Suggestions for a long dark spell.

arpeggi

New member
Hello everyone,

I decided to skip the introduction thread because I felt it would make parts of this post slightly redundant.

This whole community seems like the most open, supportive, and most importantly, intelligent group of people I've come across in possibly all of my internet comings and goings. That being said, I could really, really do with some openness, support, and understanding.

I'll change the names of everyone concerned, since it seems like a good idea. Also, I will notate them with chapter numbers, merely because I like books and it might help with reference in hopefully the ensuing discussion.

Get ready for a very long read. For those of you who do read it all, I appreciate it immensely. If you don't consider complete context necessary, feel free to skip to the middle or end, or whatever your heart desires.

Chapter One
In August of last year, I fell in love with a girl named Lily. We were as smitten as small adorable things in small cozy handwarmer things (kittens in mittens), and head-over-heels from the start. The only negative thing that developed as our love grew over the months was this faint underlying fear that, try as I might, I could not dissipate. I felt like I might eventually become different in a way that would hurt her, or would somehow become unhappy. I didn't know what the feeling meant.

About four or five months into our relationship, I posed the idea of opening things up a little. I hadn't heard of polyamory, and still wouldn't for another few months, but merely reasoned that since Lily and I were so perfectly happy with each other, we might try to share it a little, since we felt we couldn't damage our impervious relationship. I also thought it would help assuage my fears, which Lily and I were worried about and wished to be gone. Unbeknownst to me, she was very frightened by the prospect of opening up, as we were both trying to find an explanation or an answer as to what I wanted, and she didn't feel exactly the same way. She didn't let on because she wanted to make me happy and was afraid I would be upset.

Chapter Two
There was a girl named Azalea who I went to school with (here I'll mention that Lily and I go to different schools) and had been friends with for a few months, who I liked, and who had a rather big crush on me. I had been helping her cope with a negative relationship she was in. When she and her boyfriend eventually did break up, she told me how she felt about me.

I told her exactly how things were, and how far I would be willing to go. (Barely even hand-holding. I would have liked trying further, but as things were, even that was quite a lot for Lily to handle and I immediately saw that things were looking not good.) We tried it out for a few weeks. I felt bad that I couldn't be closer to Azalea, because she was suffering from her break-up (of a year-long relationship), but I would not do more than Lily was comfortable with.

We all three, at one point, went out for coffee so we could collect ourselves. After a short while, we had to break it off, because Lily was suffering and I realized the extent of what was happening. I told Lily that I would try not to let it happen again. Thankfully, Azalea understood the situation and we're still as much friends as we had been before everything began.

Chapter Three
During that whole period of time, I had been getting to know a friend of mine, Dahlia. She went to my school, but was a grade above me. I spoke to her often, because she was also going through trouble with a boy who was really not treating her well. (Ay, there's the rub. I feel I'm not one to talk, as you'll read.) She was helping me sort through my troubles with Azalea.

After Lily and I ended the Azalea business, to be honest, I don't exactly recall the next chain of events. Dahlia and I realized we liked each other, which I told Lily, and we kept talking about this and that for weeks, helping each other with all sorts of problems. We talked about anything at all. We fell in love.

I was still deeply in love with Lily. I was confused and in absolutely alien territory. I kept Lily informed, but everything was separate and disorganized at the same time.

I had been asking Lily before if Dahlia and I could hold hands. Lily wanted so terribly for me to be happy that she left the decision to me. We were constantly discussing limits and expectations and predictions. Dahlia and I said to each other that we loved each other. I told this to Lily, and she was devastated. I didn't know what to do. Just picture when Darth Vader informs Luke of their true relationship-- the realization, the emotion, the pain, the confusion.

Dahlia and I immediately stopped saying "I love you," because it hurt Lily so much. We decreased communication in general. Lily was in tatters. I was awful. Both of us cried. It was the first time I had cried in probably two years. We feared for our relationship. We didn't know what was going to happen. I still had not heard of polyamory and thought I was a freak, that I was overlooking something, that I was clearly wrong in a most fundamental way. It was all so many kinds of bad.

