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Old 05-31-2011, 11:29 PM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
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Default Getting worse, not better

I apologize in advance for the length of this thread.

My wife, meyesekrit, is in a long-standing relationship with E, who is a friend of mine, too. E and I have our own things we go do (and we're both very straight, so that's not an issue). E and she have been together almost a year now.

She spends every Tuesday and Friday night at his house. It's getting harder and harder for me to cope with that time. The debilitating inability to think of other things, the knife stabbing my gut, the hard to breathe reaction. The thought of her naked and having sex with him is killing me.

I admit, when this started it was erotic and new, and I encouraged it. I'm very ADHD, and I don't anticipate consequences well. I also have long standing dependency issues - I will do anything for her.

Now, I've brought up this problem, and asked if she'd back off and not have sex unless I was there. She says it's not about the sex, I have other issues. She said she'd stop having sex with him, but she'd stop having sex with me, too. If she stops seeing him, she'd spend the night in a hotel. She said last night that she would move out if I did something to break up her and E.

Now, in her defense, I get very needy and clingy. That frantic dependency pushes her away. I know and admit I have issues to work through.

She says she's committed to me. She says she loves me. She shows that love and support daily (if only by putting up with me). She says she wants to live her life with me. Why can't my emotions be satisfied with that?

A year ago we were ready to end it. Her relationship with E has had huge benefits. We're closer now than ever. I feel more love and optimism for the future now. The pain motivates me to examine myself. I'm no good at it, but am trying to get in to see a therapist.

I don't understand what's going on. I shouldn't be afraid she'll leave me - she tells me that's not what she wants. I shouldn't be afraid she doesn't love me - she tells and hows me her love every day. I shouldn't be afraid of her comparing us - she admits E is far from perfect, that the two of them don't have near the relationship she and I have, and that she doesn't compare.

I just on't know why it hurts so much....
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:40 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostSailor View Post
A year ago we were ready to end it.
So, at the time you were nearly ready to end your marriage she started another relationship with E. This actually says alot. Did you fix the things that were causing problem in the first place or did they get glossed over? It sounds like it's time to sit down and take a hard look at some of the issues you guys had a year ago. Stuff can seemingly be ignored for a while, but what it's really doing is building resentments.

What are you doing on the nights she is gone? Do you have things to do that are just for you?

Last edited by SNeacail; 05-31-2011 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:46 PM
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Erosa Erosa is offline
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I have to agree with the above. Probably there is some underlying problem that has absolutely nothing to do with E.

Were there jealousy issues to begin with?

Were there sexual issues?

Were there communication issues?

Were there disagreements about life goals?

Were there pre-existing insecurity issues that came from other, past tense, relationship?

Any or all of these could be huge factors.
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:59 PM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
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Originally Posted by Erosa View Post
I have to agree with the above. Probably there is some underlying problem that has absolutely nothing to do with E.

Were there jealousy issues to begin with?

Were there sexual issues?

Were there communication issues?

Were there disagreements about life goals?

Were there pre-existing insecurity issues that came from other, past tense, relationship?

Any or all of these could be huge factors.
<grin>

She says it's issues that have nothing to do with E. When I'm not upset, I agree.

Jealousy issues - not really, when it was casual sex without a relationship.
Sexual issues - yes.
Communication issues - big yes.
Life goals - not really.
Existing insecurity - I didn't think so, but yes, in hindsight.
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Old 06-02-2011, 04:29 AM
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Well, I think you are identifying problems and that is the first step to solving them.

I am curious about one other thing. I here about her nights out with E where it is them alone. Where are the nights out with you? You and she a primaries, yes? Then there should be a night each week that is JUST you and her (if possible). Relationships require work.

Maybe something you should ask her is if you and she can for now, subtract one night a week with E and add one with each other.

Would she be interested in trying this? Make it a "no problems allowed" night. Meaning no fighting, no discussing, not arguing, etc.

This is just an idea.

One distinct difference between her connection with you and her conne tion with E is that your connection comes with "real life" attached. And it may be that whAt you two need is a chance to just be a couple instead of two members of a family.

