Letters to Myself. A poor man's therapy.

MyotherB

New member
The following is me trying to adapt to my wife loving someone other than me. There is history prior to this, but I'm too jaded to rehash it here. I'm copying all this from my notepad in iPhone, so please forgive the grammar. Spell checking it all is to much for my wasted emotional state these days....

November 19th 1AM
I've decided I need to keep this journal as therapy for myself. I wish I had someone to talk to and get feedback. I wish I could say all this to you, but I fear that the words could hurt what I fear is left of you and me.
** I went out with John again tonight. Last night was wild, and my mind was crazy. I was full of energy and felt great because I thought on of the girls we had met the previous night had messaged me somehow (though I hadn't given any info out) John was buying all the drinks, and I was being me. I felt great because I though someone was interested in me. I was giddy.*
** After getting off the phone with you the other day, and you were already with P, I again felt like I wasn't wanted. It's a gut feeling I can't shake. You say it isn't so, but it just keeps coming back. More on that later I guess.
Thinking someone was interested in me filled me up. Then during the course of the night, I realized I was mistaken and the person that messaged me was some random stranger, the picture they she sent just looked like the girl I wanted it to be.
**I felt foolish, small, crushed, and again unwanted and alone. I couldn't wake you and you hadn't answered my texts all day.
** Which brings me to today.
 
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I fought wanting to talk to you all day. I'm afraid of seeming clingy, needy and weak. I'm afraid of the fact I feel clingy, needy and weak. I feel like I need you more than you need me, and it ruins me. Again, I tell myself it is all in my head, but the feeling is in my gut and it keeps crawling back. Doubt and fear....
** So tonight I asked John if he saw his divorce coming, and he said "no. Well, I had this feeling in my gut that shit wasn't right, but I thought we worked it out"
** This didn't help me. I confided in him that I was worried and felt in my gut that things weren't right between us. It was good to say, but I wouldn't say why I had that feeling.
** I can't talk to Cindy because she just keeps telling me I should be worried, and I don't want to hear it. No one that knows tells me it is going to be OK.*
** I always wind up berating myself for bot listening to my gut feelings because they are almost always right. I so want this to be wrong.
** I reflected fir a while on the song Pale Horses, and concluded that the reason the song made you sad is because you feel it too. We used to click. We danced the same dance, but now that is gone......
** Is it my fault? What can I do to dance your dance. How do I make you happy? How do I make me happy? Do I bury the feeling in my gut and find a way to fix this? Do I keep speaking out to you? I fear that telling you how I feel just drives you further away. But how can I fix this if I keep feeling hurt and sad because I think I'm losing you?
** I can't put on a happy face. Without the happy face, things just get worse. I feel like my emotions are going to smother us.
** How can I believe what you say when I keep feeling like the way you act isn't consistent with your words?
** I am overthinking it. I'm shrinking away from you to try and make it hurt less when you Finnaly leave me. If I keep it up, you probably will leave.
** But in a lot of ways, I feel like you already have.
** Self fulfilling prophecies.
 
19 Nov 620AM

Finally spoke with W this morning. Is it strange that most of what she wants to talk about is P, and I still feel a little better anyway? I'm actually in a good mood. Maybe I really am bi-polar????
** Still can't decided what to tell about my phantom chick mail episode, and this feeling like I am on the prowl for some affection. I should probably let her know, but things are already so.... Rough.
** *Say what you need to say? I'm not sure.

Addendum to the above, I am envious of P being able to take W and show her what he does. It may sound like a small thing, but it has always really bothered me that she will never*
Truly know what I do. It is some thing I think is important to be able to share. We work so much of our lives, you know?
**Maybe in time, I will learn to be happy for her when my metamours share or give her something I can't. That is probably the real key to all this. The truth is, it makes me sad that someone else gives her something I can't.
 