(Again, my apologies. My memory is beginning to fail me. I feel that I'd like to just leave this section of my life behind, but it's direly necessary for context.)

After Lily and I recovered, we came to the conclusion that Dahlia and I should keep talking (as we were both still very much in love) but that it would be easier for Lily if we didn't say "I love you" (Dahlia and me, that is). This was painful for Dahlia and me, as we were pretending to ignore our feelings for each other and could never address them, but I couldn't let myself hurt Lily. (At this point I believe it was late February/early March. It lasted about a month.) Much to Lily's pain, which also meant to my guilt, we had to start telling each other of our love. It could no longer go unspoken.

Chapter Four
Fast forward through around two and a half months of an unstable on and off happiness cycle for Dahlia and me. Lily went these months sleepless from tears. I still haven't forgiven myself. The happiness never truly lived up to its name, and the depression got deeper each time it struck. No one got what they wanted. Dahlia and Lily both wanted me alone, yet they both wanted me to be happy, so they couldn't tell me to make a decision, which I would never have been able to do anyway because I love/d them both so deeply. And I wanted both of them, but I also wanted to make them happy, which was impossible in the situation. Some time in here, I discovered the term polyamorous, and found out that I was not alone and everything wasn't because of some kind of mistake in my wiring. (Please understand, I grew up in a Catholic household, and the only person I can confide in within my family is my oldest sister.) This discovery helped somewhat, but didn't change things.

Chapter Five
Mid June. The end of the school year. In the week after school ended, Dahlia and I met in town to hang out a few times, and Lily and I continued seeing each other as usual at our houses, in town, at the movies, etc.

Everything was getting bad. We weren't falling out of love, as Dahlia had ventured might happen. She couldn't keep feeling like she was loved, but "not enough." She couldn't shake the vibe of being "second choice." She decided that we should stop. It wasn't out of nowhere. She had literally been suggesting it for months, but I knew neither of us would be able to, and it would be unbearable. This time she was serious. We kissed for the first time and then parted thinking it was the end. It lasted three days, three of the worst days in my life, at that point.

Upon recalling this, I've realized I grouped two of these experiences together. I suppose these details aren't important. Just know that on two separate occasions we both left a meeting place in tears after letting them fall for hours discussing if we really had to stop. One at a café, the other in a parking lot. One of the silences only lasted three days filled with despair, more tears, and at least forty texts from me to her, unrequited. She couldn't take the silence, and we started talking again, with Lily overjoyed that I had some happiness return and that I wasn't exceedingly depressed, but afraid that things wouldn't ever stop. Her main fear was that things would progress physically.

After the second full-stop and then start again (I don't know how long the pause was), I told Lily that she needed to tell me what she wanted. I couldn't go on hoping she would make a decision. She said that she could not decide. I found out that what had been making her lose sleep and wring her hands and bite her lip, even when we were together, was this fear of physical progression. I told her that I would draw a line at hand-holding. I told her that she should sleep peacefully.

Chapter Six
Less than a week later, I broke my promise and ruined everything. Dahlia and I got very slightly physical when we were hanging out. I didn't stop it because I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I was in the moment. I don't regret anything I've ever done as much as that moment. I told Lily and she was destroyed by it. Dahlia and I stopped talking because, as much as it hurt, there was nothing else that could be done. I was worse than ever in my life, Dahlia was absolutely anguished, and I feared if Lily would never trust me, or anyone, ever again.

It was a bad scene.

(Continued in next post. Don't worry, it's almost over.}
 
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continued

Chapter Seven

A month later, things seemed to have evened out, in a way. Lily was pretty good, and from what I gathered through Facebook statuses and the like, Dahlia seemed all right. I remained depressed and longed to even talk to Dahlia more than I care to describe. I cried every other night. I was/am so thankful to still have Lily, I love her so exorbitantly, but it was like having a piece of my heart taken away. Or a couple of limbs, more viscerally speaking.

