I had a couple of questions ....you said your boyfriend reluctantly got into this lifestyle.... How long was he married to his current wife before she pushed for this new dynamic?
He's been with his wife for over ten years, I'm not sure of the exact number. They've only been poly for less than a year. She didn't push him into it, though. She said she wanted it, they discussed it for about six months before he agreed to it, and after establishing boundaries, which I won't get into because they don't really affect me. Suffice it to say that he has her blessing to pursue other relationships fully, but I have sensed that he has really only agreed to this for her. As much as he likes the idea of sexual variety, he would go back to being mono in a heartbeat if that's what she wanted. I want him to make a choice either to be with me or not, though - and to really fucking be with me, he's gotta pursue me and let me know he wants me, so I'm not always trying to fish it out of him and then he says, "yeah, you're right." He seems to let women take the lead in his life, and I don't want to be one of them. Let him be his own man, it would be more attractive to me.
Oh, and we've not yet gotten to the point where I can say he's my boyfriend. We simply agreed to explore a LDR together to see where it goes.
How did you find each other....living in a city 19million why would you have to travel that far? Has he ever discussed those early conversations he had with his wife about entering this lifestyle? Does he ever read this forum or post? if so whats his user name?
We found each other on OKCupid and enjoyed our online relationship immensely for a month and a half. Then we met and I think he got scared. I don't
have to travel that far to find a guy to date, I do meet and date men locally, too. But I like him, so why not! I'm somewhat familiar with his city because I used to visit a friend there frequently in the early 90s, and he's pretty familiar with NYC from working here.
As far as his discussions with his wife, I do not pry into that. I feel it isn't my business what they talk about nor how they conduct their relationship, beyond what applies to or affects me. That doesn't mean I don't have opinions about what he tells me, though I try not to say anything that would be construed as advice or interference. Whenever he talks about his marriage, I try to just listen without offering opinions.
When we started out, I really only wanted to know if any of their rules would have an impact on me, and asked that he would let the success of our relationship be determined by the two of us, and not his relationship with his wife. In other words, I didn't want to be investing in this as a girlfriend only to be dropped like a hot potato if she got uncomfortable with me. I know that isn't a guarantee, though, because you really never know what could happen, and I have no control of it beyond my participation, but it just sort of felt good to ask for that consideration. She emailed me a few times and is very enthusiastic about his involvement with me.
Why not just date locally and not worry about poly stuff until you feel the need to start another relationship??? Do you prefer being in the secondary role?
I don't know what you mean by "worry about poly stuff." I am in another relationship with someone I see about twice a week. He's wonderful, btw. And I actively date other guys, too. It's not every day nor even every week (I only have so much energy), but I do see other people. I am honest with all of them that I am not looking for exclusivity.
As to your "secondary" question, I don't abide by those hierarchical designations myself. To me, all the guys I am involved with (once we get beyond the casual dating stage) would be equally important to me. I don't really give a shit what title someone gives me in their life, as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary or someone's whore. All I ever tell any potential bf who is poly and has other relationships is that I need to feel respected. There's something else I tell them but I can't remember what it is right now because I have a splitting headache at the moment.