First lemme start with *HUG*. I'm really sorry you're going through that kind of torment. And from what I read, you definitely sound tormented. In reading, one thing came to mind over and over again. Why aren't you two talking about this?? I know that you said that there is some history that you didn't care to rehash, but if she's attempting to start a poly lifestyle, then shouldn't that be something that she's very open and honest with you about? Just like you need to be COMPLETELY open and honest about what you're feeling.

How long have you two been married? Has this topic ever come up before?

I can't say that your particular situation is going to be ok, as I don't know all the details. But what I can tell you is that this lifestyle is VERY possible when you have the right people involved. I say that because this life ISN'T for everyone and that's ok. Some people are wired for only being monogamous and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This won't work if the issue is forced, ya know?

There are lots of wonderful people on this site that I'm sure will be able to offer excellent advice and words of wisdom. I hope you can find what you're looking for and don't beat yourself up because you can't wrap your brain around this yet. It's ok!!!
 
We do talk Danny, but I often feel like I'm overreacting, or shouldn't feel like I do. When we plunged into this lifestyle almost 2 years ago, I was cheerleading the whole thing. We invited another into our bed. We talked for a long time beforehand, and it was something that we both wanted. Not surprisingly, her friend and her fell for one another over time. Our MMF threesome turned into something between a V and a Triad. The love part was not intended, it just happened.
Come to now. Her first lover is long gone. She has found another, and this is purely a V. I know and like him, but I have little to no involvment. Her love and attention is divided between us, and as time goes on, I feel less and less connected to her. When I explain this, I always get the " I don't feel any different about you" response, and am made to feel like there is no reason for how I am reacting. Honestly, I don't know if there is a good reason. It's just this thing in my gut that tells me something isn't right, that she's slowly slipping away. My head argues with it, but my heart won't be quiet about it. I feel like we are stuck in this circular discussion of " I'm sad, scared, lonely" and her response of "I love you, you're being crazy"
We have been married for almost 13 years. I often know her and her heart better than she does. She doesn't need me or look at me the way she used to, and it terrifies me. I think I can see the change, and she is oblivious to it.
I was much more secure in the previous relationship where we were often in the same bed. I had a strong relationship with my metamour, and we often did things together.
There are more letters to follow. Thanks Danny for your response.
 
Since july of this year Superjast.
 
19 Nov 1145
** Finished that talk with W about her road/work trip with P. There were some things that bugged me. Mostly that when he brought up having a fuck buddy, her response was "well then I should be able too also".*
.... After thinking about it for a second, It doesn't really bug me. It validates the way I feel. She explained the "what am I supposed to do when you are with someone else, when you could be with me" feeling that bothered me so much while I was at home alone and she was with him. So I know know she can really understand how I feel.
** I am still very skeptical that I could handle 2 or more full on relationships. I *feel like I would lose myself even worse than I already have. Yet, when I can't have the one I love, why should I not be able to get the affection I need?
** I still fear her reaction to this feeling I have. I don't want to push her away. I want and need her more than anything in the world, but my cup feels very half empty while she is away with P. I'm not ready to fill that cup with love of another, and need to work on finding my own happiness, but the affection and attention of someone that is in to me would go a kong way to soothing my battered heart.
** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..
 
19 Nov 1145
** I still fear her reaction to this feeling I have. I don't want to push her away. I want and need her more than anything in the world, but my cup feels very half empty while she is away with P. I'm not ready to fill that cup with love of another, and need to work on finding my own happiness, but the affection and attention of someone that is in to me would go a kong way to soothing my battered heart.
** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..

You're right. You do need to work on being your own primary. My thought on this has always been "If I'm not happy with ME, how can I expect anyone else to be happy with me?"

Yes, affection from another does help but sometimes the long road of self discovery & love is better taken alone as then there's nothing there to distract one from the ultimate goal of loving ones self.

Your second paragraph, quoted above, hits home with me. I think this is a big part of what's going on with Breathes and myself.
 
** I still fear her reaction to this feeling I have. I don't want to push her away.

My husband does this to me. He waits to find the "safe" words to use, or suffers silently (or so he thinks) because he is afraid of my reaction. The truth is he doesn't suffer silently, it comes out in other ways that he doesn't recognize. I therefore know there is a problem, but have no idea what it is, so of course my mind goes to all sorts of worse case senarios that have nothing to do with what is really bothering him.

