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Old 11-19-2009, 07:27 AM
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Default Poly Union/marriage Ceremonies

I'm interested to hear what people have done or would consider doing if they choose to declare their poly relationship.

Redpepper and I were talking about this a little because the polygamy laws in Canada seem to be a hot topic.

Although raised catholic and engaging in a traditional relationship, I eloped which needless to say pissed a lot of people off. The ceremony didn't seem important to us, the commitment and vows did. I don't even know what the drive to get married was seeing how we weren't really inviting anyone to watch and you don't get gifts for eloping! It simply felt right.

So now I'd like to ask for experiences or expectations if any. What type of ceremony, public or private? What would your vows sound like? Although I am wired monogamous and despite eloping, my traditional conditioning is very ingrained when it comes to marriage/union vows. Iím having a hard time wrapping my head around this aspect of poly commitment. I'm seriously lost in this and look forward to the opinions of all. This topic fascinates and yet worries me a little.
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Old 11-19-2009, 08:26 AM
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what is it that worries you?
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Old 11-19-2009, 03:34 PM
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You need to get your men to work....up and at em Gorgeous
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Old 11-19-2009, 04:07 PM
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Default Commitment Ceremony

We actually just celebrated a year of togetherness as a family of four adults. THe relationship has been building for the last 5 years. Seems everytime we have a commitment moment we add jewelry to the mix that is typically custom made and has specific meaning. We say sweet stuff and just have fun with it.

Obviously we can not have an offical bonding but we do take these celebrations as serious forward movement for our family and for the most part it's a fly by the moment thing but really does hit home in a heartfelt and sincere commitment/vow/oath.

If anyone is interested - I can share more of the details of the most recent celebration.
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Old 11-19-2009, 04:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosevett View Post

If anyone is interested - I can share more of the details of the most recent celebration.
Of course I'm interested That's why I started this thread...thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
what is it that worries you?
I'm worried about disapointing and hurting you through my inability to understand things.

This came up last night after discussing my inability to understand that not obtaining an official divorce from my ex after two years was holding me back from committing to Redpepper.

Ultimately I continue to have a hard time comprehending a ceremony recognizing an intimately open relationship. Traditional monogamous marriages are simple in the core of the vows. I am giving myself to you; you are giving yourself to me. It's not about possession, but about willingly offering yourself to someone with intimate physical exclusivity as one of the critically understood and accepted gifts to exchange.

So when I see people having hand fasting ceremonies or marriages with the idea of being open to more partners I can't understand the true nature of the message they are sending to those in attendance or the weight of the words they speak. I essentially see the ceremony as non binding and can't seam to get over my sense that there is no great proclamation being said that adds to the simple fact that I am already committed and to her and her family regardless of our dynamic.
It actually makes more sense to me to have a ceremony recognizing our commitment as a family as opposed to a commitment as couple.

We have friends who are renewing their vows and have invited us to the ceremony this summer. I'm even having problems with that because their relationship is open and again I don't grasp what they are saying to each other and us. I already know they love each other.

Obviously a lot of this struggle is due to traditional conditioning and less related to the fact that I am monogamously wired. I see partner unions as very sacred but I also see them as very traditional which undoubtedly is confusing my view of alternate arrangements.

I'm not looking for another traditional marriage but I am a natural coupler in that, if I fall in love, I give myself to that person. I feel as though I have already given myself to Redpepper..mind, body and soul. If we were both single and mono, I have no doubt that I would have proposed to Redpepper months ago.

I also feel that as far as monogamous marriage partners go, my ex wife was the one I was supposed to share that with. That belongs to her. That does not make my commitment to Redpepper less, it makes it completely unique and separate from that other world.

Because I felt I had disappointed Redpepper during our conversation last night, this affected my sense of being worthy of her affection. I actually felt undeserving to see her naked this morning before we left my place...let's hope I never really screw up bad.

I just want her to be happy and know that I am committed to her.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:37 PM
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Oh Dear.

FIRST of all Mon-

If you weren't worthy-you wouldn't be together. You are well aware that this thought process is a self-inflicted lie. It's not easy to fight them, but you are a strong man, you can-so please do!

SECOND- while I am sure there are times that you do disappoint RP (I know that the guys disappoint me at times) the truth is that we ALL do that at times, we simply aren't able to avoid it completely. That's part of learning, growing, bettering ourselves and our relationships.

