GalaGirl: Conversations Already in Progress.

A TENDER MOMENT

In thinking about values, here's another one. In a partner, I value them looking out for me. I want to help look out for them. It's the exchange of support/nurture thing.

DH guards me on stairs automatically. Either going up or going down because in our life together? I've fallen down stairs and hurt myself in both apartments. We bought a flat house. There's no home stairs any more but he still guards me. He's decided I'm terrible at stairs so he walks behind me going up to push gently on my back to stop me from tipping over backward. He walks ahead of my going down so if I need a shoulder to lean on it is there already.

He opens and shuts doors in gentlemanly fashion. He carries things like the shopping. He seats me at tables. It's just how he is. That's his style. I appreciate it. He's not particularly formal. He's not a gentleman. He's a gentle man. I like that.

He rarely gets all stern with me but he has. Once time he grabbed my shirt shove me aside behind him and ordered me to stand still and I got annoyed and he paid me no mind and I had to peer out around him to see what the hell got him all cranked up.

"What?!"

"I don't want you stepping out just yet. There's a weird guy out there right by the exit and until he goes away we're not going out there. Other people are avoiding him too."

And it was true. Some strange man was carrying on in the street and there were other restaurant patrons lingering in their departure waiting for him to drift off. Who knows if the dude was drunk or what? But nobody needs to bump into problems. I hadn't even noticed the guy.

The other morning I woke up all hot. We've been sick. I flung the covers off and was debating getting up to take meds and go back to sleep or just stay up for the day even though it was two hours before the alarm.

Suddenly I felt the heavy hand of Frankenstein in the gloom. It was DH in his sleep reaching out to me and patting my body clumsily. Clonk. Clonk. Then he was patting around the bed. I didn't know what he was doing and watched in fascination. His body was curled up facing away from me in his fav way to sleep. He was just flinging his arm backwards toward me rooting around in the dark.

He flapped his one arm around a bit and found the blanket. He grunted when he found it. Then he threw it back over me and spent some time arm flapping about to get it back on me as full coverage as possible in such an awkward way. He said "Mmm" when it seemed like he was satisfied with the blanket arrangement.

Then I got two pat-pats on my stomach in a vaguely reassuring way and I heard him go "Mwah!" like he was blowing me a kiss. Next he drew his arm back to himself and rolled up back up into side sleeping ball facing away from me. Shortly the snoring started again.

Even in his sleep the man is looking out for me. Oddly touching.

Later I asked him if he remembered doing all that and he said no.

But he grinned and offered this -- "All I know is that you are a blankie pig and if I want blanket myself I have to defend or you will come snatch mine."

He's so weird. Amusing.

Galagirl
 
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ON GENERAL "HAPPY" and "PITFALLS"

Happiness ensues. If you want to know what kind of behavior I've been engaging in that causes happy to ensue?

Having a good time with friends, family, and DH in low key ways.

Day off Thurs with DH while kid was in school. I'm not sure what we did. Probably our fav -- doing nothing in particular. Just got the car fixed and hanging out in each other's company in the day then kid's school party that night.

Friday the kid had off school. We laid low at home but went out to eat and did some shopping. My Abused Friend called and we chatted for an hour after her counseling session. She was needing to talk to get other perspectives.

Saturday was a Halloween party. Chatted up friends while the children ran around. My friend gives an annual Tarot reading and it was fascinating that DH had 9 out of the 15 cards I had. All of mine revolved around things being in balance between two and facing changes well. (Hello, hinge much? :D DH and I shared a private giggle on that perspective. We're not esp "out" though some friends know how things are with us.)

Today was church and kid went to a playdate and we got to lunch date as a couple. Got to pick apart the sermon and enjoy conversation. Came home and he took a snooze while I did some journal writing. Then friend came over to do some homework on my computer and we played some board games after dinner.

All in all? Low key fun. Just the way I like it.

In terms of Engagement work -- we had a lot of just heart to heart talks and what ifs, and covered "Avoid the Pitfalls and Reap the Rewards of Polyamorous Relationships" for this Friday's article o' the week.

It's a sensible bullet list of things to touch on in conversation. I like how it is arranged to be easily digested/accessible.

Both of us were baffled by section 8 though:

Pitfall 8: failing to get what poly demands of us all

  • Romantic involvement with a poly person who is also romantically involved with someone else automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved.
  • Be respectful of other loves place in the life of our mutual love
  • Be cooperative and flexible
  • Be generous with our partner's time and attention
  • Recognizing that what we do that hurts our partner's partners hurts our partner as well
  • It's a package deal
  • Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or preten that other partner's don't exist, you are definitely on shaky ground.

Jedi player, dude. And while I can appreciate all that in a polyamorous context, I was still shaking my head thinking "What the hell? That is normal in ANY healthy relationship. Monoship, polyship, friendship, siblings, parent-child relationship, coworkers, whatever."

If I were to rewrite it that way for "healthy relationship" it sounds so creepy. It's like my brain does the fortune cookie game. Only instead of reading the fortune cookie sentence and automatically adding "in bed" to the end of it? (And my fortune cookie today was "Trust your intuition...in bed." Haha.)

It's like reading that rewritten and tacking on "versus being a psycho nutjob" to the end automatically. Check it out:

Pitfall 8: failing to get what being in healthy relationships demands of us all

  • Being in healthy relationship with someone who also has healthy relationships with other people automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • In healthy relationship, be respectful of other people in your person's life -- other relatives, other friends, romantic partners, coworkers, etc. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • In healthy relationship, be cooperative and flexible. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • In healthy relationship, be generous with your person's time and attention. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • Recognize that what you do/say that hurts your person's people hurts your person too. Don't do that if you want a healthy relationship with your person. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • It's a package deal -- in healthy relationships you can expect that there are other folks in your person's life besides you. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
  • Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or pretend that other people in your person's life do not exist, you are definitely on shaky ground. (Could you be a psycho nutjob?)

Alright. I know I exaggerate.

But dang! What's wrong with people? Don't they think about being in healthy relationship? About remaining in RIGHT relationship with their people?

I just would not have put #1 in the article as "Lack of poly education." I would have made that the #2.

I would have listed "Lack of Basic Personal Relationship Skills" as #1. And that includes relating to YOURSELF.

