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Old 06-02-2011, 05:15 AM
muse4 muse4 is offline
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Unhappy heartbroken and in need of advice/help

Hello all,

I am new to polyamory (recently divorced) and have been dating a poly man for a little over 4 months. Before the relationship began he was very open --I asked a lot of questions, read about poly relationships (including this site)-- and he did a remarkable job (I thought) answering my questions and explaining the challenges and rewards of loving more than one person He has been poly for 20+ years.).

We both enjoyed the process and each other and decided to begin dating. We discovered that we are both kinksters and have compatible (high) sex drives and that seemed like a big bonus. This was looking like a LTR, which is what he said he wanted. We seemed to be developing an intellectual, emotional and even spiritual intimacy that felt very genuine.

I met his wife, had family dinner with her and his 8 yr old sons. I thought I was doing pretty well with all of it. He always talks about the importance of open communication, honesty, and ethics. He seemed to "walk the talk" and often checked in with me about my feelings of emotional safety.

Pretty awesome, I thought.

I've been very open with him about dating other men--unlike him, I do not have a primary relationship and would like to have one. When he seemed uneasy about my dating a couple of months ago, I initiated a conversation about how we wanted to handle this. Did we want a "don't ask don't tell" sort of policy--complete openness or something in between. The conversation didn't go anywhere, however. He seemed reluctant to state his needs about this. I continued to be open about what I was doing.

Fast forward to yesterday when I stumbled across a series of very graphic postings he made on a Kink social networking site a little over a week ago. One was an "ad" of sorts soliciting women who wanted to receive oral sex. After describing his masterful expertise, he ended by urging interested women to contact him to see if they might "have some fun" together.

It was very graphic and I was shocked and hurt. This is a side of him that he kept completely hidden.It seemed contrary to everything he has said to me about what this lifestyle means to him and how he feels about me ("falling even more deeply in love") and what he is looking for in his relationships.

(I'm not a prude or easily shocked. It would feel entirely differently if we had established the relationship as a sexual one only, no strings, etc.)

I feel as though I've been run over by the proverbial "truck." Betrayed comes close to what I'm feeling along with profound sadness. He claims that this goes with being poly. If it does, then I missed something important before I started dating him. I lost it last night--crying--feeling incredible pain.

I don't know what to think--did I misunderstand? misread? I felt so brave stepping into a world so different than the monogamous one I've inhabited for the past 35 years--brave to let myself feel love for this man. Now I feel like a fool. I went through my day today in a state of shock--I feel lifeless, zombie-like. I don't know what to do. Is this really par for the course in polyamory?

-Muse
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  #2  
Old 06-02-2011, 06:45 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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no, not par for the course... maybe his kind of poly is this kind... it seems that he likes you and want to be with you, but also wants to lick pussy as a fun pass time, because, well, he likes licking pussy.

I'm sorry you believe you were deceived. If doesn't seem he was very up front with you about his kinks, but did say something about his lifestyle being important to him... the fact is that you now have to decide if you are okay with his lifestyle. You don't have to be and shouldn't force yourself to be, but getting to the bottom of what you are feeling and giving it some time to sink in I think may be a good idea. Then a good talk that is completely honest and up front before carrying on might help after you figure out where you stand.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:33 PM
Hopeful Hopeful is offline
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Is it the overtly sexual nature of this that you find shocking? And - intensely personal question incoming, feel free to not answer - has he ever shared this particular kink with you personally, and is it the kind of thing you'd be down with?

As my husband and I have explored our poly natures together, we have discovered aspects of one another's sexuality that we hadn't discussed previously because we were afraid that sharing them would either make the other feel uncomfortable or inadequate in some way. So while he knew that I had bi tendencies, he had worked very hard to not display his overtly because he was scared that I would somehow see him as less manly (gotta love that cultural lie that bisexual women are always epic and awesome, but bisexual men are always effeminate).

When he finally "manned up" and told me about his experiences with men, I was thrilled, both because I'm always an advocate of honesty and because it opened a door for things I had always wanted to ask for but hadn't for fear of making HIM feel inadequate. But I was also hurt, because some of those experiences happened while we were dating/living together (but stopped when we got married).

Finally though, through reading this site and lots of communication with the husband, I realized that he hadn't told me because he thought he was doing something that would horrify me. Men in happy committed heterosexual relationships just don't kiss other men - you know, in the "real world." We've talked about it a lot, and at this point I am excited at the idea that he now has the freedom to be who he is, while still being my wonderful loving husband.

If this is the first you're hearing about his oral thing, I'd have to ask myself why. It may be that the random quality of finding women online is what does it for him, which frankly could be problematic for me and my lifestyle and would require a lot of discussion for me to be comfortable with. It may be, though, that he's concerned that telling you about his "kink" will put you off, like my husband was. Either way, further discussion seems called for! Good luck with this!
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:00 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
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Is it the overtly sexual nature of this that you find shocking? And - intensely personal question incoming, feel free to not answer - has he ever shared this particular kink with you personally, and is it the kind of thing you'd be down with?


