Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-17-2009, 03:34 AM
lost lost is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Question feeling lost and looking for guidance

Background:

I have had a few romantic interests in my years. As a grade schooler I fell for a girl that I only met three times. We never kissed, but we would run off and hide together, smiling, giggling hugging holding hands and laughing. I was terrified and looked forward to it at the same time. In high school a cute girl asked me out. I held her hand that 1st day after school, but was too nervous to make out with her despite being invited to her house when her parents weren't home. (i kick myself for this) She broke up with me that same evening. In college a girl in one of the easy computer classes had a fancy for me, but I didn't feel a spark.

Five years later I found the most wonderful girl on the planet. We had gone to high school together, but I was a few grades older and our paths didn't cross despite her having eyes for me. Fortunately she was friends with my brother, who arranged our 1st date. After two years of living together we got married and lived happily ever after for a while... However, while in my mind we were happily ever after she was allowing a lot of things to fester. At some point I knew things weren't right, but my attempts to fix them were misdirected. I was treating symptoms (fixing things, cleaning things, making things) without discussing the cause.

Recently we have been seeing a marriage councilor, and maybe some day will find happily ever after, again. But this time for both of us.

The Issue:

I am a clumsy lover who shy's away from unfamiliar territory ESPECIALY if I find it interesting. My wife had interpreted this odd behavior as disinterest (I can't blame her) and spent quite a while sexualy frustrated. Before she was married she was in experimental stages of exploring bondage and involved in an established polyamorous relationship. When our communication crisis broke through the surface it became clear that these were two things my love desperately missed.

My First Opinion

She is the love of my life (how monogamous of me), and I need her to be happy. If that means that she needs additional partners then she should have them. If that means she has outgrown me and it's time for her to move on than she needs to. I only wish I was as strong.

My Second Opinion

I'm scared. I practically lost her, and on some level I know she loaths me for what lead up to marriage counseling. This has manifested it's self in her spending multiple nights a week out with friends while I am not invited. It includes an evening at a BDSM party that I thought would be an `us' activity when she wanted a `her' activity, and a party that, trying to pick up on subtitle hints, I did not attend where she fisted a cute submissive (bdsm) girl that she seems to want to keep to herself. I can't compete with all the strangers and I'm going to lose her. In theory, my First Opinion says this is okay if it makes her happy. However, in reality it makes me cry.

My Third Opinion

I'm excited about the possibility of US having polyamorous relationships, where we find mutual lovers that we can share. This sounds like a great way for me to shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity. (wow, I can sound corny)

Additional, on some level she wants me to embrace this lifestyle as she feels that because she is the only woman I have slept with I have `placed her on a pedestal'. I want to be her equal.

My Forth Opinion

I am strong enough to be in a relationship where I am monogamous and she is polyamorous. I just have to convince myself that I am so strong. Because of my social anxiety issues this is probably where we start.

Conclusion:

Please help! I'm feeling overwhelmed. Any opinions, guidance, feedback much appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-17-2009, 04:25 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I am sorry my friend..I wouldn't know what to say but I do want you to know your story touches me and I hope you find peace no matter what direction that takes you.

Take care
Sincerely
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-17-2009, 07:53 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,173
Default

Where to start.

Well my dear-you start by strengthening YOU. Look at yourself and find your good points-if necessary-ask her what she likes most about you.

Identify yourself (and her) she a dom? you a sub? Sounds like maybe so.

If so-how PERFECT.

Look her in the eyes and tell her you want her to dominate you and you will follow her lead-then obey. Let her take you to a ddsm party as her sub and let her make you do as she wishes.

I say this as you said you like the idea of being poly yourself-I wouldn't say that to Mono for example. But if you trust her-and you love her and she loves you-just do it. Great chance to open up to new things and let her pick them.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-17-2009, 08:01 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I'm thinking that this,

"shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity."
part you will need to do on your own a bit more.

It sounds like she is disliking your seeming clinginess and whimpiness. I'm not trying to be mean, but as it seems by what you write, you need to get out and do your own thing more and trust that she will not disappear. You know the saying, "set someone free and they will come back to you..." well this is where I'm going.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have boundaries however! Geesh, you'd better or it will make your head explode, but you have to be very willing to compromise. Asking to share who she meets for example does not seem like an option. She seems to want something for herself and so she should. What could you be okay with around that? ... just as one example.

