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Old 11-05-2009, 07:14 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Default Can one have a 'primary' partner for whom they are not 'primary'?

Something that's come up a couple times and is resurfacing again.

Having a partner in your life who for you is "primary", whatever that means for you. But, you don't have as much "importance" for them. I don't know how else to phrase it.

Just thinking out loud, really.

roly
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:29 PM
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Yep, it happens. I know a few people in that situation. It's also a situation that can work for some.
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:32 PM
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The question is whether the needs of each partner are being met. If everyone's needs are being fulfilled, there's no problem and "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:58 PM
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Thanks. I know it's possible and can work. Just haven't yet experienced it fully. I spent the night with 'R' last night and realize how much I love him. He cares about me too, but it's a bit complicated. He is bi, but has relationships primarily with men. We have a strong connection and I'm thinking it has meaning for me that's different than for him. I'm pretty happy being in his life in whatever capacity. The fear is, of course, what if he fell in love with a man. It would change our relationship, etc, etc... The usual poly stuff.

Just amazes me how love can be just love. How loving someone can be so fulfilling in and of itself.
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Old 11-05-2009, 08:03 PM
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Here's a good piece on being a secondary:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html

Some of it might be useful for you.
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:05 PM
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I like to think of it that way too roly, love can be just love and it can be fulfilling just to love.
I do this readily regardless if someone loves me back even a titch. I totally think they can be a primary even if you are not theirs. As long as you don't have expectations that you receive that title in return and keep yourself from being used or hurt because of it, then why not. There is nothing I like more than bestowing love on people without them knowing. Unfortunately I have been used for this trait and have to be very clear that I bestow love on my own terms, rather than theirs. It can get complicated but can be so fullfilling, as you say. I don't regret giving of myself in loving ways for one moment, regardless of the pain I have had in my life.
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