Primary, secondary...CONFUSED!

[nouryia]

Hi

Any feedback would be appreciated as I'm new to polyamory...

Here is some background first. I'm a female, mid-thirties and have been pretty much monogamous until spring of last year. Hubby, who is bisexual started a friend w/benefit with another bi male who is in a happy, stable triad with another male and female partner. We opened up our marriage after much thought, because I didn't want to deny my husband half of his sexuality.

Fast forward a bit to the fall of 2010: I also became involved with the new friend. We started out with occasional 3somes with my husband and it progressed to him and I also spending time alone. And somehow, we fell in love. Hubby took in a little hard at first but we've talked a lot and he is much more secure now. The friend's wife and I also play on occasion and we all get along really well, we've met each other's kids...the whole thing feels like a great extended family affair.

Now the CONFUSION. Technically speaking, hubby is my primary partner and fwb is secondary. At least in terms of time spent together and life commitment. However, as things progress, I find myself having VERY strong feelings of attachment to our friend and I see those feelings being reciprocated. He's told me that he doesn't consider me a secondary partner in terms of emotional involvement at all. I worry that the strength of our feelings might be somewhat detrimental to our primary relationships and that I'm (we are) becoming too attached. How do I keep it all together? I'm scared of messing up!

Confused in Canada.

[redpepper]

Try doing a search in the tags for "secondaries" or "primary" or the like here and many conversations will come up.

Generally speaking, primary/secondary for most established poly tribes is more about financial commitments, children, shared assets and time. Partners quite often become equally loved for different reasons. You are in good company with that. Sex partners for casual sex are quite often secondary or just seen as good times and the sex being about sport. Love to me and it seems most poly people, is always primary.

For me? I try and keep myself primary and put my self first. I think self love is the most important, everyone and everything is secondary. That doesn't mean I'm egotistical, just aware of my self and my needs as being priority. I keep in mind that my needs also require that I have to be considerate/compassionate/empathetic and be a good team member or no one will want to be around me.

[nouryia]

Thank-you, I will search the forum as suggested. Since I kind of fell into polyamory by accident (me finding love was never the intent), I truly do not know where it's all headed, hence the confusion. Glad to hear that a secondary partner can be loved equally, I felt kind of guilty about loving this new person so much, like I somehow owed more love to my husband or something.

[nycindie]

You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.

This.

Hierarchical language doesn't work for me at all (primary/secondary), I don't want to rank things, even if they are distinct. I do end up using different words for people -- my long-term partner is my partner, then any combination of boyfriend/girlfriend or most often "sweetie."

[River]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.

I'll echo that!

And I do think self-love is essential to loving others well, crucial.

Still, I'm no longer comfortable even calling my relationship with myself "primary" and my relationship with others ... somehow less so.

Rather, I simply realize that I can only love others well if I am loving myself well. If I fail to love myself well, things get pretty f-d up pretty fast.

I love my Sweeties as much as I love myself -- which is plenty, and getting better every day. As love should!

[redpepper]

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can have that effect of seemingly loving someone more... really its like having a new toy... that old teddy bear is still lovable, just the new one is kinda new and exciting to cuddle. Different, but both as valid.

[Imapolygirlmaybe]

Originally Posted by nycindie

you can throw away all the labels and just... Simply... Love.

i love that!

[redpepper]

My NRE comes and goes with all my partners. ERE really. NRE lasted with Mono for over a year. I sometimes wonder if it ever went away entirely.