Long distance love

Cindie, it's so weird to have you talking about your bfs here instead of on your nice cozy blog!

Well, I dug up this thread to post about it because I thought I needed help with handling my LDR. But it seems the issues are not exactly about that (is it even a relationship?), and so I have devolved this thread into something more personal I guess. LOL.
 
hey cindie,

I had a couple of questions ....you said your boyfriend reluctantly got into this lifestyle.... How long was he married to his current wife before she pushed for this new dynamic? How did you find each other....living in a city 19million why would you have to travel that far? Has he ever discussed those early conversations he had with his wife about entering this lifestyle? Does he ever read this forum or post? if so whats his user name?

I'm sorry I have no advice on LDR's form my experience out of sight out of mind.

I did date 2 girls who happened to live in your fair city....well actually date might be over stating ...went out with when I came to town....I live in the Midwest. once or twice...sometimes 3 times a month had to go to NYC ....avoid Manhattan in Aug during a garbage strike. In Chicago there are alleys for the garbage collection ....one good thing that came out of the fire.

Why not just date locally and not worry about poly stuff until you feel the need to start another relationship??? Do you prefer being in the secondary role?
 
Hey dinged, read her blog, its very good.
 
I had a couple of questions ....you said your boyfriend reluctantly got into this lifestyle.... How long was he married to his current wife before she pushed for this new dynamic?
He's been with his wife for over ten years, I'm not sure of the exact number. They've only been poly for less than a year. She didn't push him into it, though. She said she wanted it, they discussed it for about six months before he agreed to it, and after establishing boundaries, which I won't get into because they don't really affect me. Suffice it to say that he has her blessing to pursue other relationships fully, but I have sensed that he has really only agreed to this for her. As much as he likes the idea of sexual variety, he would go back to being mono in a heartbeat if that's what she wanted. I want him to make a choice either to be with me or not, though - and to really fucking be with me, he's gotta pursue me and let me know he wants me, so I'm not always trying to fish it out of him and then he says, "yeah, you're right." He seems to let women take the lead in his life, and I don't want to be one of them. Let him be his own man, it would be more attractive to me.

Oh, and we've not yet gotten to the point where I can say he's my boyfriend. We simply agreed to explore a LDR together to see where it goes.

How did you find each other....living in a city 19million why would you have to travel that far? Has he ever discussed those early conversations he had with his wife about entering this lifestyle? Does he ever read this forum or post? if so whats his user name?
We found each other on OKCupid and enjoyed our online relationship immensely for a month and a half. Then we met and I think he got scared. I don't have to travel that far to find a guy to date, I do meet and date men locally, too. But I like him, so why not! I'm somewhat familiar with his city because I used to visit a friend there frequently in the early 90s, and he's pretty familiar with NYC from working here.

As far as his discussions with his wife, I do not pry into that. I feel it isn't my business what they talk about nor how they conduct their relationship, beyond what applies to or affects me. That doesn't mean I don't have opinions about what he tells me, though I try not to say anything that would be construed as advice or interference. Whenever he talks about his marriage, I try to just listen without offering opinions.

When we started out, I really only wanted to know if any of their rules would have an impact on me, and asked that he would let the success of our relationship be determined by the two of us, and not his relationship with his wife. In other words, I didn't want to be investing in this as a girlfriend only to be dropped like a hot potato if she got uncomfortable with me. I know that isn't a guarantee, though, because you really never know what could happen, and I have no control of it beyond my participation, but it just sort of felt good to ask for that consideration. She emailed me a few times and is very enthusiastic about his involvement with me.
Why not just date locally and not worry about poly stuff until you feel the need to start another relationship??? Do you prefer being in the secondary role?
I don't know what you mean by "worry about poly stuff." I am in another relationship with someone I see about twice a week. He's wonderful, btw. And I actively date other guys, too. It's not every day nor even every week (I only have so much energy), but I do see other people. I am honest with all of them that I am not looking for exclusivity.

