Loving without Fear: Cleo's path

I'm reading a book about addictions and am realizing that my constant need for checking in and being reassured is exactly that: an addiction.

And that giving in to it, to numb the feelings of restlessness and pain and insecurity and fear, is actually making all those feelings worse.

It's very interesting, how over the course of the day I feel the stress level rising again... I last heard from C last night, and now I need my fix. Getting restless again, nervous, and feeling almost physical withdrawal symptoms from being reassured by him that no, he has not forgotten yet that I exist.

Need to just stop doing it, ha. Cold turkey?
 
So, a couple of weeks ago MrBrown indicated that his GF (his primary, I suppose, though he doesn't talk in hierarchy, but they see each other a lot even if they don't live together) was interested in meeting me.

I've indicated from when I first started seeing him I was interested in meeting her. He keeps his relationships pretty separate (though he talks to me about her, and says he talks to her about me) but she was hesitant.

Anyway, I was thrilled when he said she wanted to meet me. But then I didn't hear anything about it anymore (and did not bring it up myself).

So tonight I'm at work and he texts me if I want to hang out and meet her.. let's call her Liza.. so here I am at home waiting for the text to tell me to which bar I should go.. I'm so freaking excited!!!!

off I go! will report back tomorrow!
 
I hope things go well with your meeting with Liza. Sending good vibes your way!
 
well, that was pretty wonderful.

We talked (and drank :) ) for 4 hours, it was amazingly relaxed. She is a lovely, warm and open woman.. and it was great to see them together, and feel that he and I are also 'together' even if in a different way. We talked a lot about poly, about family, society, being different, growing up.. it was all very open and wonderful and warm. MrB got up from his seat a couple of times (we were sitting at a small, square table, on 3 different sides, which felt very nice and 'equal') to give us both a big smoochy kiss. I went out for a smoke with him at one point and we just looked at each other and said 'how wonderful is this' and he went out to make a phone call and she and I continued talking and connecting.

There was this very slight moment of ... not really awkwardness, maybe a little like feeling unsettled, when we left and after giving big hugs goodbeye they walked in one direction together and I went the other way. But that was only very brief, and almost insignificant.

When I got home I immediately texted C... i have to admit that was a little manipulative. but one of the reasons the night was so perfectly timed and had made me feel so good was because of the whole business with C and Molly, who doesn't want to know about me or meet me. And I guess I wanted to show him 'look it could be like this...'

Anyway, that's not up to me. I just felt really loved and accepted.
One of the nicest things was the way she responded when I told her things about my life and the people in it.. I mentioned names and she said " oh I know all those names, we talk about you and your life you know!" and that made me feel so good. He talks about her with me, bot casually and about their relationship, and it felt so right, and balanced, that he shares his relationship with me, with her.

****************

Have a date with BGuy tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have a little cold which is distracting, and I also haven't been feeling very sexual lately.. and since this is a meeting of friends who will then have sex, maybe it's not a good time. On the other hand, I really like him, he's easy to talk to, and he makes me feel good about myself (both intellectually and physically). Maybe I'm just a little worried that I feel too vulnerable to have 'no strings attached' sex right now? even if it's only heavy making out, no PIV sex?

I'll see what this day brings and how I'm feeling tomorrow.

edit: just re-read this post and it has 11 variations on the word 'feel' in it. Guess I'm doing a lot of feeling these days, maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time :)
 
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So I did go and see BGuy.. on the way over I very briefly contemplated changing my mind about the no PIV sex. But decided not to think about it until it became necessary to think about. The thing is, C and I are no longer fluid bonded, and he has big issues with condoms, so we haven't had PIV sex since he started sleeping with Molly, and the whole sex thing has become emotionally heavy and difficult between us. I doubt we'll be having 'real' sex in the near future. I think and hope we can bring the fun and playfulness back even with 'just' other forms of sex, but we're not quite there yet.

