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Old 10-28-2009, 09:52 PM
violet violet is offline
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Default Triad Equality

I made the decision to cut the first post - and request that if the mods want, to delete this thread. I'd seen plenty of rants on here, and that's all this was. A vent of frustration. Things have been worked out, and this thread really isn't relevant unless we want it around for the sake of someone else having a similar situation.

Thanks to everyone for your input, whether it was applied or not!
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Last edited by violet; 11-01-2009 at 07:13 AM.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:01 PM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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I dont think you would have to remove your wedding ring. That Commitment you made ( or will make) Is still a commitment you made to him. I still wear my wedding rings. I HAVE made that Commitment to my Husband AND my children when we got married.

I think equality is what works for all of you. Or what works best generally. It isnt as easy as Half this or half that. Or If she gets this you get this.
I dont have time to finish this..Gotta get my kiddos to school.. But I will come back!
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:02 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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For starters, try replacing the word "equal" with "fair" or the phrase "equal opportunity to have their needs met in the relationship" and then go through those things again with the new phrase. Equal doesn't have to mean "same".

If you don't want kids, but Anne does want kids, what's the issue? If they like to kiss at a red light and you like to hold hands, what is the conflict? Is equality about keeping score or about making sure everyone has the same level of security with where they are in the relationship?
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:11 PM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Sorry to Me.. fair and Equal Are two different things.
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I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:17 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
Sorry to Me.. fair and Equal Are two different things.
Well, that's kind of my point. Perhaps fairness is what they should be striving for and not equality.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:19 PM
violet violet is offline
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I think my point with over-emphasizing the "equality" got missed a little. The kids thing was just a way of illustrating how freaking retarded this has gotten. FAIRNESS is more what I'm going for.

But that still begs the question - no matter how I feel, is it FAIR for me to be married to HMA, and Anne to not be? But, is it fair that I should have to go against a core value, and remove my wedding ring so that everyone feels as though they're being treated fairly?

It goes with any question.

...and I'm with Sunshine Girl. Fair and equal are different.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:23 PM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Perhaps a Balance is what you striving for. Things should be balanced. That all involed should have balance. I don't think that Things like taking off wedding rings.. A rg is a sign of commitment. Sure its fair for you to be married... You and HMA made the Choice to make that Commitment. Should you decide to make a simmilar/equivelant commitment to Anne in the future then Perhaps you can wear another ring or item to signify that? Seems fair to me.
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I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~

Last edited by Sunshinegrl; 10-28-2009 at 11:53 PM. Reason: spelling and punctuation
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Old 10-30-2009, 01:38 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violet View Post
Triad Equality

<snip>

(As far as the Anne ready to commit, there's been some talk about opening the relationship. Anne wants to fuck other guys. Not add them to the relationship, just have FWB. But she doesn't really want HMA to see other women, or me to do so either. She said maybe she'd be okay with it if HMA let her fuck other men, but SHE was the one at the beginning who said she wanted it to be a closed relationship. Despite that she was still seeing someone who had NO idea about us, and even after she told us she was breaking it off with him, knowing full well we were uncomfortable with her fucking other people Ė and knowing we weren't allowed that freedom, she flew to Cali and fucked him. Thanks, Anne. I'm still miffed. So there's been some talk about giving her what she needs and letting her spread her wings Ė but because of what all three of us, not just HMA and I, want out of a relationship, letting her do so and instead of her being equal, have her be secondary for a while until she's ready and done her thing. So yeah.)
This was added to the original post yesterday. Maybe it will answer some of that For you.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
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  #9  
Old 10-30-2009, 01:44 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
This was added to the original post yesterday. Maybe it will answer some of that For you.
No it doesn't because that is somebody speaking *for* Anne from their perspective and understanding, not Anne's. Anne's actual perspective and point of view has yet to be seen on this board.

Not saying whether it's right or wrong or anything. Just acknowledging that the boards do not give a complete picture.
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  #10  
Old 10-30-2009, 01:49 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
This was added to the original post yesterday. Maybe it will answer some of that For you.
Thanks for that snippet, Sunshine Girl. I think we are possibly seeing a case of people not being at the same stage of poly exploration. I see this at our meetings; people just discovering poly, defining it for themselves, learning what they really want. Others have more experience, explored more and have a clearer picture of what they want. I think Anne is a little behind in her exploration and needs time to evaluate what it is she exactly wants from the relationship. It may be a case of I want total freedom with others (such as fwb) but total security with others (her triad).
Hopefully she is not viewing the triad as a safety blanket to run to when there is no fwb or casual aquaintences to occupy her.

Then again, I might be full of shit Only Anne knows.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-30-2009 at 02:01 AM.
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