I Think I'm Polyamorous!

[Snowdancer]

It's amazing how long you can go through life without being fully aware of something that is basic to your own personal make-up. It wasn't until I was on Adult FriendFinder for over a year and started doing some research on Open Relationships, that I began to realize that I am naturally Polyamorous. All the evidence was always there; yet somehow, I never managed to put it all together before.

Through all of my adult life I've pretty much believed that I should have the right to pursue intimate relationships with whomever I wanted, and have always wanted the freedom to do so. But I've also felt my partners should have that same right too (or anyone and everyone else for that matter.)

The idea of having casual sex with friends has always made a lot of sense to me too, even though it didn't seem to make sense to many others. I've felt sexually attracted to plenty of my friends. It just makes sense to express those feelings with those you care about.

Although pretty much all of my girlfriends have been fully faithful to me, I've never insisted that they couldn't have sex with others. I've been in a number of monogamous relationships with partners that I've loved very much. Despite this, I always ended up feeling unfulfilled, and that my needs weren't being met. I suppose it's like putting a salt-water fish in fresh water. It's still water, but eventually the fish is going to die because the environment is toxic to it's basic make-up.

So anyway, I'm finally accepting the fact that I must be Polyamorous. I accept that I am perfectly capable of loving and having feelings for more than one person, and that it is natural for me to express my sexual feelings with the consenting women that I care for.

I hope all of you find your own path in life!

Snow

[RfromRMC]

Well-said!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

It wasn't until I was on Adult FriendFinder for over a year and started doing some research on Open Relationships, that I began to realize that I am naturally Polyamorous. All the evidence was always there; yet somehow, I never managed to put it all together before.

Through all of my adult life I've pretty much believed that I should have the right to pursue intimate relationships with whomever I wanted, and have always wanted the freedom to do so. But I've also felt my partners should have that same right too (or anyone and everyone else for that matter.)

The idea of having casual sex with friends has always made a lot of sense to me too, even though it didn't seem to make sense to many others. I've felt sexually attracted to plenty of my friends. It just makes sense to express those feelings with those you care about.

While I am happy for you that you are glad about making a discovery about yourself, I have to mention that your post seems very focused on sex, or rather casual sex. You do know that that is not what polyamory is about? I just felt it important to reiterate here that polyamory is about love. I would think that most anyone you would find looking for hook-ups on Adult FriendFinder is not really hoping for polyamorous relationships - that site is just about sex. Although sex is a part of most relationships, many poly relationships do not include casual sex or even, for some, any sex at all. If poly relationships also have an open element to it, where the partners can and do seek casual liaisons, it seems that most peeps involved in something like that will acknowledge that is not the poly part. If you're focusing on the sex and having lots of casual sex, that's one thing; if you're focusing on LOVING more than one person, that's polyamory.

[Snowdancer]

Different people have different ideas about what polyamory is. Simply put, it is loving more than one parther. Non-monogamy is another term used. It doesn't mean someone has to be in a 3 way marriage to qualify. If a person wants to have a steady relationship and see others on the side, that is polyamory too. If they want to have 3 or 4 steady relationships, that too is polyamory. If people want to have sex with their friends, that is polyamory. Generally, people love their friends, that qualifies.

You assume Adult Friend Finder is all about casual sex, and you would certainly think so based on their advertising. But there is a whole blogging community there that encompasses about every possible lifestyle imaginable.

For a person into an alternative lifestyle, you don't strike me as being particularly open minded.

[Snowdancer]

P.S.

This website has this definition for polyamory:

Polyamory n 1: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time (2008). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2: romantically loving more than one person at a time 3: responsible non-monogamy based on honest open communication and conscious choices

This is what Wikipedia says:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

There is nothing in what I said that is not consistent with these definitions. Sorry if I don't fit yours!

[Snowdancer]

P.S.S. I didn't say I was here looking for casual sex. How did you leap to that conclusion?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

Different people have different ideas about what polyamory is. Simply put, it is loving more than one parther. Non-monogamy is another term used. It doesn't mean someone has to be in a 3 way marriage to qualify. If a person wants to have a steady relationship and see others on the side, that is polyamory too. If they want to have 3 or 4 steady relationships, that too is polyamory. If people want to have sex with their friends, that is polyamory. Generally, people love their friends, that qualifies.

