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  #1  
Old 05-20-2011, 02:25 AM
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Squibby Squibby is offline
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Default Scare 'em or just be friends?

I was having a chat with my boyfriend yesterday and we were discussing the small issue of terrifying someone (unfamiliar with polyamory) away with questions like 'do you want to be our girlfriend/boyfriend?' etc. His reply was that you don't ask that question, you just kinda let things happen - however, I don't really see how you can do that, since surely they will assume you are off-limits and will moderate any possible feelings as such? Basically, how do you not terrify a potential lover, without, alternatively, ending up in the dreaded 'friend-zone'? 0.0
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:41 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Why not meet halfway and discuss openly about your polyamorousness. Then the question or hinting won't be so daunting. You might learn out of the box they aren't interested.

For the record I am not saying this as a deception, simply meaning, be open about your overall position when engaging with people and you won't surprise them with something as potentially shocking as an open relationship.

I agree with you, letting things progress naturally, when they don't even know there is a possibility.. Chances are lower.
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:12 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I actually got with my partner before telling her about me being poly. I'm surprised she wasn't scared off when I did. I definitely think it would be hard for anyone to get into a relationship when they believe you are off limits though, so even asking straight up is always better than nothing. But surely you'd want to get to know someone before getting with them right? They would probably feel the same way. Talk to them, let them know who you are... Then if you get along well or fall in love and all that mushy stuff, ask them out. Me though, I prefer the just let it happen route. I make friends and talk about myself, but I don't really ask anyone out. I haven't done that in years. I'm only 19, but it really seems kinda childish does the whole asking out stuff.
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:45 PM
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Squibby Squibby is offline
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=/ I am a terrible actor though! Haha, don't you think talking about polyamory like that would kind of be a bit obvious? ("Oh hey, did you know we're polyamorous? Oh, well it means etc etc - isn't that interesting? Just thought we'd happen to talk about it now at this moment...")

Eeb scary! Asking someone out - I agree, a daft exercise in awkwardness - was terrifying for me. Felt sick for about 3 days afterwards... That kind of method, being friends first and letting things progress from there, is quite a familiar one - it went that way with my first 'serious' boyfriend. However, in the case of my current bf, he has always been placed in the friend-zone before meeting me, and as a pair? I don't know that it won't be that way too.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:00 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Squibby View Post
=/ I am a terrible actor though! Haha, don't you think talking about polyamory like that would kind of be a bit obvious? ("Oh hey, did you know we're polyamorous? Oh, well it means etc etc - isn't that interesting? Just thought we'd happen to talk about it now at this moment...")

Eeb scary! Asking someone out - I agree, a daft exercise in awkwardness - was terrifying for me. Felt sick for about 3 days afterwards... That kind of method, being friends first and letting things progress from there, is quite a familiar one - it went that way with my first 'serious' boyfriend. However, in the case of my current bf, he has always been placed in the friend-zone before meeting me, and as a pair? I don't know that it won't be that way too.
Who says you have to ask? Maybe bring both up at the same time. "I like you! Even though it might sound weird cos I'm with someone. But they are actually ok with me being with someone else, cos we're in sort of an open relationship to have more relationships." Not that i expect you to use that line exactly. I'm just not very good at getting my point across. =P

I have people in that invisible friend zone too. But that is because of poly really. They are happy for me, but could never be with me romantically. I've had both relationships start from friendship and just meeting up at a gig or a pub too. My current partner, we met at a pub gig. =P My mate's band was playing and [even starnger part of the story] OUR ex introduced us. Just clicked from the first moment. =] Poly didn't come up for a while after that. But I think she'd had time to get used to me and basically said, "I love you for who you are and it changes nothing about the way I feel." So bringing poly up and having new relationships can go so many ways. It's just finding the ways which work for that moment/person/way you're feeling...
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:30 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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this has become a very daunting fear of mine, even in our small group of friends (all guys, if it matters) i've rarely spoken about my feelings about non traditional relationships. mostly due to my fiancee getting upset at the topic, this was before my coming out and now he has a much better understanding of everything and has stopped seeing it as a failing of his.
but even if i wasn't hoping for something more with someone, i would worry about scaring them off. it's not a likely possibility with these guys, we're a fairly unusual bunch but still. he has been friends with these guys since childhood, i would hate to ruin that for anyone.
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:57 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Squibby View Post
=/ I am a terrible actor though! Haha, don't you think talking about polyamory like that would kind of be a bit obvious? ("Oh hey, did you know we're polyamorous? Oh, well it means etc etc - isn't that interesting? Just thought we'd happen to talk about it now at this moment...")
I would stay away from the poly word altogether, because you will end up having to define things. Stick with open, or non-monogamous. People know what those mean.

The other method for coming out, is if they ask about your partner, use THAT as a way to come out. Say they ask how s/he is, that's a perfect opportunity to mention that your partner had a good date, or if they ask what the two of you are doing on a weekend, mention the upcoming date your partner has.

Lots of different ways to do it! Check out the coming out thread.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 05-21-2011 at 08:58 PM. Reason: typo
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