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Old 06-14-2011, 02:46 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Default Do we have the right?

Ok, LT met a guy a couple weeks ago. They hit it off, and she was scared to ask him out. So, I stepped in and spoke to him about it. I told him that she liked him and all. He said the feeling was mutual. Soooo...I put it back into her hands. She asked him out. Well, throughout the conversations, it came out that he had been arrested in the past, and was currently about to get off probation. Well, I have been too, so it was no big deal to LT. But it certainly perked up MY ears. LT and I both went out with him for their first "date". We explained our relationship dynamic to him, and explained that all we desired was for him to be honest with us. He said no problem, and all was fine. LT eventually asked him WHAT he had been arrested for. He said it was "because of child support".

Ok....So, here comes the question: Do WE have the right to do a background check on him?

I'll say this: We already DID do one, and he was not completely honest with us.

He got upset that we would do one on him. I'm PISSED because he lied to my wife and I. I told her to cut it off with him because if he lied about THIS, what else would he lie about???

Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support.

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?
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Old 06-14-2011, 03:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?
Yup..no doubts about it. If I was on my own it might be different but my choices affect others. The guy may have been terribly embarrassed and there is no reason to think he can't change..anyone can. That being said he has no right to get pissed. Same thing goes for getting caught doing something wrong by a snoopy partner. If you do something shitty and you get caught, suck it up and prove your trustworthiness..don't just expect it.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:54 AM
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I've met lots of women who just automatically do a background check on new guys before they date them, just blanket-across-the-board with every potential date as a regular first step. You don't need any reason first.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:58 AM
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It would never occur to me to do a background check. This might be a cultural difference...but...the idea of doing a background check on a potential partner just sounds like the weirdest thing ever.

I have no capacity to understand under what circumstances I would ever feel that to be ok...

So, my answer is No. I would never do a background check. I would view that as a massive invasion of privacy.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:28 AM
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I don't see it any different than asking for proof of STD testing, it's just smart, after all this is someone you just met. If I'm not mistaken, prison records are public record and it doesn't take much to find out the truth. I suppose it would be different if this was someone you had known for years and then all of a sudden ran a check.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:30 AM
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Just to clarify..I wouldn't check out everyone. But this guy gave a reason to look into his history.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:57 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
than asking for proof of STD testing
But there wasn't any asking...the check was done behind his back. Or have I misunderstood ? Were you honest with him about your intention to do a background check ? Or did you keep that from him ?

I'm going to bow out of this discussion - because I think there's a strong cultural thing happening. It would be completely unacceptable here. But it seems more common there. So, I can't add much...other than illustrate that some people would find it unacceptable, therefore I feel the fact this guy is pissed off, is a fair response...one that would be shared by at least a reasonable portion of the population.

Of course, feeling like you've been lied to is also a sound reason to feel pissed off.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:11 AM
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I don't see anyting wrong with it. Especialy cuz that story would have sounded off to me to begin with. I did one on Karma's dad before I gave him his contact info, when I found him. I didn't want Karma trying to start a relationship with him without knowing his history. I don't see anything different with a romantic relationship.

And you're right, if he'll lie about that, what else is he going to lie about. Like SN said, what's the difference between that and an STD test. Someone can say they are clean, but how do you know for sure.

It's sad that that is how it has come to be, but better safe than sadly surprised.
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Old 06-14-2011, 07:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support.

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?
Yes. I work in an industry where a felony ends a career. I have to be clean, sober and a law-abiding citizen. I expect the same from my partners.

While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake." If the felonies were violent, if they were stealing others' money, if they were crimes against children or the elderly.... that says a lot about a person.

Yes, even people on parole need love. BUT... in the beginning of a relationship, honesty is more important than saving face.


(and yes, this is an American thing.--it is far more common that someone has been arrested/has been in prison here. According to a Huffington Post article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/0..._n_744222.html---Currently more than one in 100 Americans is in prison, the report says, as the total incarcerated population, at 2.3 million, is by the far the world's largest. The U.S. prison population, in fact, is larger than that of the top 35 European countries combined. What's more, the U.S. spends about $50 billion annually to maintain this system.)
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Old 06-14-2011, 07:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post
While there may be a good explanation, if someone has been arrested--- you can learn a lot by how they explain that "mistake."
Just getting arrested isn't bad. One can get arrested for protesting a tree being cut down, for example. One can get arrested for a misdemeanor, and the charges dismissed.

If someone's been convicted now that's more of an issue. And of course, the severity of the charges. But just because someone was convicted and did time for something like theft, or whatnot, doesn't mean they will always be a thief or cannot reform.

I agree that they should be honest upfront, and not get bent out of shape over a background check.
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