Guidelines & Boundaries vs. Rules: Merged Threads, General Discussion

What are your poly relationship rules or boundaries?

As someone who has just done a lot of revisiting and renegotiation of boundaries/agreements with my husband and girlfriend, and as someone who has been reading numerous threads about people trying to come up with a list of boundaries/agreements that work for them, I definitely thought it would be helpful to have a thread where people could share their current boundaries that exist in their relationships. I thought it would be particularly helpful for people newer to polyamory to see the wide variety of ways that people make polyamory work for them while they try to navigate their own way through boundary/agreements negotiations.

There are so many unique situations, with interesting and varied people creating boundaries/agreements that work specifically for their relationships, comfort zones and lifestyles. Arriving at a set of boundaries/agreements that work for everyone requires a lot of communication, negotiation, and a willingness to listen with an open heart. Some people like to write them out (even sign them!) others prefer verbal communication, some people have very few or no boundaries at all!
 
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With my gf it's almost entirely unstated, but essentially that we practice safer sex, honesty, and respect. With my bf, all of the above plus that I not start any new relationships at the time being, and that when we decide together that we're at a place where that can happen we talk about the person in question first and he gets to meet and evaluate them before things proceed.
 
My mono husband is not so keen on poly, but after a year and a half we've negotiated ways for me to have relationships with two men. No penetrative or oral sex, no intimacy in front of others (even holding hands), no intimacy in my house, and no spending nights together. Also my husband doesn't want to be told what goes on or have either of the men talk to him about their relationships with me, and he's not keen on developing a friendship with the one he didn't already know before I got involved.

For the men, they've offered to tell me if they get involved with anyone else. They're also each mono so I expect them each to eventually find partners that can be more for them, which will change their relationships with me.

We've just reached this happy place in recent weeks, and it seems to be working for us. I've only seen one of them since this agreement was reached, and am extremely excited about seeing the other one in a week. Hopefully it will stay comfortable for my husband.
 
As someone who has just done a lot of revisiting and renegotiation of boundaries/agreements with my husband and girlfriend, and as someone who has been reading numerous threads about people trying to come up with a list of boundaries/agreements that work for them, I definitely thought it would be helpful to have a thread where people could share their current boundaries that exist in their relationships. I thought it would be particularly helpful for people newer to polyamory to see the wide variety of ways that people make polyamory work for them while they try to navigate their own way through boundary/agreements negotiations.

There are so many unique situations, with interesting and varied people creating boundaries/agreements that work specifically for their relationships, comfort zones and lifestyles. Arriving at a set of boundaries/agreements that work for everyone requires a lot of communication, negotiation, and a willingness to listen with an open heart. Some people like to write them out (even sign them!) others prefer verbal communication, some people have very few or no boundaries at all!

Not many right now. My girlfriend and I are allowed to love each other and have a bit of privacy. And I give the same to the relationship between her and her husband.

No kinky bondage sex (i don't go for that anyhow). Other than that... not much.

I for one would not be in a relationship where I could not love. Where I had to have every action supervised by another. No way. Not even for a minute.

So I have boundaries of another kind. It would feel very much like a violation if her husband wanted to have full control over our relationship. And I would never try to demand to be given details of his relationship with his wife.

So.... May I politely suggest that you are not the only one in your little threesome who feels like your boundaries are being pushed. I feel for your unicorn.
 
For the time being I've asked that they refrain from any public declarations of love, which they've agreed to and upheld. My husband is not to exchange any pictures or video with anyone else but my metamour. That's it so far.
 
Hmm, had to think about this one because it has been a while since we've discussed boundaries. I would have to say that the two boundaries Runic Wolf still holds me to are

1) No sex in his car.

2) No making dates for alone time/ play time with Wendigo w/o discussing it with him first. IE: No sneaking your boyfriend into the house when I'm not home. And if Wendigo somehow manages to surprise me and stop by, I have to let Runic Wolf know it happened.

As for the other half of our quad, there are 3 boundaries in place that are for Pretty Lady's comfort because this is her first foray into poly and she believe's she is monoamarous and thus limits our relationships with her to FWB.