Emotional maturity and social maturity. You cannot expect to get along well with others without building those maturities up. People will go running for the hills when you show up if you chronically behave like a difficult I-dunno-what.

Lordy. :eek:

We are free to choose how we behave. We are NOT free from the consequences of our behavior.

Galagirl
 
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LOVE your tender moment!! Oh so beautiful!

As for healthy relationship. No- most people don't think about. Everyone would be happier and healthier if they did. But most people are just going through the motions without any consideration of how their actions create the results.
 
ON ORGANIZING INFORMATION AND CONVO SNIPPETS

So over the weekend one of the things I did was organize information. I was also thinking about various convo snippets in the last few months. The conversations are not in chronological order. Just as I muse them over in my head.

Me: Hey. Do you want to read the poly article o' the week in themes or by author? I'm keeping a checklist so I know what was already covered.

DH: Themes?

Me: Really? You want to spend weeks at a time covering jealousy? I mean, going deep isn't wrong. I would just find it exhausting. I was thinking by author. Because then the experience is like pass and repass. See how different authors vary in their perspective on the same major themes. Contrast and compare. Plus the topic changes each week.

DH: Ah. I didn't think of it that way. Let's go author then. I don't think I can take weeks and weeks on the same topic.

Me: Author it is. First up is getting through Anita Wagner.

DH: Ok.
Wagner is at

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

I've been all over that in the past. But WE have not as a couple. So here we go.

Then there was the time I was just musing about "poly being weird" being only as weird as it is in your framework of experience.

Me: For fun you could cruise Kerista or Oneida and then ask me about teenage me going over all that.

DH: What?

Me: Some poly history players. Getting to know your wife's interests and thoughts before you knew her. Or we could talk about concubines I know and their adult kids and grandkids I grew up knowing. That's a poly system I've brushed up on.

DH: Chinese side of the fam?

Me: Yup. Ha. Can I have a second husband? Instead of me being the second wife/first concubine?

DH: Sure. (grinning)

Me: Not that the OTHER side of the fam didn't have it's own dealios.

DH: What family DOESN'T have dealios?

Me: Touche. Nothing new under the sun.


Or me reading things online and suddenly blurting out to him behind me at his desk playing Sims.

Me: Argh. You know what?

DH: What?

Me: We definitely have NOT got a monoship.

DH: Oh?

Me: It's definitely closed polyship of two. Some of this stuff I read just makes no sense to me and does not compute.

DH: Like what?

Me: Like if you come into your own poly-awareness after marriage... and you are not be willing to out yourself to your spouse? What kind of crap is that? The spouse has not created safe emotional climate for you? They were shirking in their duty then. To you and to the marriage.

DH: Some people aren't comfortable with emotional intimacy?

Me: But flip it. What kind of spouse are YOU then, witholding critical information about yourself from your spouse? That's brushes up on lies of omission. What kind of marriage climate are YOU creating of false sense of belief? The other guy cannot mind reader you. Shirking duty. To them and to the marriage.

DH: That's to do with basic relating. That's nothing with mono/poly being together. It's just wrong.

Me: How can mono/poly be together without honest relating? What the hell? Everything to do with it. It IS wrong.​

He just looked at me, shrugged. I started to laugh. He went back to his game and I went to my 'net surfing. It was one of those "pretty bowl / pretty fish" moments where we arrive at the same conclusion but from different perspectives/journeys.

Took the kid to play and while she was boing-boinging around and we were sitting watching her and other children run amok I grinned at him and scooted closer on the bleachers so my thigh was pressed up against his.

Me: See that? I'm flirting.

DH: Ooh. I can do that too.

Me: Oh?

DH: (leaning in to whisper in my ear) What if I told you I love it when you get all wet when you think about being in a Good Share?

Me: Ack!

DH: Because I know you do. It turns your crank.

Me: Yay. Turn my crank! Share me!

DH: I bet. (laughing)

Me: Like it doesn't turn yours.

DH: Never said it didn't. You know it does. You just like it when I twiddle your brain.

Me: That's all it ever needs to be, brain twiddler.​

Talking in the shower about Abuse Friend and their ongoing saga.

Me: I don't know. I think divorce would be best all around. She wants to try to work it out with CHANGES in behavior. That's their business but oy. Drama.

DH: I would not be up for that.

Me: Me either. But again -- their business. Not my life. Sigh. I know I wouldn't go there.

DH: Yup. You wouldn't. They were not realistic at all about Opening. Especially Opening when Broken.

Me: Ugh. Let's not do that.

DH: We're not broken.

Me: So? Let's agree ANYWAY.

DH: Alright. No Opening broken!

Me: Maybe we go through all this Engagement and decide not to Open anyway.

DH: So? I'm enjoying the process. I like being Open to you. I like knowing you in other ways.

Me: We could Open and it never comes to pass.

DH: So? Same difference. Already I see benefit to improved communication.

Me: Same. It's too easy to get slacker on communication.

Me: Sad.

DH: What?

Me: That people seem to expect not to have to tend their marriage. Like you get to the altar and that is it! Sealed for life! Never have to work on it again or tend it or anything.

DH: Lame. It has to be tended.

Me: Agreed. Tend to me.

DH: Ooh!

Me: (laugh) Perv.

DH: Yay!​

Now my Abused Friend just called. Coming over. I don't know what new tales of strange I'm going to hear. Sigh.

I really wish other people had happy marriage like I do. We're not always sunshine and rainbows every second of the day. (Moodlet.) But overall? The umbrella meta-mood? It's pretty sunny and bright. We're good. Solid. Comfortable. In love. Understand each other. The sight of him walking into the room STILL makes me light up after all these years. I hear his key in the lock at the front door and sometimes I run screaming to the door just like the kid does. "Dadddy!" she yells. Only I yell "Lover!"

Whee! :D


(DH -- love you, kid. And happy anniversary. 19 years this week. :) )


Galagirl
 
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I really wish other people had happy marriage like I do. We're not always sunshine and rainbows every second of the day. (Moodlet.) But overall? The umbrella meta-mood? It's pretty sunny and bright. We're good. Solid. Comfortable. In love. Understand each other. The sight of him walking into the room STILL makes me light up after all these years. I hear his key in the lock at the front door and sometimes I run screaming to the door just like the kid does. "Dadddy!" she yells. Only I yell "Lover!"

