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Old 11-04-2009, 06:49 PM
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Ok - another question: ( I am having lots of these right now)

Ouroboros and I are having a FABULOUS time. This has been one of the best relationships of my life so far. I have my fears, etc. but here is something rattling around in my brain... I am not even sure if this is true for me, but would be concerned if it were.

The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

[To complicate things, I keep thinking about the other man I love, who has no idea about this situation (but we are not together... This has been a cause of suffering for me as well). ]

I wonder if doing this because I want to see where the relationship will go is ethical to myself? OR am I selling out? thoughts?
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:09 PM
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Selling out what?
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:22 PM
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mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."
For me it's about being healthy. I don't want to be poly, nor did I seek out a poly relationship. Poly is a package deal with Redepper. I am healthy in that and inevitably that is what it comes down to.
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Old 11-04-2009, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well?
People have responded to other aspects of your question, redsirenn. What I'm wondering is if this sentiment stems from the old cliches in the dating world.

Why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk free....
You can't change someone...
Don't have sex until x dates.....

...and it's unhealthy to do x in a relationship...

Obviously, there is truth to a lot of this. You will have a hard time if you think that someone will change during the course of your relationship because you want them to. And it's very healthy to have a relationship with yourself first.

I'm just wondering how much validity there is to the idea that it's unhealthy to sacrifice certain things for a relationship. We sacrifice for our jobs, for our children, for all sorts of things. Why is it suddenly unhealthy to sacrifice something for a relationship, if it's what you want?

...just my thoughts and probably some of my own baggage.

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I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?
Exactly. I think it's very personal. If what you want is to put energy into these two relationships and pursue poly and you are not sacrificing something you may later regret, then I say there's a healthy way to do it. (By regret, I mean the "What was I thinking, I was so blinded" kind of regret).

Maybe you can look at ways to manage your time so you can fit everything into your life that you desire to fit. And maybe you can find the personal, "I'm doing this for me" benefits to what you feel is sacrificing for a relationship.

Does that make sense?

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Old 11-10-2009, 11:35 PM
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I'm dealing with this some myself. I am happy with the poly relationship that I currently in, altho it is extremely complicated. However, I see it as inevitable that my primary relationship will someday end. I don't know if this is a type of relationship that I wll wish to pursue again with my now secondary and someone else. However, he really wishes for me too. I feel pushed to continue this in the future, when quite possibly I would be very happy just to be with him. I don't mind for him to continue with his bf, but I'm not sure that I would want a 2nd bf. I guess I should just take things as they are and not agonize over something that hasn't happened yet. But I think about it as my 2nd has brought it up before.
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Old 11-11-2009, 12:01 AM
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Why do you see it as inevitable that you primary relationship will end? No one can predict the future...
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.
I'm not sure what the right answer is for you, but I do know that for myself, if I'm trying to sustain a relationship based on convincing myself that I can change something fundamental (either in myself or in my partner) in order to preserve the relationship, it's always going to be on shaky ground.

Plus I find it interesting that you're saying you're giving up something really good when that really good still involves "hard work and agony, taking time away from other important things in your life". For me, if I say "My relationship is wonderful, except for x", the the actual truth is that my relationship isn't wonderful with that niggling "x" sitting in the middle of it.
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:43 PM
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well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:
Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

Is that ethical to myself?
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:


I'm a little lost...are you poly? Or are you trying to adapt to it to be with your partner?

I would find it baffling why anyone who isn't poly would "need" it but I do understand why a person would try to adapt to it in order to be with someone they love.
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