1) Wendigo and I are not to engage in BDSM activities with each other in her presence; though that boundary has loosened to allow him to claw me during sex.

2) Wendigo and I agreed to limit our declarations of love. When this all started 2 1/2 years ago, Wendigo and I tried pretty damned hard not to fall in love, failed miserably and got caught up in NRE for almost a year. For the first month of our relationship we were pretty lovey dovey verbally and over instant messanger; partly because we were held by a no PIV intercourse boundary by Pretty Lady. The night that we chose to break that boundary, we were somewhat drunk, but I won't use that as an excuse. We chose to break it and cried afterwards fully realizing what the consquences might be only after our hormones had cooled. Thankfully, Pretty Lady is an amazing woman and agreed that we'd all been a bit misguided to think that expecting Wendigo to only give me oral and not have any release himself was a fair agreement. So the boundary was changed from no PIV intercourse to no being all lovey dovey and limiting our declarations of love. This boundary is much easier for us to respect. We don't feel the need to be all lovey dovey now that the NRE is gone and we know how we feel about each other, so saying it less does not make it less so. Still I almost caught myself saying I love you when we hung up our Skype conversation the other night; partially because Wendigo hasn't had a phone in months and this was our first real life talk over Skype and I customarily say I love you and good bye to the people I talk to on the phone; my parents, siblings, Yoda, and Runic Wolf. So it was more out of habit than any need to say it; though I stopped myself just to be sure b/c I knew that Pretty Lady was a few feet away on her own computer and w/o discussing it first, I didn't want to put him in a position of saying it back even out of habit himself.

3) We have always had a privacy/ secrecy boundary. As in we will not do anything to draw attention to our quad or let on that we are anything more than good friends to those who are not already aware of the relationship and we will not come out to any more of our friends. This became even more important in January when Pretty Lady and I agreed to a one time only 3 some with one of our friends who was in on the secret and he agreed to secrecy and then was careless and left his messenger open for his fiance to read all about us.
 
Just a thought, it seems like boundaries are more common in primary relationships. Like, they might affect what happens in the secondary relationship(s), but their origin and purpose is usually to protect the primary relationship(s). Does that seem accurate?
 
I have to say, that we never really discussed any boundaries. I don't know why this is the case, but there never seemed to be a need for that. It was more the other way round: My husband was set as the one at whose pace we decided to move along (during the first weeks) and he was really fast. He never requested something like a set of rules and we naturally tend to check in with each other nowadays, if we think something feels awkward.

It would have felt really unnatural to me to set up restrictions for my relationships. It seems to be enough to bear in mind what would make me feel uncomfortable and ask the other parts about the specific point in question. We all seem to work that way and it works quite well. Maybe we will stumble at some point with this arrangement, but there are no rules or boundaries around at the time and we all feel comfortable with our situation at the moment.
 
There is a sticky on boundaries isn't there? Maybe not. Used to be.

I have written about my boundaries extensively in my blog, but I am enjoying the challenge of thinking of them again. We don't really talk about it regularly any more.

We have some some DADT's going on around the sex I have with each partner. Also about the activities within that and what items we might use for that. It used to be that I shared items with PN that we acquired over the years of our marriage, but now those items are considered mine and I use them with whomever and don't talk about it. He likes it that way and so do I. I think all of my partners do.

Mono is monogamous to me and I have agreed not to pursue other relationships sexually at this time. We have an agreement that emotional connections are okay as long as they don't turn sexual. I have a boyfriend that I don't have sex with as a result and it has been VERY difficult to not have sex. I have learned a lot about my self in the three years we have been together because I have refrained. I am glad that I agreed to this, but it is wearing thin.... we are processing that.

Safe sex with others is essential and we have discussed exactly what that looks like. Derby is a nurse. She keeps me on my toes and I am grateful for that. As a result anyone that comes into our tribe would be considered a threat to our health until they and we have all been tested and all agree on what safe sex means to us.

As soon as an issue comes up that can not be taken care of by ourselves it will be addressed. Checking in with ourselves first and getting to the root of the issue for ourselves is paramount. Its important to have some knowledge of what is going on for ourselves before bringing it to the table.

