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  #1  
Old 06-19-2011, 01:26 AM
Soundwave Soundwave is offline
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Default Poly with two equal partners. For me?

I don't really know where to to begin, so I'll start with some history. I am 26, female, and I have had three serious relationships in my life so far, all for years at a time, and with no breaks in between. My first real boyfriend and I had a pretty good relationship. We were young so we certainly had an immature side, but we were together four years and he was the first person I ever loved. I wasn't looking for anything else, we were happy, but I found myself excited by another guy and I very quickly cheated (he had cheated on me once about a year before, not that it makes it right but I was always a little sore about it) with the new guy. I fell pretty hard for the new guy. He was much older and I was presented with a lot of opportunities, so as hard as it was, I left my high school sweetheart and moved across the country with him. I never stopped loving my first, but since he was so far away, he faded from my life. I remember asking myself at that time if I thought it could be possible to love two people.

Fast forward to boyfriend 2. We had an even better relationship. He was the most mature, loving, forgiving, mature boyfriend ever. He helped me step out my shell in so many ways. He is honestly the most influential person in my life and I owe him so much for everything he has done for me. From the start of the relationship, he requested an "open" one. This didn't end up meaning much for us, we were definitely mono, though maybe a little more open about our thoughts than some mono couples.

Three happy wonderful years went by, and at his encouragement I stepped out of the relationship to pursue a sexual relationship with a friend of mine. This friend and I had the best sexual chemistry. Now, I had great sex with both my boyfriends... but this was different. We couldn't stay away from each other and began to have sex on a daily basis for months. And that's when I started lying. It didn't feel good, but I felt very guilty about how much I enjoyed spending time with new guy. I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend with how much sex we were having. I started spending more and more time with this guy and a very strong friendship blossomed. There was a while where we both pretended we were just in it for the sex, until we could no longer ignore it. I was so torn because I loved my boyfriend and this guy both so much. The new guy obviously felt more exciting at the time, but I felt mentally tortured every day by the thought of having to choose between them.

I ended up leaving my boyfriend for this guy, it was the hardest thing I ever did, because I realize now it wasn't at all what I wanted. The new boyfriend and I really struggled with our relationship. We fought a lot because there were so many bad feelings surrounding us. He knew how important he was to me and felt very sad for what happened to us. He wanted to be with me, but struggled with insecurity issues and felt responsible for ruining his life.

Fast forward to now. It's been two years. The old boyfriend and I are still friends but don't see each other much. Being with him makes me pretty sad. No matter how long I spend away from him the feelings have never subsided. I still cry when I'm alone because I miss him. On the flip side, things are going VERY well with the new boyfriend. We got past all our issues and have a very loving relationship.

So.... during these two years, I have often thought about what might be wrong with me. Why did I love two people? I certainly couldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling, because I don't know anyone who could relate or understand. I have been in serious agony and gone through some very dark depressing times due to the fact that I knew I was deep in love with two guys. I said it earlier, but it seriously tortures me and I honestly feel like I will never be happy again because of this event. No matter who I choose, I will always be very sad I can't be with the other.

This brings me to today. I have been reading a lot of poly and it has been a little helpful to find out I'm not just a cold-hearted bitch. I am very SERIOUSLY debating being honest and asking my boyfriend to consider letting me have a relationship with both of them. He knows I have struggled with this, he knows I love the other guy, but I still think it would come as a bit of a shock to him, and I know he will feel very hurt at first. He is pretty open minded, so I think he would be willing to listen once he got over the initial shock. I'm also afraid he'll want to leave me for it.

Sometime I feel very positive about doing this, and other times I think about how complicated the logistics would be. Is there anyone out there in a poly relationship with two equal partners? Is there anyone out there with experience "coming out" as a poly to your mono SO. I'm terrified, but feel like I just can't go on with my heart in two places anymore. In my darkest times, I thought about suicide a little just to stop the constant pain.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate any advice I can get on this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Thanks for listening!
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2011, 06:57 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soundwave View Post
Sometime I feel very positive about doing this, and other times I think about how complicated the logistics would be. Is there anyone out there in a poly relationship with two equal partners?
Hmm, depends a bit on how you define equality. Reading from what most people experience when starting out on poly, although distinctions like primary/secondary/tertiary may be important security blankets for many couples in the beginning, the distinctions tend to fade when the 'secondary' relationships progresses.

Of course, many people reserve the term 'primary' for the person(s) they actually live with, share economics with etc.

As to the logistics? Make a schedule everyone is comfortable with.

How sure are you that your ex would be willing to get back together with you on poly basis?

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Originally Posted by Soundwave View Post
Is there anyone out there with experience "coming out" as a poly to your mono SO.
Aplenty of folks. Do a tag search on mono/poly. That is one of the top five questions/situations people have when coming here.

And welcome. No matter how painful the past may have been, at least now you have a word for what you were experiencing back then.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soundwave View Post
Sometime I feel very positive about doing this, and other times I think about how complicated the logistics would be. Is there anyone out there in a poly relationship with two equal partners? Is there anyone out there with experience "coming out" as a poly to your mono SO. I'm terrified, but feel like I just can't go on with my heart in two places anymore. In my darkest times, I thought about suicide a little just to stop the constant pain.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate any advice I can get on this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Thanks for listening!
Yes there are others. I live with my two equal partners and have two others. All equal, just varying degrees of attention and merging of our lives.

