Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it

faraday

Member
Not sure what to do about wanting support but not needing it. So my girlfriend is in town and so far it has been really wonderful. My boyfriend and I road tripped down to pick her up and we spent a lovely week traveling and just being together. But now we are back in my city and I have to go to work every day. My girlfriend is on holiday vacation from grad school and my boyfriend works form home and has a lot of control over when he works. So they get to hang out every day, and then I come home at night.

It’s not like they are spending every waking moment together, my girlfriend used to live in our city and has a lot of friends to see and people to talk to and is working on PhD applications and while my boyfriend works from home he does work and so he will be doing that.

We agreed that while I was at work was the best time for them to have sex because then I don’t miss out on time with them. I have some strange issues around sex I have a problem having sex with the people I am most intimate with. When I love someone deeply and feel like they really know me all of a sudden the sex get scary for me and I just stop having it. That is hard on my partners but they try to be supportive of me while I figure it out.

But that also means that I am not having any sex. My partners are okay with me having more casual sex so that I don’t feel sad and worked up all the time but I also want to trust the people I’m having sex with. The people in my life that would be safe and fun and enjoyable to have sex with aren’t available to me because of a number of reasons.

So I’m getting up in the morning and sitting at my desk for 8 hours while they have sex and sleep and hang out and I guess I feel bitter about it. I’m sad that I can’t seem to get my sexual desire fulfilled while they can. I’m sad that I can’t hang out more with my girlfriend before she goes back to school and I feel kind of down and alone.

My sex issues often get me down I think that this situation is just throwing light on it more. I don’t want to spend my whole life struggling to have a sex life with the people I love. I also don’t want to ask them to limit themselves because I am having a hard time. I might if we all lived together and they saw each other all the time but as it is we go months at a time without seeing our girlfriend AND my male partner doesn’t have any other sex partners so the months of not seeing her end up being pretty sexless for him. I try to be good and give him head a few times a week but I know he craves more emotional physical contact and I know being with someone (me) who has issues around that kind of contact is hard and I don’t want to take away their time together.

Maybe I’m just having a pity party to the tune of “Life isn’t fair” but I’m feeling down and left out and trying to get a handle on those emotions so I don’t bring down the rest of the time we all have together.

So like I said at the top I don’t NEED anything in this moment. I don’t NEED sex, or more time, or for them not to have sex. I don’t NEED special treatment or consideration. But I very much WANT to have a sexual connection right now so I don’t feel as… well… fucked up. And I WANT my partners to bend over backwards to make me happy because I feel like I’m working so hard to accommodate there desires and that all sounds selfish and self centered to me. And I don’t know what to do or what to ask for.

I am a very lucky person both of my partners are very giving and will listen deeply to anything I can articulate but I feel like our talking about this issue hasn’t come up with any forward movement. They feel bad that there sexual connection is making my life more difficult right now they are open to anyway they could make it easier or better but they are just as out of ideas as I am.
 
I wish i had some sort of advice for you, but unfortunately i don't. I can however offer my support. I hope all gets worked out, so all 3 of you can be happy. *hugs* :)
 
This does sound complicated and I want to try to tread very carefully - I have tried reading this post a couple of times and to read between the lines, but come up with different conclusions each time.

So let me ask you a blunt question - your "strange issues around sex" that you mention - is this something you wish to try to work through so that you can enjoy sex with those who are intimate to you, or is it something that you want to make adjustments in your life to allow for?

It does sound like whichever way you go, you are in a very supportive atmosphere to tackle either. That is a blessing, for sure.
 
So let me ask you a blunt question - your "strange issues around sex" that you mention - is this something you wish to try to work through so that you can enjoy sex with those who are intimate to you, or is it something that you want to make adjustments in your life to allow for?

I very much want to be in a better place about sex. I believe I can be, I just don’t know how. I’m trying to find a therapist but I’m sort of scared of that. I feel like this is an issue that is going to cause a lot of pain and hard times before it gets better and I haven’t done my best to pursue therapy because of that. I am trying to change that. I’m also broke as hell and most of the “poly friendly” therapists in Seattle are people I know personally and socially which I want to avoid. So it’s not a simple thing in the first place but I know I could make it happen if I was pushing more.

It is kind of horrible not to feel safe connecting sexually to the people you love the most. To watch your partners feel hurt and rejected because you have an issue that you can’t figure out. To feel like you need to move away from the people you love and trust to have sex.