Really I think that is about it.... we are all different in our dynamics and all have lives that are our own. Our primary importance is our kiddies and the family life that they have. While our needs are not put aside the kids are considered every step of the way.

Wow, I hardly ever think about any of this any more. That was hard. I don't think it is possible to convey the subtleties of all our boundaries and compromises without it sounding all serious and official. I think after a number of years we are much more relaxed and free flowing. We know each other well at this point and take everything very slowly and pace ourselves. No stone is left unturned and there is room to just be ourselves even if sometimes we feel like the other is coming from a different planet on some stuff. At this point we just let that be and love/respect/care for each other regardless.

thanks for this opportunity. :)
 
Just a thought, it seems like boundaries are more common in primary relationships. Like, they might affect what happens in the secondary relationship(s), but their origin and purpose is usually to protect the primary relationship(s). Does that seem accurate?

Yep. Sounds about right.

Nothing wrong with it either, as long as those in secondary, or incoming positions dont feel slighted by it, and are ok with what they hear.
Even as individuals, we have boundaries, and those we date or engage with, have the right to decide if they are ok, and can respect those boundaries.
A triad or quad could have all the same boundaries for a new person too.
If you are your own primary, or have a long-standing triad that is of primary importance, it all tends to unfold the same way.

People who keep a even keel about boundaries, have the best success.
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To answer this question is rather difficult for me. As a primary couple, we don`t tend to have pre-set boundaries past the safer-sex aspect of things. Usually one of us gets into a dating situation, and it becomes apparent what that particular situation warrants. We easily make it clear, hierarchy exsists. People can then decide for themselves if they care to engage.

Or, more common,..I know where I am at, and what I want or don`t want. I self-regulate. He does the same.

We have preferences I guess. We both agree we have to be careful with time, and how late into the night things go. We don`t have a casual life where we can just lock up an apartment, and go wherever we wish.
- He prefers I don`t re-connect with my ex`s.
- I prefer he doesn`t date a co-worker.

However,..under the right circumstances there is a give/take for any of it.

In one instance, a safer-sex boundary was broken, and my husband told me immediately. We then did everything necessary to make it right. It messed up our personsal sex life for awhile with barrier methods, testing, etc.

It sucked due to all the work we had to do to make it right. The flip-side of that was, we both learned (even more-so) we can count on each other for the truth, even when it`s really hard, and includes repercussions. Trust grew, it was not diminished.

The only complication has been when outside people want each of us to do something they want, that neither of us is a particular fan about. At some point you have to double check the fairness to all involved.
 
I think after a number of years we are much more relaxed and free flowing. We know each other well at this point and take everything very slowly and pace ourselves. No stone is left unturned and there is room to just be ourselves even if sometimes we feel like the other is coming from a different planet on some stuff. At this point we just let that be and love/respect/care for each other regardless.

To me this is ideal. I see the utility of hard rules, especially in the establishment phases of things and always about safety, but to be able to say "we operate with love, honesty, respect, common sense, introspection, compassion, and communication, and that is more than enough to make it work for everyone and leave us with just a few, simple, mutual agreements that can change as needed" is a lovely vision and goal.
 
Just a thought, it seems like boundaries are more common in primary relationships. Like, they might affect what happens in the secondary relationship(s), but their origin and purpose is usually to protect the primary relationship(s). Does that seem accurate?

It is for some people I imagine. I set boundaries because I've become aware of the things that don't sit well with me thus far, and also because it hasn't been very long since my husband's gf has been just that: my husband's gf. I tend to take a lot more time to process things and any boundaries set allows me to do that.
 
I think for us one of the complications is that we both have children and Pretty Lady will never be ready for their son to know about their extra marital relationships. Infact, up until a few years ago, they barely had time for an inter-marriage relationship. Their son was so attached at the hip to her that she and Wendigo had not been on a date since he was born and she absolutely refuses to have sex while he is home, so that meant they had to wait until he went to sleep at his grandparents or aunts and 90% of the time he'd chicken out. Now that he is a teenager and has started dating himself, he has stopped needing to know where his mom is at all times and that has allowed her to pursue our relationship. We're less concerned with Yoda finding out about our relationship, but it makes sense not to let him know as he looks up to their son and might let it slip. *shrugs* Really, it is all about going at Pretty Lady's pace because she has the least experience with multiple relationships.
 