Whee! :D

Yes! This.

We have had our stormy days - and the weeks we spent recuperating from my "Jackassery" were TOUGH. But, really, I look at the marriages of our friends and I am sad...I would not want to be married like that. :(

JaneQ

PS. Even my mini-panics of yesterday - because MrS is out of town and I can't have my "touch -reassurances" from him (our new mock-game is that I store my reassurance inside his left elbow...because that is the place I can reach when he is at his desk and I am on the couch :p) - just reminds me how cherished I am on a daily basis. (In response to my anxiety: Last night I got a "long-distance tucking-in" phone call from MrS, Dude cuddled me awake this am and had my coffee and morning-routine items laid out on my desk waiting for me, and I got a "good morning" text from MrS...today was a good day!)
 
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ON POLYAMORY 101 AND AN ABUSE VENT

Article o' the week was Polyamory 101.

It was a short easy read. Nothing we did not already know. DH said it would be nice as an overview to a book and then later go deeper into each chunk. I don't know that Anita Wagner is planning a book or not but I like her writing.

We both liked the article as a basic overview thing. Plain and simple. That's a good thing.

That said? It's was kind of weird reading for last night given the circumstances. Like one end of the spectrum to another.

[...]

I basically had a good but tiring day. DH was so tired he came home to crash after work while kid and I were off to hang with some friends. When I got home I was looking forward to getting the kid into bed and then later spending time with DH. When I walked in the door and the phone rang? I just KNEW it was Abused Friend. Some feeling I had.

I was right, but I didn't guess it was going to be like THIS!

She sounded terrible! She told me that she told her estranged husband that evening that it really is OVER (again) and he went bonkers (again -- second time) and was making a scene on the street. RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE!

I won't detail the rest. I don't want to write too much about my friend's personal drama unfolding. I don't want to put her at risk as she sorts her life out. But my experience of it? Surreal! :eek:

It was a strange experience for me "holding her hand" via phone while the whole thing was going down. She had to hang up but then called back later to tell me he went away...for now. I am really worried for her. She's got to deal with ongoing creepy from estranged man. Ugh.

DH tells me he doesn't think the guy is more than bluff. Which is bad enough at verbal abuses but still. He thinks she's safe. He also says he thinks this guy is behaving all kinds of wrong -- it is NOT his business any more. What she does or does not do is HER business. They are OVER as a couple and it's just sorting out legalities at this point.

I tell him "I sure hope so. This is one time where I want to be SO WRONG. But the leaving time is the dangerous time." I want to believe she is safe but I cannot know. Extreme jealousy is fucking scary. I told her I worry and WHY. She knows the leaving time is the hardest time.

So it was pretty weird to be reading such a basic article last night on opening up right at bed time with DH after catching extreme weird by phone shortly before. The article doesn't touch the impact of extreme jealousy and it doesn't really have to in such a basic article. But I do wish articles on jealousy did include warnings on extreme jealousy and how to recognize "normal jealousy" from "extreme jealousy."

Hell... Do NOT abuse! Teach abuse recognition! Learn to recognize abuse! Society as a whole could improve on doing this. :mad:

It was him who brought up the Opening Up thing to her too. How's that for taking the cake? He is the one that wanted to open and trips out when she handles it better? Ugh. Was it supposed to be some kind of "test?"

I'm worried. I really hope his extreme jealous does not go to the place of "If I cannot have her, nobody can!" Scary. I called her today and she says she's as best as can be under circumstances. I'll call her again later to check in. Things are very tense for her.

Argh. I HATE THIS.

Sigh.

Galagirl
 
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ON BEING HAPPY (SMALL UPDATE)

And the behavior lately that ensues in "happy" this week:

Some quiet time alone with DH at work and child at school. I enjoy silence. It is welcome, esp after last week with Abused Friend stories. I don't mind being supportive, but I also need time on my own "restore to balance."

Went out with a different friend (who is amused and tells me I'm all "den mom" to our circle of friends.) We are growing a friendship so it was nice to clock some time there.

I'm not the only den mom but yes, that is part of my personality. Even in college, it felt at times I was "den mom" to THAT group of friends. I take after my own mother -- over-responsible.

Over the years I learn to just LISTEN and let people figure it out on their own rather than assume responsibility for things not in my turf.

We went to a Whole Foods tasting/workshop thing and got to sample some interesting foods. Then when I took her home we had a nice long chat about life, the universe and everything. It's nice we're working on building our relatively new friendship.

Saw my parents, and it turned out fine
. For the 2nd time in a row I went in dreading it and I talked myself into a realistic zone with the mantra of "Expect little, forgive much" on the drive over and apart from minor annoyance from my mom about my hair the visit was fine. I steered away from election/political talk and kid was her boing boing self and the visit was relatively short -- about an hour because afternoon errands sucked up some time and then we had to get home to dinner. All things (adjusted attitude, short duration, avoid charged topics with patient dad) added up to "actually enjoyable!"

I always worry on some level about my mentally ill father having a cow, and then having to deal with talking him down from a panic attack while riding out my OWN building anxiety but so far he's been low key. I've dealt with dad cows before -- I actually deal with them fine. I can set my anxiety aside and deal with the crisis. I just don't like dealing with my OWN postponed ARGH when I get home and clearing out the hormone dump of "fight or flight" from my system for a few days after. It feels grody to me. Ugh.

I'm still not satisfied with mom about some points of his care but really? I'm not going to sue her for custody of him either. That goes back to not being over-responsible. He's her husband, she's the primary caregiver right now -- not me.

Still chipping away at chaos in the house, but enjoying having more space since we carted crap off to storage. Friend's coming tomorrow to help.
Having him help makes things MOVE forward even in baby steps. Yay. Laundry is the main challenge right now -- trying to launder and give stuff away the kid outgrew, we no longer use, etc. Fixing one side of the closet shelves would help so I have to get on that.

Looking forward to date with DH Friday night.
We have babysitting in place and now it is deciding where go for dinner/movie. I don't even care where. I just want to go eat somewhere that does NOT have a kiddie menu and watch a movie that is NOT rated "G." :)

Some of my volunteer work needs tending and falling a bit behind but I'm happy with it -- school, church, women's group. The pace is not demanding at all.

