Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-02-2009, 04:44 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Question establishing new relationships. UPDATE

Do you think it is fair to take the time to establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people?
If so how long do you think is a fair amount of time?

I am feeling insecure, and a little jelous in my new relationship. Its not that he is dating any other woman but the thought of it is bringing up these feelings. I am now wondering if i am asking him not to date any other woman because i want things to be established between us first or because of my own insecurity that he will find someone better?

Is it fair to expect him to not date other people when i have my long term partner and he is so far only dating me?

i don't get this with montianboy becuase with him I am very secure, but it took me a long time to get to that point.

I have the view that you should establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people, i think this is a sensible view but is it just my monogomous upbringinging kicking in and i want to keep that person to myself.

At the moment i am feeling jelous for the first time in a long while. My new relationship has got to be one of the most intense beginnings i have ever had and on an emotional level things have moved quicker than i would usually deem sensible (that does not mean that i would move things quicker in a practical way) just that there are some very intense feelings and a new relationship energy that is a tad overwhelming. However being caught up in all these feelings has brought up other feelings of self worth, insecurity, and also jelousy.

So I am intrested in other peoples opinions on this

Jools

Last edited by ladyjools; 11-04-2009 at 09:04 PM. Reason: update
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-02-2009, 05:03 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

This is a great question! I can't give any insight into it but I think it ties into the freedom of secondaries or thirds issue. How does a person in an committed relationship establish boundaries with a new person entering the relationship? Is it fair to ask the new person to slow down or not seek other relationships while you have another person already?
Thanks for this.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-02-2009 at 05:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-02-2009, 05:03 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

MONO u wrote exactly what i wanted to ask, i just couldn't find the words
thankyou

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-02-2009, 06:56 PM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Great question! I was pondering something similar, but will post a separate thread about it...

My first response is that I don't think poly is about "tit for tat", so to speak. Well, you have someone else, why can't I?

Of course, if a relationship has an indefinite arrangement of partner A is allowed to date others but not partner B, then I think there's something deeper going on that needs attention. (I'm thinking of a thread I read a couple days ago about this).

Relationships are organic and need time/space to grow and/or change. I think it's understandable and reasonable for all "limbs" of a relationship(s) to ask for time to adjust to a new member.

And it's natural/understandable to feel jealousy...

my two cents
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:06 PM
BigGuy's Avatar
BigGuy BigGuy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Central Illinois
Posts: 118
Default

It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-02-2009, 08:41 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.

He has agreed that introducing new people would be bad for us just now. Specifying an end date seems difficult because im not sure how long it will take for our relationship to establish to a level that we both feel secure enough,

i am having difficulty figuring out where my inner turmoil comes from because besides the time i was pregnant i have never felt jelousy to this extent before. I am not saying i don't feel jelous but it is not usually an emotion i feel to any great intensity. I am wondering what thought processes are making this emotion, all i can come up with is that i am insecure, i dont' feel like im worthy of his attention... however he has not given me any reason to feel like that it is just MY OWN insecuritys of not feeling good enough.

but
is it wrong for me to not want him to date anyone else if this is my issue, am i using the relationship being new as an excuse or is it a valid reason, thats the part i can't work out...
i dont' like being pinned down, told what i can and can't do, and i do not wish to do that to anyone else. I want all my partners to have the freedom that i do.

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-02-2009, 08:44 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
am i using the relationship being new as an excuse or is it a valid reason, Jools
Hats off for asking yourself the hard questions Ladyjools.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-03-2009, 03:02 AM
BigGuy's Avatar
BigGuy BigGuy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Central Illinois
Posts: 118
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
He has agreed that introducing new people would be bad for us just now. Specifying an end date seems difficult because im not sure how long it will take for our relationship to establish to a level that we both feel secure enough,
Relationships are about communication, negotiation, give and take. If he's agreeable, set an end date for 6 months from now. When that time is up, if you don't feel comfortable, then renegotiate for another 6 months, or some other time period you both can agree on. You're not forcing him to do anything. He is his own person and an equal partner in this relationship. If he makes the choice to not enter any new relationships, then that is *his* choice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
i dont' feel like im worthy of his attention...
Does the feeling match the actuality? Is he providing you with attention? If yes, then it follows that he feels you are worthy.

Many of our "unconscious" thoughts are really conditioned thoughts. Unconscious just means you don't actively think them. They're automatic. One technique to "recondition" the unconscious mind is to actively pause your thinking and then reflect if the thought matches the actuality. Some people silently yell stop and then tell the thought to go away, because it is not the truth. Keep at it long enough, and some people find the thought doesn't come around any more.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
I want all my partners to have the freedom that i do.
There is a difference between fairness and equality. They are not always the same.

Feelings, wants & desires are neither right or wrong. They just are. If you and he are able to come to an agreement within your relationship, then it is fair regardless of what that agreement is.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
insecurity, jealousy, new relationships, nre, second partner, third partner

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:28 AM.