I think my husband and I have a lot of boundaries/rules/agreements compared to some people, but they seem to be pretty stable for us after 9 months of negotiation, and we revisit our agreements regularly. I'm a bit reluctant to post this in list format, but oh well, it works for us, and I don't see that it's hampered any of our other relationships so I suppose it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

1. Home from weeknight dates by 11:30pm unless it's an overnight or otherwise discussed ahead of time (so people can get to sleep without being interrupted by somebody coming home)

2. Write down all dates in google calendar so we know what's happening when.

3. Tell each other BEFORE advancing any relationships to next step of intimacy. (we aren't jumping into bed quickly with people, so it's not a problem to say "I'm interested in making out with X" then "I'd like to have sex with X"

4. No taking recreational drugs with a partner without prior discussion. (somewhat unlikely to happen, but seemed something important enough to include)

5. Follow agreed upon safe sex rules. Let each other know if condoms come off or break. (so far one agreement was re-negotiated for a particular relationship recently, so I feel pretty comfortable that we are both doing well at being flexible when things change)

6. Talk to each other before telling someone else we love them. (more for my benefit, I don't like surprises, and since we live with each other and talk about our partners, it'd be very odd to not know the other persons feelings were growing before we were sure enough to admit <3 to somebody we were dating)

7. After an initial meeting with a new person (which is always coffee and not a "date" date, we do go home and talk to our spouse about how it went before planning a date. This one has been a bit of a challenge for my husband because he wasn't sure how to express this to the other person, but the gist of it is to say, "I have an agreement to talk to my partner before definite plans with new people, so I will email you later today" This became important because if a date is exciting but they tick a few boxes like - vary greatly in how they practice poly compared to us, isn't willing/able to meet in the middle or take turns commuting to dates (Seattle's a big place, gas is expensive), says something negative about another of their partners that seems a bit iffy, or turns out to be incompatible in some other way...it is good to have a slight break from new date NRE to reflect and have a second perspective, rather than a date being made and have to be cancelled after the fact. So far this did result in one single poly chick deciding she wasn't compatible with seeing my husband more at that time because she preferred dating people without restrictions like that. This is one that perhaps someday will go out the window, but as we've only been actively poly again for 9 months it is staying. You can tel I feel a bit defensive about this one or I wouldn't be explaining it so much ;)

8. Tell each other about important changes in other partners sexual relationships and don't be intimate again if any risky behaviors have been introduced without discussing it with each other first. (new fluid bonded partners and STI issues basically)

There's things like make sure the sheets are changed and things are cleaned up promptly after dates in the multipurpose room dates happen in sometimes, there's a list of BDSM activities that my husband is comfortable with me participating in with others, and if I want to do them with somebody, I let him know the relationship is going there before it does. I've asked him not to date co-workers at this time because although he thinks it wouldn't be a problem, he's actively looking for a promotion.

I have agreements with my boyfriend also, which are to share if we go out on a date with somebody new, and to share if we are going to become sexual with somebody new.
 
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Just a thought, it seems like boundaries are more common in primary relationships. Like, they might affect what happens in the secondary relationship(s), but their origin and purpose is usually to protect the primary relationship(s). Does that seem accurate?

Yeah, it often seems that way, which I think is a bit weird because it still holds up couplehood as preferred over multi-partnerhood. I say that because the primary relationship that is being protected is usually a couple. It seems to me that having boundaries that place the utmost importance on preserving the "sanctity" of a couple are basically preserving monogamy as superior over non-monogamy.

I also think many "solo poly" people make the mistake of not setting their own boundaries for poly relationships, and leave all that boundary- and decision-making to those who are in a primary relationship with each other, whether the solo is involved with one or both of the people in that primary relationship. There is an interesting discussion thread over at polymatchmaker about rules and boundaries for single poly's, and I started a thread about that here but didn't get much response (I think these forums must have more partnered people or couples that participate than over at PMM). I think it's important that solos not compromise on too many important points in their own set of boundaries just to be involved with a couple or someone who is in a primary relationship with someone else.