So basically I'm happy when my life problems are minor (water heater, plumber) and my relationships (friends and family and DH) are chugging along well, and volunteer work isn't in crisis mode.

I just don't like things going all crisis mode on me and I know which parts I can control and which parts I cannot and mostly I manage to arrange my life in such a way right now that I'm not experiencing crisis things of my own.

So I'm feeling successful -- in my own anxiety management. Go me!

Galagirl
 
Just Checking In

No poly article of the week this week. Date instead.

Which was fun in a low key way -- initially it was dinner/movie but it ended up as dinner/visit adult store because we wanted to chat and pull out of date mode at any time in case we were needed at home or if I started feeling ugh. (Not feeling great.)

So we enjoyed the cheap diner eats and the long drive out and back. We hadn't been as a couple in a long time to this particular store so it was fun to see how everything had changed.

I don't remember what we talked about in great detail. It was just mellow. I do remember talking about NRE/ORE balance and neither of us being especially keen on "veto" powers. Give input, be considered but not veto.

He made me laugh when he told me "I trust and value your input in other areas of my life -- why not this?"

I'd still expect him to make his own choices and me mine. But it is reassuring to know he wants to hear me. I know I'd want to hear him.

When I stop to check on any vomitous anxiety feelings? Most of them are still.

We're both enjoying a crush of mine on a mutual friend -- and he's got a bit of liking in that direction too. That's fun to fantasize on. It's also fun to hang out with friend because I know he's watching me squirm in pleasure.

It's a safe fun way to explore some feelings there with the "what iffing."

Of course, everything going in the positives because that's more fun to "what if."

I have to ask him to what if some negatives with me. What if I DID get together with this crush person and we broke up and I was all moody pants. How would HE be? Balancing his own friendship with person and my ugh and their ugh?

That's part of keeping it real. To me anyway.

Galagirl
 
ON CHANGE

I've thought about this a few times but haven't managed to post it.

My College Age Friend ended up calling after dumping a mess at me over Facebook. Mutual friends and I tolerate her acting out times but it's wearing thin. I know she's got anxiety and stress but dude. It's college. It is adult living. What do you expect? There is always something going on in Life! Who is conflict free? Dead people? Sheesh.

With the things you can control? Change! Stop overscheduling self. Plan resting times. Get enough sleep, eat well. See your doctor about treating your anxiety in appropriate ways.

The stuff you cannot control? Don't try! Let go of unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, wishing other people would do X. They control them, not you. Don't like how they run their ship? Steer your own away and don't hang out with them then!

Mind boggling. :confused:

"It is not that simple!" I hear.

When actually? It IS. Willingness may not be there to make a change. Change may be hard to feel. But the actions for change are dead simple. You choose to do something different. Choose. Do. There. Done.

Sit back and see what happens next. There's always another round and another choice around the bend.

“Life is a crap game, two bits a shot. When you’re cold, you’re cold and when you’re hot, you’re hot.” ~Loose Lips, Rita Mae Brown

Galagirl
 
ON BEING RESILIENT AND HANG TIME

College friend is feeling better. She weathered the internal storm, made some concrete plans, and checked in to tell me the plans. I told her I was proud of of her and wished her luck as she takes a stab at the new changes. Hopefully she will come to find that regardless of outcome, she CAN handle things and make choices. Thus become more resilient.

And more confident in herself handling things in Life. Start with the small stuff that seems more doable first then be willing to stretch and grow and raise the bar a bit. Good challenges. Strive for practice, development of a skill, betterment in execution, progress made. That good stuff.

And side benefit? More self esteem. To increase your own self esteem? You do esteem-able things. Making choices, and choosing well and coming to find you can HANDLE whatever it is? That's certainly something to take a pride in and certainly something esteem-able.

(Meta: God. Sometimes I feel like I'm just channeling CRONE. )

I tried to explain to her how I deal with it, but what works for me to pull a “phoenix-rising-from-ashes” moment off may not be her style. She's actually got to work it out for herself. I told her to decide something, anything, and see it to the end. It's fine if it isn't the end all be all thing, but it is SOMETHING. One baby step FORWARD is better than staying still in quagmire. Move it!

Worry about fine tuning direction later, just “out of stuck-ness” is good enough for now!

Abused Friend (I need to rename her at some point since she's left abuse and transforming... hrm) took me out for coffee. She told me she's feeling better in general and things since the last drama-fest from estranged husband have been dead silent. She's actually enjoying being on her own and has realized she's happier without him.

DH pointed out to me later in the shower that while they separated in late summer, this is the first week she's been without him -- like ZERO contact. For days on end. QUIET. Before it was email or phone witter every moment several times a day so she really couldn't actually experience quiet “being free of him-ness” til now. His was making himself felt EVERYWHERE before via phone, email, in person, etc.

That made sense to me. Because she confessed that initially she thought they could repair and get back together but now she's finding she is happier on her own. Sad, moving through grief stages, but not a wreck. She's got worries about future, but she's coping.

I nodded and just accepted whatever she wanted to share and praised wherever I could praise -- she's holding her new job, schoolwork, socializing, attending support group, etc. May not be the end all be all, but def baby steps forward and moving toward less stinky!

I will have to admit there's a large part of me that is breathing "Oh, thank heaven!" because then I don't have to endure too much more drama at her side and fretting about her safety. It's not over til it is over, but I can allow myself a small breather and hope there is no more drama ahead.

There's the “minutia and tedium of splitting up stuff-ness” to come still, but that's hopefully not going to drag on forever. (Another part of me wonders if this is another estranged husband tactic -- like she cannot move a divorce forward if he's just "unreachable" or something. And he IS going to drag it on forever. But she's pretty realistic about that possibility.)

That was all on the 15th. Today? I hung out with three friends for brunch. We stayed there yammering for 4.5 hours! Clearly there was a lot of catching up to do! It was another kind of panty show. I'm not willing to show my panties to everyone but with certain friends sure – worries about eldercare, my own health, the kid and her development. Things with me and spouse are good, but worries about my plumbing and repairs costs. The others had panty shows like worries about dating or health or employment or dating and retirement planning and a lawyer need for estate stuff.

All of these friends have hopefully come through their personal hoo-has this week, clocked some baby steps forward, and thus have also clocked some notches on their "I can handle my shit, I am resilient" yardstick.

