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  #1  
Old 06-24-2011, 07:00 AM
tenderandreserved tenderandreserved is offline
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Default A poly asked me out.

I'm a single female, early twenties. I used to think I was mono, but considering the amount that I date, maybe that's not accurate. But I never thought about polyamory, until a polyamorous man started spending a lot of time with me, and things heated up.

Now I guess I'm what could be called a second? I know he maintains other relationships, plural, but that's all I know. No - I also know he REALLY loves one of the other girls, because he talked about initial jealousy.

I like the guy. A lot. But I find myself with so many questions... I worry about calling him, in case he's "occupied." I imagine some of the women posting on his facebook are ones he's involved with, and they're more beautiful than I am, and know him better. I worry that he's not really into me, but that he's acting on his freedom to sleep around, and takes advantage of my liking him. I worry that he'll get bored shortly, since I'm less attractive and witty, and move on.

Obviously these are silly insecurities. But can some members of this community help me understand? How do I know it's not meaningless?
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:01 AM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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You'll learn a lot about yourself...

You'll learn a lot about dating...

Roll with the experience, but don't risk more than you normally would. Don't worry about prettier. Personality, intelligence and wit don't photograph as easily. Don't compare your insides with their outsides...

Ultimately, you may end up with a bunch of close friends that you never would have met.... on the mono path.
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:45 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Scheduling is a common theme in poly relationships. If you haven't already, sit down with him to find out if he's got regularly scheduled date times with others, so that you don't interrupt. If you think that you can handle knowing, ask him to let you know when he's with someone so that you don't interrupt. Or, work out a system where he simply doesn't answer the phone if he's occupied, and that's okay with you.

There are so many options. Poly is about making up your own relationship structure with those you love (or potentially love!).

How long have you two been seeing each other?

Do some tag searches around here for mono/poly, secondary, and foundations. You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:49 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.
This.
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:35 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.
Link please.
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:19 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default As requested



http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...secondary+bill
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:43 PM
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Thanks Mono! The interweb pwns me.
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Old 06-24-2011, 09:57 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tenderandreserved View Post
I know he maintains other relationships, plural, but that's all I know. No - I also know he REALLY loves one of the other girls, because he talked about initial jealousy.

I like the guy. A lot. But I find myself with so many questions... I worry about calling him, in case he's "occupied." I imagine some of the women posting on his facebook are ones he's involved with, and they're more beautiful than I am, and know him better. I worry that he's not really into me, but that he's acting on his freedom to sleep around, and takes advantage of my liking him. I worry that he'll get bored shortly, since I'm less attractive and witty, and move on.

Obviously these are silly insecurities. But can some members of this community help me understand? How do I know it's not meaningless?
I have to say, just because he is polyamorous does not mean he is "acting on his freedom to sleep around." Poly and open are two different things and you shouldn't assume that he is sleeping around just because he is poly, has a main squeeze, and might be dating you and others. It could be that he dates to find someone to be more serious with and only has sex with a core few. People have different definitions of what dating is, what poly is, what primary and secondary mean to them, even what safe/safer sex is. So, he could be sleeping around -- but you won't know unless you ask him!

These are not silly insecurities -- you have valid questions.

If you have been or plan to be sexual with him, you need to know how many people he's involved with and what kind of safer sex practices he uses.

The only way to know if you can call him without interrupting anything is to ask him - "hey, what nights can I call?" Simple.

I'm sure you told him you have never been in a situation like this, so he should be receptive to questions. You don't have to act like you are totally together, in control, and "got it covered." Just say, "I really don't know what I'm doing, or how this works. Explain to me what poly means to you." And so on.

Oh, and about checking out the pics of the women who post on his FB, stop imagining which ones he's with and ask him that too! You should know who they are, it shouldn't be a big mystery. Poly is about communicating and being informed. THEN - stop comparing yourself to them. Nobody ever wins when we play the compare game, it's just an unkind thing to do to yourself. He is attracted to you and wants to be with you for you.

But you know, YOU could be the person to move on. You shouldn't let whether or not you continue with him be totally up to him. Be a woman in charge and weigh all the information to make your own decision.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #9  
Old 06-26-2011, 12:08 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, and about checking out the pics of the women who post on his FB, stop imagining which ones he's with and ask him that too! You should know who they are, it shouldn't be a big mystery.
Exactly what I was thinking! Poly isn't about secrets. What's scary and can fuel our insecurities often is mystery. "Who else is he with? How many of them? Maybe she's nicer than me and perfect and so on?"
Well, ask who his other partners are, they're your metamours, it's perfectly normal for you to know them, talk to them and get to know them. It's much less scary when it's an actual person you know.
Plus this way one might tell you she's seeing him a specific day and time and you'll know not to call then, or you can arrange schedules with them too, not just with him.
Plus knowing your metamours is a good way to be sure he's not actually cheating. Sadly it doesn't seem uncommon for cheaters to just go "oh yeah, my wife/girlfriend/partner know" (or the potential plural equivalents) because this way they have to hide the cheating from one less person and it's easier for them to deal with.
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  #10  
Old 06-26-2011, 06:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I have to say, comically, everytime I read this post, I think someone with a terminal disease asked you out haha,..,.

"a poly touched me what do i do"

ok beyond the comedy of the phrasing. I would ask yourself some questions. I assume you are mono, or newly exploring poly

1 - can you be in a relationship with this guy and realize you won't get time with him at times you may want. Will his lack of availability impact you long term or will you learn to deal with it
2 - I notice comments about not looking at the pics and stop torturing yourself. He should tell you who he is involved with.. BUT.. the reality is you have to learn how to deal with things like this yourself. You have to figure out how not to worry about everything going on around him. There are two parts to that, he needs to be more transparent and you need to learn to deal with all of the unknowns poly brings.
3 - He will always be available.. period.. in monogamy you have the ability to be with someone who becomes commited and devoted.. poly will never allow for that. How do you feel about that?

One other note, you might want to come up with an honest way to look at communication. Times, best times. Rules. Have him let you know when you shouldn't text or message. Then you won't be left wondering.. That will help a lot...

Also, poly allows for freedom, it doesn't mean we commit to everyone we see. In any relationship there is a chance of all the things you are worried about.. becoming bored, disinterested, finding a new infatuation.. This isn't a necessarily a poly thing..

A lot of this, if you are non-monogamous, might be remedied by finding your own primary. If he can only be your secondary, if you are waiting to be a primary, you won't be fair to yourself.

Ari
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