Recently, I had to tell a married poly guy who was messaging me on OKC and seemed very eager to start something that I didn't think it would work for us because I realized that the rules he has with his wife conflicted with mine. They have a DADT policy, and he even called it "condoned cheating." He did offer to get his wife in touch with me to confirm this (because I asked "how do I know you're not just cheating?") but then said that they also agreed to do "everything they can" to ensure they are each #1 in their lives, which includes cancelling dates with their OSOs if something comes up for them to spend time with each other. While I would understand if there's an emergency, I thought "so I'm supposed to accept whatever crumbs you throw my way?" I felt their rules conflicted greatly with two important rules of mine: that I feel respected and never treated like a whore. I just couldn't see myself feeling good about myself in that kind of situation. I would want to be able to contact a metamour if necessary, not hide out like I'm a dirty secret, and not be discarded in favor of time with his wife and just expected to move my schedule around for them.

The other rules I have about being involved with someone who has other relationships kind of hinge on how I approach being in relationship. Basically, I'm a solo person, which means I am independent, see all my romantic relationships as equally important, and do not use a "primary" and "secondary" hierarchy. I have no objection to someone I'm involved with seeing me as a "secondary," as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary. I don't want to feel less important to him. I would consider my lovers co-primaries to me, so if I start to feel like my partner is not respecting the place I have in his life, that would be a sign of trouble, big trouble.

My biggest consideration or boundary is that the health and emotional evolution of my relationship will be solely determined by just me and and the person I'm in relationship with. In other words, though I would welcome a friendship with my partner's spouse or SO, and would honor reasonable boundaries that pertain to managing the amount of time he can spend with me, when/how often we can text or call each other, or how public we can be (because these would affect them as much as me), my metamour(s) will not be setting rules about how I conduct myself in my private time with him (such as how emotionally involved I can be, nor what I can do sexually with him). My private time with him should not be inhibited by someone else's rules, other than safer sex boundaries, which of course I have as well.

When starting to see someone who is partnered, I ask if they have rules for each other that would affect me. If I can live with those, fine. But he and I alone set the rules and manage our own relationship. That is very important to me. Because of that, I will not get involved with anyone who gives his spouse or partner veto power.
 
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My husband and I don't really have any rules except that we have to use condoms with outside partners for health reasons.

Other than that, we just check in with each other and try not to be assholes.
 
It seems to me that having boundaries that place the utmost importance on preserving the "sanctity" of a couple are basically preserving monogamy as superior over non-monogamy.

Non-monogamous and monogamish I see as accurate.
'Poly' ...maybe not. Hence I don`t label myself poly. I can only speak for myself though. "polyamory' means so many different things, to different people.


The other rules I have about being involved with someone who has other relationships kind of hinge on how I approach being in relationship. Basically, I'm a solo person, which means I am independent, see all my romantic relationships as equally important, and do not use a "primary" and "secondary" hierarchy. I have no objection to someone I'm involved with seeing me as a "secondary," as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary. I don't want to feel less important to him. I would consider my lovers co-primaries to me, so if I start to feel like my partner is not respecting the place I have in his life, that would be a sign of trouble, big trouble.

There is a valuable point there. Very good information. It is important to recognize the different desires for different folks.
I know for myself, I don`t want to be anyone`s primary, or co-primary, or loved the same as their spouse, etc. I don`t want 'equal' treatment or affection. I had a nice relationship once, where everything went well while I was '3rd' ,..but when he tried to move me up,..problems began. Nobody even asked me if I wanted that. I didn`t. I was happy with the place I had in his life at '3rd.' It took me a long time to find someone who understood this.

We know a single woman close to us, that feels the same. She has never been 'used' as a unicorn. Her problems have been with people who wanted her to move in, share a home, etc. She ended two relationships because of this.

She makes it clear that she likes a true friendship, but one day she wants the white picket fence, monogamous man, and the family.

So making sure everyone has the same outlook ahead of time, is a pretty core thing, many of us need to evaluate. ( Rather then trying to bash into each others heads 'the right way'. )
Then all those 'extra' boundaries might not be as necessary, if people are on the same page.
 
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