My circle of friends is changing this year. I know part of it is me – I've been changing my talk to more formal communication with DH. Bucket check ins just rub off on others people. I've also just been more willing to get all up in people's stuff. Not rude but just inquire. So. How ARE you? Really. You. Not a platitude. Not a hi/bye type greeting. But seriously. I care to know. How are YOU?

And just listening. I know I'm good at talking. I like to yammer. Not as much as my mother or my kid but I do love to talk. I'm trying to see how good I am at listening and processing and learning from others and their experiences.

When I look within, I'm pretty resilient. I don't love crisis. I don't love having to endure and put up with wacko needlessly. But if I find myself in crisis and I have to endure whatever it is -- well, bring it. Hang Time at the Forge!

In Tarot, call it the Hanged Man card.
http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/hanged.htm

Been there. Done that. Many times before. Though with familiarity, it doesn't bother me. I welcome Hang Time. The tiny moment of stillness in a pendulum swing before things go back the other direction. Acceptance. I took it as far as possible for now. So it's not my problem any more until it is my problem again. Suspension.

Having DH around helps in those times. So do friends -- steam valve conversations to let go of some pressure.

How I talk to myself inside my head helps -- I don't really spend a lot of time feeding the black dog. It's more like

"ALRIGHT! FINE! It is what it is right now! So how to best get me OUT of this and into a better space? Breathe. Still yourself. LISTEN. Then decide and do. You know the drill. Let's go! On with the process. It is hang time now so bloody well HANG and just choose to HANG ON bloody well."

Let soul squirm and do what it has to freakin' DO. It doesn't speak loud of often but when the soul bucket is choosing to speak up, LISTEN.

Crisis is a MOMENT of coming change. The critical crux, the turning point.

Life is constant changes big and small. So WHAT if I am in crisis? Face it and choose to learn to cope.

Meta: Amused. When DH first met me I was such an angry young woman that when face with other people's suffering I could only listen but so much before I'd get annoyed and go “Wah! My pussy hurts!” So “face it and choose to learn to cope.” sounds so much nicer to me than the old me but the me is still me.

I've lived long enough to know when soul bucket runs dry, best to fill it up then. One tends to one's spiritual health just like any other bucket and the means by which you do it? That's also up to you. But don't get caught in crisis with a bone dry soul bucket. If you do? Fill it up first so you can be sustained in a Hang Time.

My kid has that CD in the car with Eric Bibb on it. It happened to come on. It fit really well today with the idea of being resilient and bouncing back.

Just Keep Goin' On.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zRtpX60XD0&feature=share

Chorus

Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on


Take every knock as a boost
And every stumbling block as a stepping stone
Lift up your head and hold your own
Just keep goin' on


I say to every young woman
Also to every young man
Sometimes you get discouraged
Don't stop and wring your hands
Your privilege cannot be taken
Your rights cannot be banned
If someone like me can make it
I know you can
 
HANG TIME

Interesting head space. Lovely Thanksgiving holiday with family and friends. DH and I continue in a kooshy space that is warm and loving.

Stark contrast to Abused Friend -- who asked me to drive her to the courthouse today to file her divorce papers now that's she's ready with finances and whatnot.

So I drive.

And I try to be supportive today in whatever capacity I am called on to be even though a place in my stomach is all UGH with anxiety.

Galagirl
 
HURTING HEAD

Ugh. That was one of the longest days of my life. I told my friend I hope she understands that I don't go around doing this type stuff for just anybody. Lord.

Long story short? The Judicial machine is rolling -- restraining papers served, court date set, divorce papers obtained and hopefully Formerly Abused Now Divorcing Friend will fill out and return on her own tomorrow now that she see the courthouse is largely a boring place. Marble. Brass. Paintings. Lines. Lobbies. Offices. Paper pushing from one end to the other.

EMOTIONALLY it is hard, but the realities? Office tedium.

I was as stoic, agreeable, cheerful, and encouraging as I could be for her at each office and over each form filled out. Inside? I was grumpy, bored, worried, anxious, and I don't know what all now that I am home. It was a full spectrum emotion kind of day.

I have to digest it. My idea of fun is not spending 9 to 5 at a courthouse shuffling paper about waiting on judges to answer. But it must be done. So it was.

Galagirl
 
ON DIVORCE

Not really much to say. Most of my brain power is going to Divorcing Friend and aiding her in appropriate support.

There's stuff only SHE can do like banking and calling specific people with personal ID info/ personal knowledge. Other stuff she fobs on me to do for her.

  • Make phone calls anyone can make for her. Like gathering general info calls anyone could inquire about. (I can't call the bank asking about her accounts. She has to that. I can call around to shop for a nicer cel phone plan.)
  • Type things she needs typed for court.
  • Help her inventory assets and prepare for mediator.
  • Listen to her vent frustration, upset, guilt, grief.

I try to keep my own frustration, upset, annoyances to myself and air them out to DH or other people who live in other states -- a friend, my sister. So here? When I have to be present here?

I can maintain a calm "this too shall pass" mode as best as I am able for her.

I told a friend last night in a venting chat that if/when DH and I open part of our agreement is to just divide it up NOW. She laughed and said "I believe you. But you guys are sane about these things."

Just get it all together for the simple divorce form so if it comes to pass? It HAS to be a split on the romance end of it? There we chose to go together then. Fast, sorted, agreed to, and moving us to the healing place ASAP. Where we can hopefully be friends, co-parents, co-grandparents in future and not spend ages in the ugh place prolonging suffering.

This whole business is tiresome and distasteful.

This is NOT the way to Open.

NOT the best way to divorce.

It is not just getting ugly -- it IS ugly.
 
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GRATEFUL

Divorce forms galore continue.

Friend is grateful and thanks me often. I accept it and tell her not to worry. Inside I think the only thanks I need is to know she's finally free and safe from this wacky mess.

I worry.

My sister told me a kind thing -- that of all people she knows, I go the extra mile in helping others. Even if things around them are totally messed up or they make poor decisions... Somehow I manage to still value the person. That's not a common trait and that I'm very generous/compassionate. So of course I'm going to be feeling all "argh" at some points in the journey. It's hard to endure with people. So much easier to walk away.

Unexpected compliment from that quarter. I have to digest that later.

