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Old 06-15-2011, 02:04 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Default Privacy

So this seems to be the hot debate on several threads lately. Karma and I had a long talk about it the other night as well.

Can someone explain why privacy is such a huge issue? I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. I have no issue with Karma reading my e-mail or messages, nor do I have issue with people doing a backround check on me. I also don't care if Karma discusses me with other partners, as long as he fills me in on what was said.

I feel like I have nothing to hide so why should it be an issue?

Random person reading my mail-okay that's an issue. But not those I love and care about.

I am hoping someone can explain it to me. I feel that if someone has an issue with privacy then they have something to hide.

May not be the case, but I have no experience outside of that...which is why I am asking. I want to understand the otherside of it.
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Old 06-15-2011, 02:44 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I'm pretty back and forth on this issue.

Background checks don't really bother me, but maybe because growing up my dad had to get regular security clearances, which ment SERIOUS indepth, pretty invasive checks (including interviewing neighbors and friends). If you want to be a sports coach you have to be fingerprinted and have a background check done. I work in the finance industry and that requires a background check and fingerprints on file with the company and the goverment regulatory agency. The background checks the everyday person can do are so minor compared to what I have already gone through, it doesn't even phase me.

However, I don't like people using my computer, reading my e-mails or even seeing my favorites tab for websites. That just agitates me, don't touch my shit . I have checked my husbands texts and e-mails on occassion, usually when the phone is beeping away and he is asleep (one or two I don't bother, 5+ I get worried it is urgent so I check). This is how I found evidence that he was getting ready to cheat and had been having an online affairs. I don't feel right looking at his stuff, it feels like snooping. I don't even like looking at my kids stuff, but that is my JOB as a parent.
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Old 06-15-2011, 02:54 AM
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Maybe that's it...being an Army brat (mom and dad) as well as working in childcare I was always getting checked, interviewed, whatever. So maybe it just became part of me, I have nothing to hide so go ahead and check al you want. Hmmm something to think about.

I've even told Karma if he ever feels the desire, he can read my journal. Now that's not something I would share with everyone, but my husband? Yeah, no reason not to. I share everything with him and there's nothing I would write there that I wouldn't share with him anyway.

And I can even see where constant snooping is an issue.

But on the otherside of it, there wouldn't be snooping if the permission were there.

Karma had huge issue with me even using his phone while Cricket was hidden from me. Now we have a "Hey I'm gonna read your mail" agreement. I don't snoop, but I don't ask permission either. I let him know I am doing it. Keeping the honest, honest?

I just don't get where the otherside comes from.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:17 AM
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Even before Cricket came along, I had privacy issues. I think this comes primarily from the fact that I had NO privacy growing up - I wasn't allowed to lock or even close my bedroom door often, my mother would randomly pick up the upstairs phon ereciever when I was talking, ect. Now, I just don't like people getting into my private affairs and my stuff. It tooka long while for me to be comfortable with Mo reading my emails and using my phone even after I came clean with everything. Honestly it still bugs me at moments, but that is my problem, not hers - I don't have anything to hide from her, but it's a knee-jerk reaction. I still do my best to stay "off the grid" publically as much as I can, and the idea of a background search just pisses me off... unless you have a damn good reason, get the hell out of my past, it's none of your nosy business! I understand if I'm going to be watching your kids or something like that, but that's really the only time I'm OK with it. My prospective employer at a minimum wage crap-job does not need to know about my personal life.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:20 AM
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But what about someone you are dating babe. You meet random chick on OKC and you know nothing about her other than what has been said over a computer. No desire to see if she is really who she says she is?

Maybe I'm too paranoid. But I'm not going to take some random persons word for it.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:38 AM
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No, I'm not going to background check my prospective dating pool! Creepy much?
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Old 06-15-2011, 02:46 AM
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Default my two cents

I so agree. I also do not feel that I have anything to hide. I am completely anonymous here, but if someone really wanted to find my blog on here, they could. I occasionally mention to people that I participate on this forum and as much as I might like someone to say "I found your blog and it's interesting".....no on has ever felt the need to find it (until my ex lesbian partner -I'm calling her Brenda now- came here and started boo-hooing about how I used her name....OMG!!)

I think some of it is about insecurity and some paranoia. Maybe fear. There is such a prevalent idea that if you are not living your life a specific certain "acceptable" way- then......what??? you'll be persecuted???? burned as a witch???? I don't really know!!!

And the interesting thing is that she has chosen a very simple life- with not much to lose. I get that..... but what good does it do if the fear of losing everything is still so overwhelming.