Talk to her and keep talking to her. Don't mistake a bad initial reaction as the need to stop talking about the problem. Some of us react, then think.

** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..

Good for you.

I would recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" (I got the audio download :)). It made a huge and immeidate difference for us.
 
@ SNeacail-

I know I need to talk about how I feel with her, but the issue is that

1) I'm not even sure seeking someone for affection while she is absent is something I want. I don't feel it would be fair to the other person, because I think that I would be sitting there thinking. " I wish she was W." But then, I could be wrong. I might fall madly in love with someone else. I have no idea because I have no basis of experience, I've never dated outside my marriage.
I honestly don't know what I want in this department, so bringing up a topic I'm still confused on seems like high risk, low benefit.

2) when I agreed to walk this road 2 years ago, I promised that I wouldn't "use what she is doing as reason to sleep with someone else." The situation she is in is drastically different from the original almost triad we were in, but the fact I promised has not. She just had a fight with my metamour over him contemplating the same, dating others while she is away, and it didn't go over well. He made no such promise to her, and she still reacted poorly.

*sigh* This shit is awful complicated. I shoulda been a swinger instead :)
This multiple love thing is a hell of a lot of work.
 
** Another thing I hate, but this about me.... That I can see what is happening when she can't. P is falling for her/ or already all in. She is all his for the next 4 months, and his feelings for her a becoming evident in that new environment. I'm not sure if she is there yet, but she very easily could over the next few months.
** I don't like it, but it isn't up to me. Adapt or be left behind :(
** Their relationship will flourish while I am gone, and that scares me. I keep praying that I won't fuck ours ip anymore than I already have. I need to find a way to help our love stay lit while I an gone.
** *What an odd thing, to be chasing your wife of 13 years. I fight against it, because I don't want to be clingy. I hate clingy. I'm not sure how to act when I feel that need for her with the fear of losing her at the same time.*
** *It is those moments when I freak and do things I regret.*
 
I've been with my wife for 12 years and I've never thought of myself as clingy because I told her that I loved, needed, or wanted her. She's your wife, that's exactly how you're supposed to feel.

I'm a little concerned with her responses to you. When my wife and I first embarked on this journey we knew that we had to take things slow and figure things out as they came up. We didn't have sites like this at the time, and really didn't know anything about polyamory. But we knew that WE were going to be together no matter what. So if this was how we were going to live our life, then we needed to make sure that along the way we each were always secure in our feelings for each other.

That meant that if there was a woman that she wasn't comfortable with, then I backed off and my wife and I talked. We talked about why she was uncomfortable. We figured out what the issues were and then figured out what we needed to do to resolve them. It doesn't seem to me that your wife is doing that part very well.

Which brings me to something you said in an earlier post. That you felt in your gut that things were changing. After 13 years I'm sure that there is a reason you're feeling that way. Your wife needs to stop and listen to what you're saying or I'm not sure this is going to work.
 
@ SNeacail-

I know I need to talk about how I feel with her, but

Not talking to your wife will just put more and more distance between you. It really doesn't matter if you don't know what the problem truely is or don't have the solution first. Just talk more! Ask for her help in finding a better solution, this will force her to look at what she is doing from a different angle and it's not just you complaining anymore. I do speak from experience in this matter :p.

To help with feeling connected to her, try simple things like sending texts or calling (daily if possible) to simply say that you miss her or that you lover her. This really helped me when I was feeling distant from my husband. It does need to go both ways.
 
Been away, for a good long while.....