Last night DH and I snuggled under covers and he listened to me vent a bit and held me in his arms.

He was cleaning his desk earlier and handed me a love letter I wrote him back when I was 25 years old. He keeps the oddest things. I'd forgot I wrote that for him then. I smiled and grew misty reading it -- visiting old me loving old him. Then I told him I felt like ought to be adding the "PS" to it now that it's been so many years hence. Maybe I ought to add a "PS" now and every decade later?

So grateful for that man. He found an old picture of us around then and left it in a frame on my desk. I am amused looking at us in our young 20's peeping at me under the glass.

Oy. Life.

I wouldn't have it any other way -- fabulous SWEET spots, and then the really intense patches making the sweet spots that much sweeter when they happen for the comparison.

Con amor, con gusto, y con brio!

Galagirl
 
LONG DAY

Another day spent hanging around the courthouse. I'll refrain from sharing too many things about my Divorcing Friend. It's enough to say it's small progress -- but we're not done here yet. She was upset and crying and I don't know what. Sigh.

I find great comfort in my spouse. He's solid, he's sane, he's giving me the support I need. I find great comfort in my other friends. They also are supporting me as I support another.

My ethics and values get tested and it's a great comfort to know I've got my own head screwed on right.

Totally a Kipling kind of day. And I don't even like poetry. Sigh.

GG
------------
If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~Kipling
 
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SELF RESPECT

Been busy.

Still have Divorce Friend touching base but she's moved on to live with another friend in hiding til her new apartment is ready. (Don't want crazy estranged husband to know where she lives.)

Still have SAHM friend who struggles with boundaries/anxiety touching base.

The rest of my friends are doing ok -- their problems are like mine. Annoying, but easily fixable.

I'm lucky enough to be dealing in tangible problems rather than "relationship" or "work" issues. Yes, the plumbing! Plumber came, AC came, remodel measurements guy came. The whole "Stop this water damp and make two new bathrooms" project inches forward. I'm hoping for a Xmas bathroom. Maybe a New Year's one. Let's GO!

But being in a front row seat trying to support Divorce Friend and SAHM friend in their separate but related struggles has been interesting.

I used to say "If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things!"

My feeling on that hasn't changed but I read an article that gave me pause to reflect on how I express that sentiment. I'd been surfing online trying to find something uplifting to send to both of those two to encourage them.

Self-esteem is based in what you think.
Self-respect is based on what you do.
stuck out for me from the article.

When I measured it against my own
"If you want good self esteem, do esteemable things"

what I thought was a clear statement became even clearer to myself.

I deeply believe that feelings ensue after behavior. All day long we choose things, choose how to behave in the circumstances. That leads to feelings. Which leads to the next set of circumstances to choose the next behavior.

Self esteem and self respect are interlinked for me.

So what I MEAN when I say the above is
"If you want good self-esteem, behave in self-respecting ways."

Cool. I got an update in clarity of expression. I still think the same thing. I can just now say it better.

Shiny Thoughts. So much fun to think! :)

Sometimes I use the old fashioned phrase of "That is not flattering to you" when assessing someone's behavior or conduct. What I mean is "choose to behave in self-respecting ways."

It's fine to let one's hair down and run around being silly once in a while. But know time and place, please. Definitely don't run around like that Estranged Husband doing all kinds of wackadoodle! (Understatement: Ugh. Soooo not self respecting behavior! )

The article also had this stand out quote to me.

Self-respect is based on what you do. And it is an ongoing effort. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, it is about what you are doing now. It is important to realize that these actions are concrete and measure up to external standards of good behavior, accomplishment and cause for admiration. You don't just think of yourself as a good person, you walk the talk. You take extra time and effort to be a good person to others.

That also means being a good person to YOURSELF. Not selfish, but honoring your own well being and choosing behaviors to support that.

That's my SAHM friend. I tell her over and over to buck up and change her behavior and see if she feels better.

See if her self esteem improves if she breaks up with so called "friends" than drain her because she is choosing self-respecting behavior then. To not associate herself with toxic people! To decide she deserves to be around nourishing, supportive people.

To get involved in her community and participate and not be all cabin fever with walls closing in on her. Because she is choosing self-respecting behavior by engaging with other people, donating her time to give something back, to preserve her mental health and to improve the world she lives in. Rather than choosing less than self-respecting behavior and staying like a shut in where she slowly goes potty with cabin fever! Shoot -- go pet and clean the cats at the animal shelter! You like cats!

To go get a check up at the doctor for depression, vitamin deficiency, hormones, etc . Because she is choosing self respecting behavior and caring for her body and mind with that action. See the dentist while at it!

DH and I were at Denny's on Sunday and we were going over Divorcing Friend since she was coming over later that night to practice her court statement on us.
He shook his head and told me (again) that for us to Open, there would have to be respect all around. It's a line in the sand with him. I re-agreed! That's always been there.

Divorcing Friend and her Estranged Husband? Their Opening and expectations and attitudes? Just seemed lacking in respect/sef-respect to me in some places.

On the other hand, her taking serious steps to be rid of him and his abuses? It's a hard row to hoe. And she's doing it anyway! That's self-respecting behavior in spades.

Later Monday night after the whole court day DH and I were working on a puzzle talking about this whole "self-esteem vs self-respect" thing.

It's a subtle, subtle trip at first. To make excuse for someone else's bad behavior. Anyone can have a bad day. But if the person constantly crosses boundaries the answer is not to move the boundary back or excuse them. It's to call into account. Either THEM for the bad behavior or YOURSELF for choosing to engage with this person to begin with. Or BOTH.

Because if you do that enough times... making excuse for their bad behavior toward you? And you STAY in the line of fire for more?

Your OWN self esteem and self respect takes the dings. Then it's even harder to get out of the pit.

Oy.

Galagirl
 
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TECHNIQUE: PICTURE CHARTS TO POINT TO

Just an observation.

A college age friend and I were chatting about her babysitting my kid, her school, her new job, etc. She was telling me how when she's feeling ok and all her needs met she's a lot like my kid -- totally into people and interested in what's going on with them. "People person, taking an interest" kind of vibe.

My kid is very into people. So into them it borders on nosy -- kid hates to miss anything!

Today I noted that I'm in that zone.

