Compersion Suddenly Hits a Wall

Francesca, if you can get to the bottom of why you feel uncomfortable with the two of them getting sexy time together without you, and deal with that, you will be far better off in the long run than if you deal with it by having other people change their behaviour to suit you. This is something you can apply to any relationship. It doesn't even have to be about sex.

I had more to say but i have to get off the train now.
 
I feel like I've been where you are, in regards to not being comfortable with my hubby and metamour being alone together, though we don't do threesomes (yet?:p). I really loved this article to explain to Q and Miss M that I was working on things, but needed to move slowly. Good luck!
 
Great article

Thank for the link! What a great read on jealousy!
 
Tonight is the night

MD, FJ and I are hanging out tonight sans children. I am back to feeling really good about everything, and hopeful that tonight goes well. FJ and MD have both been checking in with me and very supportive, and so I feel amazing. One concern is that MD still keeps saying things about making sure fJ and I are ok, that I shouldn't worry about her, that I should only worry about us etc. I wonder how I can make it clear that her wants and needs matter as much as mine or his do. I've said as much, but she's relegating herself to an inferior position. As someone who is very concerned about the whole "unicorn" version of poly, I don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own. Any experience with this?
 
Its not easy managing a triad no matter what the dynamic. I am in a similar situation as you and still finding my way through it. My wife and I are deeply commited to each other. Our GF has a loving romance and NRE with my wife. Our GF and I are in love also, but have just started exploring our own dyad intimacy. And we three have an intimate relationship, though it seems that lately its has been far and few times. Some of that is situational and some of that is difficulty with feelings. I usually experience compersion, but sometimes I don't and that is hard for everyone. I think it's not always easy to see the two you love being so into each other, and feeling like you are on the outside. My best advice....communicate communicate communicate. We use verbal communication and an online journal to share our feelings and thoughts. Just because you have the thoughts of being flexible doesn't mean the actual action is easy to do or maintain. It's easy to get hurt or be misunderstood. Keep those lines of communication open and don't be afraid to ask for what you need...not just what you want.

Best of Luck to you all.

S
 
Re (from franchescasc):
"One concern is that MD still keeps saying things about making sure FJ and I are okay, that I shouldn't worry about her, that I should only worry about us etc.. I wonder how I can make it clear that her wants and needs matter as much as mine or his do. I've said as much, but she's relegating herself to an inferior position. As someone who is very concerned about the whole 'unicorn' version of poly, I don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own. Any experience with this?"

No, but I would suggest be gently persistent with her, saying, "No, honey, your feelings are just as important as ours. We don't want you relegated to an inferior position." She might need to hear that a lot of times (put a lot of different ways) before she starts to feel secure about it.

Personally I think the keys here are just slowing the general speed down a little (not bringing anything to a stop), investing a bit more of your time right now into communicating with each other and getting to the bottom of your feelings, and not quite as much of the sexy action until you all kind of know what your limits are and how to navigate them.

The thing with MD and FJ being together (just them two) might be partly a trust issue on your part. Or perhaps more precisely, would you trust them to still be as interested in you as ever after they had had time alone together with each other?

I like the idea of working up to that, such as them spending non-sexy time together at first, and give you time to work that out in your mind. In any case, I'm sure you guys are already deep in your conversation so I just wish it to go well, and I recommend you follow up with future conversations, once a week, once a month, something like that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Update

We have talked a lot, but unfortunately not formally. Saturday ended up being a day we hung out because someone MD worked with and has known forever committed suicide the day before. Mostly we hung out to take her mind off of things. We went out, and then back to her house to hang out. Her and FJ were affectionate, but nothing over the top, all of it was great and I was happy. At one point, FJ fell asleep, and it was alluded to that I would pick up the kids from the babysitter and leave him asleep. I was comfortable the whole night until this point. Boo. So I woke FJ up, and we left. MD confessed that she really wanted him to stay, and she felt guilty because she wanted to be with *just* him.

So-this is my biggest insecurity. That the romance between MD and I will no longer exist now that her and FJ are involved. I don't worry about FJ and I at all, he has provided me lots of reassurance, and honestly our bond is so strong. I expressed this insecurity to MD, and she responded that her feelings haven't changed, and that she has feelings for both of us and loves spending time with me.