This one isn't pasted from my iPhone... I've been too busy to keep up with a journal, but here I am again with insides all a churn and my head a mess.
I have been gone from home for 2 and a half months now. W moved back home before my spot on our bed even had a chance to cool off. I never can really understand how to feel about the fact that she leaves home so fast after I deploy. I don't know whether I am hurt that she is so quick to run away from our home (and in my head, from me) or to be touched that I mean so much to her that she can't stand to stay in the empty house where I am supposed to be.
Or to be paranoid and let the jealous bug tell me that she's eager for her opportunity to run free (this voice is the quietest, but only because I tell it so loudly to shut the fuck up.)
I am having difficulty coming to terms that I have just spent months alone away from home while the love of my life has spent the time with another. It is difficult when she is with P for a night or away for a week.
Can our relationship endure the seperation AND the additional cast? How did things get to be where I am so worried about this other person? I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not being told things. Details of events are being left out. I used to get daily e-mails while I was away. I'm lucky to get 2 a week lately. The letters I do get are generally short and almost feel like they are more out of a feeling of obligation rather than a genuine interest in communicating.
W was very unhappy a few days back. Moody after a trip to our home and back with P, during which they slept 2 nights in our bed, which bothers me, whether it should bother me or not. But more so than that, I was bothered by her response to my asking why she was so upset.
Her response was more along the lines of, "my bed is empty" than, "I miss you".
I was crushed.

I very well might be acting neuorotic. I have been known to jump at shadows. I routinely over-think and over analyze things. Not to mention, getting a feel for someone's emotional state is pretty damn hard over e-mail messages, and leaves a whole lot of room for poor interpretation.
I keep coming back to the question of why I am doing this. I love my wife very much, but this is a whole lot of pain for me, and very little benefit. I continue to endure it because I desperatly want her to be happy.
Here comes the but.

I want to be happy too, and I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy in this arrangement. I've been wondering for a while. When this all started almost 2 years ago I was naive'. I didn't think I was capable of jealousy. I thought it would be wonderful to share my amazing wife with someone else, so that she could get all the affection and care she deserved.
I thought it wouldn't affect me. About that I was dead wrong, but I rationalized that her being happy was worth my discomfort (or whatever adjective it is that best suits how the situation is affecting me)
The real problem here is that I don't know what it is that I want. I only know what I don't want.
I don't want her to change her behavior because of me. She has and always will be free to make her own decisions. I know what it is to feel resentment, and I would rather her leave me to be with someone else than stop seeing someone because of me and resent me for pushing her to do so.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to need affection and not get it. I don't want to feel like I am sitting around waiting for my turn to be petted.
I don't want to feel like an obligation or a burden.
I don't want my relationship with my wife to end. I didn't want it to change either, but I knew when this started that it would. I'm not happy about it. I cried about it. I had that moment of heartbreak months ago when I realized things would never be the same between us as they had been for all these past 13 years. She will never be all mine again.
But she was never all mine in the first place, right? It is just hard to let old ideals go.
 
Has anyone else been in this situation? Mono to a poly partner, and forced to be away from them for months at a time due to other obligations? I could use some insight. I don't know how to explain where my head is at right now. I feel foolish for feeling neglected. How is my wife supposed to "pay attention to me" from 2500 miles away while I'm at sea on a submarine?
Who can I feel like she is distracted? Simply because her e-mails are short? It makes me feel like I'm a head-case, that I'm chasing shadows, or that maybe I'm just not cut out for sharing her heart with someone else. Or her time.
But then in the same breath, I don't want her sitting there miserable, pining away for me and waiting for me to call/write. Then again, that is exactly what I want. It makes NO SENSE.
Maybe I just need to go lift something heavy over and over again until I collapse. Idle hands, muddled mind.
 
For what it's worth...

I hear a panicked cry for help, here, brother. I've never been on a sub, uh, that's not moored, so I don't know what that does to you. I've been around the military for most of my life, though, up to having a son in the Corps and helping his girlfriend through deployments. Here goes.

Take a deep breath.

When you're talking about how you feel, it could be me writing. The twisted gut, the feeling of hopelessness, the panic, the not knowing what to do. You didn't mention it, but I bet you have insomnia, too.

My wife is poly. I'm mono. I liked her having sex with other guys because it was just kinky sex. But then she realized she didn't like casual sex, she's poly. Now she's in a relationship, and has been for about five months. At first, I didn't have any trouble with it.