There's all kinds of wacky going on. Plumber came round to make holes in the wall to dx my pipe problems. Mom called to yammer at me about the family and its problems. Holiday stresses and things not yet done. Freecycling things out of here. People coming tomorrow to help with crazy house things. Errands, laundry, reports all not completed. I have to do groceries again for several celebration potluck things. My garden is neglected, my kid is energetic and running amok even while sick and coughing all over me. Spouse is trying to wrap things up at work before holidays and looking kind of run down so I'm concerned.

If my needs weren't met? All this stuff going on would make ma CRAZY. I'd feel sucked dry. I could not hover at that "self-transcendance" zone on Maslow's needs. Where I think beyond my own self.

College friend says she doesn't agree with all of Maslow theories. I agreed with her but pointed out easy tools like that where you and the person can LOOK at the same picture and just point and go "I'm here" makes finding common ground/language so much quicker sometimes. As just a tool, it's incredibly helpful.

So's the emotional guidance scale.

So's the "feeling faces" and all its versions you often see at the doc office, especially in children's doc office rooms. This one's one of the largest I've seen online. That kind of picture guide dovetails nicely with a feelings inventory list of words. Which in turn goes with the needs inventory.

There's a compare and contrast of emotion. Or Plotchik's wheel that presents emotions as this plus that one makes this one.

Most of the time, I know what I feel when I feel it. I can usually describe it to someone else and articulate it. (Usually spouse.) But I'm not really great at explaining how emotion A can lead to emotion B or C for me.

I can feel great passion of emotion (ex: anger) and it is easy for me to change gears to great passion of emotion (ex: lust, sex). But that's an easy one. The more subtle inner chess moves is what I would like to understand better about myself.

I've lived with the man for nearly two decades and I pretty much know most of DH's "tells" -- he's a lot more subtle creature than me.

One of the fascinating things to me in contemplating Opening is the reality of dealing with learning someone new. Their way of going. And appreciating for who they are in their context. Having to find common language and build relationship up, build trust up. From ground ZERO. Not just toward a friendship but beyond that point into more.

Is it fun? Or is it a pain in the ass? Or both? Heh.

DH and I did make it to non-violent communication class this month. The exercises there revolved around expressing needs as requests rather than demands. And when expressing the need, giving the full picture -- who, what, when, where, how and why.

Rosenberg doesn't describe it that way, but I would just to help me remember to "fill in the gaps."

It's fascinating to me to listen to the man.

Galagirl
 
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HAPPY

Just wanted to note random things that bring on "happy" for me for times when I need to remember that.

Everyone having a cold is a slight bummer, but nothing horrible. Dealing with the annoying bathrooms is a slight bummer, but nothing horrible. I like my problems being low key like that. It's a welcome relief from all the drama in the last few months while supporting Divorcing Friend.

To my knowledge, estranged husband is leaving her ALONE finally. So maybe it was worth all the courthouse hassle then. I hope she gets her things in order for the divorce hearing coming up and it passes fast. We have to help move her later in the week to the new flat.

Winter solstice and Christmas activities with family and friends were pleasant. More tiring than usual because of the illness factor, but fun.

DH being off work is nice -- especially since we got to spend time alone before school let out. I arranged a few babysits here and there to be alone during the school break also. Even just running errands alone is nice. I get to talk to him without kid being in ear shot and that matters to me. Having time to talk without kiddie interruptions.

Last night I was laying on the couch reading while he was tinkering around with his robot making (for the kid) and this is one of the things I've always enjoyed. Being in the same room together. Even though we're both pursuing the things we enjoy on our own.

I told him to come over and love me at one point when he was getting up to get a drink or something.

He came over to me and obliged my sitting next to me and stuffing his fingers in between my toes tickling feverishly. I laughed and squidged my foot under the cushion. He grabbed it and kept on. I waved my leg about shrieking. He went after the other foot.

I was expecting him to "love me" by kissing my cheek or biting my neck. He hasn't gone for a toe tickle frenzy in a long time so that was amusing. Tickling is a kind of intimate touching -- as adults we really don't spend a lot of time tickling other people unless it is a partner or one's children or grandchildren. It's touching reserved for special people in our lives. I don't tickle the bank teller. YKWIM?

I was finishing the book I gave him for Christmas when I was reading on the couch. I can't remember when it began first. It seems to me it was near or after child appeared. But we have this now traditional exchange of Christmas gifts not fit for kiddie eyes. This year we gave each other naughty reading.

This morning I woke naturally to sun filtering in from the window. I felt rested. I felt content. Everyone else was still sleeping, so I got to wake up at my prefered pace rather than BANG! Hit the floor running and pack lunches and launch people off to hither and yon.

I got to flirt with DH and snuggle him awake.

I got the kid up by getting into bed with her and wrapping her up with her fleece blanket like a sausage. She enjoyed the tickling and goofing about -- especially when she managed to pin me down and "chin" my back. She knows that tickles. I was yelling for Daddy but no help came. I had to just get up and let the kid hang on me as best she could and shake her off me.

One day she will be too old for hijinks like that -- both in size and she won't even want it any more. I can still manage piggy backs like that, and DH can still do shoulder rides. I definitely cannot do shoulders any more and the day will come when he won't be able to either.

In conversation with the child we both noted her vocabulary expanding and this is amusing.

We went out to do errands and while people were out, you could tell it was holiday time. The streets are quieter. We ate lunch and the restaurant wasn't nearly as jammed as it otherwise would be. I wasn't going to order coffee but when DH did I couldn't resist. That too is a small pleasure -- the smell of a good roast.

Summary?

I like not being rushed.

I like quality time with my people. Be with the people I want to be with rather than the people I have to go see.

I like not having a long laundry list of things to do.

I like the opportunity to have things be unplanned.

I like the opportunity to be BORED. It's only when boredom could happen that I get to engage in creative things so as not to BE bored. Get to do the things I want to do rather than the things I have to do -- read, write, plan my garden, think about sewing things, make things with/for the kid.

Galagirl
 
EMOTIONAL FLOODING

Had one. I'm still trying to pull it apart to see where I went wrong in my anxiety management.

It was Thursday night.

I was upset and wanting validating. Basically "There, there. Poor baby. Yes, I see you are upset and frustrated. You will be ok."

