kids, and a car that is broke down at the moment.

This is just a crazy situation, maybe I should start a blog for all of the background!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-14-2011, 10:58 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,096
Default

Hi there. Thought I'd point out that nowhere in your post do you say that getting together with this guy is something you're really excited about. So, my question is: do you want to? Like really want to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dani11 View Post
Recently I found out his best friend wants to have a sexual relationship with me . . .

I am not totally against the idea . . .
See, being "not totally against" it and then listing all the reasons why you are hesitant, just doesn't seem like a whole lot of enthusiasm to me.

Furthermore, you also state that since you opened your marriage quite a number of years ago, you "never had any sexual or emotional relationships," so I wonder if your first should be with someone you're not all that thrilled about hooking up with. Sure, he might be a good, close friend, and hubby likes the idea probably for voyeuristic reasons, but do you really think it would be worth it for someone with whom having sex is something you're "not totally against?" Even if it would simply be recreational sex and okay with you, why not wait until there's an opportunity to be with someone with whom the prospect of such a liaison really knocks your socks off? Why settle for lukewarm when you can have hot?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 07-14-2011 at 11:34 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
approaching someone, open marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:18 AM.