Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-22-2011, 05:24 PM
MaybeSparrow's Avatar
MaybeSparrow MaybeSparrow is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 13
Default Reaching out to his primary when we're both new at this?

I met a very nice guy and we had a very nice couple of times hanging out. Yay! After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship, and I'm inexperienced enough with poly where I've never been in this situation.

So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't!) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life?
__________________
Find me out
I'm not just made of hearts
Oh you can break right through this box
You put me into


--Sleater Kinney, "Heart Factory"
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-22-2011, 05:30 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146
Default

It might be better for the three of you to meet for lunch or coffee, and get introduced. Just shoot the breeze, talk about anything, and get to know each other.

Or maybe just you and her meet, and gossip about him, as co-conspirators.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-22-2011, 06:28 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I have had emails from my loves other partners before that have simply said that they would be really glad to meet me and that they are enjoying their time with our shared partner. That's it... then we usually set up meeting each other.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-22-2011, 09:43 PM
HalcyonDream's Avatar
HalcyonDream HalcyonDream is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 2
Default

Just keep it simple, casual and polite. Also the suggestion of coffee with either her or both of them would be nice too.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-22-2011, 09:57 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,181
Default

I would say also that if you're not comfortable reaching out to her, don't do it for him. Do it only if you feel motivated to do so. It might still be premature at this point. If you feel pressured, it's gonna be awkward and weird. But if you are motivated to connect with her, just take a moment to sit and think about what you really would want to say to her if she were in front of you, and keep it simple. It doesn't have to be more than two sentences or so.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2011 at 03:43 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-23-2011, 03:06 AM
Feedhercandy's Avatar
Feedhercandy Feedhercandy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 29
Smile Coffee's great, social situation may be better

It's awesome of you to reach out for advice about this. Kudos on your initiative and thoughtfulness. Playing the role of the wife, I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree w a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's thr job of your potential boyfriend's to manage his partner.

Having said that, I recently had the first experience of being introduced to a possible future gf. It was done in a poly-friendly social setting. That way my husband could spend some time w her while I socialized w others, then I could spend some time w her and w them. It worked out great.

As a final thought, this early on I would take offense if you suggested too much of a commonality between us. But that might just be me.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-23-2011, 08:30 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,181
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaybeSparrow View Post
After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Feedhercandy View Post
I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree w a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's thr job of your potential boyfriend's to manage his partner.
I've been thinking about your post, Sparrow, and agree with what I bolded from Feedhercandy, above. I have to say that I think it's a little weird that he asked you to do this right away. After two times just hanging out? Or is "hanging out" a euphemism for sex nowadays? Even so, who says that "it's the proper thing to do," anyway? I mean, it would be nice and perhaps even delightful, if it were your idea and not his. But for him to ask this of you seems a bit pushy and conceited, in a way. Like he's this hot commodity that requires a transaction. Know what I mean? It seems odd to reach out to his girlfriend at such an early stage.

Have you already written her?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-24-2011, 01:58 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaybeSparrow View Post
.... he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship, and I'm inexperienced enough with poly where I've never been in this situation.

So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't!) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life?
He requested.... he asked if she would be willing.... I'm not getting where the issue is with this. "Requesting" is above board to me. If the OP doesn't want to she doesn't have to. Although I wouldn't suggest falling short in the metamour department. Metamours can make or break a relationship
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-25-2011, 06:22 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Certainly nothing wrong with saying the SO would like to meet you, but I really do think it is up to him to facilitate the meeting this early on.
I think it is weird to leave it up to you to initiate conversation. My husband and I have an agreement to meet people the other are dating if it is going to become something other than a couple of dates, but that is our job to make happen, not the people we are dating.
The guy I am dating - his wife wants to meet me (he met my husband over a month ago), I'd like to meet her, but she did not want to meet me with him there, so she's taken my email and the ball is in her court, I look forward to meeting her, but if he had told me it was my job to contact her and "make things happen" I think I may have bowed out of that, a hell of a lot of pressure for somebody you don't even know how you feel about yet (I am assuming).
Now if I had already met her socially, I would be more inclined to send a friendly message proactively, but I can't picture sending a total stranger a "thanks for letting me borrow your partner" email.
I have seen two schools of thought on this - people who don't want to meet their metamours unless it is "going somewhere" and people who want to meet them ASAP (which probably gets tiring if your SO dates a hell of a lot).
I would ask the BF if she really wants to meet me, and then probably take the steps to make it happen, but it seems like there is a bit of maturing to do, (as in I think the BF might have said "my gf would like to meet you, so I would like that if too, how can we make it happen?") although the first relationship is certainly going to be a big learning curve on communication.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-25-2011 at 06:54 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-25-2011, 07:02 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

When I was in a poly relationship our guy was the link between us (the two females involved) getting to know one another. He and she were the established couple. I was his new female interest. We were in a long distance relationship. After asking me, he started to include her on a few of our more casual phone calls to just "chat". In fact, he also introduced me to a couple of their close friends in a "social" phone call one evening because the friends were visiting when I happened to call.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
communication, metamour

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:21 PM.