Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-11-2011, 07:30 PM
nouryia's Avatar
nouryia nouryia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 206
Question Primary, secondary...CONFUSED!

Hi

Any feedback would be appreciated as I'm new to polyamory...

Here is some background first. I'm a female, mid-thirties and have been pretty much monogamous until spring of last year. Hubby, who is bisexual started a friend w/benefit with another bi male who is in a happy, stable triad with another male and female partner. We opened up our marriage after much thought, because I didn't want to deny my husband half of his sexuality.

Fast forward a bit to the fall of 2010: I also became involved with the new friend. We started out with occasional 3somes with my husband and it progressed to him and I also spending time alone. And somehow, we fell in love. Hubby took in a little hard at first but we've talked a lot and he is much more secure now. The friend's wife and I also play on occasion and we all get along really well, we've met each other's kids...the whole thing feels like a great extended family affair.

Now the CONFUSION. Technically speaking, hubby is my primary partner and fwb is secondary. At least in terms of time spent together and life commitment. However, as things progress, I find myself having VERY strong feelings of attachment to our friend and I see those feelings being reciprocated. He's told me that he doesn't consider me a secondary partner in terms of emotional involvement at all. I worry that the strength of our feelings might be somewhat detrimental to our primary relationships and that I'm (we are) becoming too attached. How do I keep it all together? I'm scared of messing up!

Confused in Canada.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-11-2011, 08:17 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Try doing a search in the tags for "secondaries" or "primary" or the like here and many conversations will come up.

Generally speaking, primary/secondary for most established poly tribes is more about financial commitments, children, shared assets and time. Partners quite often become equally loved for different reasons. You are in good company with that. Sex partners for casual sex are quite often secondary or just seen as good times and the sex being about sport. Love to me and it seems most poly people, is always primary.

For me? I try and keep myself primary and put my self first. I think self love is the most important, everyone and everything is secondary. That doesn't mean I'm egotistical, just aware of my self and my needs as being priority. I keep in mind that my needs also require that I have to be considerate/compassionate/empathetic and be a good team member or no one will want to be around me.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-11-2011, 08:27 PM
nouryia's Avatar
nouryia nouryia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 206
Default

Thank-you, I will search the forum as suggested. Since I kind of fell into polyamory by accident (me finding love was never the intent), I truly do not know where it's all headed, hence the confusion. Glad to hear that a secondary partner can be loved equally, I felt kind of guilty about loving this new person so much, like I somehow owed more love to my husband or something.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-11-2011, 09:44 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,209
Default

You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-11-2011, 09:49 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.
This.

Hierarchical language doesn't work for me at all (primary/secondary), I don't want to rank things, even if they are distinct. I do end up using different words for people -- my long-term partner is my partner, then any combination of boyfriend/girlfriend or most often "sweetie."
__________________
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."James Baldwin
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:18 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can throw away all the labels and just... simply... love.
I'll echo that!

And I do think self-love is essential to loving others well, crucial.

Still, I'm no longer comfortable even calling my relationship with myself "primary" and my relationship with others ... somehow less so.

Rather, I simply realize that I can only love others well if I am loving myself well. If I fail to love myself well, things get pretty f-d up pretty fast.

I love my Sweeties as much as I love myself -- which is plenty, and getting better every day. As love should!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-11-2011, 10:39 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can have that effect of seemingly loving someone more... really its like having a new toy... that old teddy bear is still lovable, just the new one is kinda new and exciting to cuddle. Different, but both as valid.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-13-2011, 05:15 PM
Imapolygirlmaybe Imapolygirlmaybe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
you can throw away all the labels and just... Simply... Love.
i love that!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-13-2011, 08:54 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

My NRE comes and goes with all my partners. ERE really. NRE lasted with Mono for over a year. I sometimes wonder if it ever went away entirely.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, confused, dilemma, primary/secondary, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:31 PM.