And on top of that I know I would feel better and less bitter and hurt if I could just have some sex. I’ve never had a problem finding sexual partners but I don’t want to just go out and fuck someone I don’t have any connection to. (I know that sounds like a contradiction but it isn’t) And the 5 people who are the people I would like to have sex with/ know would like to have sex with me are all a) living on the other side of the country 2) married and mono 3) or there partner has issues around me personally 4) an ex who I love to have sex with but who can’t just have sex without the emotional baggage and eventually gets very hurt by me, again.

Sorry that was the pity part again. Money and time prevent 1. The whole “ethical” thing prevents 2, 3 and 4.
 
I very much want to be in a better place about sex. I believe I can be, I just don’t know how. I’m trying to find a therapist but I’m sort of scared of that. I feel like this is an issue that is going to cause a lot of pain and hard times before it gets better and I haven’t done my best to pursue therapy because of that. I am trying to change that. I’m also broke as hell and most of the “poly friendly” therapists in Seattle are people I know personally and socially which I want to avoid. So it’s not a simple thing in the first place but I know I could make it happen if I was pushing more.
Well, for what it's worth, I don't think that you have to restrict yourself to explicitly "poly-friendly" therapists.

I have had some experience with therapists while I was working on my own issues and I found one that hadn't even heard of poly and she did a lot of volunteer work for Catholic charities. However, I showed her some online documents that I have found - a sort of "Poly 101 for Therapists" and she just clued right in on it, and seemed to understand the issues amazingly well, paraphrasing stuff back to me with the meaning even closer to what I was trying to say!

So you may have to search a little more than most, but I don't think you need to restrict yourself to that poly-friendly label. Not sure whether this helps you or not, but I don't envy you your struggle.

Going through the process is tough - unravelling all the "stuff" what you have kept inside you all the years, but it does sound like you have a support mechanism around you that will be able to metaphorically and literally hold your hand through it, so that you can come out the other side feeling like you have something resolved.

I really wish you strength, luck and eventual happiness.
 
I'm just throwing thoughts out there and who knows so I apologize if I am wasting space and time.

When it comes to sex with someone I love, I have a need for connection to perform. Let me be clear in my reference to connection; I don't feel it as a sliding scale for me...I am there or not. If there are any negative influences or issues I simply can't function sexually because my connection is broken in that moment.

Connection can be broken by things happening in my partner's life or in my feeling undeserving to touch the person I love because I say or do something that hurts or worries them.

I've had casual sex and one night stands where I managed to perform but it was not easy and turned me off of that activity.

Physiologically I have much more need for connection with some one I love than for some one I am essentially just getting off inside. There needs to be a sense that more than our bodies are going to touch...something deeper needs to be shared.

Is there any possibility that there might be an underlying sense that something is not quite as right with your relationship that might be generating this issue for you? Maybe it's not trust that is causing it but an unidentified concern or denial that makes you unable to have sex with those you love?

Just my thoughts
Take care
Mono
 
Thank you so much CielDuMatin. I think your right maybe I should talk to people outside the poly world. My issues with sex don't seem to be issues with poly so maybe I don't need someone who is active in the lifestyle to talk to.

MonoVCPHG, casual sex and one night stands are easy for me. I don't think it is just this relationship because it has happened in every relationship that has lasted over two years. I believe know where it comes from I was sexually molested as a kid. It's something I have mostly figured out but sex has always been something that was better when it was kinky, causal with good chemistry and mostly degrading. It sounds like you and I have opposite issues.
 
Thank you so much CielDuMatin. I think your right maybe I should talk to people outside the poly world. My issues with sex don't seem to be issues with poly so maybe I don't need someone who is active in the lifestyle to talk to.
If it gives you more options and can be more affordable it may just be worth a try, yes. I didn't like to pry as to where you issues lie, but if you say that they aren't really poly-related then yes, that should make things easier.
 
Perhaps you could consult with some of the poly-friendly counselors you know socially and ask them to help you find a suitable therapist.
 
If it gives you more options and can be more affordable it may just be worth a try, yes. I didn't like to pry as to where you issues lie, but if you say that they aren't really poly-related then yes, that should make things easier.

I had the same issues with mono relationships in the past. I'm just happy my issue isn't making it so both my partner and I can't have sex. All three of us still get to have sex and it is really so much better this way.
 
As I read your post I knew I was going to ask you about sexual abuse, but you already answered it. I will divulge a little info about myself. Forgive me for typos. I am on my phone.

I was molested by a few extremely trusted family members. When it was brought to light I was pretty much turned away by other family members I hoped would comfort me. I was on my own 16 1/2 across the country from any friends or family. I had no money for counseling and the only way I knew at the time to say I had no issues with the abuse was to enjoy sex and let it be known to the world I loved sex. There problem solved... Not so much. It reared its ugly little head it very odd ways and because I didn't have the funds to seek help I learned how to help myself. I embraced the pain I became that girl again and let myself crumble in privacy.

