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Old 06-05-2011, 05:10 AM
thr33scompany thr33scompany is offline
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Post Uncommon Situation.....I think...

(I am new to this site and fairly new to this in general so if I posted under the wrong Discussion Title I am sorry)
To start off I am a Lesbian, my partner is Bi, and her husband is straight. I think I have heard of it described as a V relationship? I guess I am posting this because I am looking for a little insight, maybe someone who has had something similar go on. So this is it. My partner was married to her husband when I met her, but they were planning a divorce, he wasn't living with her or anything. They have two children together, and have been married for about 15 years. I have been with my partner for a little over 3 years. While her and I were dating within the first year of our relationship husband lost his job, and due to not having any family moved in with partner. I was not living with her, but was there so much I might as well have been. They were working things out as friends and he was totally aware of what was going on between her and I. We all eneded up getting along as friends, and so after about a 1yr, finances were tight and it seemed to work out well for us to pull together and live in the same house. Husband had his own bedroom. Soon enough husband got back on his feet and moved to his own place. Both my partner and I are very sexual people and enjoy experimenting. She has always found it to be very difficult to be sexual with only one person. These are things we talked about right up front from the time we started dating. I am not interested in sex with men and as far as women go I really am not interested in anyone but her. We came to the agreement that it was ok for her to be with other men, but we had to agree on who they were. Things were going well for a while she would see people here and there and we would have our fun with them. Things just didnt really work out long term with anyone we were with mainly because of our concern for the children, and others having a difficult time with us putting the children first. However we really both enjoyed the company of another person in and out of the bedroom. We came to the conclusion that if we wanted someone there long term husband would really be perfect. He frequently asked her to try and work things out with him, but she could never really decided between the two of us. Being in love with me, but also having a great emotional attachment to him, and a bond due to the children and the amout of time they had been together. However it goes without saying that there was a reason for them originally wanting a divorce. He wasnt always the kind of husband that was there for his family is the best way I can put it.
We started things out between the 3 of us very slow. he would stay over our house on weekends, and the kids thought nothing of it, sometimes he would stay in our bed or other times go out to the couch. We were all really happy, he said he wanted to try again and work things out with the 3 of us. We all have always enjoyed each others company. He seemed to be making very serious changed to spend time with our children and take care of his responsibilities. We spent months about talking about him moving in with us and just sharing one bedroom, and finally we did. We had our ups and downs over time but things were working out really well. I left town about 6 months ago to finish up school, which has been the plan all along. Now it seems things have really changed over the past 4 months. He is not handeling his share of the house work, or spending time with the kids, he is leaving for work and hour early. Partner was under the impression he was seeing someone at his work. She asked and he said no, but wont say why he is leaving early. She felt that maybe he was depressed so she took him out to get away from the stress and I guess the night was a disaster, he was hitting on other women and so much so that they had to ask security to ask him to stop. (the 3 of us agree to only be with each other).He is threatinging to leave our house but when we ask him why, he doesnt have an answer. I am very concerened. My partner is hurting very badly and has been calling me crying. I can't stand to see her like this....I care for him to, but unlike her I am not in love with him, and I don't believe you should stay with someone if they are intentionally hurting you even if its emotionally. Another thought I have which I hate to have is that he is only using us because we are more finachially well off than him...agreed to this before because he knew he wouldnt have to pay for anything, and just used us to save up money. I feel really bad thinking that. All I want is for my partner to be happy, I am a believer that marriages have good times and bad times and that you have to stick out even the bad times. I am trying to be supportive of them and there realtionship, but I am lost as to what direction to take. I badly want things to work out between the three of us. Husband is an important part of this realtionship, he is my friend too. At the same time, there is more to this relationship than sex. My partner goes to school full time and works full time. Husband is supposed to just go to his work and take care of the children, who are not very young so its not like he is with infants 24-7. My partner is seriously going to have to quit her job, to be able to manage the house hold if he can't. We have even considered that maybe he is very depressed and that is why he is letting these things fall at the waste side. If its that she can quit her job to help him, but it just doesnt seem like thats it. Partner wants to ask him to leave, but I think its too soon to call it quits its only been 4 months, and the same time I realize that the hurt and stress fall on her, because I am not there right now. What direction do I lean towards? Encourage her to try and work things out with him? Or just support her with asking himm to go? I feel like if she asked him to go ultimately she would regret it, but at the same time I am having a hard time thinking of reasons that he should stay, especially if he is unhappy and threatining to leave, all I can think is maybe he is doing this cause he knows we will want him to go, and than he is the good guy that got kicked out, not the bad guy that left.....Please anyone with insight? Thoughts? Or a married person, maybe this just happens in marriage and in a few months he will be back to normal?
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:24 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hello and welcome, Threesacompany! Our mods will move your post promptly to the New to Polyamory, where it belongs. Also, in further posts, please use more spacing - I kept falling of the line I was supposed to be reading because there was so little visual direction.

From a quick read it seems that your partner's ex seems to enjoy the financial, emotional and sexual benefits of being together with you but is uninterested in holding his end of the bargain. Without you there, he and your partner have fallen into the same pattern that lead their previous relationship to divorce.

Why do you think that these two can't continue to work on their relationship from different addresses? And is it really impossible to secure quality childcare in your area so that your partner can continue to work and study?

Being that it is your partner who is in a relationship with him, it is her house they are living in and it is she who has to face the day-to-day drill of living with him, I can't see really no other way for you than to support her in asking him to leave. The two of you can be friends without him living there, right?
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:24 PM
thr33scompany thr33scompany is offline
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Thank you for your help!

I see what you are saying. It's not that childcare isnt avaliable, however our daughter is 14 and can handel many things on her own its not that she needs to have someone "take care" of her. Our son is 10 and is an amputee, so childcare where we live is hard to find for him. We are just asking Husband to do basic things like cook dinner and ask them about thier day. Have them do chours and such. He sleeps instead all day. When the kids are in school, he only has about 3 hours with them a day, until my partner is home for the night. He also has alot of time to do things on his own when needed while they are in school.

My partner is gone almost 13 hours a day right now including weekends, so we just want the kids to have interaction with an adult, and someone to be there when they get home. The last two hours of thier night is spent with partner right now, but she gets frustrated, becasue nothing in the house gets done and so she feels like she is spending that time cleaning rather than being with the kids. When the cleaning can be done during the day by the kids and husband. It really isnt musch to do between Husband and two kids.

Its important to us either way that there father is a part of their lives, and lately it seems that he is almost trying not to be. I was different when I was home, because I do admit I really picked up the slack, only working 6 hours a day. I also spent a great deal of time with the kids, but even than it seemed that Husband wanted to be a part of what we were doing or helping with the house. Now it seems that he just can't be bothered. I just dont see how me being there made any difference in him spending time with them?

Yes right now it is just the two of them living together. I am moving back in September, the house is both parrtners and mine we are the home owners. I suppose your right if he moved out we could continue the relationship, however I guess that has to be sorted out between the two of them, and I will just continue to be supportive of whatever my partner wants to do. I just hate to see them not workout. I know not living together will be difficult on all of us.
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Old 06-05-2011, 07:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I will move your thread, but could you please go back and put paragraphs in? Its really hard to read... thanks.
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