Hello from NY!

[MRC2009]

Hello! I stumbled upon this forum this morning and I'm happy that I did. Here's my situation:

Recently (a few weeks ago) my husband (of 5 years) told me that he is Poly! I knew right away what that meant and it hit me incredibly hard. I told my husband that I respect that he felt this way but that it wasn't for me. He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."

We haven't talked a whole lot about this as we were/are having some relationship issues and want to work on that first. We did sort of "talk" about it a few days after he dropped the bomb on me. He kept telling me that this was going to be fun and that it would benefit both of us. I still don't see how it could be either of those things. He said that there would be rules/guidelines that we would all have to agree on (and follow). Well I started thinking about it and I decided to jot down a couple of rules that I would want to have. When I told my husband about them he didn't agree with a most of them. The biggest one is that I asked him not to get any other women pregnant. He said that could not and would not make that promise to me. This has been a BIG deal for me as I have fertility issues. In April 2009 we decided to take the next step in dealing with the fertility, so I'm really confused, upset, etc about this.

So I've joined this forum in hopes of getting some insight from both Mono and Poly people. I've thought a LOT about this and if we can work things out between us I'm willing to give Poly a try. I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

Well that's all from me (for now)!
"M"

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

Well that's all from me (for now)!
"M"

I'll be interested to see how he reacts if you pursue your own relationships. This would be particularly interesting because it is generally much easier for women to find partners then men. Poly doesn't have to be a two way street, but the option should always be there. Otherwise, it's all about him and his needs. Keep us posted!

Welcome to the forums!!
Mono

[MRC2009]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'll be interested to see how he reacts if you pursue your own relationships. This would be particularly interesting because it is generally much easier for women to find partners then men. Poly doesn't have to be a two way street, but the option should always be there. Otherwise, it's all about him and his needs. Keep us posted!

Welcome to the forums!!
Mono

I've asked him if he was okay with the thought of me "dating" another man and he said that he was fine with it. He then went on to say that he would have to approve of the person and that there would be rules (and a VETO power). I laughed when you said that it is generally easier for women to find partners then men. My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

What a nice thing to say to your wife. I bet that makes you feel really attractive.

[Tech]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

I've asked him if he was okay with the thought of me "dating" another man and he said that he was fine with it. He then went on to say that he would have to approve of the person and that there would be rules (and a VETO power). I laughed when you said that it is generally easier for women to find partners then men. My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

Forgive me. For some reason what you said here about your husband really pushed my buttons... This guy sounds like a JERK.

Again...sorry, I know that's not cool to do on Forums.
There must be good in this man for you to have married him and stay with him, but he needs to respect your needs more.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MRC2009

My husband seems to think the opposite! He has said (more than once) that he could have someone in less than a month but that it would take me awhile to find someone (if I could at all).

Sorry, but you might want to inform him that his head is up his ass.

[Tech]

My 2 cents...

Therapy sounds good. Do it, get a professional, objective opinion. Likely it will agree with alot of the feedback here.

As far as lists? Sounds like he came up with "this great idea" to outline his needs. Good for him - but this might not work for YOU. You both need to find ways to express your needs/wants, but lists might be HIS way of doing this, not yours.

Keep communicating, but it doesn't always have to be on his terms following his rules.

Good luck.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Sorry, but you might want to inform him that his head is up his ass.

Agreed...maybe all he really needs is some LUBE to get it out!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

Agreed...maybe all he really needs is some LUBE to get it out!

You need lube to get it in; you need an enema to get it out.

[MRC2009]

I do have one other question/concern that I need some help with.

My husband keeps bringing up a Needs/Wants/Likes list. He said that he made one a few months ago and that he goes back to it every so often to add/delete/modify it. He wants me to make one too so that we can compare the two together. He said that if the lists aren't similar enough then there is no way for us to continue as a couple. I keep telling him that I am not living my life by some list. I sat down last week to make this list and I can only come up with 3-4 things in the "needs" section.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Is there anyone who has made a list like this or knows what I'm talking about? If there is anyone who could help me with this I would greatly appreciate it. We're going to see a couple therapist next month and my husband wants to take these lists with us. I think it's just a bunch of crap.