So here's the thing: Is it totally nitpicky of me to have wanted to hear her say "I want to be with you alone too. My desire for you intimately hasn't changed"?.....I just feel like I specifically told her my insecurity is that our passion for each other will change, and she is saying she likes spending time with me....Idk. I hate that this has changed a blissful, constantly flirting dynamic into one of worry and constant analyzation. I'm tired. I want that back. It makes me want to just work through my shit on my own and not constantly talk about it. In the meantime, her and FJ are texting and I feel like I'm a wet towel. Middle ground?

And by the way, I did let MD & FJ know separately that I totally understand that they will have their own relationship, separate from me. It's ridiculous to think that we are a package deal. I get that, and I am working on being totally comfortable with that.

We still plan to sit down and talk, we all agree how important it is. Soon I hope.
 
I don't think it's too picky of you to want to hear that she wants to spend time alone with you, and i think you should say to her, "i still want time together just the two of us. I hope you do also. How do YOU feel about that?"

This is not a trick question. It's very straightforward and does not require pinning down of times, durations, and frequencies. If she mumbles things or acts evasive or gets squirmy about it, then she is either not really that into you after all but really wants to get near your husband, OR she is poor at communicating under these circumstances.

I can't continue to advise any further without speculating and assuming a great many things, some of which haven't even happened yet. If you do decide to use the approach i described above, and the answer is something other than "Yes, i DO want to spend time alone with you still", then you will know which thing the answer means by her non-verbal communication ( body language and eye contact).
 
Completely concur with BorningGuy.

Poly relationships go through many stages. The growth stages often aren't nearly as fun as the NRE stages. But growth is necessary in order for the relationship to stay strong and be long-term. You will have times when the simple pleasures fall back into place. Don't be discouraged if there's some road blocks in between those times.

Given the overall very positive nature of the relationship between the three of you, I see it through optimistic lenses. I think you will get the present issues worked out (though I admit my forecasts are not all 100% reliable).
 
Being straightforward

I don't think it's too picky of you to want to hear that she wants to spend time alone with you, and i think you should say to her, "i still want time together just the two of us. I hope you do also. How do YOU feel about that?"

I need to write these things down. Straightforward is usually my style, but I don't want to feel like MD is saying things just because they are what I want to hear. Guess that's why I've been a little fuzzy at times. This way of phrasing it though is good. Thanks!
 
Here goes nothing...

Set my boundaries with FJ, communicated my insecurities to MD and received reassurances from both. Been working on the root of my jealousy and I feel good. Tonight I'm working a side gig-one I absolutely LOVE doing-and MD and FJ are having dinner at our house together. I'm happy to be occupied, and have full confidence FJ will respect my boundaries. Namely that they don't sneak off for sexy time while the kids are awake. That's a no-brainer for me. Otherwise I hope they enjoy each other while I'm enjoying my own gig. And that they feel my love through my support :)
 
That sounds like great news franchescasc; I hope you will all three continue to enjoy positive progress with each other.
 
Yes, congrats!
 
that's very reasonable and why would anyone who is a good parent NEED to have sex while the kids are awake (or nearby, if the kids are older and don't sleep much - send 'em to the movies or something and THEN fuck, LOL).

If you feel panicky, just keep reminding yourself that this is one day out of all the days to come, and that the time will go by and you'll see them both and they will be glad to see you and to have had their time together.
 
that's very reasonable and why would anyone who is a good parent NEED to have sex while the kids are awake (or nearby, if the kids are older and don't sleep much - send 'em to the movies or something and THEN fuck, LOL).

Silly BG, I know you aren't a parent. My ex and I used to have nightly sex when our night owl teenagers were up and walking around the house. We'd've spent a fortune on movies... 3 teenagers at $11 each, every night? LOL.
 
Silly BG, I know you aren't a parent. My ex and I used to have nightly sex when our night owl teenagers were up and walking around the house. We'd've spent a fortune on movies... 3 teenagers at $11 each, every night? LOL.



Well if you're comfortable doing that, that's your business. I know you weren't being condescending about me not being a parent so i will return the favor and tell you how it is: i may not be a parent, but i did HAVE parents, and there was one time we were on vacation in a motel room with 2 double beds, i was about 9 or 10, and i woke up in the middle of the night and realized my parents were having sex in the other bed. I wanted to get up and get a drink or take a piss, but i was too embarrassed and weirded out by it that i waited until they were done & i don't even remember if i actially got up or fell asleep without taking care of my business. So you see, i am very qualified to have a strong opinion about this even though i have not birthed a babby nor have i been responsible for the care and well being of a child on a day to day basis.