So that definitely influenced my decision to tell BGuy when we were in bed together 'ok get the condoms' :) and I was so glad I did, we had some awesome sex, fun, warm, light, respectful and hot. He adores my body and is very much turned on by it and knows how to do nice things with it :)

Besides the fact that really good sex made me feel really good, I think it also made such an impact that for maybe the first time in weeks, I felt I was taking things in my own hands, did what I wanted to do, made my own decision about my own body and my own experiences. The shift towards being in a better place had already begun but that night with BGuy really tipped it over the edge. I haven't been panicking or anxious or stressed since. I feel good about C, am looking forward to seeing him this weekend, and am no longer constantly worried he will ' pick her' over me or that I am no longer important to him.

I think it was the week alone, and the night with MrBrown and Liza, and the night with BGuy, all together that finally helped me get some perspective. I feel so much better and calmer.
 
I enjoy reading your blog. I rarely get to comment, but I do hope things continue to go well with BGuy and even C. I am sure you and C will get back to the point of bringing fun and other forms of sex back into your lives. Creativity and time will make that possible. ;)

I am glad that you are taking control. It feels great, huh? I am delighted to read that you are in a better place and feeling less anxious. I hope it continues!

Ry
 
Thanks FoL and nyc! I like blogging here, it helps me focus on things, and I often find that putting the things that happened into words (in a language that is not my own) helps putting my life in perspective. But sometimes is is nice to hear I am not only talking to myself :)

It's Ren's and my wedding anniversary today. We're going to spend the whole day together, first at a spa we both love, then home for one of our favorite dinners and a movie on the couch. This morning when we woke up I said, jokingly: "so, you want to be married to me for a little while longer?" and he looked at me and said "that is the exact same thing I wanted to ask you!" and we both laughed. Even though I enjoyed my much needed time alone, it's good to be back home with him.. we are so very much in sync, we understand each other, and it's so easy to talk to him about everything.

I just talked to my mom on the phone and she said, after I told her about the anniversary plans for today, ' Oh, and tomorrow you're going to [city where C lives] right?' I think i mentioned before we are a family of non-talkers, and her mentioning this in a casual way was pretty huge, I think. I made an extra effort telling her that Ren and I had a great day planned together, I would hate it if she thinks that we are not happy.

Very curious how my weekend with C will turn out. i'll tell him about my date with BGuy and I'm sure he has things to tell me about Molly. I hope we will be able to have fun too, not just serious and heavy conversations.
 
My weekend with C was a lot of things.. fun, difficult, light, heavy. We had some great moments and I had some sadness. I'm getting very tired of the continuous processing - it seems like such a long time ago when we just enjoyed each other, without difficult conversations about jealousy, time management, insecurities, ED, sex, lack of sex, sex with others, etc.

We have a date to see each other for a long weekend a month from now. Usually we see each other every 2 weeks or 10 days, so this will be a long stretch. But I think it will be good.

He is pretty much in turmoil over his relationship with Molly. He keeps going back and forth. The main issue is that she likes him more than he likes her, and that he feel trapped and suffocated by her wish to be mono. Still he enjoys her company and doesn't want to end it. I have no opinion on wether or not he ends it, but I do wish he would be honest with himself and her and make a decision and stick to it. I know thoughts and feelings can change but this back and forth is becoming... I don't know how else to say it: unattractive.

I have a tentative date with MrB next week, I'm really hoping I can get the house to myself for a night and have him over. He hasn't been to my house since last summer.

Ren is in an intense correspondence with a new woman he's met on a poly-dating site. They will probably meet soon. I really like the things he's been telling me about her, and I really like that he's opening up to another possible relationship besides Lou. And it does add a little to my excitement that she lives alone.. a very selfish motive I know, but it would make my life so much easier on so many levels if Ren had a GF he could go visit!