Speaking from experience, she seems to be on the roller coaster ride that is the start of some poly relationships. I did it and a lot of women I know do it or have done it.... that is, we get our okay to go out into the world after feeling shut in, uncomfortable, depressed, lonely, misunderstood, and somewhat shackled to house, child, husband, job etc.

I'm not saying that she is feeling that way or has felt that way in entirety, but it is a good possibility. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you just that she wants some of her own back. Wants to feel her body again, feel others, have excitement, find out what is going on in the world that she missed out on, be desirous and desired. All that fun stuff that looks like she doesn't love you anymore and is a bit crazy.

I have suggested it before, but still say it... go and work on yourself. If you want to stay in her loop then figure out what YOU have been missing and do it. My husband decided to do some self improvement in the way of reading self help books to raise his self esteem. I can't keep up with him now. He has changed so much. I find that very appealing and exciting and sexy! He took it upon himself to not hunker down at home but go out and find his own friends and own partners that are just for him. I love hearing about them and what is going on in his life. Because it is HIS life, I just happen to share in it.

You really do need to go through the emotions you are at first. It is no different than any of us on here first starting out. Have a good long read on these forums and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.... there a million similar posts on here that are similar. Feel the feelings, talk to your wife about them and then ask her questions about what is going on for her. Try not to lose it when she answers you.... ask her to be completely honest and open. There is no other way to get through this intact otherwise. Then try and figure out where YOU want to go next.

good luck
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-17-2009, 01:36 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

I've posted this before, but have a read. It gives some practical tips on how to be a secure person. It's work though.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html

Also, have you been in therapy or are you considering therapy for just yourself? You might also consider seeing a practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Some of that stuff can be very good about changing the script you tell yourself in your head. Clearly, right now, your inner script to yourself is designed to keep you down.

And lastly:

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost View Post
I'm excited about the possibility of US having polyamorous relationships, where we find mutual lovers that we can share. This sounds like a great way for me to shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity. (wow, I can sound corny)
This is a HUGE red flag to me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not consider poly relationships or other people you're in relationships with as TOOLS to solve your own inner problems!!! It will only end in pain for everyone. None of that magical awakening or throwing away fear is going to happen if you haven't already dealt with it inside yourself first. An insecure person is going to feel insecure regardless of how much their partner bends over to make sure they feel secure. In fact, insecurities usually blow up and grow in such situations, even MORE SO if you're in a poly relationship.

NOBODY is going to break the cycle for you. NO RELATIONSHIP is going to break the cycle for you. The only way the cycle can be broken is if you own the fact that you are the only one keeping it going and then take the necessary steps to own the fact that you are perfectly capable of changing it.

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-17-2009 at 01:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-17-2009, 04:36 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post

Neuro-Linguistic Programming. .
Wow, I haven't heard that term in a while! We used to use it in combative training..very cool! (totally unrelated)
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-17-2009, 04:51 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Wow, I haven't heard that term in a while! We used to use it in combative training..very cool! (totally unrelated)
That's really funny because it's used in musician training too. Hmmmm....
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-17-2009, 05:12 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
That's really funny because it's used in musician training too. Hmmmm....
It is a great tool and obviously very diverse in it's application
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-17-2009, 09:23 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,927
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It is a great tool and obviously very diverse in it's application
Music AND Combat??? Chain me gently with a &^$% saw. Now I have to look more stuff up again!


Lost: Ceoli brings up a very good point...which should be heeded. If you have issues to resolve with yourself, other people cannot fix that for you. You need to do that for yourself. And as you've already discovered...there's no point bandaging the symptoms...you have to dig deep for the root.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-17-2009, 03:16 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost View Post
Please help! I'm feeling overwhelmed. Any opinions, guidance, feedback much appreciated.
I'll suggest buying a copy of Ten Days to Self Esteem. It's a workbook (It takes more than ten days to actually work through it). From what you've written, I'm guessing that workbook will do you a lot of good.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:18 PM.