Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-31-2011, 03:45 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default Coping with sharing your wife sexually

I'm am a 37 year old man in a poly relationship. My wife and I are in a relationship with another married couple. While I have been pro-poly for only the past 10 months my wife is only 1 month into her relationship.

The problem is her relationship has become very physical and I am having the worst time dealing with it. I feel hurt, sad, angry, betrayed, disgusted and sometimes repulsed by her actions even though I allow them. One part wants to make her happy and the other part is just sick. Enough to make me re-think this poly lifestyle.

How do I cope with these emotions?

ps. for some background, my wife was very close minded person with serious emotional issues. Since this all started the 3 of us have helped her come out of her shell. She is discovering herself sexually and emotionally. for example, I finally convinced her to try a vibrator and she recently masturbated for the first time in her life! she is 38. she now is friendly and has friends.

Thanks for any insight.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-31-2011, 04:28 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,222
Default

It sounds like the experience has been good for her. What is it that you fear the most? I say "fear" because your reaction is quite extreme, especially after "allowing" this relationship. You share things that you own; you do not own your wife. Poly is about love, not just sex, and love is expansive. Don't you want the people you love to be happy and free? Have you and this other couple been too focused on the physical and not enough on building loving relationships? Is this disgust based on attachment and possessiveness, or a feeling that what she is doing makes you less of a man or husband? Turn it around - What about what you do? Aren't you sexual with the other couple yourself? Should she be disgusted at that? Or want you to feel satisfaction and freedom? Do you have a double standard when it comes to what is allowable for a man and a woman in a couple? I think you have to dig deep to get underneath the reactions you are having and see where they are coming from in order to "deal with" them.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 04:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-31-2011, 04:45 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default

The whole experience thus far has been mostly emotional and much less physical. She really has gotten a huge amount of support from myself and the other couple. They are like family to us now.

Yes I tell myself I want all those things and yes I am physical with the other woman. I am not concerned about my wife having feels at all. It's just that I seem to have a hang up about sex wit her and another man.

I've been digging. I think you made a great point. "Is it a double standard?" I think my upbringing, societal influence and her previosly being so close minded that I never once considered her "wanting" another man sexually.

Obviously for me, as a man, I have always wanted more physical action. Especially since I have only been with my wife. I need to change my programming.

Thanks for responding. This has been one of the most difficult hings I have dealth with in my life.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-31-2011, 05:03 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,222
Default

I had a very wise teacher who used to say, "We live in the atmosphere of our beliefs. If you don't like the air you're breathing, change your beliefs."

Self-examination isn't always easy. Have compassion for yourself and your wife as you keep examining your responses to things. See if, when you have a reaction, you can step back from it and notice where it's coming from. There is a difference between feelings that rise in us organically, out of our sensitivities (like grief, for example), which have an ebb and flow, and the kinds of emotional reactions we create from our thoughts and obsess on.

The more you can get familiar with your thought process, the easier it becomes to identify patterns of thinking that spark certain emotional reactions. It takes practice to live in the moment and not give way to "stinking thinking." I would say, if these feelings of disgust, anger, or betrayal emerge again, don't focus on her and what she's up to, but rather on yourself and your internal process, kind of like a scientist observing. Just go, "Hmm, now what am I feeling here? Why am I having this reaction? What do I get out of feeling this way?" and so on. It truly does help in understanding yourself and how you relate to others if you can unravel your thinking rather than follow the thoughts on a roller coaster ride of angst and drama.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 05:06 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-31-2011, 05:54 AM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,565
Default

Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, you had to deal with all the emotional and sexual baggage and now others are benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month, maybe things are moving a little too fast.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-31-2011, 02:15 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, you had to deal with all the emotional and sexual baggage and now others are benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month, maybe things are moving a little too fast.
Yes absolutely. I feel hurt. Like how can you make me wait 20 years for one of my fantasies and then turn around and give it to him in 4 weeks! I agree things are moving too fast. I sent her an email saying that this morning. I understand though that she was "in the moment" and excited but nonetheless it hurts.

We both did not talk enough of what was allowed and not allowed. She was with him Sunday morning and I thought I was agreeing to some quiet time and some kissing but I found out it went way beyond that. It was both our faults.

I am trying to reflect on my emotions and why they are there. I guess it will take time.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, quad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:52 AM.