My band was playing a fairly large local show, which I was admittedly excited about. Jasper, my best friend, the guitar player, was friends with Dahlia and heard that she might be coming to the show. Why she would ever do that escaped me. I was beyond nervous. I thought we had had an understanding that we could never see each other again.

For the duration of the show (not just our set, the whole event), I managed to keep my composure, but I was clearly not myself. (Lily was surprised I was able to remain composed for as long as I did.) However, when it was time to go, I had to go get a friend of mine, Salvia, who we were giving a ride home. (He happened to be one of the few friends I'd told about this.) He had been hanging out with Dahlia during the course of the event, not linking up the name and the person until I called him over from halfway across the field and said, "It's time to go. Could you please give her a hug from me?"

He did, and when he came over to the car, hugged me back and I just outright erupted into sobs. I had to sit down with my legs out the door of the van and cried for ten minutes. I finally collected myself and we all went back to my house.

The next day (about two weeks ago), I was sleeping over with some friends, and got a call from Dahlia. We talked for fifteen minutes about if I didn't want to see her at public events (which of course I did/do, but couldn't/cant), how she had thought about everything for that month and decided that she would be okay with things again, about how so ludicrously much we love each other. The eventual and painful conclusion, again, was that we still could not talk.

If you think that is getting old, imagine how I feel.


Epilogue

So here I am. Here we are. I'm heartbroken and showing no signs of recovery. Lily wants desperately to make me happy, and I want desperately to make her happy, but those are things we apparently aren't very good at doing. Two people tragically, deeply in love, unable to make each other happy. What do we do? I need Lily and Dahlia, Lily and Dahlia need me, but if I get back together with Dahlia, then Lily will collapse, probably beyond recovery, even though she wishes to the point of despair that she were different and she could let me live the life I dream of.

Ah yes, that's another thing. She wishes she could love like me, and I wish I could love like her. We make each other feel inadequate, wrong. We briefly talked about breaking up, but I know that it would push us both over the edge. As much as we hurt each other, we do bring joy and comfort into each other's lives and are totally necessary to each other.

The situation right now is that of least pain, but we can't stay like it forever. It isn't healthy to never be happy.

.....................

If you read all of that, thank you so, so much. It came out way lengthier than I intended. How much was necessary I really do not know. If it is off-target for this board then I will edit it as needed, or even remove it entirely, and I apologize.

I guess, in the end, I'm wondering if there is anyone who suffers or has suffered the same emotional trauma and tragic situation. I need to know if there is some stupidly obvious thing that we're missing, something, anything, that we can do to fix this horrible mess of love and abandon.

Again, thank you so much if you read any of this.

-arp
 
First of all, <HUGS> because you need it! Welcome to the board. Of anywhere I have found, this is the board with the wisdom, knowledge, experience and heart to guide and support through the waters. Your story saddens me greatly, yet uplifts me as well, for the utter love that I can feel radiating out. I am impressed by the communication you have established.

Having not have been in your exact situation, I can only say that it seems to me, unless everyone is willing to bend and compromise a little towards one another, things may remain static. As much as Lily wants you happy and wants to express love as you do, there is something holding her back, maybe fear. Maybe that is something you both need to lean into. She seems to be open to the whole poly thing, and even wishes she could love like that, which shows me that there is something more mental getting in the way, losing you, being inadequate compared to Dahlia, seeing you two with something she's not involved with, isn't part of. You don't really give a lot of info on Dahlia's mindset.

