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Old 06-26-2011, 12:00 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Default The scariest and safest thing I've done...

I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

Last night, we had a friend over and we talked a lot about the situation. He is very monogamous, like me, and in a way argued my case to my partner. I think this really helped her open up more and say things she wouldn't have, out of fear of hurting me more. I learned a few new things, and for the first time in this I saw a flicker of honesty on her face when she told me that I control her relationship with her boyfriend. I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on. The flicker of honesty on her face though, showed how much this hurts her.
This morning, I had a dream where I was drowning in a river (my own metaphors coming back to haunt me) and she was standing on the bank. I reached out for help, but all I heard her saying was "you control this relationship", and I sank deeper. Now, I'm not saying this was a particularly spiritual moment, but I woke up feeling dishonest and cruel. How can I move forward when I have one foot on the brake, and one on the accelerator, both stomping like there's no tomorrow?
The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".
This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is. I have my own boundaries, and will respect them. Those who have read my earlier ramblings might know the setting of our relationship, the upside-down'ness of it, where my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I know I have soooo much work ahead of me, and much pain, but I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine. We had a really good 3some-day thursday, as I have mentioned in another post, and it made me feel hope. It made me want something more out of life.

Now, if anyone can invent an anti-NRE spray, I'll douse them both, so that we can move on. :-) I owe my life to this forum, the help I've received have been amazing, I cannot imagine what this would've been like without you people around me. Thank you!
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.

It's great your friend helped you get some insight and take the plunge into trust.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:20 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.
Well, technically, I just removed kissing from the rule, leaving sex. So, no definition of kissing, just that it was allowed. Sex was easily defined as anything that can get you pregnant, transmit an STD or lead to orgasm. Very simple definition. But all gone now. Except for the pregnancy and STD of course. Very big no-fly zones still. And I know that my partner will make sure it's safe and protect both herself and me. I do expect him to be tested and have a clean bill of health, of course. As I said, I can start making demands and expectations.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:27 PM
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Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"

I like the use of the term, "hard limit." We all have some. My only hard limit with my gf is that she not spend an overnight with a lover unless I know in advance it's happening. Just because I worry when she's out and I am not sure she is safe. I always get those "dead in a ditch by the side of the road" worries.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:42 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"
When it comes to her eventually having sex, all I demand is that she takes necessary steps to protect herself and me. We are not even close to them spending a night together, much less having sex yet, but by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.

Realistically I will never move along a linear path and go "Now, NOW you can have sex" and then a week later "NOW you can spend the night". I realise that's *really* not how this works.
Down the line, further than just the month we've been doing this, some days I might be fine with it, some I won't be and when I'm not, I can tell her how I feel. She'll know then that she can have it her way some days, others not. Just like anything else in a relationship.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:49 PM
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Interesting. When my ex and I first opened our marriage back in 1999, and we'd found a woman we were interested in, I wanted him and her to fuck asap. Just take the plunge and see how it felt. I was fine with their having full on sex... it was their overwhelming emotional intimacy and NRE that threw me for a loop. God, I was so naive.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 06-27-2011, 06:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on.

The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".

This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is.

my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.
This is a huge lesson learned in poly I have found. Awesome that you reached this place! Really it is I'm so happy for you. From here on in I would be surprised if everything hasn't changed for you. This is a deep change, more than perhaps you realize at the moment. Its complete freedom from fear. I hope you can hold on to that.

I am going to steal this for the lessons learned thread. This is a really great story that hopefully will give others hope and help them get there. Thanks!
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Old 06-27-2011, 01:30 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I completely get and understand the scary part of this story but not the "safest" part. How do you fine the safety here? Or rather where did you fine the safety....it may help others to hear how you came to view this situation/decision in that light.

Good luck D
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Old 06-28-2011, 11:04 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Red: Thank you, I am honoured! Things have changed, but not necessarily for the better for me. I'm having huge problems focusing these days, and I keep thinking about them. VanillaCrazyCake arranged a fantastic getaway just for us, yesterday, fancy hotel with a lovely outdoor pool. She coined a new term there, NRI/NRP, New Relationship Irritation/Pain. And I totally got that. :-D
What has changed though, Dingedheart, is that I don't feel fear anymore, I don't fear that she will leave me. I have set her free, and she remains with me, she has remained with me from the first day she admitted she loved him. I believe her. And I trusted in myself enough to give her full freedom of her life and relationship. If she'll leave me because he's better in bed, well then these 13 amazing years have been a charade. And they have not. Would I like it better if she figured out she didn't need to have sex with him? Yes, very much. Is that likely? No, not so much. Should it matter? Not really.
Right now I'm just circling, dealing with the fact that she DOES love him so much, and actually WANT to have two relationships. It's still alien to me, but I don't expect that to change for a long time...

If however anyone has good tips or techniques on how to focus on what's at hand, feel free to pour them on me. Right now, they are both in my head even when I'm alone with my partner, and that is truly annoying, because I cannot focus all of my attention on her, which she deserves. I get distracted, and that makes me sad. Buuuut ok, 1 month in. What can I expect... :-)
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:28 PM
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I don't like to dredge up old posts, but a friend of mine showed me this forum today and I was clicking around randomly and came to this post. After reading this part...

Quote:
And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.
I actually broke into tears. I registered just to point that out and thank you for this story. I really truly hope things are going well for you and your family, and the love you've helped flourish comes back on you ten fold.
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