I do feel much less anxious and panicky. I finished a work project I've been working on for a very long time, it's something I did on spec so now I have to wait and see what will come of it. I't poly-related, I can't really tell more about it for fear of jinxing it, but will talk about it when I have news :)

Another thing I've been thinking about:
I have a blog in my own language, which has for a long time (8 years or so) dealt exclusively with a very specific subject (let's say gardening, it isn't, but I don't want to mention the real thing because it's a small world and in the realm of this particular subject, i'm a very very minor celebrity).
Recently I started writing posts that are less about gardening and more about my personal life... not explicitly about poly, but for people who know me and read between the lines it's all pretty obvious. The blog is not anonymous and I'm kind of conflicted about how much I want to reveal there. I'm a writer.. I want to be honest.. but it's not just about me, other people might not want to be as out as I am.

So I think I'll continue being a little cryptic... and have my dad, who reads the blog, ask me puzzled questions what the hell I'm talking about :p
 
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C had a date with Molly last night, and it was the first time since he started seeing her, that it did not make me feel anxious/ jealous/scared.
I was glad he told me about it.

When I saw him this weekend, he told me that she had spent the previous weekend withhim. At the time I did not know that, and I had sent him some messages and pics I definitely would not have sent, had I known she was with him.

I did wonder why his responses were brief. It is SO much nicer to KNOW. So when he told me "I'm seeing Molly on Tuesday" I said I really liked that he told me.

I did not think about it much last night. We had some brief communications this morning, mostly practical, about a weekend we're planning together.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm finally getting to that place where I can let go?
 
Quite possibly. You might be arriving to that place. It probably helped to know certain things. For me, I freak out when it is something I do not know. Once I know, I calm down. :)

Ry
 
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.

Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
 
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.

Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
If you have a particular routine of doing things, changing that routine can take some getting used to.

I have a strange pattern of sleeping myself, but the routine that is being alone, and in my particular bed, I'm very used to. So being in another bed, and/or having someone else cuddled up with me, it takes getting used to. and again when I've gotten used to that, and then gone back to usual.

:)
 
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

My guess is there is a certain amount of exaggeration involved. I sleep just fine, if I'm not lonely. My wife sleeps just fine, if there isn't something she needs comfort for.
 
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.
My boss at work is like that with her husband, though she doesn't brag about it. The bragging part is idiotic. No, it doesn't mean a couple is more solid and more in love or anything like that. I don't think it's healthy either. What a lame thing to boast about. My boss's husband was recently hospitalized for a few days for hip replacement surgery and she got a hotel room near the hospital (which is in the city - they live an hour and a half outside the city). She was complaining that she would be exhausted at work because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without him next to her. And I think she mentioned feeling like she had to barricade the hotel door with something, so I guess she's someone who is afraid to be alone at night. Amazing to me, since she lives in a huge house, like 4000 sq. ft huge. They've been married about 25 years, since she was in her early 20s.

Okay, maybe I have no reason to cite my marriage as something that worked well, because it has ended, but it was a healthy, mutually supportive relationship for a long time before my husband wanted other things. Anyway, he and I could always handle things like going on trips separately. We didn't feel like sleeping apart was such a terrible thing. We'd talk on the phone and miss each other when we we each off doing our own things, but nobody was losing sleep! We embraced whatever was happening in our lives and met it all with an open-minded attitude.

Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
Probably. My husband and I also had no qualms about flirting with and checking out other people. I've often wondered if, had he not been so hell-bent to end it with me over the things he took issue with, we might have one day been okay with poly, because our relationship did work so well for a long time basically because we saw each other as two independent people who just enjoyed each other's company and relied on each other for certain things, but not ALL things.
 
need to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully writing here will help.

A couple days ago Ren and I were talking about something that might or might not happen a year from now, and he said: would you tell C about that if it happened?
And I said 'Of course' but while I said it I felt like a gut reaction, a flash of clarity going through my brain, that said to me: maybe, quite possibly, a year from now, C will no longer have a position in my life where he needs to be told such things.
It was an instinctive reaction which is all the more reason I'm taking it very seriously and have been thinking about it ever since.

I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.

It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.

AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.

Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.

*********************

In other, much better, news, my house and bed and body and kitchen are all prepped for a visit from MrBrown :) Ren is going away with Lou for the night and MrB is coming over for dinner and a sleepover. He hasn't been to my house since August. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him and talking to him, I know he will be able to help me sort through my feelings around C.
 
