Hi from the Canadian East Coast :)

PhoenixLoch

New member
New to Poly...After five months with my new SO I have recently been told that I am the third female in a poly quad. The other two girls know about each other but do not know that he has fallen in love with yet another girl ;) I know about everything, being open and communicating with him without judging him or them, has allowed me to have an insight I might not otherwise have had. The more accepting I am the more he opens up to me. He is currently here on the east coast with me exclusively, but in two months he leaves to return to his home on the west coast. I am trying to figure out how I can possibly fit into his lifestyle. I would ideally like him to tell them about me and maybe one of them would accept me into a triad. It will be hard being an LDR but I can't imagine my life without him in it. And that's my story so far ;) New friends, conversations and advice are always welcome. xxx
 
Hey I'm an East coaster too! New Brunswick here :)

You didn't know about his other women until recently?
 
It's generally considered cheating when one partner doesn't disclose the existence of their other partners. I suppose if he's told everyone "Just so you know, I'm dating a few other women but I'm not going into details" then he's off the hook. But ideally, everyone should at least know everyone else's name.

And just for terminology sake, a quad would mean you're in a relationship with the other two women. This is a three-armed-vee.
 
Setteep

I knew within two weeks of dating him that he had someone of significance out west. He said they had an understanding about him coming here and that they had a complicated relationship. I am an empath and very connected to him, he's my first relationship since leaving my emotionally abusive ex. We are connected so much so that i actually Just figured out most of what I know including names, and he just came clean once I started letting him know what I knew.
This coming clean just happened 3 weeks past. The more open he is the easier to deal with it all. :)
My understanding is the first said for him to do what he wants but she didn't want to know, his second hates the poly lifestyle and only tolerates it to be with him. She did not mention anything about relationships when he left, knowing he is who he is she knew he would be with others but again didn't want to discuss.
We were only to be for fun, but from the moment we saw each other, we have been together every possible moment since.
I have never felt so connected to anyone. I am trying hard to come up with a way for me to be with him/them in an LDR. I don't want to lose him either. And the thought of the emotional support even if it is just friendship from his first who would accept me more than the second, according to his discussions of each of them. Which are to be fair, sketchy out of privacy, but I glean a lot more then he says, empath and all. ;) The part that I am concerned about is that they have no idea he actually loves me, this isn't a fling. Both of us have no idea how we are going to cope when he moves home in May.
Thank you for clarifying the classification. I am a newbie! NB is a beautiful province. :)
 
Hello PhoenixLoch,
Welcome to our forum.

Long-Distance Relationships can be challenging; I take it you feel pretty strongly about this guy if you're willing to attempt it (and in a poly setting, to boot). I imagine there will be some drama from the other two ladies at first, but maybe it will cool down due to the LDR status. ? Only time will tell.

I hope you will enjoy your time on our site and check out lots of threads. Post any thoughts, concerns, or questions you may have. There's a lot of experience and advice to tap into here.

Glad to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin :) I am committed to making this work and winning the hearts of all involved, even if its just acceptance. Any relationship I get involved in closer to home will be aware of my SO on the west coast. I believe open Communication is the key to making anything work. I need to believe that there can be a bright and brilliant future :)
 
Communication is mighty dern important, that's for sure.

Hang on tight and believe in your dreams.
 
Communication and best friendage

IMHO, and I'm fairly new, as well, to Polyamory but this is what I think.

Long distance is hard for ANY relationship , be it mono or not, and the jealous woman out west may not take you seriously because you are the LDR. Are you attempting to communicate with your paramours?

If not, are their guidelines that the other women choose not to know about his other partners?

If so, be friendly but try not to be their best friends right away. Recently, I was taken aback by this and am currently working through some intense unease about it. Ease into the situation. The adage, "if you don't like it, too bad, get over it" isn't very correct when it comes to comforting paramours with the integration of a new leg.

