Considering V for bi-wife

SoCalDoc

New member
Hi, I'm a newbie here.

Happily married x 15 years, two young kids. My wife recently discovered she's bi. She's uncertain whether or not she wants to act on these desires. She is generally pragmatic and cautious, and she doesn't want to do anything to jeapordize our marriage/family, but she's considering the idea of pursuing a girlfriend. I support this idea.

About me..I'm happily mono, very much in love w my wife and she totally satisfies me, sexually and otherwise. Six months ago, I never would have dreamed that we'd be considering an open marriage, seems so foreign, but here we are, discussing it as a real possibility. Wow.

If we go this route, i picture it as a V, with my wife as the hinge. I think she'd prefer a married bi woman, rather than a lesbian woman for example, so they would have more in common. I'm not looking for a 3some, so a triad is not anticipated.

I have a lot of new/strange feelings about this, and no one (other than my wife) to talk with about this stuff. I'd greatly appreciate some feedback and advice. Here are some of my thoughts...

1. Few nights ago, while messing around, my wife asked me "what would you most enjoy seeing me do with another woman?" My answer was: fall in love. This answer surprised my wife, although she was pleased to hear it. I guess it also surprised me. I don't fully understand why, but thinking of my wife falling in love w another woman actually turns me on, as in arousal. Does this make sense? How do you explain this? BTW, the gender is significant, I wouldn't feel this way if the other person was a man. Hmmm. Is this common, for polyamory to be a source of arousal, even for the mono spouse.

2. More about gender...I think of woman-woman intimacy as being separate and distinct from man-woman intimacy, so I don't feel threatened by the idea of my wife having a GF. But I wonder if this is misguided. Any other guys have same/different feelings about this?

3. I'd love to get input from others who have experience in V relationships, especially ones similar to what we are contemplating. What are the pitfalls? What are the benefits?

Thanks.
 
Your feelings are not uncommon. You are not alone. Have a look at the tag section and do some reading under tags such as "lessons" "foundations" "vees" vee" and anything else that catches your fancy. Maybe read in the blog section too. There is much to learn! I would suggest doing this reading with your partner as it will bring up much emotion I suspect.

I am in a vee with two men as a hinge and as an arm with a woman who is married. We are all doing fine after three years :) its all possible.
 
redpepper, thanks for your response. Sounds like you have substantial experience w this. So how do you understand/explain the arousal response to polyamory? To be clear, I'm not talking about picturing my wife having sex w another person (although that's one of my favorite fantasies, w either gender) -- rather I'm talking about feeling very aroused just by the thought of her falling in love w another woman. It's such a curious reaction..
 
So how do you understand/explain the arousal response to polyamory? To be clear, I'm not talking about picturing my wife having sex w another person (although that's one of my favorite fantasies, w either gender) -- rather I'm talking about feeling very aroused just by the thought of her falling in love w another woman. It's such a curious reaction..

Seeing her happy turns you on - or the thought of seeing her happy and giddy. Does it turn you on when she comes home all excited about a new hobby or activity? I get this way with my husband (we are not in a poly relationship at the moment). I like seeing him all excited about something, so that's what I see when I let my mind wander into the realm of possibilities:D. Then I have to come back to reality and realize we aren't ready for that just yet - reality just bites sometimes:p.
 
Seeing her happy turns you on - or the thought of seeing her happy and giddy. Does it turn you on when she comes home all excited about a new hobby or activity? I get this way with my husband (we are not in a poly relationship at the moment). I like seeing him all excited about something, so that's what I see when I let my mind wander into the realm of possibilities:D. Then I have to come back to reality and realize we aren't ready for that just yet - reality just bites sometimes:p.

I love to see/make her happy, but no, her happiness per se does not turn me on in an erotic way. I think it's the polyamorous stuff (emotional/romantic intimacy) that affects me. Opening up our marriage w regard to emotional/romantic intimacy (in addition to sex) feels like such a profound shift. It's scary and exhilarating.
 
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If we go this route, i picture it as a V, with my wife as the hinge. I think she'd prefer a married bi woman, rather than a lesbian woman for example, so they would have more in common. I'm not looking for a 3some, so a triad is not anticipated.

I really like how you phrase this...expressing how you think things might look/work without negating all other possibilities. As a married bi woman myself this is a scenario that I could see as inviting. A supportive husband who doesn't automagically expect all-threesomes-all-the-time...priceless! I tend to be attracted to bisexual or straight (rather than lesbian) women myself so I can definitely see that may be more comfortable for her.

