Total Reprogramming

[beatbox151]

"All the lonely people, where do they all belong. All the lonely people, where do they all come from." ~Beatles

When my wife initially approached me a few years ago about opening up our relationship, we were in a much different place. I said no because the terms of the arrangement were very restricted. It was only for one occasion we do every year (4 day event). She wasn't ready to open up in our relationship totally, and neither was I.

A month ago she brings it up again, but this time she wants the doors to be wide open. The restrictions are gone. I can date anyone I want and carry on a full relationship with a gf and she can do the same with a new man. Now I begin to think about it. Butterflies in my stomach, little bit of restlessness, little bit of tension. I'm nervous and scared, because

A) My first marriage was a lesson in the moral pillars of monogamy
B) I am both scared of and turned on by my wife having sex with someone else.
C) We have no sex in our marriage, so I am badly in need of sexual intimacy.

The reasons we are doing this is that we have a good marriage. We work well together, we do love each other, we have many good things in our relationship. except sex. She is not motivated by sex at all. Which is a shame because she is very, very sexy....Now she wants me to be happy, she wants me to be honest with her and not lie to her. I love her for that...truely. I may NEVER find another woman who cares so much for me.

But there is more. She still isn't really interested in having sex. She wants to try a long distance relationship via internet with a friend online. We live in North Carolina and he lives in California. I asked her if she wanted to have sex with him and her answer was less than enthusiastic. But that is just how she is.

When she said "lets have an open marriage" I thought she was going to go crazy like I wanted to. I had a VERY hard time believing that sex with others was not her main goal, because it was very much mine. It's just her....she doesn't want it that much...pure and simple.

As much as I love the idea of starting a whole new relationship, I went through (in some cases still going through) a breakdown of the conventional monogamous paradigm. It really shows me the power of social conditioning, and social norms. It is just mind bending how much we are trained in life by the outdated modes of thought. My first wife would rather see me suffer and divorce me than share me with someone else. (However it turned out she was a total hypocrite and cheated on me)

The pros of polyamory as I see them:
1) I am a very social, very flirty person. I can feel free now and not hold back
2) I feel better about myself knowing that I can love my wife enough to let her go, to find her happiness.
3) I love women. I love to talk to them, I love their voices, I love their company. I will always feel that way. I just get along with them better.
4) There are many things that I want to experience that my wife will not do. Now I have the opportunity to try them.
5) I am going back to college early next year. I need not say more.
6) I felt really good telling my wife that it is okay that she begin a new relationship and not feel jealous.
7) My wife and I are very different people...we enjoy different things, like all couples do. We have things we both like, but the things I like I can do with other women now.

Polyamory CONS:

1) Total reprogramming - Not easy to do...but listen to Yoda for encouragement. "Be not afraid to lose the thing you most desire." It is and becomes enlightenment in a very pure form.


Over time the rules we have laid out will change, and we should be open to that possibility.

How many want to share how their rules have changed from the beginning?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

[COLOR="Red"]"

How many want to share how their rules have changed from the beginning?

I'm 10 months in to a very committed and very "out publicly" poly relationship. The boundries are the same but they have become refined and better understood between us. Essentially our understanding has changed but not the core of the boundries.

I'm seeing more and more posts of people who's spouse doesn't apparently want sex with them. What is this all about? I can't imagine being married to someone without physical intimacy.

[beatbox151]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'm 10 months in to a very committed and very "out publicly" poly relationship. The boundries are the same but they have become refined and better understood between us. Essentially our understanding has changed but not the core of the boundries.

I would like to explore other people's boundaries and get specific because they define the parameters of the core relationship. Everyone is different about what they expect from each other, or are they? I would think they are not.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'm seeing more and more posts of people who's spouse doesn't apparently want sex with them. What is this all about? I can't imagine being married to someone without physical intimacy.

All of the pieces with someone fits. All of my needs are met...except one. Now I could easily just say "screw it" and divorce. I could work on it, like I did for several years only to come to an dead end, then divorce. No, I chose to stay faithful, and stay married. I have tried to work with her on it and now, in light of our new arrangement, it seems secondary or even tertiary.

The fact is, she does not derive much pleasure from it. And when someone doesn't like much of anything, its kinda hard to please them. By the same token, the act with her seems more like a chore, so my enthusiasm is gone. Kinda sad, really, but not her fault. She just doesn't like sex with anyone and doesn't think about it much.