Have Lily and Dahlia spoken at all? They both know and accept one another, but have they had a chance to relate to one another? Some would say it's not a good idea (I expect), but if I were one of those women, I would want to relate to the other person, to see what's there and to be able to make them a real factor. If they have never met or related, there is a chance that both have unreasonable fears of who the other is, what they possess that the other doesn't, or a hundred other thoughts. We're all guilty of coming up with crazy scenarios about something going on that we know nothing about. It's human nature (i.e., seeing cops outside your building and wondering what's happening).

New strategies are definitely called for if the goal is to move forward, but be prepared that if Lily or Dahlia get to the point where they ultimately decide they can't or won't, then you will have to decide (with their input) the boundaries for moving on without part of the equation.

Good luck and hang in there!
 
This is such a sad situation. You seem to genuinely love these women and I wish you didn't have to feel this pain.

The closest to your situation I've ever come was dating two men in my twenties, one my ex-fiance and another one I fell in love with at work. The ex-fiance, Art, didn't know the details, just that I had broken the engagement because I didn't feel I was ready to settle down with one person yet. The coworker, Jim, knew all the details, as he came to the relationship second, and it was just easier to be honest with him, as it caused Art too much pain to know everything.

After over a year of going back and forth, and each wanting a decision from me, and Jim even trying to date other women, I lost them both. Jim could no longer take my indecision and left. Art wanted someone completely mono and decided he could never trust me. I let him go because he never would have left on his own and never would have accepted me as I am.

It hurt. It devastated me. I ended up in a psych ward for a couple of weeks because, not knowing what poly was, I felt dirty and wrong and like all I did was cause pain.

Years later, I am married to a wonderful man, Frank, who loves me as I am. I had a relationship with a woman too. It ended, sadly, but it strengthened my relationship with Frank, and we are very happy together. I'm no longer interested in other men in a physical way.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you may have to make a decision and it may hurt all of you. The women, as much as they love you and you love them, may simply be monogamous by nature. As much as they want YOUR happiness, your happiness may cause them nothing but pain. This is something you'll have to discuss with them.

Are they willing to try poly just to make you happy, or do they each think this is truly a love style they could live? Are they interested in having their own other loves? How would you feel about that? Could opening themselves to others help with the fears and the second-choice feelings?

As the other poster asked, have they met? Perhaps if they do and can see each other as the real human beings they are, and not the idealized "other woman," it may help calm their fears. If a friendship were to bloom between them, it could help all of you with communication and reassurance.

Funny question: Are they bisexual? If a relationship developed between them in a romantic way, you may all get the loving relationship and feelings of completeness you're looking for. (But don't press that issue. It's just a thought.)

I applaud you for your openness from the very beginning and your constant attempts at keeping these two loves happy. It is so much more than I was ever able to do. I hope you get all you want in these relationships. But I want you to know that, even if you must let one or both go, there are others out there, for all of you. Life goes on, and things get better, but not if anyone is forcing themselves into staying in an unhappy situation.
 
I'm sorry for what all of you are going through.

IMO, sometimes the differences in our natures can't come to terms with the requirements for everyone to be happy and fulfilled. In saying "natures," I mean in how we are wired to love other people. I am referring to hardwiring, not social conditioning. I truly think you are polyamorous and Lily is monogamous.

In my experienced opinion, mono-poly relationships are extremely painful, at least initially; it really is like being trapped for both sides. Communication and complete openness are needed to determine if a future is possible in all relationships. But it is even more paramount when two very different ways of loving come together.

I wish you all the best, and hope you all have the strength to do what will make you healthy in the long run.
 
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If it is off-target for this board then I will edit it as needed or even remove it entirely, and I apologize.

The length is okay, no problem.

As for possible solutions to these torments? Shoot, I don't know!

I do think I know what you want to have happen. I think you want to love Lily and Dahlia both, and to have the two of them also love you, and to have this not be a problem for anyone involved. This may not be possible. One or both (or all three) may not be able or willing to take that path.

