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  #1  
Old 06-10-2011, 10:41 PM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Default Exploratory Questions

I’ve got a few questions (see my Introduction post and “Baby Steppin’” thread in the Life Stories and Blogs section for more background on my/our situation):

1. I had originally thought that I’d prefer to get involved with a single man who didn’t necessarily define himself as poly. My logic was this, single guys (with no intensions or desire for marriage) would probably be more than happy to have a gf that’s happily married and entrenched in her life. He could spend time with me but still have his full life without the fear of being “tied down”. I’d make it clear that he could, and I’d encourage this, have other girlfriends and sexual relationships. This would allow me to have a buffer against dependency. I guess I was thinking kind of a FWB although a bit deeper.

The problem with this is that I am a student and I have a small circle of friends. I imagined that I would get involved with another student because they are the people I associate with regularly and because they would understand my limited availability. BUT, I am afraid (there’s that word again) that if I approached one of them and told them about this poly thing they may flip out and spread it around. My reputation is extremely important to me and I am closely associated with some of my professors who I hope to do research with and be seen as a competent and professional. It’s a small department and we all see each other very often; it would be hard to cover up a relationship and if it went badly it has the potential to go very badly. The ripple affect could destroy what I’ve carefully crafted for myself.

So, for those of you who have some experience, what are your thoughts and what do you recommend- trying to find a poly person or a someone as described above, or a third option that I can’t see? What red flags fly when you read this? Thanks much!

2. Rider and I have talked about trying to sync up our first poly experiences with one another so that neither one of us has to sit at home suffering while the other goes out those and experiences all of those “firsts”. I really like this idea in theory. I’m wondering if it may be a bad idea though because if both of us are in NRE at the same time and/or struggling with negative reactions about each other’s experiences don’t we run the risk of actually pulling apart? Also, we have teenagers and one of them is very intuitive. I’m concerned that that child will clue into the drama and time spent away and that it will make them very uneasy. Rider can correct me here if he disagrees but I think I speak for both of us when I say that his and my relationship is our priority and our children are our second. How have others handled this and how has it worked out?
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Old 06-11-2011, 04:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Here's my initial feedback: There really is no predicting how things are going to go.

You can say to yourself that you'll only seek out a certain type of person and you wind up with someone else who is completely different than you anticipated or hoped for.

That being said, it's still perfectly valid to pursue the kinds of people and situations you are comfortable with, until you get your land legs, so to speak. I know I don't necessarily seek out people who are immersed in poly or part of the poly community where I live, simply because I'm not that crazy about the men I've met there. Slim pickins'. What I am discovering is that there are plenty of "non-poly" people who have lived polyamorously and are open to it but just never heard of the word. The label isn't important, anyway. In fact, I've had my online dating profile up since last Fall, and have only now added the word "polyamorous" to it.

I also was really intimidated at first (I'm new to this, since this past October) by the idea of being involved with someone who is married. It isn't until now that I am embarking on a relationship with a married poly guy whose wife has a lover and has welcomed me in emails!! I wasn't seeking that out, and was perfectly content to continue looking for single guys. This is such a wild ride for me, I don't think I could have been comfortable in this dynamic before, now that I have experienced being involved with more than one guy after my separation. Baby steps are fine -- but leave room for the unexpected to happen!

And just a caution for you: don't expect all things to always be equal between your and your husband. You are two individuals with separate needs and energies. One of you might have a potential opportunity wa-a-ay before the other one. I would say, that could be a very good thing that would help you both get used to the idea of one of you having a second relationship before the other does. That euphoria that polyfolk call NRE hitting two of you at once might be more difficult to manage. But maybe you both can handle it - the thing is, like I said earlier... there's no predicting!

Set goals, allow for preferences, but know that you both might have to toss it all up in the air and go with the flow of what life brings you at some point, and surrender to some surprises along the way.

Good luck and welcome!
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Old 06-11-2011, 12:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunBabyRun View Post
..........

1. I had originally thought that I’d prefer to get involved with a single man who didn’t necessarily define himself as poly. My logic was this, single guys (with no intensions or desire for marriage) would probably be more than happy to have a gf that’s happily married and entrenched in her life. He could spend time with me but still have his full life without the fear of being “tied down”. I’d make it clear that he could, and I’d encourage this, have other girlfriends and sexual relationships. This would allow me to have a buffer against dependency. I guess I was thinking kind of a FWB although a bit deeper.
Maybe it's just me - but I feel your thinking is bass-ackwards.

Someone who already is in some relationship is less likely to develop dependence. And to be too needy. They already have stuff they are balancing in their lives.
A single person may not have this and you may become priority one. Which doesn't sound like what you want ?

GS
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:04 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Maybe it's just me - but I feel your thinking is bass-ackwards.
Agreed. There are rewards for being with someone who is single but there is also a potential cost depending on the person and what you are looking for.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:38 AM
RunBabyRun RunBabyRun is offline
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Default Thank you

Thank you all for your comments. Rider and I have poured over and discussed all the advice and comments made which address our questions and concerns. In reading these comments again I realize that I'm thinking from a place of fear in some ways; I'm trying too hard to manufacture "the perfect situation". I need to just relax and let whoever comes, come and to relax about the timing too. This is not some mail order bride situation and I need to stop trying to figure every little thing out before I/we take the plunge. Thanks again.
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married, heterosexual female currently in a newly opened relationship; married to IDRider47

"Courage is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm" Winston Churchill

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are made for" William Shedd
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Old 06-13-2011, 06:12 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I have nothing to add from a relationship stand point....however I would use extreme caution with the kids. I personally think they will end up finding out one way or the other and so will others so keep that in mind. you didn't say how old...13 or 19 huge spread and huge difference. I think younger kids 5 -7 and perhaps older would be better....but the older is just speculation on my part. My kids are under 13.....oldest is a girl. Gender could play a role too but again have no way of knowing......as a coach for some of my kids teams I see wide differences in how each gender reacts to same issues. I guess what Im saying is if you have older boy it may not be that big of a deal. Younger girls......that I can say with confidence has the potential to be a very big deal.
Good luck D
Ps don't use texted or emails that you wouldnt mind your mother reading
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:17 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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If you have teenagers you might want to have some discussions with them about non-traditional relationships to get an idea of their thoughts on the subject. Once you know where they stand it may be easier to gauge how much fallout there might be when you tell them or they find out by chance. (By the way I don't have teenagers so this is purely speculation).

As for the wanting to start new relationships at the same time it's an awful lot of emotion to go through all at once. In theory it sounds like a good idea but if you think about it do you really want to be processing jealousy at the same time as you're supposed to be enjoying your NRE?
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