Again, this is just an idea. And i don't know if it is a viable option. But i hope that you can work this all out.
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Old 06-03-2011, 05:10 AM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
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Erosa,

You hit the nail on the head a number of times. I don't want to ask her to delete a night, because I really don't think "my issues" are grounded in reality - I think I'm creating, subconsciously, these "problems" to get something (though I don't know what). We did, however, just spend an absolutely fabulous evening, both apart and together. First, I have a standing activity with E (we're both into firearms and military history, so we go shooting twice a week), so she took the time to go out to dinner with our daughter. Much needed mom/girl time. I shot horribly, but E and I hadva good time. Then, she and I laid in bed and just talked - no jealousy, accusations, blame, anger - just laughed, told stories, talked about Zen (which I drifted away from), talked about E and her from a compassionate place, and talked about things she and I want to do together.

She's spending Saturday night with E, and I'm going to work out and then do something else for my enjoyment. Sunday she and I are going to E's to hang out and maybe have a threesome (which, btw, gives me no problems).

I'm in a much better place now. I still need to work on my issues, but it helps tremendously to realize I really am ok the way I am. I just want to break some bad emotional habits. :-)

Edit: oh, and she and I have a date tonight.

Last edited by LostSailor; 06-03-2011 at 05:12 AM. Reason: Forgot something...
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:55 PM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
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She said recently (last night) that she was ready to end it. I wasn't.

I can be irresponsible, to say the least. I don't clean the house. I don't do a good job at finances. She and I don't do a good job at finances. I was having health issues, and had fallen out of shape. She felt trapped financially, hated being in the house, and struggled with depression. She said we had the same fights over and over, and weren't growing.

Her time with E, and the pain I feel, has motivated me to look at myself more. I've become more aware, more considerate, and a better husband. She and I are much happier when we're together. She and I are both afraid that if she ends it with E I'll "feel safe" and revert to earlier behaviors. I don't want her to end it - I see these huge benefits. I just want to stop hurting!

Usually I cook for the kids, do a few chores, and spend a few hours examining the pain, thinking of the two of them together, and trying to figure out why it hurts and how to change my emotions. Sometimes I go hiking in the middle of the night, which is purely for me. I try to read, but often can't concentrate because of my feelings.
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Old 06-04-2011, 09:27 AM
MrMrsDominant MrMrsDominant is offline
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Wow, a triad if issues. I'd have to ask what sort of relationship this is? An open marriage? She dates others? What do you do? Maybe you need to find a girlfriend to spend time with as she does?

Never would I let someone put ultimatums on my relationship, that's a deal breaker. Previous marriage issues but all is well as long as she can see him? wouldn't every relationship be splendid if you could stay married and date others to satisfy your needs?

It sounds like your in a serious emotional wreck trying to maintain a relationship by letting her date him. And when you ask her to stop she threatens you.

To me this only says the relationship is over and she is staying with you for financial support and the kids. Regardless of what she says.

I haven't heard that the 3 of you do anything together, so it seems as if she is doing your buddy and having her cake too. What you need to do is get your act together and figure out what the hell it is you want, build up your self confidence and stop letting her manipulate you.

Just my 2 cents without looking too deep into it.
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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MMD, you're a bit off, I feel. First of all, LostSailor doesn't own his wife, so he isn't "letting her" date E. They came to an arrangement together. Meyesekrit is also a member here and you can read her posts (Intro is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=61338). To imply that she is using LostSailor because she doesn't want to give up a long-term loving relationship with her bf is a bit harsh. She only sees her lover twice a week, and is now expected to stop having sex with him after a year because LostSailor suddenly has developed irrational fears? There are feelings between Meyesekrit and E. to be considerate of, just as much as the feelings between LostSailor and Meyesekrit, and it seems clear to me that LostSailor has insecurities but it's not fair to say it is Meyesekrit's fault.

LostSailor, you say you have ADHD, which probably means you hyperfocus on things that bother you, that someone without ADHD probably would not be fazed by.