People create what works for them without guilt. You can do that too as long as you are considerate of everyone involveds life and relationship goals, stay honest and on top of what you desire and remember to take it slow.

Do a tag search here for what interests you; perhaps "mono/poly" "lessons" "foundations" "coming out" (the last being more about coming out to people out side of the relationship) and read read read. There is lots to take in, maybe doing this with your boyfriend will help you all learn together.
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  #4  
Old 06-21-2011, 08:20 PM
Soundwave Soundwave is offline
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Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. I guess one thing that I am noticing as I read more of these forums is that I have yet to find someone in a similar situation as me. That's not to say I think I'm special or anything, and I know everyone's situation is different, but it seems that a common route to poly is having one partner, then falling in love with another one. This did happen to me, but I didn't know enough to understand what it was, and I did what everyone else thought I should do (leave for the new guy) instead of what I really wanted to do.

Now that I've been with the new guy for a while, and I am discovering poly, it is interesting to me that NRE has nothing to do with it. I just feel like I am finally able to say what I have known all this time: I am in love with two guys. I think this might help me "pitch my case" to the guy I am living with right now. The subject has come up in the past, so he knows I still love the other guy. He was pretty hurt though, and this is why I have hesitated for so long.

Since BU asked, my ex boyfriend would be much more likely to be in a poly relationship than my current. He introduced me to "open relationships" and values freedom, personal choice, being yourself etc. more than anyone I know, and he practices what he preaches. My current is pretty open minded, but also has a lot of anxiety and can be insecure, and hold a lot in. On the other hand, our lifestyle is very non-traditional in a lot of ways, so I'm not really sure how he will take this news, and if he will be honest with me. I am absolutely terrified to "come out" to him and I have no idea when a good time to do so would be.

This is very new territory for me. If nothing else, it feels good to be able to "say" this all out loud. I have felt like I have a huge secret that I can't tell anyone for a long time. It is definitely a good feeling to know I am not alone in all this.
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:33 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Soundwave View Post
Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. I guess one thing that I am noticing as I read more of these forums is that I have yet to find someone in a similar situation as me. That's not to say I think I'm special or anything, and I know everyone's situation is different, but it seems that a common route to poly is having one partner, then falling in love with another one. This did happen to me, but I didn't know enough to understand what it was, and I did what everyone else thought I should do (leave for the new guy) instead of what I really wanted to do.
I did this quite a bit in my late teens/early 20s. There are a couple of relationships that I left that still kinda sting to think about.

We call this serial monogamy, so you might try searching for that.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 06-21-2011 at 08:34 PM. Reason: serial monogamy
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  #6  
Old 06-22-2011, 02:01 AM
Soundwave Soundwave is offline
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I looked up serial monogamy. I guess that does describe me. Like I said, I've had three boyfriends, all one after another. The things is though, I was never looking for other people, I just happened to meet them and develop feelings. I remember always thinking "my heart is just too big" to myself when I was feeling sad about an ex boyfriend. Also, with the first boyfriend, while he'll always have a place in my heart, I don't feel any sort of love for him anymore. I felt like it was right to leave him at the time that I did. With boyfriend 2 the love never faded. No matter how long we didn't see each other or talk, the feelings have remained. Leaving didn't feel right, but neither did staying. I wanted both and assumed I couldn't have it.

I've been reading and reading and reading, as suggested above, and it's certainly been very empowering to hear people's stories and learn about this. It's weird though, I don't necessarily feel like I am poly-amours. I was always happy with monogamy; I've certainly experienced jealousy in monogamous relationships; in general I FEEL monogamous. But I love two people. Not new relationships either, so it's not just the fresh excitement. I'm in love with people, and I feel like I will forever be unhappy unless I can spend time with both of them. I know poly comes in all types, but I have yet to read a situation like this. Guess I should keep reading!
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:53 PM
Soundwave Soundwave is offline
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Well, it’s a year later, but I finally did it. It feels good. It feels terrible. At least it’s over.

How did it go? Well… it went about as well as I thought it would. Since I posted this, I had brushed it under the rug and tried to ignore it again. But it feels too wrong to be so dishonest, to yourself, and the one you love. I’ve been reading about it a lot again lately and I decided that I wanted to come out with it. At the very least, he was calm; there was no freaking out. We both cried a lot. He said some of the suspected things: I’m not good enough for you, this is outrageous, where do we go from here, how can I go on, this is not normal etc. I just kept telling him that I loved him and didn’t want to lose him – which is true – and I know he believes me. The conversation lasted about two hours and then he made some jokes (a good sign) we went to the store, had dinner together, and cuddled while I fell asleep.

I feel relieved to not be hiding that anymore, and a little anxious about how today will go. I am at work and he hasn’t woken up yet. He has really bad anxiety and I know he will spend the day going over it in his head and feeling awful. But the truth is, he did that anyway, so perhaps the fact that we are actually talking now and I was honest will give him some relief once the initial shock fades.

So, to those who are thinking about “coming out” to your S.O. it is possible, even for a coward (I hate hurting people, but am realizing it’s a part of life) like me. Be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best!
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