Rules? Annoying or necessary?

Marco

New member
When my quad started out, we had rules. I'm sure every new Polyamorous relationship does. Or maybe not.

But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?
 
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But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?


I think this would be a individual thing. For some I'm sure rules/boundaries are agreed upon with the idea that they are a starting point to build stability so that eventually they can be relaxed and maybe even removed. There are also the rules/boundaries that are core to the sustainability of a relationship for either both or one of the partners.

If you are feeling held back the only thing you can do is take that head on and see what if any give or flexibilty there is to feel free within your relationship. For some, certain rules have no flexibility and in that case, the end or reshaping of the relationship may be required for both to be healthy in the long run....for others the relationship may morph and expectations may change and be sustainable in a new and "less restrictive" manner.
 
I guess I look at "rules" as functioning like speed limits.
When we are new to driving and the physics involved, it may be necessary for someone to lay down some guidelines that protect us from ourselves and or own ignorance.
But long term, one would HOPE that any need for rules would fade away and be replaced with something flexible enough to accommodate all the twists and turns of the road. Rules are no substitute for good judgment, a caring outlook and knowledge/experience. Once these pieces are in place "rules" become rigid, counter productive and archaic.

GS
 
I suppose it depends on the rules, but I guess it might be restrictive.

What is important is to understand the spirit of the rule, not the letter of it. When you and your partners set forth these boundaries, did they explain why they wanted them? This is the heart of the matter.

If you feel like the rules are restricting you, talk to your primary. Figure out why they made those rules. Chances are it has to do with some insecurity or fear--and you're going to have to meet that fear with love. If you do this, maybe you'll figure out a way to understand what your partner needs from you before you can be less restricted within the quad.

Good luck.
 
I'm starting to reconsider the idea of the word "rules" or boundaries. I think I prefer the word "criteria".

Simply put, I have criteria to share myself in certain ways, other people also have criteria. If those criteria don't conflict than there is positivity and potential. If they do conflict than their is a logical outcome to the question of compatibility.

Rules imply restriction for sure. But those restrictions generally only bind one partner at a time I find, their often one sided.

In a truly monogamous relationship their is no rule that says you have to be sexually exclusive because it is the natural way for both who enter it. The couple is not being exclusive because they "have to" (unless one is actually not monogamous), they are being exclusive because that is how they show love and commitment and how they want to receive it. That is the criteria they have to share their lives in that way.

So if I stand up and say I have a rule I need my partner to follow, that is self serving and definitely takes a certain power away from their individuality. But if I express the criteria I need to share myself in a certain way than the power remains with my partner to decide if I meet their criteria to share in their life.
 
I agree with Mon.

I don't have any "rules" for relationship....

Ok-no-I do, have one;
I am in charge of my kids-it's my way or the highway-period.

Everything else is just a criteria.
I have LOTS of friends who don't meet my "lover criteria" and that's ok.
 
Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?
 
Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?

It sounds like you have personally experienced something like this? I'm not sure it happens a lot. I have boundaries that can be shifted or modified, but my "criteria" is fundamental to who I am....there's no relaxing but an increase in stability as time goes on. If there is an issue with incomparable criteria than that will be looked at as will the relationship.

Care to share a bit more?
 
Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?

I am really good (pat on self's back) at coming up with creative solutions, but not unless you want to get more specific.

Generally you do have to work with the limitations of the "weakest link" in a chain.
But often times there are ways to strengthen that link.......
 
I guess I'm just speaking in an overall broad sense. At first everyone's allowed to openly address each other with whatever pet name you felt comfortable with...then later, nope. The word becomes like nails on a chalkboard to their significant other. The name even gets changed on their cell phone back to your real name. Then later it's OK again...like a Yo-Yo effect. Seems insignificant but frustrating. Who knows, I probably just read too much into things anyways.
 
There are rules in my relationship. I am working with BE to break those down a bit. I would hate to blame what happened on those rules, but I sometimes think if they weren't there the three relationships involved may have been left to evolve to be stronger than just friendship.

Rules are simple
1 - BE is welcome to do what she wants as long as I know (this is an interesting one, because I made it, but she has no interest yet)
2 - I can be with other women (sexually) - BE must be involved
3 - Now..this is one I am putting in here for clarity. I pretty much date and go out with women when I please. Neither of us consider dating "cheating". So I date and meet with women freely. It is only the sex that is limited.

Hope that made sense. A lot of people see dating as something difficult and personal. Maybe its the way we were both brought up but dating and spending time with the opposite sex is very natural for both of us.