However, from this decision I made to stay married, I have now the opportunity to love whomever I want and have sex as often as I like with as much variety as I like. Not such a bad trade off, which is why keeping her happy and staying within the boundaries is important to me.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

I would like to explore other people's boundaries and get specific because they define the parameters of the core relationship.

You do know that's a lot to ask, right?

"Hi, I'm beatbox. I would like to get right up in your personal business. Thanks."

Originally Posted by beatbox151

Everyone is different about what they expect from each other, or are they? I would think they are not.

Every person, every relationship, and every polyamorous situation is different. In polyamoury, as in life, one size does not fit all.

[MonoVCPHG]

I was going to go through all previous threads dealing with boundaries but then realized this might not be the best thing to do. Why? Because it looks as if you are asking for an "operator's manual" for a polyamorous life. There are so many ways to approach poly and so many different personalities involved that we can't even agree on what poly is or isn't lol! Boundaries, rules, dynamics, relationship structures are so various there is no set way of negotiating or guidelines that can be applied across the board. Communication and honesty is the only thing that seems to be a constant in all these relationships.

While it is good to read and learn from other people's experiences, it is up to each individual to really discovery why they want things, how they can achieve them and what boundaries they will need to develop to achieve their personal goals...because they are personal.


When people ask how to justify thier interest in poly to a partner I used to offer some advice...now I just put that back on them. IMO if you can't come up with logical, understandable and genuine reasons for wanting something..then you don't want it for the right reasons. There are some things that others simply can't understand however...in those cases you just have to find acceptance.

[leeandlouise]

I'm not sure of your sexual situation with your wife but I have been there. I'm kinda new to all this too and I'm sure that what monovchpvabcd :^) may be referring to is a post I made very similar to yours on Friday. It took my wife and I 15 years before she ever even stared to like sex with me. Of course, we had some good moments over the years but overall, pretty bad. I think she just needed to let herself feel good about herself. I'll be blunt, she started masturbating (she didn't before ... much), thought of other men during our sex, etc. It wasn't until we started really talking about all this and we began a "complete honesty" clause in our conversations did any of this ever surface.
I don't know about everyone else out there, but this openness has been the best thing ever for our sex life. She's unreal ... like a completely different person.
Hopefully, this will happen for you. Talk, talk, talk ... and don't hold anything back. I think even monogamous couples would benefit from doing this.

[beatbox151]

Hey everyone,

I just thought I'd share a response I got from a woman on OKCupid that you might find interesting.

ME:
Yes, I'm married. I'm upfront about it, and she knows that I come here to meet people. And 'weird' though it may be to some, my wife and I are okay with sharing each other. I love her very much and I can let her go, and she can do the same for me. A consensual agreement.

I read your profile and you are not into married men, and I totally understand that. Cheating married men are devious, lying, hypocritical, assholes who just want to get theirs and save their own ass when the shit hits the fan.

I, however, am not a cheater, and never have been. I am a dedicated, loving, and generous person who doesn't need to lie, or deceive you or my wife. I am open about who I am and the things I need in a relationship. I was told this site was open minded about this kind of thing, but perhaps, like in my own case, it takes some getting used to.

I appreciate you writing back at least. If you wanna be friends, that's cool, if not, best of luck to you and I hope you find what makes you happy.

HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.


I take issue with the underlined. It implies much about me and my wife that she can't possibly know. I am head over heels in love with my wife. Does she drive me frickin crazy? yes....Does she have her issues? Of course. But that's what makes her my wife, and I chose her for god damn good reason.

Still, though you gotta laugh

Sorry I cussed......I'm gonaa go towel down now....

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.

Ooh! that was rude. And obviously she doesnt understand the diff between swingers and poly ppl.

[redpepper]

Just so you know, It took me a very long time, a lot of dates and many returned messages like that one to find what worked for my husband and my lives. I had just about given up when I met Mono...

Stay strong and let crap like that flow off your back. You could however point out to this woman that she is obviously not in the know about Poly and that OKC is where most of us search for others. AFF is for swingers and that is why you aren't there, because you aren't a swinger. Perhaps she will be interested enough to carry on a conversation... perhaps not. But I reckon a little educating doesn't hurt and only makes Poly more acceptable.

[sunnydee]

Well, Beat, I did tell you mono women will generally not appreciate being approached by a married man. If you search for poly in the keywords, you might be a lot happier with the results.

To be fair, she may have spoken a little rudely, but that's the internet for you. Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.