Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-30-2011, 05:58 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default Break-up Styles

Break-ups seem to be rough no matter how you do them and sometimes they can be pretty devastating. I'm curious to hear how people view break-ups. Is there a way that you typically do it? Ie, remain friends, remain civil, cut off contact, move across the country? Do you think there's a right or wrong way? Maybe a better way? Did you ever feel guilty for cutting some one out of your life? Do you think that polyamory affects your breakups? Can you compare a poly break up to one while you were still mono? Does how you react/structure the future interaction depend on whether you were the one who ended it?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-30-2011, 01:27 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

I am anti-processing. The way I see it, I'd rather leave a wound to heal and scar than pick it open constantly by re-visiting the issue of 'Why did it have to end'. I really am not in the mood post-break up to share any painful emotions with the person I have broken away from, or to let them see how badly affected I am. I rather go away and hide and cry to my friends.

An ex-boyfriend broke up with me and still kept calling every day and talking about everyday, inconsequential things. I had to tell him to stop, via text - couldn't deal with telling it straight on the phone. It just felt really weird - if you are still calling everyday, how exactly has our relationship changed?

With poly? If my current triad broke up into a vee, I probably couldn't deal. I know, I know, every relationship is unique, but post-break up, I tend to try avoiding things that remind of the person I've lost, you know?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-30-2011, 02:02 PM
Interested32 Interested32 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Nb Canada
Posts: 23
Default

I have been the break uppee and the break upper.

I usually like to fill out how the other or others think things are going. I was going out with a person and asked how they feel about how our relationship was doing the person was grateful since I opened the topic and found that both of us felt more friendship than romance and decided to just be friends. We are still friends too. I been in a relationship where they felt it was going no where and decide they did not want to continue and broke up with me by text. I was more upset with the way they did it. If they were honest and said in a conversation and I am not feeling it I would be more receptive than out the blue.

I go with the saying treat others the way you wish to be treated. How would you respect a certain way of being broken up with it works for all relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-30-2011, 10:38 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

If some one wanted to dump me I would just need to hear four words "this is not working". I don't need to know why. Details aren't my thing. When someone looks at a person and asks "why"...what they are really saying is "tell me what I can do to keep you".

When breaking up with someone in the past I tried to point out the positives for her. I didn't focus on "what was wrong" but focussed on what was now possible.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-30-2011, 11:26 PM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

Breaking up is always hard no matter how it happens.

I have had to break up from both of the supposed triangles I was in because they were rapidly becoming Vees with me as the hinge. 0_0 not something I am up for.

When I break up with someone I cut ties for about 6-9 months. Then, if they want to be friend, I am interested in that. But many want to rekindle and then I have to leave them be. I do my best not to go back to relationships that I know failed.
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-31-2011, 12:25 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,104
Default

I don't actually remember very many of my past break-ups, they were so long ago. The ones that stand out most on my mind had some drama attached to the break-up, I guess. Before I got married, lots of the relationships I had just ended by kind of... fizzling out. We would just stop calling or seeing each other as much until we just... stopped. As far as whenever I've had to break it off with someone, I've just always tried to keep it simple, and I hate being asked for reasons or to give long explanations. Now, my recent breakups, since being separated, I do recall - and initially I've felt hurt and disappointed, and indulged in a bit of melodrama (email break-up??!! Puh-leeez!), but I'm finding that I can reach a certain place of objectivity fairly soon after, which surprises me.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 07:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break-ups, breaking up

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:02 AM.