As to your "secondary" question, I don't abide by those hierarchical designations myself. To me, all the guys I am involved with (once we get beyond the casual dating stage) would be equally important to me. I don't really give a shit what title someone gives me in their life, as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary or someone's whore. All I ever tell any potential bf who is poly and has other relationships is that I need to feel respected. There's something else I tell them but I can't remember what it is right now because I have a splitting headache at the moment.
 
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It weirds me out that this thread was originally by PN's girlfriend at the time. :( Is there anyway we can move this convo on somewhere else as it is kinda swaying from the original theme? I would be grateful. :eek:
 
Well, I really wanna get back to the topic of managing long-distance relationships. That's why I resurrected this thread. It seemed to have the most relevant info I was looking for out of the threads I found, but we took a tangent. I tried to keep it on topic, but people had questions, etc.

I do wish I had received more feedback on keeping my LDR fresh. :`(

No one really answered me:
I feel like I want to write him a thoughtful compassionate email, to take the pressure off and let him know that when he is ready or able to choose "us" as a relationship in his life he is willing to invest in, to let me know. I won't wait around but if it feels right, I will consider it. I don't want him to think I'm pissed off (I'm really not).

Or should I wait for us to speak on the phone? Is sending an email cowardly?

Would this be easier of it weren't long-distance? I don't know. In some ways I think it might be harder. Oh well.
The last LDR I had was back in the long-ago days of waiting for Mr. Postman to deliver letters from my far-away love. I feel like I have no clue what's appropriate now. I know I hated it when Shorty broke up with me in an email. I don't want to end it with Burnsy, just tell him what I wrote above. But is email for important messages acceptable in a modern-day LDR? Or is it still a cowardly thing to do?
 
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A sincere email with a true friend is acceptable, I think. But better would probably be a phone call, I suppose -- since voices carry some of the info lost from f2f relating (though not all!). Ideally, important things should be shared face to face. As I recall, he lives not too far distant, so .... (?)

My far-away love-interest lives twelve hundred miles away. Count your lucky stars.
 
Well, shoot, my boytoy just drifted away. He only lives about 45 mins away. I didnt even get a damn text or im chat to understand why he has stopped coming around. But he's only 23, so I put it down to his age, and the fact that he must think our somewhat NSa arrgt means he doesn't owe me an explanation.

And my latest guy, lives right in my city, told me during our 2nd date he "wants to see where this is going," has also apparently dumped me, without showing me the respect of a text, email, phonecall or anything! Much less a face to face meeting, which would be so easy, as he only lives goddam 10 mins away!

Sooo... I think an email or three between you and Burnsy would show plenty of respect in this day and age.
 
Magdlyn,

Seems to me that you should let it be known right out the outset with guys you might like to "date" (as they call it) that you're flatly not interested in seriously authenticity and intimacy challenged folks, scaredy cats, losers and weenies. Just screen them all at the door. The weenies and creeps will run screaming while the gold star guys will stick around, happy to be the real deal.
 
River, thanks for the advice. Do you really think I haven't been trying to screen? Men with hardons will say anything to get in your pants. This is a well known and admitted fact. Men themselves admit it.

I can only go by what they say and their body language. I spent hours with this latest guy. A 2 hour lunch. Several emails. We discovered many shared interests, art, travel, nature, spirituality. And certain sexual kinks, I admit, though we didn't focus on that overly much. (But it is important, of course!) He also said all the women he'd dated since his divorce 5 years ago wanted a committed one on one relationship leading to marriage, and how he was glad to find one such as me.

So! I invited him over for dinner and DVD, since he'd shown an interest in Eddie Izzard and I've got a collection. He seemed a gentle highly respectful man, a Buddhist like yourself, very disciplined.

We spent that night talking deeply and philosophically, as well as sharing humor, for 1 1/2 hours, then the 2 hour movie, with a little cuddling. Then I asked him outright: "I know it's too soon to talk about a relationship, but how do you feel about us?" He said fervently, "I am interested in seeing where this is going."

So, I kissed him. We had a makeout session. I stopped that after 20-30 mins as it was getting late (and I didnt want to go too far sexually on the 2nd date, of course.) He expressed much appreciation for me as a person and for our shared passion, told me he looked forward to our next date, and left.