I did this because I needed to know what that little girl felt because she needed a voice. I wrote letters to my molestors (in a special journal) I wrote of the painn, the fear, the heart break, all of my insecurities, how I just wanted to be loved for me ect ect. I wrote about how angry I was and all of my childhood plans that were taken away and replaced by scemes to harm them to end the abuse. Ect ect. In a weird way I bonded with my molestors (only in my journal) and I let go of them and focused on this girl having a voice to tell her story. This is something I did off and on. I know it sounds nuts but it helped me start the process of healing.

I was like you, afraid of the ugliness I would uncover. After a while I knew I would be trapped if I didn't find the courage to run full force into the pain so I could come out of it on the other side. The pain was a wall that kept me isolated from those cared about.

So Its possible to to heal if professional help isn't possible. Also, there a lot of nice points in a post I made called my icky can of worms. If you want to do a search. The biggest thing was someone said, " you can have my body but not my mind." It really hit home. I also shared a revelation moment of my sister telling me I'm not that little girl anymore and that I can't be hurt as I once was. Its been a hard journey and it didn't start until I embraced the pain. I wish you luck in healing and my heart goes out to you. And I'm sending you bravery vibes!

PS. the reason why I bring up this instead of your original concern of the want for attention, comfort, or to have sex is because you can't treat the symptom. Treat the cause and the symptom will go away.
 
As I read your post I knew I was going to ask you about sexual abuse, but you already answered it. I will divulge a little info about myself. Forgive me for typos. I am on my phone.

I was molested by a few extremely trusted family members. When it was brought to light I was pretty much turned away by other family members I hoped would comfort me. I was on my own 16 1/2 across the country from any friends or family. I had no money for counseling and the only way I knew at the time to say I had no issues with the abuse was to enjoy sex and let it be known to the world I loved sex. There problem solved... Not so much. It reared its ugly little head it very odd ways and because I didn't have the funds to seek help I learned how to help myself. I embraced the pain I became that girl again and let myself crumble in privacy.

I did this because I needed to know what that little girl felt because she needed a voice. I wrote letters to my molestors (in a special journal) I wrote of the painn, the fear, the heart break, all of my insecurities, how I just wanted to be loved for me ect ect. I wrote about how angry I was and all of my childhood plans that were taken away and replaced by scemes to harm them to end the abuse. Ect ect. In a weird way I bonded with my molestors (only in my journal) and I let go of them and focused on this girl having a voice to tell her story. This is something I did off and on. I know it sounds nuts but it helped me start the process of healing.

I was like you, afraid of the ugliness I would uncover. After a while I knew I would be trapped if I didn't find the courage to run full force into the pain so I could come out of it on the other side. The pain was a wall that kept me isolated from those cared about.

So Its possible to to heal if professional help isn't possible. Also, there a lot of nice points in a post I made called my icky can of worms. If you want to do a search. The biggest thing was someone said, " you can have my body but not my mind." It really hit home. I also shared a revelation moment of my sister telling me I'm not that little girl anymore and that I can't be hurt as I once was. Its been a hard journey and it didn't start until I embraced the pain. I wish you luck in healing and my heart goes out to you. And I'm sending you bravery vibes!

PS. the reason why I bring up this instead of your original concern of the want for attention, comfort, or to have sex is because you can't treat the symptom. Treat the cause and the symptom will go away.

wow, thanks for writing this. I was wondering how you have been... you sound so strong. So proud of your journey and where you are. Good for you! I totally agree, facing the pain is the only way for me. Otherwise fear and pain rule my life and then what is the point of living. I have experienced enough to know that once through pain and fear there is a high that comes and that is pure living and loving life. There is nothing like it. :)
 
wow, thanks for writing this. I was wondering how you have been... you sound so strong. So proud of your journey and where you are. Good for you! I totally agree, facing the pain is the only way for me. Otherwise fear and pain rule my life and then what is the point of living. I have experienced enough to know that once through pain and fear there is a high that comes and that is pure living and loving life. There is nothing like it. :)

You hit the nail on the head with this one. Not to hijack, but I am doing quite well. I lurk almost daily, but being at the beginning stages is time consuming. I haven't had time sit sit in front of my computer probably since my last post and I really hate typing on this phone. But I will do a huge update soon seeing as so much time has past I will try not to make it too long and have plenty of page breaks just for you : ) Okay back to the OP.
 
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