Yes, all that is true. No matter how many ideas people have about what it is, polyamory is the ability to love more than one person intimately. I never said it had to be a three-way marriage (or any other configuration) to be poly. The operative word in all the scenarios you mentioned is love, not sex, in order to be polyamory.

Yes, poly is a form of non-monogamy; the word "non-monogamy" is not just another word for polyamory, being an umbrella term that encompasses other types of relationships that are not monogamy but not polyamory, either.

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

You assume Adult Friend Finder is all about casual sex, and you would certainly think so based on their advertising. But there is a whole blogging community there that encompasses about every possible lifestyle imaginable.

Good to know. Thanks for that - I didn't know it had a blog function. Maybe I'll check it out - last time I went there, it was a real turn-off and seemed like it was all about random hook-ups for recreational and anonymous sex, and not much better than Craigslist.

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

For a person into an alternative lifestyle, you don't strike me as being particularly open minded.

I'm not into an alternative lifestyle. I strive to incorporate poly into my lifestyle. Big difference -- there is no one poly lifestyle. But really, it's fine with me if I don't seem open-minded to you. I'm as open-minded as I can be -- but I'm somewhat of a stickler about the use of words and language. I was reaching out and I think you misunderstood what I was saying as being judgmental -- I did not mean it that way. I apologize for coming off that way.

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

This website has this definition for polyamory:

Polyamory n 1: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time (2008). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2: romantically loving more than one person at a time 3: responsible non-monogamy based on honest open communication and conscious choices

This is what Wikipedia says:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

There is nothing in what I said that is not consistent with these definitions. Sorry if I don't fit yours!

Nothing wrong with any of these definitions (I am a contributor at Wikipedia and have edited the polyamory page, btw). But you mostly mentioned sex in your first post, so I didn't know how you were defining polyamory.

Originally Posted by Snowdancer

P.S.S. I didn't say I was here looking for casual sex. How did you leap to that conclusion?

I didn't say you were looking for casual sex. I don't know nor presume to know what you're looking for. I said that the focus of your original post seemed to be on sex and casual sex, as that is what you mentioned most (in every paragraph, in fact) when you spoke about how you discovered polyamory as an option for yourself. I was not judging; I was simply mentioning that poly is about love, in case you were heading in a different direction. No offense intended.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Although sex is a part of most relationships, many poly relationships do not include casual sex or even, for some, any sex at all.

This comment intrigues me. Do you consider a person's behavior polyamorous if they just experience platonic love with multiple people? I view myself as a monogamist because I have never pursued erotic relationships with more than one person at a time, although I HAVE felt guilty about the potential to desire someone in that way if I would not control the feelings. Do you think it's polyamory when people channel feelings of attraction into non-sexual interactions such a friendships and positive conversation? Is the only way to be totally monogamous to completely emotionally distance yourself from everyone you interact with except your one partner?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

Is the only way to be totally monogamous to completely emotionally distance yourself from everyone you interact with except your one partner?

Based on how I work: (and I can only speak for myself)
If you are merely acting mono due to conditioning, or your current situation, then keeping a distance would be a strategy to prevent new intimate connections that conflict with an existing one. If however, you are truly internally mono, there is no need to distance yourself from anyone. You only have that one type of intimate connection with a single person. All other relationships involve a different type of connection. The only time these other connections can cause a problem is if you have an insecure partner who views platonic friendships as a threat.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Based on how I work: (and I can only speak for myself)
If you are merely acting mono due to conditioning, or your current situation, then keeping a distance would be a strategy to prevent new intimate connections that conflict with an existing one. If however, you are truly internally mono, there is no need to distance yourself from anyone. You only have that one type of intimate connection with a single person. All other relationships involve a different type of connection. The only time these other connections can cause a problem is if you have an insecure partner who views platonic friendships as a threat.

That makes sense but how do you know if the connections you have with people are truly totally platonic or if there's a potential for more? To me it seems like if you find a person attractive and interesting there could always be a potential for a relationship, but the reason you don't pursue every relationship is because there's also a potential for damage.

It's like shopping. You can go shopping and see lots of things you think you would maybe like to buy or at least try out but you limit yourself to only buying the things you really need because you don't want to end up buried under a pile of credit-card bills. With monogamy I think the problem is that many people feel jealous if they just feel like you're paying attention to other merchandise in the store. But I think that may have to do with the fact that women do more work to make themselves appear attractive than men. Women should probably stop competing for male attention unless they're open to polyamory.