Soon after that, his ex wife started giving him grief around certain child custody issues. Fine, OK. He needed time to deal with that. Then I went on vacation. I have texted him twice since I got back. No answer, not word one. And I see he's been on OKC, is the thing! He's ignoring me and looking at or talking to others.

Fucking sucks!
 
Magdlyn,

Maybe he somehow didn't get your text messages? Do you have his phone #, mailing address, email...? I think you two have been close enough that you're due a direct response to "So, what's up?".

BTW, I just had a similar experience with the "Long Lost Love". He totally bailed on communication with me as soon as I told him that it seemed he was a bit cool and distant, as I was experiencing him. (And he was; this is not insecurity or nothin', nor clinging or grasping. He simply let it be known he's not into telephone or email much, and didn't seek an alternative means of communication.) So I'm feelin' ya.
 
Nycindie: I think writing an e-mail would be good, because that way you get to tell him all the things you want and have time to think how to say them. If he wants to talk about it more, he can call you after reading the e-mail, right? I don't think writing an e-mail about important things is cowardly.

I have been in LDRs, in one that changed into LDR after living together for years and also in one that started out as a LDR. I think every form of communication is important. Sometimes it feels better to write down your thoughts especially if they feel complex and hard to explain, in that case an e-mail is the best. Sometimes it's better to talk via Skype and webcam because you get to see each other and that adds another dimension to the communication. Sometimes I prefer chatting via messenger etc, if I want to communicate briefly but can't/don't want to talk for some reason.

In general on how to keep a LDR fresh, I think it's important to keep contact quite often. That way you get to talk about things that happened during the day, the not-so-important-stuff as well. If you only speak once a week, it's likely that the conversations are more serious and about important subjects. Not necessarily though, but that's my experience. I think sharing the less important things as well keeps the connection in better shape because you feel that the partner is a part of your day to day life.
 
Magdlyn,

Maybe he somehow didn't get your text messages? Do you have his phone #, mailing address, email...? I think you two have been close enough that you're due a direct response to "So, what's up?".

Of course I have his phone #, or I wouldnt be able to text him. I've got his email, and his okc account.

I'm going to call him tonight. Whether he answers or not, i will speak my mind, and at least get it off my chest.

BTW, I just had a similar experience with the "Long Lost Love". He totally bailed on communication with me as soon as I told him that it seemed he was a bit cool and distant, as I was experiencing him. (And he was; this is not insecurity or nothin', nor clinging or grasping. He simply let it be known he's not into telephone or email much, and didn't seek an alternative means of communication.) So I'm feelin' ya.

I'm very sorry to hear that. :(
 
In general on how to keep a LDR fresh, I think it's important to keep contact quite often. That way you get to talk about things that happened during the day, the not-so-important-stuff as well. If you only speak once a week, it's likely that the conversations are more serious and about important subjects. Not necessarily though, but that's my experience. I think sharing the less important things as well keeps the connection in better shape because you feel that the partner is a part of your day to day life.
I don't have a webcam. We were texting every day and talking on the phone once a week. He says he hates talking on the phone (although we never had a phone call for less than 90 minutes). Then he told me he thought texting every day was too much, and when I backed off is when I noticed certain inequities and things started to slide.

So, how to keep an LDR fresh when everyday contact is not desired (or possible)? I would think there has to be a stronger foundation there, but how do you build a long-distance relationship mostly online? This is what perplexes me. It would be different if we met in real life and then were separated, but starting out this way... maybe I'm just too old for this shit. Hmm.
 
Great tip to read the blog ....makes for better and more coherent questions...thanks


The reason I asked about the your boyfriends relationship was the possible relate-ability of the thread I started in which you and I had several back and forth interactions. When I read this I was thinking ...wow this guy may have had very similar conversations along the way....