Now to your topic-

We've talked on this before. I THINK I do get what you are saying (God knows I've been wrong so no guarantees). Mostly what I hear is that you simply don't understand what it means to do the step.

I read your post here today-and my heart did a little flip and I felt like I HAD to write. Please bare with me;

17 years ago GG fell in love with me.
15 years ago I took his virginity.

I knew I loved him too.

At first-he was too young, immature and inexperienced in adult responsibilities for me to consider dating. But that changed. What didn't change was his willingness to do the following:

1.ASK me to be his g/f or wife or whatever.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE our relationship and love for one another.

I don't think we're (as a family) anywhere ready for a commitment ceremony-but someday that would mean a lot to me.

Why isn't that I doubt either men's love for me or commitment to me, not at all.

It's more of a special memory to associate with that commitment.

Like the collaring ceremony Mon-it's certainly not "traditional" like a wedding. You keep comparing the commitment ceremony to a wedding.
But really I think it would make more sense to compare it to a collaring ceremony.
There are similarities between all 3, but two are NOT traditional in nature-and one very much is.
Do you know what I mean?

Anyway-the collaring ceremony for Maca and I, it's not about MAKING our commitment. We've already done that. It's not really about ACKNOWLEDGING our commitment-obviously if you, RP, Midnightsun, GG etc know about it, then it's been acknowledged.
It's more about taking action to show each other in a physical way the significance of our commitment.

Especially in a world that takes marriage for granted, which seems one of the most "ultimate" commitments available, we don't want each other to feel as though this commitment is in ANY WAY "minor".

I personally would prefer to have a family commitment ceremony where each of the couples (not SEXUAL couples, just couples) promised to one each other and the family as a whole their commitments.

Have you talked about the options?
Even in weddings things like that are done you know?

Maca and I exchanged vows with one another AND with each others children during our wedding ceremony. It was a FULL formal church ceremony and we exchanged rings with the kids and the whole works....
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:47 PM
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ok, one more-I was talking to GG (VERY briefly) as this is "our time" and he was curious as to what triggered me jumping into the board this morning.

I gave him an (admittedly) VERY truncated explanation.
He smiled in that "wow I f'd up, funny it's coming around" look and said, "because she wants it and you love her".

Now-I don't agree with that NECESSARILY-
BUT-I guess the question REALLY that I have-after hearing him say it is this Mono,

Do you have something AGAINST it?
If so-what? (if it's not too personal to share)

Because I think that if you love someone and they feel a need for something that you can give without personally damaging yourself, it's worth giving it to them even if it's not personally meaningful to you IN AND OF ITSELF; because THEY are meaningful to you and what they want/need is meaningful to you.

BUT it's IMPERATIVE that it not be something that would be personally damaging to you....

Ok-food for thought. This topic REALLY interests me, not only because it's you guys, but because it really relates to us as well.

The key reason I never dated GG before-is because he didn't ask. I really needed/wanted a man to want/need me enough to step up and ask for my hand.

Also-it's something that someday I really want to do, but I believe that it's important for me to consider the details VERY carefully about what I want/need because it's also important to me that any request I make doesn't leave Maca feeling like my commitment with his is insignificant-because it's SO NOT insignificant to me-AT ALL.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:48 PM
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I didn't realize the ceremonies were for anyone but the people performing the union. The people are there to witness it but the ceremony is for those involved.

My marriage was for my wife and I. If I was actually concerned with what the people in the crowd considered I likely wouldn't have done it.

Take that with a grain of salt. I am agnostic and really don't do anything to appease my spiritual side. The wedding was a formal commitment to my wife, but we also worded it so that is applied to OUR relationship (there was no commitment of fidelity for example)
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:38 PM
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I'd need more time to process the responses here but in a nut shell; I need to have confidence and genuine understanding of what meaning/message a ceremony would have. What would it achieve beyond the words I have said? I had a natural sense of what that meant in a traditional union, it was just an awareness.

This is not something I would do just for her..this has to come from my heart. I won't let something like this be a mere act on my behalf as that would dis-honor her. The words I say to her everyday are full of truth and confidence..I need to have the same truth and confidence in any ceremony or declaration of that.


It comes right down to a very basic fundamental belief (conditioning alert) that marraiges are meant to be between two people who are monogamous and commitment means sexual exclusivity. That is not what I want or expect in my relationship with Redpepper...so I will continue my journey of just loving her for now and building our family and moving into together when the opportunity is there.

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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-20-2010 at 07:40 PM.
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