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  #1  
Old 11-05-2009, 05:06 PM
jakelly jakelly is offline
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Default My Girlfriend is Breaking Up with her Girlfriend, Help me

So I'm very new to polyamory. I am in a relationship with a woman who was already in a relationship with another woman for three years. We fell in love while the other partner was studying abroad (red flag maybe?), but everything was discussed every step of the way. They were already open about being polyamorous, so after some open communication, my girlfriend made it clear she wanted to consider us as two equal partners. The other partner and I are good friends, spend lots of time together, including one night a week both sleeping at our girlfriend's house.

My girlfriend recently told me she is considering leaving the other woman. She says she doesn't think they'd be together if my presense had not reminded the other woman that she wanted to stay with her, and that she is finding that she needs me more often than her. I've tried to help her consider the possibility that she is just reacting to new relationship energy, that whatever minor things are weak in their relationship are just shining too brightly in me, or something like that. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I don't want to advise her to leave the other woman, that feels dishonest and biased. I want her to be happy, and can't advise her. I'm afraid that if I do, and she leaves her, then down the road, I'll be the one resented as the homewrecker.

Someone please help, everyone else I know has no basis of comparison.
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  #2  
Old 11-05-2009, 05:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't have advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know people ARE reading your post and someone will have something helpful to say.

Besides that, it's refreshing to read because we don't see this type of question very often on this forum.

I hope it all works out for the best.
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  #3  
Old 11-05-2009, 05:59 PM
Tahirabs Tahirabs is offline
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Question ?help?

The only advice I can give you is to maybe suggest to your girldfriend a time period to wiat and see how things are going. During this time period she could, if she wanted to, make a list of reasons she has wanted to be with this women and reasons why she now wants to leave her. If she thinks things through during htis time period (and it should be more than a week or two in my opionion) than maybe she will relize what she really wants (what ever that is) and not make a hasty decission like you are afread she will. Hope this helps.
Signed,
T
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  #4  
Old 11-05-2009, 06:11 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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The only question I would raise is about the nature of your girlfriend. Perhaps she is more serial monogamous than poly? Has she had successful poly relationships in the past?
It's easy to say I am poly, but until someone has been in a successful multi-partner relationship who knows. Is this a cycle of one new relationship replacing the older with a brief overlap?
Pehaps your girlfriend need sto look inward for awhile.

No one wants to be the homewrecker..trust me, I know that concern and regardless of what people say, externally that is what it will look like.

Take care
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-05-2009 at 06:18 PM.
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  #5  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:14 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Poly relationships are no different than any other--they form, prosper, and may dissolve. Your girlfriend is correct in that her relationship with her girlfriend may have dissolved had you not appeared.

The only things I'd suggest are these:

First, get them together to talk about it. Yeah, it's that open communication thing. It still applies when it appears a relationship is dissolving. Indeed, it's as critical in the last stages of a relationship as in any other part. Negotiating a breakup is like negotiating any other part of a relationship.

Second, you're dealing with two people who will need support. Unless one of them has done something dastardly, it's best not to take sides. One is your lover who will be dealing with some grief. The other is a friend who will be dealing with some grief. Find a way to support each of them and steadfastly refuse to take sides in the matter.
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  #6  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:30 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
The only question I would raise is about the nature of your girlfriend. Perhaps she is more serial monogamous than poly?
What makes you think that?
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  #7  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:45 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
What makes you think that?
Simply that she may not have had other poly relationships. If she has never known what it was to maintain two functioning relationships, than perhaps she is in fact not poly at all. Perhaps she acted poly but is actually more serial monogamous. What's her history? Is this the first time she experienced "trying" to maintain a multiple partner relationship?

Some people say they are monogamous when they aren't, some people say they are poly when they aren't.
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  #8  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:48 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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This can be a really sticky situation. Handle with care. And love. And respect.

Really. That's my advice.

It's not your responsibility to patch up your SO's relationship with her OSO, or to gird your loins for a big break-up battle. It's your responsibility to meet the situation in a direct, loving, compassionate manner, with care and respect for all parties.

Ultimately, the responsibility for the state of their relationship rests with them, but you can encourage and support open communication and loving behavior.
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  #9  
Old 11-07-2009, 01:39 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
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Default similar situation

i recently found myself in a similar situation with my lover asking advice about his relationship with his long term girlfriend. I felt challenged and uncomfortable providing any advice that wasn't supportive of his relationship as worried about not being unbiased. I went away and reflected on my motives and realised i did have love and integrity at the core of my intent of giving advice. I considered that if he was a friend without being a lover i wouldn't be worried about giving my opinion if asked, and i decided that as friendship and honesty is the basis of our relationship then i owe it to him to be honest and give him my opinion, as he wanted it. I don't however, plan to make a habit of this, because as much as i want to support my love and this includes being there to help him work through life stuff (such as relationships with others) i think ultimatly they must and will, make decisions based on what THEY feel is best, not on the projections of others. I think from now on, i will listen if needed, but hold back my opinions and just support them to work with what THEY know. So my advice is to let your girlfriend know you are there to support her, but also explain to her that its hard for you to provide advice as you have a conflict as your friends with her girlfriend and to encourage her to make whatever decision is right for her and reassure her that she will be supported no matter what she decides, or doesn't decide. I think its great you are acknowledging your conflict. And you certaining don't sound like a homewrecker. You are only responsible for your relationships and friendships and your actions and you know when you are acting with integrity. Whether their relationship continues or ends- that is THEIR responsibility and because of THEM not you. Let them own the responsibility and just trust in yourself and know that as long as you are holding love in your heart-you are doing the right thing.
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