I can only respond from my own experience and perspective. The truth is, I'm not terribly impressed with monogamy. I know that monogamy works for some people, and they don't want to step out of it, and that's fine for them, but it doesn't impress me that much. The reason is that I know from my own experience that loving two people in no way diminishes or lessens the love each receive when there is real love happening. There is no factual or reasonable basis for the fear that if my partner loves someone else, they must love me less because of it. The very opposite is often the case! Oftentimes, love between partners grows when the relationship is opened up to allow for other loves.

You are all obviously quite young, and it can take years to grow into the understanding and capacity to have open poly love, given that movies and love songs, churches and parents, all sing about and celebrate monogamy as The One True Way To Love, With All Others Not Being Valid Options.

So, you have to make a choice. You can choose one girl-flower or the other, or you can choose to try, with the others, to have your cake and eat it too. That is, to love whom you will, freely and openly and honestly. This decision isn't all yours. The two girls are in on it. If there is no chance of them letting you have and eat your cake, you must choose one of the two, or neither. I hope that you can have both, but that's just how my heart works.
 
Thank you all so much for your time and responses. Seeing as there are so many, I'll just respond individually and try to keep myself as to the point as possible.


@cosmicfreedom7:
Thank you. That is spot-on. Lily feels inadequate, despite my ceaseless attempts to tell her that it's not a matter of good, or not good enough. She understands. She gets how I am and fully wishes that she were the same. But (as I will get into in other responses) she just can't shake the feeling of inadequacy, much like Dahlia.

Lily and Dahlia have tried to meet, but only at public events like a show or something similar. It always ended up as an awkward hello and goodbye.

@XYZ123:
That's a very very similar situation and I'm relieved to have someone able to relate. I've wished that Lily and Dahlia could form a relationship, ideally romantic, but as Mono says in the next response, Lily and Dahlia are mono, which reduces that possibility to fantasy. They would do absolutely anything to make me happy, but they themselves could never be happy in a poly lifestyle. Lily is probably bi-curious. She'd like to try being with a girl, but I feel like she only wants a romantic relationship with me. Dahlia is hetero, plain and simple. She regrets not knowing better. She knew that she couldn't be happy in this situation, but neither of us had any control over us falling in love.

I feel like someday Lily's fears might disappear. I know both of us hope desperately that they do, or that we could remove them. But whether it's a feeling or just a hope, I can't tell.

@MonoVCPHG:
Thanks. You are definitely right. Lily is mono. As much as she wants to be poly, she has those unshakable feelings. Dahlia, in our last phone call after that show, said that she would be okay with things now if we were to get back together. That either means that she found some new way to deal with things, or that she realized that she is poly, or... I don't know what. I have no way of finding out, as she is hardly likely to post it in a Facebook status update. *

@JRiverMartin:
You've hit the nail on the head. I just want to love them, and be as happy as I can, and have no hurt involved at all. It's so painfully ironic that the one thing I want is the only thing I can't do.

If Dahlia and I got back together, Lily would collapse. If I left her and got with Dahlia, I really don't want to think about what that would do to Lily. Plus, I would long for Lily as I long for Dahlia now, and then that would make her upset that she couldn't make me happy. If I left them both, well, it's obviously a lose-lose-lose situation. Dahlia, on more than one occasion, has told me that she would never love anyone like she loves me, and though she has never said it, I know for a fact that Lily feels the same.

And even if any of us were able to move on, months and months from now, I would be so disillusioned. What is the point of love if I can't have the people I do love, and make them happy? Isn't that what love is supposed to be? Why did I fall so deeply, irreversibly in love with two indescribably wonderful people, if all I can do is hurt them?

I've gotten very existential as a result of all this. Bleeeehhhhhhhhaksdkajdh.

*That reminds me, this has all been almost completely in the closet. I've only told my closest of friends and my oldest sister, who I knew would all understand. Lily tried telling a friend, but it didn't go over well. Dahlia's friends found out about it and caused major problems for us, because they didn't understand and thought I was using her. During the final goodbye conversation, one of them started harassing and degrading me. I was such an emotional wreck, I didn't stop her, because I felt I was worth nothing and deserved it.

