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  #1  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:53 PM
floundering floundering is offline
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Default Help me please.

Help me please.
I am on the verge of losing the best relationship of my life.
Background in a nutshell. I have been with my partner since 1996 we have children. Five years into our marriage our sexual connection faded. I waited 7 years and finally said that I did not want to live without sex and romance in my life. We have morphed into best friends, there is no sexual or romantic intimacy between us. I started dating my gf a few years ago and for a long time I was afraid to really stand up for us because I didn't want to push my partner so hard that she would separate. My gf felt neglected and was so sad all the time that she wanted to pursue another relationship. She has done so and although I have tried for a few months and many sleepless sick nights to be poly i don't think I am. I know I have a wife, but I am sexually and romantically monogamous. I have tried to set up a meeting with the new gf to see if that would help but she only will meet me if the gf is there. I wanted to meet her to see her as a person and not my imagined monster. I know i sound greedy and selfish but I have tried so hard to fight for our relationship and now have my co-parents full permission and acceptance. It feels like it is all being tossed for a woman she has known for a couple months. I don't know what to do, and i can't stop crying. please help

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-10-2011 at 01:37 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:18 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I don't know quite how to help you. If you really can't deal with her having other relationships, poly isn't an option.
However, maybe mono isn't an option for her. You should talk about it. I mean I know you say she said she'll be mono if it ends with the other person, but she might be saying that because, like you, she doesn't want to lose you. And she's hoping with time it will work better.
Or maybe she would be fine with a mono relationship but doesn't want to hurt the other woman, just like she told you.

What's the problem with meeting her with your girlfriend also being there? You could always do that first and talk about things and see if you have a better idea what to do. I'm not sure I understand what the problem is, maybe it's scary for your metamour to meet you alone and that's why she'd rather have your girlfriend here too, plus she's who you have in common after all.

I would suggest to try and arrange a meeting with the three of you and get to know your metamour. Then you can see a) if poly is still unthinkable, b) if she makes your gf happy and c) how committed and in love she is, if it's still a stage where she could take it or leave it.

Either way, you'd probably have a better idea after said meeting, whether it goes well or not.
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  #3  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Knowing ones metamours makes a huge difference to the harmony of a tribe in my opinion. I think I would go out of my way to meet her as soon as possible and by any means possible. During the meeting I think I would express how I feel about it all and ask for in put around what boundaries they and you want to set. You don't have to agree right away, but agree to think about what they each suggest.

Likely the other two are just as anxious and concerned about the result as you. That means you can go into this with empathy and with the approach that they all have needs just as you do. Your gf has been waiting around for some time to be mono with you by the sounds of it. I think I would let her play this out and be their at the end of it or at least until its evident that this woman is a keeper to her. By that I mean about a year and long after the NRE after all.

It sounds like she might be mono too, or at least would prefer that, so I think I would be reassuring her all along that things have changed now and when she is ready, you will be waiting to be exclusively with her if that is what she wants. Thern wait.

As to sex? Its up to you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and there is no protocol.
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  #4  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:41 PM
floundering floundering is offline
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Thank you so much Tonberry. What I am trying/failing at doing is to follow a couple books that i bought on poly to try to deal. Most of what I have found is that people say it's best to meet the other gf on neutral ground away from the loved one so there can be no perceived, or imagined inequity in how she treats both of us. My biggest concern was trying to find some structure. I think that in my wanting to make her happy and not so bereft I said ok to something I had no idea would make me feel the way it does.
thanks again for responding, it is so nice to have someone hearing me.
thank you thank you

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-10-2011 at 01:38 PM.
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  #5  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:45 PM
floundering floundering is offline
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Thank you Redpepper! I told her that the most i feel i can do like this is a month. She's been seeing the woman for three months. Iwas hoping that if the meeting went well i could try for 6 months. A year sounds like being an abused wife at this point for me. Again, thank you thank you thank you.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-10-2011 at 01:38 PM.
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  #6  
Old 07-07-2011, 03:01 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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To clarify, it sounds like you may want to divorce your wife, remain co-parents, and develop a monogamous relationship with your girlfriend?

Are there reasons when the relationship with your girlfriend became more serious why this was not an option? While you are not in a sexual/romantic relationship with your wife, you can be considered non-monogamous because of the deep emotional connection parenting and being best friends have forged between you and your partner.

It would not be a bad idea to meet your girlfriend's interest but just meeting her is not likely to help. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have much to discuss about what each of you really want, and what that would look like, and how to get there.

What do you want? Do you know what she wants? On a deep level, beyond buzzwords like poly or monogamy, to what each of your hearts and minds truly wants from each other.
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  #7  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:27 PM
floundering floundering is offline
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Thank you Opalescent. Divorce is not an option because no one wants it. I don't because I want my children to feel secure. My gf loves my family and loves my co-parent. She does not want to live with me and does not want me to be apart from my kids. We talked for a long time last night about my desire to meet her new gf. I have hope that it will help me see her as less of a threat and more human. She agreed that the two of us, new gf and me will meet before they see each other again, I greatly appreciate that because I hope that my physical and emotional reaction to them being together will be much more tolerable. I am truly romantically and sexually monogamous with my gf and my co-parent is 100% aware of this and is on board. Thanks again for your comment and I really appreciate how helpful all of you have been. I wish everyone that needed or wanted support knew of this resource. Thank you all! So much!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-10-2011 at 01:39 PM.
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