Have you worked with any counselors or found a system to help you develop coping skills? I have ADD tendencies and have found ADDitude Magazine (online) helpful, although some of their articles are a bit too fluffy or cut-and-dried in their approach. I found one article about what happens in a marriage when a husband needs to have lots of order and control in his life in order to cope with ADHD, and the consequences of his trying to exert that control over his wife. It mentions differences between how men and women approach relationships. For the guy, it advises:
"Own your behavior. You need to realize that your over-controlling, over-structured habits are compensatory and that angry acting out is not fair or acceptable. It helps to develop a self-deprecating sense of humor about it too (e.g., "If I didn't have my head screwed on, I'd probably lose it too."). Over-controlling types can be very hard to live with, but a husband's personal insight and good humor will make his wife feel a lot better."
Well, I'm not really on board with the self-deprecating humor, but a sense of humor in general goes a long way.

In your intro thread, LostSailor, you wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostSailor View Post
She goes and spends the night a couple times a week, and now Jay (jealousy) is raising his ugly head. I don't understand it, and I sure don't like it. She's very supportive and helpful, but doesn't have direct experience. This is all complicated by the fact that it only bothers me when I'm in emotional turmoil for some other reason (she and I have a fight, for example, or, much more commonly, work is making me insanely stressed). When "I'm good," I miss her, but it's not a "problem" for me.
I bolded the statements that stood out for me. This is all an inside job, it would seem, as I am sure Meyesekrit has been honest and compassionate with you. Giving an ultimatum... well, sometimes that approach is necessary for someone who has to deal with a partner who has ADD/ADHD.

Are you worrying a lot, about a lot of things? Have you been full of anxiety and/or procrastinating? These are ways in which ADHD-ers respond to stress. But it may not necessarily be the stress of your relationship that's doing it. Do you have an increase of stress at work or other areas?

Over and over again, I read that the most important thing for a souse with ADHD to do, when all these worries set in, is to LISTEN. Listen to Meyesekrit when she tells you how much she loves you, and how much you mean to her. The sex is just another form of communication; keeping her from being sexual with E. isn't going to accmplish anything. You need to come to terms with you.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-04-2011 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:01 AM
LostSailor LostSailor is offline
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NYCIndie,

Thank you for this note. Today was not a good day, to say the least. We went out last night, had a great dinner, then had a huge misunderstanding when we went to bed, and I ended up getting very upset when meyesekrit didn't mean anything (she had responded to something in her sleep, and I thought she was awake and meant it - stupid).

You are absolutely right that this is an inside job. But I was not in a good place today, and I should have just refused to talk, but I did. Again, I need to learn to see when I'm not centered and not discuss how I feel. So the hurt jealous afraid part of me was in control, and no matter how hard I try, it says things it shouldn't. She was going to spend the night with E, and when she was getting ready, she shaved - and the knife twisted in my gut. Then she put on matching red undies and bra - and the knife twisted in my gut. I used poor judgement and told her how I felt, and she was hurt and angry. Not surprising.

Then, about an hour after she left, I got a text from her. E was out on a date. He had blown her off to go out with another woman. Meyesekrit felt she couldn't come home.

Needless to say, I feel horrible. I'm very sad for Meyesekrit. I feel horribly guilty that we had parted on bad terms. I feel like a failure that she can't come home. Then later, I was out hiking and got more texts from her (totally unheard of). She was at E's. He wanted to explain. It was not good. He said it was better for her to sleep there than in the car and he has a spare bed or a couch. That hurt her a lot.

Now I feel incredibly bad. She's there with E, and unless they've made up, she's functionally alone. I texted her and sent some mail, trying to be as supportive and unselfish as possible. I just know she's hurting, and E must be hurting, and I both want to help and desperately hope I'm not to blame.

I hope she comes home tomorrow and I'm able to support her in ways that don't make her feel trapped. I think the best way is to continue showing her I'm working on all the issues I need to work on. I had asked her to change some of the things about her relationship with E to help me feel better, and she refused because I hadn't done much of anything to make the feelings go away on my own. There are things about me (irresponsibility, etc) that she has wanted me to fix for years. She says I'm more motivated now to work on these things, and have done more in the last year than I ever have. She's afraid if she changes things with E, I won't have incentive, and I won't keep working on things. She's hurting, and the best way I can think of to help her is to keep working on my and the relationship.

Sigh. I feel so selfish. She's hurting and I can't help her because I've been an emotional wreck and she can't trust my stability. I effed this up pretty badly. I hope I can support her.
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