Although you may not anticipate it you should give some consideration to what might happen if you were to develop feelings for your wife's girlfriend or vice versa (if she is bi)...is that completely off limits or does it depend on where they are in their relationship? I can envision that for someone starting on their journey that they might be "protective" of their new GF and want to see how that dynamic works on its own without adding another relationship (you+GF) into the mix. (From what I can glean from what you have written I would suggest you discuss it in a theoretical way before she gets involved with anyone...as a distant hypothetical possibility.)


Few nights ago, while messing around, my wife asked me "what would you most enjoy seeing me do with another woman?" My answer was: fall in love. This answer surprised my wife, although she was pleased to hear it. I guess it also surprised me. I don't fully understand why, but thinking of my wife falling in love w another woman actually turns me on, as in arousal. Does this make sense? How do you explain this? BTW, the gender is significant, I wouldn't feel this way if the other person was a man. Hmmm. Is this common, for polyamory to be a source of arousal, even for the mono spouse.

This is a lovely answer!

Thinking about someone else helping your wife to feel so happy/safe/fulfilled, while being viewed as no direct threat? I can certainly see that this would be a "turn-on." (Regardless of the sexual aspect of knowing there might be some hot girl-on-girl action going on somewhere out of sight...:D)

More about gender...I think of woman-woman intimacy as being separate and distinct from man-woman intimacy, so I don't feel threatened by the idea of my wife having a GF. But I wonder if this is misguided. Any other guys have same/different feelings about this?.

My husband felt exactly the same way when we got together (almost word-for-word in my recollection). My relationships with other girls never threatened him at all. He felt that they and he had different things to "offer" and therefore were not in competition. (I would posit that every single person has different things to "offer" ...but starting out from a position of comfort can't be a bad thing!)

It probably depends on the person - some bisexuals may find that their relationships with either sex are the "same" (as much as any relationship can be the "same" as another), I find that mine are not. In relationships - friend or lover - with women I find that I tend to take on the role of "protector/problem-solver", in relationships with men I want to feel "protected/taken-care-of" if they are my lover (but can take the role of "protector/problem-solver" if we are only friends).

I don't know if any of this is helpful but those are the thoughts I had while reading your post. It sounds to me as though you have given this a lot of consideration and are at a good place from which to start the journey and see where it goes.
 
JaneQSmythe--thanks for your thoughtful response. You asked if I'd be open to connecting w my wife's GF. It's not off limits, but it's not the focus of my/our attention. It seems like such a stretch to imagine this sort of triad, where all three joyfully like/love/f**k one another and somehow manage all the various issues and emotional needs, but if by chance life offers me such a rare gift, I would hopefully accept it graciously. But this is getting way ahead of reality. At this point my wife still seems reluctant to pursue a GF, for all the right, rational reasons. I don't want to push her. In fact, part of the rush would be if/when she tells me that she really wants/needs a GF. That's a message I would love to hear, but that has to come from her heart, it can't be forced.
 
It's been refreshing to read something like this. I think over time, with your support and encouragement your wife will begin to feel comfortable enough to dig deeper and get settled in her self-discovery.

Sounds like a good start.
 
I am wondering if you would prefer/feel comfortable if she fall in love with somebody because that feels safer to you. If you think about her engaging in casual sex instead, does that make you fearful or like what you share with her would be less special or diminished?

I do see a lot of people tend to be more OK with the sex and less with the love, but I have seen people post about feeling the opposite, and those are some of the reasons. Especially if there wasn't a history of lots of sex partners before they got involved with them. Especially if they thought their partner never lusted after others until the talk about poly came up. Especially if they thought they were only interested in dating because they want to explore bisexuality and then one day are told that they also are interested in heterosexual sex with others too.

They see their partner is a certain way, and realizing that their partner actually enjoys sex without romantic entanglements can be eye opening in a way they don't like. At the far end of it, they can feel like this discovery means their partner is a "slut" and they start having negative feelings about them, and any relationships their partner forms that don't fit the "idealized" format.

Hopefully that's not the case, but if it is something that might be possible, you might want to be aware of it. Maybe your wife only wants serious romantic relationships, but once you change the dynamic of a relationships there are lots of unforeseen possibilities that could happen.
 
"Compersion" being happy and loving because your partner (or others) are happy and loved, or are in love.

Its a wondrous thing. Do a search and find out more. Really, its very common and a strange phenomenon. I don't question it. It just is what it is I guess. If you find out why, please let us know. Otherwise, enjoy! :)
 
You seem supportive of your wife in a really lovely way. :) My husband is much like you: supportive, loving, happily mono. We have been together for about 8 years. I started a relationship almost a year ago with my girlfriend Mya, who is also a bisexual married woman. You might enjoy reading our blog over here.