Then the insomnia started. She was getting attached to him. It was less fun. They talked about a threesome. They talked about wanting me involved. But I felt very left out. It was the exclusion from this important part of her life. I felt lonely and lost.

Whenever I tried talking to her I let the emotions get out of control. The anger and the hurt and the paranoia all fed on each other, and she picked up on it. My own mind (because of an insanely stressful time at work) generated all kinds of accusations and things to worry about. We fought. She went to him. I felt worse.

I would text her, but she wouldn't respond. She wouldn't console me by telling me what I wanted to hear (good for her). It left me feeling like she was hiding things. That made my feelings worse.

I felt the same way you do. I wanted her to be happy, but it hurt and I wanted her to end it. We talked about boundaries, but I didn't want to make her feel caged because of me. Things were going tango uniform, no pun intended.

Several things turned it around for us.

First, reading here helped us both to understand what was going on.

Second, we started talking when we weren't emotionally charged. That helped a lot.

Third, I accepted that her time was her time and my communication with her would be limited.

Fourth, I started hanging out with him. And him and her.

Not perfect, but things are much much better now.

If you want reassurance, I'd say the fix is a lot inside you. You're completely capable of resolving this. You have to look inside yourself and get comfortable with you.

If you want to talk privately, PM me. I want to help you out.
 
What really bothers me, is that I can tell that she is holding something back. I've known her for a very long time. The smallest of changes in her behavior stand out for me. I know that she has been struggling with P to get him to open up. He has been cautious with his heart, and that has been the fulcrum of an emotional see-saw for the last few months.
Now she isn't talking to me about Phil. She isn't talking about anything or anyone else either. The most reasonable explaination in my mind is that something has happened, or is happeneing, that she doesn't want to tell me about.
I've been spending a lot of time chewing on another concept. One that was impressed upon me here while I was asking for help while W was in California while I sat at home.
I often see on this site that the partner that is sad or struggling needs to "work on themselves" or "find their own happiness". While I understand the concept, where is the point of responsibility for the other partner.
Are we not supposed to try and make our spouse happy? Is my problem that I've too long put my spouse before myself, and that is why I am unhappy now?
W understands that her relationship with P is difficult for me, that I am still unable to accept it without pain. But she continues anyway, which means that she has decided to put her happiness first.
How can a marriage last if both partners put themselves first? I don't see how a relationship can continue like that. There are things I want that I have denied myself because I know that they would hurt W or make her less attracted to me. Do I pursue these anyway because they are what I want, and just hope my relationship survives it? It seems to be the method she is taking with me in regard to P.
The whole concept of not sacraficing for my spouse is foreign to me. The problem is that right now I feel like I am the only one giving anyything into our relationship. While she is doing a great job handling our buisness back home, and I appreciate that, putting effort into our buisness and putting effort into our relationship are not the same.
My love tank is on empty.
 
How much have you had a chance to talk to her about all this? She really has her work cut out for her if she wants to make it so everyone is comfortable. I think that requesting that of her is completely okay. If she loves you and cares about you then she will do as you ask and attempt to negotiate better boundaries.

You seem to be asking for daily emails, some loving words, and attention to your needs for closeness when you can't have that physically. Am I right? Is there more that you need? I would request that those needs be met in order for you to feel loved and explain to her exactly what you need to here and how much. Maybe she is just unaware of what your love language is.

Perhaps this link will be helpful.... sharing it with her even more so.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
 
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The problem is that right now I feel like I am the only one giving anyything into our relationship. While she is doing a great job handling our buisness back home, and I appreciate that, putting effort into our buisness and putting effort into our relationship are not the same.
My love tank is on empty.

Have you told her this?

Sometimes, it can be overwhelming to know that your partner is giving up stuff they enjoy (as long as it's not self destructve) for you. What do you need from her to feel love (irrelevant of her other relationship), more time, more honesty, appreciation, etc?
 
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