Interesting topic. When I start worrying about my privacy- I have to remind myself....."nobody cares!!!" they are too busy worrying about their own life!!!
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Old 06-15-2011, 01:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
.........
Can someone explain why privacy is such a huge issue?
Hey Mohegan,

Well one common thing, but certainly not the only, is the power/control element.
The more anyone knows about you, the more potential control/power they have over you. Think blackmail although there's much more potential in much more subtle things than that.
But depending on someones life - professional, social, political etc, you really develop a "need' for feeling security of privacy. And there is variation even within relationships on how much we trust a person's wisdom and good judgement. No matter how much we 'love' them !
This is often more a concern if we are networking or in relationship a lot with people who live by your model of open book / nothing to hide. In general, people like that develop patterns of .........yapping....about anything and everything that has conversational value. There's times we just don't want or can't tolerate our private lives flown like a flag.

Make sense ?

GS
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:17 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Can someone explain why privacy is such a huge issue? I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide.
It has nothing to do with having anything to hide. It has everything to do with violation of others and respect for individual choice.

Intimacy is the solo act of a person to share with another person some information or behavior that would not be shared with most (or all) other people. Intimacy relies wholly on personal choice to do the sharing. Indeed, in those instances where a coerced or forced version of intimacy occurs, the person forcing/coercing the issue makes a victim of the other. The most extreme example, of course, involves rape--forced sexual intimacy. Other examples include blackmail and the like.

Note that those instances are all deemed criminal. Now, why is it that when somebody forces intimacy in the form of snooping through a partner's private materials that it suddenly becomes acceptable? The partner still had no choice in the matter and the perp did nothing more than force an intimacy that wasn't freely shared.

I don't find a moral difference between the two. If you snoop, you violate the other person's inherent right of control over how, when, and with whom they choose to be intimate. There is *nothing* that gives a person any right or moral authority to do that to another competent adult.

I respect other people, so I've no interest in forcing any intimacy. I also expect the same respect for my right to share as I choose. As I wouldn't want to share any intimacy that wasn't freely given, I have no interest in being involved in any fashion with somebody given to forcing intimacy on me or others.

Homey don't play them games.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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My ex and I used all the same passwords for his emails and mine, shared bank accounts, etc., and never hid anything from each other. However, we never went into each other's stuff without asking first. After 10+ years, I still don't know what's in his box of stuff that's still in my closet. Even with my permission, he would not go into my handbag to get something. I never once looked through his wallet or drawers. We chose to trust each other and respect each other's privacy. We lived here in my tiny apartment, and had to give each other space or it would feel like we had no autonomy. For a long time, he would get up earlier than I did and meditate in the living room. Once I had a job that I had to get up earlier for, and he felt that was a real invasion when he didn't have his mornings to himself anymore.

Truth is, I've never been a snooper in any relationship. I think I'm a good judge of character, and if I get burned, it's more because I wasn't observant enough in our communications. People need privacy. I guess some need more than others, but that is one reason why I see no appeal in a poly tribe all cohabiting - I like alone time and space to be myself, without people feeling like they can just insinuate themselves inside my boundaries without permission.

Maybe my living in a large city also has something to do with it. Personal space means a lot when you're always surrounded by other people. I admit, though, it would be harder not to want to snoop if I were burned by cheating or theft. Still, I couldn't go snooping without feeling guilty about it or like I was crossing a line that is there for a reason.

As for the background check issue, I don't know - that seems a bit different to me. I am still getting used to online dating and the whole thing still scares me to some extent. On one hand, I understand why women would want some sense of security but I don't know that a background check can really filter out potential serial killers. And it's usually all public information. But on the other hand, there are other ways to feel secure. Hopefully by the time I've learned someone's full name, I've gotten a sense of him. Burnsy and I have been communicating for a month now and he still does not know my last name. We've got this great connection going, but of course I've googled him, and I will still meet him in a public place (before I bring him home and have my way with him).

Maybe the guys who balk at background checks perhaps cannot relate to how much safety is such a big issue for women all the time. I was recently contacted by a guy on OKC who lives about an hour outside of the city and he complained that women in the city never want to go where he is to meet. There is no way, until I get to know someone, that I will travel out of my local area to meet them. Guys seem to forget how much safety is an everyday issue for women, and meeting people online is such a gamble that it is only common sense not to venture out of familiar territory until there is a sense of knowing that person and feeling secure. Hell, I won't even go to Brooklyn until I know and trust someone. Like I said in the other thread, a woman I used to work with told me she background checks every potential date she meets. I've never done it, don't know if I could, but I understand it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-15-2011 at 04:15 PM.
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