So, no one but a very small circle of friends know I'm poly. (I'm also bi. I've been trying to ignore that aspect too.) Lily has much less trouble with it, even no trouble at all, since she knows that she can't provide me with certain things that I lust for. But I digress; that's a different facet to this brittle jewel.
 
Hmmm. Poly and bi. Why does this seem so familiar?

Hey, wait a minute. I'm poly and bi, and old enough to be your father!

Dude! You gotta somehow lower the drama factor. Here's an idea to consider. Tell your love interests this: "I'm poly and bi. I love you, but if you can't live with who I am, then it's not gonna be working out. I'll hate to lose you, but I must be true to my own nature."

Something like that.

And then drop the drama, man. Be happy. Be yourself and be happy.
 
I agree with J. Although I know it is much easier for him to say than for you to do. The reality, however, is that more than likely, there is someone, others, out there that could make you ALL happy without feeling inadequate, stretched, or untrue to who you are as individuals.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.
 
I really wish I could drop my emotions and be capable of moving on. I'm not capable of hurting someone so deeply, and I'm actually afraid of what would happen to Lily.

If I said that, "I'll hate to lose you, but I must be true to my own nature", Lily would let me. She would obviously try to change my mind but she wants me to be happy. And maybe I would do it if I thought I would be happier, but I'm happier with Lily than with no one at all.
 
No one has said to drop your emotions. Only to defuse and eliminate the drama. The only way to do that is by doing what JRiver suggests. Emotions typically cannot be turned on and off like a light switch.

I for one, can empathize with having to drop a person who cannot be poly. Although I guess he did the dropping. He and I are still friends, and yes, I still love him passionately, but I know that at this point in time, there is no possibility of us having a romantic relationship. (For more info see Long Info Dump Vent.)

As I think of it, just because there is no possibility of the romantic relationship now, doesn't mean that there may not be one in the future (in a couple years or more) after individuals have learned more about themselves and what they truly want, and what they will do and accept, and also not accept. This is not an "age" thing. It is an experience thing.

Don't spend all your time and all your life wishing, wishing you could be yourself, wishing you could have both of the loves of your life, wishing that they would accept you for who and what you are, wishing you could be what one wants without hurting the other. Wishing is supposed to lead to action. If it does not, then you stagnate, and stagnation leads to death. Maybe not physical, but emotional, for sure.

Good luck and welcome to the forums.
 
Sounds like a tough situation indeed. I don't think anyone here can offer you a magic solution. There are solutions, but it seems that all of them are going to be very hard.

I can only offer some perspectives on relationships that I've learned in my own experiences.

First: You are not responsible for Lily's or Daliah's happiness. Nobody is responsible for anyone else's happiness. That is for each person to determine themselves. They can draw happiness from your company, but it is not your job or place to "make" someone happy.

Second: That said, you do have a responsibility to be open and honest with your partners and with yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes that honesty means admitting some very hard things and letting go of others. I get the sense that both you and these partners are really trying to hang onto something in the hopes that it'll change when there is little chance of that. That's where the hard, open honesty comes in.

Third: It is possible for two people to love each other deeply, yet still not be right for each other in a relationship. And that's OK.

Sometimes the hardest lesson to learn in love is the art of letting go of our expectations. Sometimes we meet a wonderful person and we just want it all from them. We want our lives to be completely wrapped around each other. But then the pain sets in when our lives aren't a good fit. Then the pain overshadows all the good and wonderful things about that person touching our lives, until everything we feel for that person is somehow attached to pain. And therein the drama just grows and feeds on itself.

But if we just let go of the expectations, and appreciate the goodness of them being in our lives, without the wishing for more things that aren't there, we start to see even more depth and richness in the relationship. We start seeing the relationship and each other in terms of what's there and not in terms of what's missing.