That is all.
 
We Westerners are so hung up about sex. It is shocking to realize most families on earth share one large room for all living, all activities.

I am sorry for your trauma though. Rest assured our marital bedroom was in a separate wing of the house from where the kids hung out in the evening.

When they were littles tho, yeah. We didn't have much sex at all. Hence, making up for it when they became independent!
 
Thank you for validating my trauma, lol. My parents did not raise me in a sexual vacuum, i mean, my father used to leave Hustler magazine in the bathroom under the Popular Mechanics, so when The People Vs. Larry Flynt came out, it brought back a lot of childhood memories... Also, i think my father did me a favor by spanking me because otherwise i might not have such a kinky sex life as i do now. A lot has happened since the last time you and i talked. I've added some new things and expanded upon others. But none of that is boring enough to talk about in public.

Anyway, i was not raised to believe that sex is dirty or shameful, but i was raised to believe that sex is private and that it is not something parents involve their children in, even though sex is what causes children to exist. My parents probably did have sex many other times that i never knew about because i either did not know what it was when it was happening, or because i did not wake up when it was happening. But my parents never said to me, "if you ever wake up and realize we're having sex, here are some ways you can deal with it: 1) make some sounds like you're waking up so we'll know you're awake and we'll stop 2) tell us you're awake and you can get up and leave... Etc.

I mean, let's get into this, because this is a good discussion to have. As a matter of fact, i was about to tell the story about the Hustler magazines in that thread started by the disabled woman with the 10 year old son looking at porn, but the thread went south before i got the chance to do that. So, let's hear people's thoughts on how to prepare the children for when they unexpectedly find their parent/s in the middle of having sex. Other than raising a family from scratch in a one-room dwelling ( which is part of ceratin cultures i think due to limited space and alternative options, not because of said culture being so much more "comfortable with sexuality" than western culture), how do you equip a child, especially a child at an age where sexuality is becoming a conscious "thing" to him or her, with the personal and interpersonal skills to handle themselves when they find themselves in the same room with their parents in the middle of sweaty humping? This is not the same thing as telling a child to knock if the bedroom door is closed.

Personally, i think that it is a sign of healthy and appropriate personal boundaries for someone to be squicked out by seeing or knowing about their parents' sex lives. Sure everyone has sex, but incest and raping children is WRONG, i don't care if it's perfectly acceptable in "other cultures", if that is so, then "other cultures" are WRONG. It is WRONG to involve your own children in your sex life, whether by deliberately molesting them or by not making sure they are not confronted with it by surprise or against their will. When the kids are adults and have the capability of making an informed choice like whether to watch their parents fuck, by all means i support the right for people to invite their children into the conjugal bed. But at any time during the formative years, it's just wrong to knowingly and purposely put one's children in that awkward situation. It's very selfish and nonempathetic, too. I feel relieved and glad that i will never have to deal with these matters from the position of being a parent.

Perhaps the moderator could split these last few posts into another thread...
 
I know this is getting very OT but...
it just reminds me so much of what my stepdaughter said when my husband told her about us being poly.
she was 20 at the time and said "stop! I'm sure you're very happy and all but I'm your daughter and I don't want to think about you having sex with my mom (his ex) with Cleo or with anyone else! so don't talk to me about this! ever!"

and she's very smart and they have a great, honest relationship where they talk about lots of things.
 
Not neccessarily OT

It's one thing to walk in on your parents....an entirely different one to walk in on your dad and his gf-KWIM?

We deal with sex questions very frankly in our home. The kids have questions and we answer appropriately. For example my 10 year old son had the talk and then had follow up questions for days. The last one-Doesn't it hurt the woman? Um-awkward!

The boundary for me is confusing our children before we are committed to changing our family structure. I've also shared that MD's daughter has a shitty father, and I would hate for her to get attached before we figure out if we can handle it.

And by sexy time I meant anything past a stolen kiss away from the kids or leaning up against each other on the couch watching tv. Not while our kids are around.
 
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