Not at all. I knew he loved giving oral sex and this has been a huge part of the relationship. We have talked alot about our preferences and have explored a lot together. We both have our Kink and our Kink seems to mesh quite nicely. Again --this is why it was so shocking to see his post. We talk about everything--except this.
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
We talk about everything--except this.
Well, it sounds like you have more talking to do no biggy, this will be the case throughout I would suspect, at least to me, it should be! It might take some getting used to, all the communicating, but hey, that's healthy... I would wonder still though if perhaps this has crossed a line and is something that you will be unable to handle for the long run. If it is, then I suggest considering cutting your loses and moving on... for you sake and his.
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Old 06-03-2011, 11:11 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I have to say that regardless of whether or not you talked about it previously, he needed to tell you that this was something he planned on doing. Why? Because every time he engages someone else sexually, he is also risking your health.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be able to trust someone who had done this. Don't get me wrong, it's not because of what he wants or that he's posting online or any of that. It's because he didn't allow me the chance to accept or reject the risk he's taking with my health.
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Old 06-04-2011, 09:00 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
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Default It's better--here's an update

You've all been wonderful. Thank you for your responses--you really helped me sort through what I was upset about which boils down to trust, consent, and safety (health.) In fact, you were so helpful, he and I were able to have a very long talk Thursday evening that led to a deeper level of understanding, emotional risk-taking, and intimacy. It wasn't easy but we both came away feeling like we had been heard and a sense of mutual admiration. We're both uneasy about moving forward and understand there's more to talk about.

Turns out that his initial response to me was more of a defensive maneuver. Thursday evening he admitted that he's been having trouble with the fact that I've been seeing other people (I use safe sex practices, btw), he's been jealous and doesn't like to see himself that way. Instead of talking it out with me (because he didn't want to admit the jealousy to himself or me) he sought to "even the score" so to speak and releasing some anger by posting on the kink site. (It takes a hell of a lot to admit that and I love him for it.)

Because I talk about platonic male friends and penpals in addition to people I'm dating, he imagined I was seeing more people than I really am! I was happy to have the chance to clear that up for him. He did come across as judgmental about a few things however, and he seems to have some residual anger, so that is a concern.

A well-timed appointment with my therapist Freud also helped me figure out why I was so upset. It was a D/s scene that my boyfriend and I had over last weekend, we ventured into new territory for us... we didn't pay enough attention to "aftercare" and I felt more exposed, vulnerable, and less contained than I usually am.

I'm coming away from this with a great deal more self knowledge and a better understanding of what I need to do and ask for to feel safe in both the poly world and in D/s play. There are so many layers of deep psychological significance for both of us in what happened, all I can say is Wow! Isn't being human an amazingly messy and exciting trip?!!!

Not sure what will happen with us but I do know that I really admire him and don't regret anything.

-Muse
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Old 06-02-2011, 05:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
It was very graphic and I was shocked and hurt. This is a side of him that he kept completely hidden.It seemed contrary to everything he has said to me about what this lifestyle means to him and how he feels about me ("falling even more deeply in love") and what he is looking for in his relationships.

<snip>

I don't know what to think--did I misunderstand? misread? I felt so brave stepping into a world so different than the monogamous one I've inhabited for the past 35 years--brave to let myself feel love for this man. Now I feel like a fool. I went through my day today in a state of shock--I feel lifeless, zombie-like. I don't know what to do. Is this really par for the course in polyamory?
OK, so he does poly relationships and also casual sex (meaning also open relationships). Had he ever told you that he was polyfidelitous--that he wouldn't be having sex with anybody he wasn't involved with? If he hadn't, then why would you feel betrayed?

Yeah, he spoke to you of polyamory because he's interested in being romantically involved with you. Why would he also speak of casual sex with you? My wife and I do poly and open--and I'm not going to be speaking much of casual sex with women I'm interested in dating for I don't want casual sex with them--I want romance!

So, while casual sex isn't an element of polyamory, being poly doesn't rule out also having open relationships or swinging.

It appears to me that you assumed he only does multiple romantic relationships without any indication to that effect. As you've just recently become involved with him, why would you expect to know everything about him by now? If you've never asked about whether or not he also does casual sex, why would you assume one way or the other?

Seriously, if he never claimed anything contrary, then he certainly hasn't betrayed you.
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  #9  
Old 06-02-2011, 07:40 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
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It appears to me that you assumed he only does multiple romantic relationships without any indication to that effect. As you've just recently become involved with him, why would you expect to know everything about him by now? If you've never asked about whether or not he also does casual sex, why would you assume one way or the other?

No, I didn't assume anything. We have talked about the relationship/sexual aspects at length. He said he doesn't do casual sex. And he said he discussed potential new partners with his current partners before engaging in any kind of relationship.

So it was jaring to see his post. If that is what he wants, it seems he has a responsibility to tell me that he is seeking/having casual sex otherwise I don't really know what I'm agreeing to. (especially if he did set up the start of the relationship that he wouldn't be having sex with anybody he wasn't involved with.)
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:33 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
[I].........
So it was jaring to see his post. If that is what he wants, it seems he has a responsibility to tell me that he is seeking/having casual sex otherwise I don't really know what I'm agreeing to. (especially if he did set up the start of the relationship that he wouldn't be having sex with anybody he wasn't involved with.)
Muse,

So it's good that it came out/got discovered when it did. Because as TruckerPete mentions - safety is what it really comes down to and THAT needs to be discussed fully.

One of the hard things - at least for me conceptually - is that when someone is declaring poly it almost goes without saying that there will be the "potential" for what's referred to as 'casual sex'. Because for a true poly - many at least - there may be no such thing (casual). Every sexual event has the POTENTIAL for more. There may be some gender imbalance here also. I think as a rule, men tend to weight the sexual part of a relationship heavier and therefore determining the sexual compatibility early on becomes more of a priority.
This in-depth type of discussion rarely happens - especially in the very early parts of a relationship. There's SO many other things to discuss !
So I think early conversations that can focus on what is safe and acceptable behavior can be the lead-in to some of these deeper and more exposing discussions. Seems that's whre you are now..........

GS
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