It sounds like there are a few things to let go of in your relationships with these particular women. That doesn't mean necessarily letting go of them, but I'm sure you know that what you're hanging onto at the moment just isn't sustainable.

Best of luck to you!
 
I just want to add that you shouldn't allow anyone to degrade you for your way of loving. You didn't use, lie to, cheat on, or intentionally hurt either of these women. You allowed them to be with you with their eyes wide open, even if their hearts could not fully accept what you can and cannot offer. This is something a user or a cheat would never do. Causing pain is a terrible thing. But pain caused with honesty, and that is a double-edged sword, is much different than pain caused by lies and by hiding your true self. There isn't anything wrong or bad about you. There isn't anything wrong or bad about them. You're simply different.
 
@Vandalin:

Hope is what we seem to be living on. How you are are with your love, perhaps in a few years sort of thing, is what we are doing, or is happening, anyway.


@Ceoli:

Thank you, that seems like advice I have the guts to take. Something definitely needs to change, or we just need to take a mental step back and look at things differently.

@XYZ123:

When Dahlia's 'friend' was harassing me, I was already consumed by my emotions and didn't stop her. I know now that nothing she was saying was true, I even knew the day after, but at the moment I felt I was getting what I deserved.

And though I know that we are just different (i certainly tell Lily every time she is upset and feels not good enough), and that no one is at fault, I still have trouble accepting that I've had such a negative effect on people I care about.
 
Wow, this situation sounds very similar to what my bf has dealt with in the last few years. I think I can talk from the perspective of your ladies because I am with a man who is poly, while I am not.

My bf first discovered his poly nature about 6 years ago, and in that time he had many different scenarios similar to the one you are in: he would have a gf, then meet another one. The first one would be hurt, but agree to let him do whatever because she loved him. Then the second one would be hurt because he wouldn't leave the first one. Both girls wanted his happiness as well as their own, everyone was in pain and confused......

He got through it. You can too. Not to cast a dim light on your future, but my bf is no longer with any of the girls he had these scenarios with. (I would estimate there were about 6-8 girls involved at various times in a 6 year period.) Some of them he no longer speaks to (or rather they no longer speak to him; he loves them all still and would like to be friends), BUT some of them are his closest friends now.

Many of them were truly monogamous and could not change that. Some of them were poly themselves, but wanted different things. Then you have me, who started off VERY MUCH monogamous (the thought of my bf with others tormented me and I still feel a bit queasy, but it's getting better every day), and after literally MONTHS of pain, anguish, arguments, anger, confusion, etc., etc., etc.

I am glad to say that I am leaning toward being poly myself now. I am open to starting my own second relationships, but not pushing towards that as a goal. I had to work through all this myself. I did a HUGE amount of self-discovery and analysis. Your girls will have to, as well. Be there for them, and if they are willing to try it, be compassionate towards them. My bf had the patience of a saint when dealing with my bitter and psycho shenanigans. I love him even more for that. He really stuck with me.

My bf tried to be mono with me, but he realized it was not making him happy, so he moved out. We've remained a couple. Now he continues to date other women. He has not yet fallen in love with anyone new and has not been physical with anyone, but I have faith in myself to be ok with that when it happens and move on with my own life. I love my bf so very much and even though I will have to share him, and we have very little time spent together since he moved out (we are both extremely busy), I enjoy what we do have.

It sounds to me like you are perhaps young (in high school? college? I will assume high school since you talk about going to the same schools). Love during your teens and twenties is always fiery and diehard. It is all-consuming and exhausting. Simmer down, and know that even though we feel we could never live without a person in our lives, we CAN. I can remember many times when I felt that way about someone. When they were gone, I felt I would die. But I am still here. I am fine.

I'm not trying to steal your post, but I thought an explanation of my situation might help give you hope that things will work themselves out. Like my bf, you may lose them all. The choice is theirs, in a way. You love them. You want them both. It is up to them whether they stay with you through that, or not.