Don't get me wrong, number 2 is not completely limiting. Both of us have had a lot of fun, but this past relationship made me see the giant road block this creates. If BE or I had been allowed/willing to continue the sexual/intimiate relationship outside of the requirement of a threesome things may have been different. Who knows, hindsight is 20/20. But why have the road block there in the first place.

But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?

I think this is an easy one to work with, yet difficult in practice. Allow yourself to renegotiate. Life happens, let yourself learn and change the rules. And DON'T fall back to old rules in an argument. Once everyone agrees, those are the new rules. Continue renegotiating if needed.
 
Rights and Responsibilities, perhaps?

When my quad started out, we had rules. I'm sure every new Polyamorous relationship does. Or maybe not.

But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?

I like Mono's idea of thinking of some rules as criteria instead-- it's neat, Mon, hadn't occurred to me... What I use when I'm thinking about poly stuff is actually a pair of concepts: rights and responsibilities. For example, I have the right to be reasonably confident that I will not get an STD from my playmates or partners, which means that they have the responsibility to practice safer sex-- and because they have the same right, I also have that responsibility. (Rights and responsibilities tend to be opposite sides of the same coin, in my experience.)

It is true that many new to poly want firm, potentially restrictive rules as they dip their toes in. It's also true that members of long-standing relationships (mono or poly) often have very firm rights and responsibilities.

In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.

@Marco: If you feel like you can't be yourself, it's definitely re-evaluation time. I'd say you have the right to be yourself, and everyone involved with you (yourself included) has the responsibility to make that feasible. If I were in your shoes, I'd talk with everyone in the quad about how they're feeling when pet names are said-- Maybe it's just one specific one that's setting of hackles, or that everyone goes by the same name. I know I'm in a really permissive relationship with one of my primaries, and I still feel edgy and defensive every time he uses my pet name to address ANYONE else, even the cats! :(:rolleyes:

In any case, good luck! Thanks for sharing.
 
In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.

.

Nice approach my friend :)
 
It is true that many new to poly want firm, potentially restrictive rules as they dip their toes in. It's also true that members of long-standing relationships (mono or poly) often have very firm rights and responsibilities.

And of course this can bring up the secondary part to a ruleset. Everyone moves at different speeds. I like being wet and jump in after getting my toe wet. My wife is more inclined to move slowly. While its not a hard and fast rule, we both have to meet in the middle and get wet at more or less the same pace until certain comforts are met.

At least I am finding that right now...:eek::cool:
 
(Rights and responsibilities tend to be opposite sides of the same coin, in my experience.)

I would definitely agree with you on this one. Just never thought of it in exactly that way. Thank you!

In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.

Awesome.

Marco, I agree with the others. Renegotiation seems to be the order. And I also understand how one pet name only can cause these reactions. Gator has always called me princess and I've yet to hear him call Kitten that. I just do not think he will due to the reason he calls me that (and it isn't often that he does). The same for me calling him handsome. That's used as a noun in that instance.
 
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And of course this can bring up the secondary part to a ruleset. Everyone moves at different speeds.

That's probably the reason for most of the problems we've had to deal with.....moving too fast. But it's kind of hard to gauge who's having the most difficulty at the moment if they don't speak up. Another problem...communication.

Lol, headache after headache...seems never-ending sometimes. Like things have to boil over before we realize we have a mess on our hands. "What now? Damn." No cakewalk here, that's for sure.

And DON'T fall back to old rules in an argument.

Tell me about it. I'm about to start assigning expiration dates on rules.
 
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I would be very concerned if your rules were so restrictive that you find yourself tapping your foot waiting for them to change or disapear. I hope everything works out for you all.
 
That's probably the reason for most of the problems we've had to deal with.....moving too fast. But it's kind of hard to gauge who's having the most difficulty at the moment if they don't speak up. Another problem...communication.

Communication and compromise. :)...don't expect the fastest to go at a turtles pace, but communicate and hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle :)

Did you take a sentence out, about being cocky arrogant about success?..or was I daydreaming. Nothing wrong with being confident that it will work. I think thats a benefit (cocky maybe not)
 
Did you take a sentence out, about being cocky arrogant about success?..or was I daydreaming.

No, your eyes weren't deceiving you. I edited out.

See, even when faced with troubling & stressful situations, I'm a trash-talker. But I wasn't too sure how well that would go over on this forum, as I'm still a newbie here.
 
No, your eyes weren't deceiving you. I edited out.

See, even when faced with troubling & stressful situations, I'm a trash-talker. But I wasn't too sure how well that would go over on this forum, as I'm still a newbie here.

Some may not like it. However, I am usually fairly confident...cocky invokes a vision of something entirely different though. Be happy and confident...:)

Not everyone likes everything...
 
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