Worrying about the poly stuff:
I was under the assumption that if you were using an on line dating site....that you would have about 10,000 non poly matches right in your backyard to weed through. So kicking out a match that was poly but was 2.5 hr away must have been something in the input process ... and hence the LDR difficulty

The comment about secondary status....I thought perhaps just coming out of a divorce you may not want that type of relationship ...which is why you selected to get involved with a guy who is in a ten year plus marriage... texting once or twice a day and a weekly phone call ...how would he describe it ?? How does his wife describe it ...and how does she describe her relationships with her other lovers? Have you had any of these conversations with him or her???
 
Worrying about the poly stuff:
I was under the assumption that if you were using an on line dating site....that you would have about 10,000 non poly matches right in your backyard to weed through. So kicking out a match that was poly but was 2.5 hr away must have been something in the input process ... and hence the LDR difficulty . . . How does his wife describe it ...and how does she describe her relationships with her other lovers? Have you had any of these conversations with him or her???
You make it sound like "how could I choose a poly guy over non-poly?" as if non-poly is preferable. Well, I date anyone who is open to non-exclusivity, whether they ID as poly or not. And Burnsy is a great guy, very smart, attractive, we had good online chemistry, both work in the same industry, had fun conversations, and definite sexual attraction. That's why I moved forward to embark on an LDR with him. It wasn't what either of us were looking for, but we didn't rule it out. What do non-poly people in my own backyard have to do with it?

As to his wife, I know she has one boyfriend and was starting to consider having another, but I haven't asked about that since he first told me and don't know what she calls them or anything. I told you, I don't pry into their relationship. He tells me more about how he's tried to meet women than what she does.
 
I called the guy I mentioned upthread, R, tonight. I got voicemail on the 2nd ring. Instead of launching into him, I just said I'd like to talk to you, please call me when you get a chance. This was at 9:30PM, so I assume he was in for the night on a worknight. I'll give him a day or two, and then call again and really speak my mind. I don't even want him at this point, but some sort of closure sure would be nice. How rude! 2 pleasant dates, talking all about our histories, families, philosophies of life, quite a bit of texting, telling me he wants to see where this is going. And the sexual thing... he's a sub and told me he wanted to worship me as a Goddess and do everything to please me. And then, and yet, nada.

Pfffff.... And he calls himself a Buddhist. Nice karma, dude!
 
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I think you are misunderstand the nature of my comment....it was purely logistical ....living in a large urban city you must have been out ....and got introduced to someone ....spent the night bar hopping ...had a one in stand... because the person lives in the suburbs.....logistical problem . I guy who worked for the same firm I did lived in Manhattan and on the weekends would go stay this his parents in Long Island to visit his girl friend. During the week he was out with work people..other women then on the weekend he'd go see his long time girl friend. It was a logistical problem.

I have absolutely no knowledge of how dating sites work ....so I'm under the assumption that their is a geography type question...and other filters. And it was the arrangement of the filters that's put you two together.

Being single gives you the option of how and when to declare your poly nature.
 
Magdlyn,

Actually, when I look back at my attempts to make new kissy-cuddly-lovey guy friends, I certainly have to agree with your assessment of men, in general. I don't like agreeing. It bugs me to agree. I hate steriotypes. But it seems to be true that men, on average, are severely lacking in social skills, compassion, kindness, honesty and the like. Brutes, if you will.

(Any guys reading this who aren't such brutes, and who live in the Northernly portions of New Mexico, are welcome to say hello!)
 
I'll confess that I hate talking on the phone. Always have! And in groups, I tend to be very quiet. If I had a penny for every time someone said to me, "I don't think I have ever heard your accent", I'd be rich. Okay. Not rich. But I would have a lot of pennies.

I tend to fair better in writing. Emails, IMing, text messages. That I can do! But ask me to call you, and I am like...."Do I have to?" That doesn't mean I am bad at communication, just that I dislike speaking on the phone. It probably has to do with not always having something to say, which can lead to awkward silences. Face to face, silences can be filled with facial expressions, activities, and such.

I was able to maintain a long distant relationship for 18 months, until I finally moved State side. Thousands of lines of text, but very few phones calls. I was pretty much in constant communication for every day.

As it happens, I do possess compassion, kindness, and honesty....I'm just not in New Mexico.
 
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