All in all, I hope this helps and I'm not just speaking from the top of my potato box. :)
 
My plan is to walk softly. I won't pursue any contact that is not requested. He hasn't told them about me yet. I am going to have a conversation about all of the stuff in my head soon with him. I know one will accept me. The other one hates the whole poly lifestyle so I am not going to be hoping for too much success with her.
The LDR will be temporarily. He moves east again in less then 18 months and at that time I can move to be with him. I am hoping to be friends with his first by then and have her join us. It's all so up in the air and I am such a freakin' planner! I think of all scenarios and plot out a course of resolution. I find this prepares me for almost all eventualities!
For now I am playing it by ear, taking things slow and enjoying my time with him. Hopefully when I broach the topic of him telling his first about me, he will be receptive. <Cross fingers> :) I don't want to ruin anyone's relationship, only share and enhance for all involved. I really want this to work.
 
Why are you planning to start dating someone you've never even met? Just because he loves her and he loves you doesn't mean you and she will have anything in common as partners. Why push it? If you and she click, then great. But meeting her with all that expectation on all three of you is a heavy burden. Just go with the flow.

I am an empath and very connected to him, he's my first relationship since leaving my emotionally abusive ex. We are connected so much so that i actually Just figured out most of what I know including names, and he just came clean once I started letting him know what I knew.
This coming clean just happened 3 weeks past. The more open he is the easier to deal with it all. :)

What does it mean to you to be "connected?" I don't understand how "we are so connected" and "he just came clean 3 weeks ago" can occur in the same situation. If he feels so connected to you, why did you have to confront him about his other girlfriends? Why didn't he volunteer that rather critical and relevant information about his life?

You've known this guy for only 5 months. What you're experiencing as "connection" is hormones: oxytocin and dopamine. Wait until the NRE has worn off before making plans about moving and shacking up with someone you don't even know.

My husband likes to remind me that when things are meant to be, they work out with little to no effort on your part. If you have to "try hard" to force the situation to work, then maybe it's a sign that you're on the wrong path.
 
The Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell agreements and the general aversion the other two women have towards polyamory is of concern to me ... and yes, I think he should have volunteered the information sooner, not have to be prodded into it by you. My advice would be to walk into this with tiny steps, and to moderate your expectations. I am reluctant to tell you what to do or how to feel, but I probably should have spoken up sooner.

I hope this will have a happy ending for you, one way or another.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks everyone... I probably haven't explained enough....it's all a lot to get off my chest and isn't easy to explain. Poly isn't easy for him either, the stigma from family, friends and work. The connection is a, well, believe it or not a telepathic one of sorts. I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything. I don't have blinders on...I know LDR isn't going to be easy. And I certainly don't expect anyone to just love me. The bottom line is he leaves in May, and I can't imagine my life without him. So I am dreaming of anyway I can make it all work. It probably sounds pretty pathetic. Sorry :( I don't mean to sound like a total idiot!
It helps to plan things, makes me put off the inevitable, the realization that when he leaves its probably forever and no amount of wishing is going to get me what I want. It is what it is and what will be will be. Thank you all xxxx
 
But planning so deeply and far in the future tends to lead to getting your hopes up. And when a person gets their hopes up they tend to fall. HARD.
This is something I cannot stress enough. You are planning too far in the future given the data you have shared. Obviously, I'm not a soothsayer, guru or psychic and I don't ow the whole story but what you have told us doesn't look too good in the adding up quadrant.

The Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell agreements and the general aversion the other two women have towards polyamory is of concern to me ... and yes, I think he should have volunteered the information sooner,..

In full agreement, but kudos for being understanding given your attraction.

Why are you planning to start dating someone you've never even met? Just because he loves her and he loves you doesn't mean you and she will have anything in common as partners. Why push it? If you and she click, then great. But meeting her with all that expectation on all three of you is a heavy burden. Just go with the flow.

Agreed, it is possible that you couldn't be more dissimilar with these women. And if this is true that what will happen if they do not like you? Are you prepared to think about that?
 
I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything.