But I could not express this need clearly. DH is very good at "There, there" if I walk up to him and go "Could you please 'there, there me?' right now? I feel ____."

The problem at the time is that I did not KNOW that was the need. I was still processing data dump in my brain to figure out WHAT the need was and I got interrupted midstream and it all backlogged in my head and I got all in a flooding mess.

And in my trying to get a handle on it, (new process) I have to peel off the onion layers of what bugs me and see if all the feels have an express.


The remodel bugs me, I'm sick of scheduling estimate people coming over here. I was tired, and instead of doing resting things before bed I was online looking up contractor info which is me feeding my frustrated and not me feeding my rest-y.

The kid was having nightmares and dealing in kid needs when my own oxygen mask is not on drives me nuts. In hindsight, I wish DH would to do me what I did for her. She was crying about a nightmare and how hard it is to be 8, and he was pat patting her back while I was talking to her and telling her that "YES! It is hard to be 8! You will be ok. Lots of ages are hard, even my age is hard. But you will be ok. It will pass. You can handle it."

So he's asking me what's on my mind and I'm trying to deliver that request by
listing and he gets annoyed at me like I'm doing a bitchfest.

When on my end I'm not trying to do a bitchfest. I'm trying to use directional tether to get myself OUT of the flooding. He gave me a direction. So I'm trying to meet it.

Then he shoved me back in to the recursive loop frustrated place by getting snippy at me. Which sent me into a more hurt space because why am I coming to him for "there there" to alleviate hurt only to receive another load?

Get me OUT of the drowning pool dude, don't throw rocks at me.

He gives me a direction I try to meet and I'm trying to meet it! If that direction is not the one you want to use -- give me a different direction.

I was so muddled and confused at the time. Then I was the place of...

Did we not just make a plan last time? What happened to the plan? If I'm on fire, I have to BRING you the fire extinguisher plan? The on fire person is supposed to do that? Aren't I doing all I can NOT to spread the fire? Dude! If I could put it out myself, I wouldn't be seeking you out.

It wasn't major. But it felt like pissing contest.

"I feel overwhelmed!" I go.

I WANT him to tell me "Yes! I see that you are overwhelmed! There, there!" Why is it hard for him to just SEE me and validate me?

Instead he goes "I'm overwhelmed too!"

In normal conversation, that's making conversation.

In floody, I perceive that as my need for comfort being denied, and I'm supposed to be comforting him. I get resentful and confused because while I'm willing to do that, I don't see how I can give him oxygen when my own oxygen mask is off.

Honestly? I wanted to punch him. I bit shield and looked at his stomach to talk to him. (Hindsight voice: Is that not one of my tells? Avoiding eye contact?)

I gave him validate:

Yes, I know you are tired. Yes I know you are overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be all crazy AT you. But hello, I am CRAZY in here. HELP! I need help!

He sat with me and we worked through a lot of frustration to arrive at the "Oh, you are flooding" place and then I finally got some "there, there, poor baby" and I felt better and it was done. Once it sunk in and we were both in the pretty bowl/pretty fish place it was easier to deal with to MOVE IT FORWARD.

In the meta world -- not a big deal. I think we handled it ok.

In the micro world? Drives me nuts. Because I am not fit. If I were FIT when I am in that place, I wouldn't need the "there, there." On my end of things it feels like I'm being trapped in an an emotional recursive loop function with no escape. I want him to be my counter, and then bail me out.

He says on his end it is sometimes very hard for him to tell early signs of my being in flood. By the time I get to the crying place or shaking place it is easy to tell.

I asked him what it felt like for him and he said it was like I came at him picking a fight.

I asked him if that is normal character for me and he said no.

I asked him if he sees me behave out of character, can't that be enough of a sign to go


"You seem to be behaving out of character. Are you aware of that? Are you ok in there? Are you flooding? Or about to flood? What can I do to help you? There, there. "​

Just SEE me. Don't take it personally. Just validate me that YES, I am feeling crazy. I certainly am behaving crazy. It will PASS. BREATHE.

Because inside that recursive loop place it's scary as hell to feel like it WON'T PASS. And I don't have enough air in there!

I talked to another anxiety friend later and she pointed out good bits like "Well, it wasn't a full on panic attack, just flooding. And you seem to know at least some of your triggers. And DH was supportive, even though it took him a while to catch on."

All true. And I love him being there for me when I really need him.

But this business of heading it off at the pass is hard. We won't catch every single one. All anyone can do is minimize.

It's that grey area between my not being able to articulate and needing help, and him being able to realize ON HIS OWN this is what is needed because I'm not fit and not able to wave a sign around.

I asked him if perhaps he's a bit spoiled around me. Most of the time I'm very clear and straight up about what I want or need and it just makes his end simple -- he knows how to meet the need. Cuz I TOLD HIM verbally.

He's not as good with my trying to tell him non-verbally. The para-verbal.

I did go to him and seek him out. He even asked me why I had a strange look on my face.

  • So if he can see when I have a strange look on my face. (1)
  • And if he can see that I'm behaving out of character. (1)
  • And we've been here at this frustrated place before. (2)

Why can't he go

  • 1 + 1... hrm... good chance of a 2 forecast here.

and just whip out the automatic general purpose TLC comfort bandaid of

"I see you are upset. There, there. Poor baby. It will pass. We'll sort it out. You'll tell me all about it. For now though... there, there.Just shush..."​

Pat, pat, hug and rock me or something. How come my KID can get that on auto pilot? Why are adults not able to see/do this for other adults easily?

Mind boggling. I'll have to ask him later.

But like I said -- macro-world, all is fine. Micro-world -- we could always improve how we weather out the storm.

We reviewed it against the LAST time, and both of us owned bits of the elephant -- who could do what better the next time this rolls around.

The next day I felt better in the morning after sleeping, but my brain was all wiped out and my heart was sore. We hung out with friends who are moving and helping out with brainless work like that helped a lot.

Then we had a date that night -- just us. We'd lined up a babysitter. I almost canceled it, but I am glad I didn't. I streamlined other things instead so the next day was a lighter load.

Overreacting to a flood and dumping ALL ballast isn't necessary. Just lighten the day's schedule.

That was good to learn. Also nice that it was a mellow family day at the park this afternoon -- skates, bikes, ball, yay. Very relaxing.

Galagirl
 
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