I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.

It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.

AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.

Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.
I'm in a very similar situation. My boyfriend, who had been single the majority of the time I have dated him, started dating someone at the end of February. Though they had just meet and it sounds like C has known Molly a while, they hit it off amazingly well immediately. He didn't fluid bond with her without talking to me first, but it was very much desired and I felt very much like he thought I was getting in the way of the development of this possibly primary relationship for him (I'm married so while I divided my time pretty evenly, he felt secondary). He has such an intense bond with this woman and things went so fast that I felt scared and confused, especially at the beginning.

I thought we were doing better, he thought I was still being needy and clingy so two weeks ago when I asked for reassurance, things kind of blew up. I have no idea where we stand right now. We've gone from seeing each other a few times a week to having one date night, with no idea if I'll sleep over or just head home after a few hours (I'd been sleeping at his place at least once a week since the beginning of 2012, with it being 3 times a week at the beginning of this year). I'm trying so hard to make these weekly dates just fun, so we can get back to enjoying each other's company. But it's hard not to make them about issues, because we aren't really talking between them (not even as much as you and C, there were a few days last week no communication happened and the rest of the days were mostly just basic communication like what time we were getting together the next day and could you take care of something I forgot to do at your house). I feel lost and confused as to were our relationship is going. It's hard to go from at least telling each other you love each other every day to not communicating much and not saying that anymore.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in struggling with abandonment issues. I'm right there with you. I do think it'll help to try to enjoy your time with him and not spend all of it talking about emotionally laden topics.
 
awesome, awesome date with MrBrown :) still glowing and smiling, he has just left my house. Great talks, some about stuff that is hard for me to talk about, but it seems that with him I can talk about anything. He makes me think, he makes me question, he makes me look at things from a different perspective. Most of all he makes me feel alive, powerful, and strong. I love him :)

I cooked a spectacular dinner that looked like it would serve 4 but he ate most of it. More talks, drinks on the couch, cuddles and kisses, and then some interesting play - there was pain, and in the end I hurt him a little too, which I'd never done before, and it felt quite exhilarating.

there was a very powerful moment where he was doing something I wanted him to stop doing, and I asked him to stop, and he stopped but very slowly, and he asked ' do you trust me' and I was for one very brief moment scared to say yes, because I thought if I trust him and he keeps doing this anyway, then everything between us will be damaged and broken. And then I thought if I give in to that feeling and say I don't trust him it will be broken too, and I DO trust him, even though I'm scared as hell right now, so I said yes I trust you and he stopped and then I broke down and cried out of sheer vulnerability, I felt raw but also really really strong, it was amazing.

he spent the night, we slept in, some sexy time, a slow breakfast, and now he's gone and I'm alone in my house today which hasn't happened for weeks and I'm enjoying every single second! Alone time is the one thing to keep poly people sane I think. :)
 
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I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in struggling with abandonment issues. I'm right there with you. I do think it'll help to try to enjoy your time with him and not spend all of it talking about emotionally laden topics.

I'm sorry you're also going through this Hannah! I had some good talks with my other lover MrBrown (see previous posts) about the whole thing yesterday. He made me realize that what I wrote upthread:

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

is really a twisted way to think about it. It is my responsibility to find the new balance FOR ME. The fact that C is dealing with it differently does not really matter, I have to take care of me and of how I deal with it. The change is happening no matter what and there is nothing I can do about it. It is my false sense of power that is causing the most anxiety. But yeah, accepting the change is hard.. especially if you are not the one who made the choice to change things. I hope things will feel better for you soon.
 
I'm glad that you had such a great date with Mr. Brown. I think it helps, at least for me, to get out of my own head and enjoy what is going on around me instead of being so focused on my anxiety and problems that I don't enjoy the other people in my life. I'm also glad that Mr. Brown was able to give you some perspective on what's going on with C. Finding balance can be hard, especially when you're unsure if your desired balance is what the other person desires too. I hope you're able to find your balance soon.
 
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