Perhaps you might tell them this: it is their decision. They are the ones who need to work through their emotions, their doubts, their pain and find the truth in the situation. You, yourself, cannot turn off your love for these girls, because eventually you will end up "cheating," like you have already done. That does no one any good.

The point of being openly poly with them is to keep things honest. Do not hide your feelings. If you hide your love for one girl from another girl, in a way, that is a form of cheating.

It is a painful process, but you will get through it, and so will they.
 
Wow, that is such a fantastic glimmer of hope. Thank you so much, Nyx. I'm going to tell Lily of your story, if that's okay. She could definitely use the knowledge that someone has come out the other end of our same situation and is happy and sane.
 
I really wish I could drop my emotions and be capable of moving on. I'm not capable of hurting someone so deeply, and I'm actually afraid of what would happen to Lily.
If I said that, "I'll hate to lose you, but I must be true to my own nature", Lily would let me. She would obviously try to change my mind but she wants me to be happy. And maybe I would do it if I thought I would be happier, but I'm happier with Lily than with no one at all.

Arpeggi,

I can't improve on the information that has been given to you by the other folks that have responded to this thread. Excellent information from all! The thing that caught my attention in your above quote is that you make this statement as though you are an objective observer concerned with only the feelings of the others involved. It's your feelings for yourself that I think you are most concerned with.

As J pointed out, you want your cake and eat it too. It is not my intention to be harsh. It is all but impossible to mold someone against their own nature just to meet your needs and goals. I think what is going on here is that you, and perhaps Lily, are sitting on the dead center of the fence. Indecision is in fact a decision. It's the type of choice that we make when we want to avoid pain.

The difference is that the pain that results from getting off the fence brings about resolution and healing. The pain that results from indecision and staying on the fence is ongoing and never ending. It's avoidance of what needs to be done for both you and the women in your life. In a very real sense the next move is yours, and yours alone. I hope you choose to bring about resolution and healing.

Barry
 
What a story. Such passion!

Everyone has had such great responses. NYX, it was great to hear more of your story, especially. I love hearing peoples stories. It's why I love being here!

Arpeggi, my friend, you are a good writer, very passionate and a very deep emotional man. I admire that in you. You should be very proud of who you are in this world. Passionate people are generally frowned upon, but I can tell you, from one passionate person to the other, that we are really appreciated too. We bring the fire to any situation. Our fire brings energy.

My concern is that you will use your passion to do as I did in my past in the days, when poly was not in existence, and that is become a serial monogamist, and a cheater. I hurt many with my actions, thinking that I would make my life easier if I just cheated and hoped not to get caught. I was so wrong. It damaged ME in the end, far more than those I cheated on, and I have spent years recovering. It becomes addictive too, when you get away with things. That addiction still haunts me. I need good and hard rules now to keep me on the path (my own rules and those of others), which is why I dish out hard rules to others on here! :D

There is absolutely no way you can go wrong with sticking to your needs, respecting yourself as you are, considering and taking doors that open for you, and keeping others in mind (harming none and helping all). There is so much going on for each person involved. You have no control over that, and will never know all the details. So keep it simple and look after yourself first. The rest will follow.

It seems you are in need of knowing yourself more and understanding what it means to love others FOR YOU! Perhaps a break from all of it would be better... some recoup time and a chance to gain your strength back and learn from what you have experienced. There is so much time to get it right one day. There is no way to get it right other than to take time to reflect and give some space to the situation.

You sound like me, in that your love for others never dies. You will be amazed at what happens if you leave things alone for a while and leave them up to fate. The most beautiful things and the best answers come out of it.

Give yourself a hug, stand tall, clear your head, take a breath, feel your emotions inside your body, check what your gut says and move forward from that. That has never done me wrong, in the end.

Good luck, sweets. I will be rooting for you.
 
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