My husband has experienced some insecurities and feelings of discomfort. Mostly it has just felt strange to him to be in a poly situation. And he did have to shift his mindset when it became clear that my girlfriend became an influence on our future plans. Also, it was sort of sad for him to see me infatuated with somebody else, and know that it's something we can never experience together again. At the same time he felt very glad for me, a lot of compersion. And our relationship has grown and benefited significantly, we both agree on that. Now that the situation has normalised he hasn't been experiencing any of the feelings of strangeness, he is just happy to see me happy.

It has been extremely satisfying for me to explore my sexuality with my girlfriend. And having another really happy relationship, as well as the whole opening up process, has made me appreciate my husband in a completely new way. It is so often that poly relationship lets me experience concretely the importance he gives to my happiness, and I love him for that. We have both become more independent, and I'd say more loving and committed to each other at the same time.

The best advice I can give is not to be afraid of having some uncomfortable feelings, be willing to talk about things, and be understanding and compassionate towards each other while being clear in what you want and need.
 
rory--your input is much appreciated. May I ask some personal questions? How has your involvement w Mya affected your sex life w your husband, both in terms of quality and quantity? Is your sexual desire for him diminished because you might be more sexually focussed on Mya? How about your husband's desire for you? Does he enjoy hearing about (watching?) your sexual activities w Mya? Feel free to PM if you prefer a more private venue for this discussion. Thanks!
 
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That is okay. :) I think these are very individual things that are impacted by many factors. But for us it has all been beneficial.

For me NRE with Mya didn't only affect my desire for her, but also my general sex drive. Thus, there was an increase in quantity for the infatuation period, but that effect was obviously just temporary. Alec tends to want sex somewhat more than I do, so the increase in my libido was welcomed by the both of us.

I am in a long distance relationship with Mya, and I guess that allows me to see some of the effects more clearly. I have a completely different sexual dynamic with Mya than I have with Alec. I get to express different sides/aspects of my sexuality with her, that I can't with Alec (and that works the other way around, as well). I feel sexually most complete with both, and when both of them are available to me, I actually want more sex in general.

My sexual relationship with Mya doesn't include either of our husbands, they don't participate or watch. It also doesn't feel comfortable for any of us to discuss the details overly much, at least not with the purpose of arousal. Obviously I am fine with anything that goes on in Alec's head, that doesn't bother me in any way. He does enjoy thinking about me with women, in general, but it seems that it doesn't work in an entirely similar way when it's a girlfriend instead of a more casual thing (we are open for that, too).

Have you considered the possibility of your wife exploring her sexuality outside the context of a romantic relationship? Would she feel comfortable with having casual sex, or being intimate with a friend? How do you feel about that? Not that you need to be open to be poly, of course. :)
 
"Have you considered the possibility of your wife exploring her sexuality outside the context of a romantic relationship? Would she feel comfortable with having casual sex, or being intimate with a friend? How do you feel about that? Not that you need to be open to be poly, of course. :)"
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Good question. I've tended to focus on a romantic relationship, as that pushes my poly button (in a good way) but I'd be okay if my wife wanted to explore this casually -- and she might consider this. I suppose she could go to a lesbian bar -- any of you bi ladies ever try that?

The friend w benefits option is appealing, but how does one make that happen?

Any suggestions?
 
Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.
 
Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.

Yeah, once I was single, and knowing I was bi, I'd thought I'd be dating lesbians, but I've come to find out there is such a hatred of penises in dyke culture... they don't wanna come near one, or near a vag that's had one in it!

Luckily I met my transwoman gf soon after I started dating. She is bi as well. You rarely see transwomen dating cis gendered women. I didnt meet any til our last time at a transhealth conference. There were about 30 couples, cis women with their transwomen gfs or wives. It was so nice to feel we weren't alone for once.

It's becoming more common, however, in a lesbian couple, for the more butch one to realize she is actually a transman, and for her to transition to male. Then her lesbian gf suddenly is like, "What? I'm hetero now?" and be all confused.
 
Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.

OMG yeah!! Can I say it's been SUPER HARD as a bi woman in a relationship with a man who really really really loves women and REALLY identifies socially, emotionally with women to be poly? I totally agree; most lesbians I meet are somewhat socially conservative! They want a woman, some even restrict themselves to only other lesbians (not bi women) and they are very offended at the idea of dating a woman in a relationship with another man.

Yup, Lesbians seem to want their monogamous marriages up here in Canada...

I GET it, because as a woman it is so incredibly hard to find another woman. So I think lesbians don't want to feel like they're going to be abandoned or treated as a play-thing by a woman. It's too painful in a culture where lesbians are sexualised and used for experiments, but not really deeply appreciated and loved as partners.

So those have been my personal experiences. However, others may disagree or have had different experiences.
 
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