Ooo freaky, because I know what that feels like. Sometimes I'll be half-asleep and I'll say something in my head when my husband is sleeping beside me, and he'll totally respond (out loud) to what I just said. But when I realize it and try to work it, I can't get it back. Of course, being a physicist, I chalk it up to some kind of quantum brain waves or something. I think it's silly for people to have such a narrow-minded view of reality. I mean, I don't buy into a lot of that paranormal stuff... but I've experienced just enough of it first hand to not write it off completely.

It probably sounds pretty pathetic. Sorry :( I don't mean to sound like a total idiot!

No, it doesn't sound pathetic. Just because I was questioning your connection doesn't mean I was writing it off completely. I was just being my analytical self. Oxytocin and dopamine are the hormones that human brains release when people have those feelings, it's what we "feel." That doesn't mean the experiences that cause their release aren't real.

But planning so deeply and far in the future tends to lead to getting your hopes up. And when a person gets their hopes up they tend to fall. HARD.

That's a good way to put it.

I'm a planner, too. I'm a lot better at giving "go with the flow" advice than following it :p Just ask my poor husband about when I was debating whether or not to go to grad school.

But I've had to learn that no matter how carefully I plan and how many contingencies I plan for, life never ever ever goes the way I expect it to. So even though it's really really hard, I'm trying to follow my own advice and learn to just let things happen more. It seems that whenever I do let go of specific outcomes, things just work out much better than I ever could have planned for.

Have you read Deepak Chopra's Seven Laws of Spiritual Success? A lot of people think it's hokey, and it kind of is, but you might get a lot out of it.
 
Re:
"The connection is a, well, believe it or not a telepathic one of sorts. I have dreams of conversations with him and when I started telling him what I dreamt he started telling me everything."

Ah, but even if he can read your thoughts, that doesn't necessarily mean all is well; he could be a telepath and still not be as trustworthy or noble a person as he seems. By no means do I mean to declare that the guy's no good; I'm just pointing out an assumption and a potential fallacy. Whatever his abilities are, it's how he uses them that counts.

I'll adhere to my same advice for now: Proceed if you so desire, but do so cautiously. If you're spiritually inclined, trust the promptings of your spirit. You have gifts of your own that will see you through whatever you need to experience.

Regards and well wishes,
Kevin T.
 
I am the one with the dreams, not sure if it is telepathic or what it is....but he doesn't hear me. And I don't tell him all I know, some of which is not accurate but I get a lot more right then I get wrong. And I can't control it nor do I use it for nefarious purposes Kevin. (Haha!)
I guess life is what you make it, isn't it? Before him, I naively did not know about polyamory. Now I do. Before I knew him I was miserable. Now I am loved, happy and content. When he leaves, we will either see each other again, or we won't. I don't feel betrayed or lied to. It is a new relationship and everyone has baggage they don't spurt out within the first five minutes of meeting someone.
Our communication is awesome about his life and relationships. I am intrigued by it all. I want to be happy and he makes me happy. And he wants me to be happy. For now, that's the most important thing. :) Peace and love to all xxx
 
Glad to hear it!

I think the best thing about some relationships isn't necessarily the joy you feel at the time, but the lessons you take away from them. At the very least, you've learned that you are lovable and valued. If life doesn't work out with him, that's fine... but going forwards, you'll always know that if something doesn't click with a particular person, it's not because there's something wrong with you, but just that the two of you aren't compatible.
 
We talked a little bit about the future and I guess really just laying down ideas right now. But he did say that he was intrigued by my ideas and that I had come up with concepts of making it work that he hadn't even thought of.
For the record I am not getting my hopes up! :p but it was encouraging that it is now on the table. :) see planning isn't so bad :p (JK: I know you have my best interests at heart and I appreciate everyone's advice.)
 
I try to distinguish between "planning" and "brainstorming."

Planning means "This is what I'm going to do. I'm attached to a specific outcome and I'm going to take these steps to make sure that outcome happens. If that outcome doesn't happen, I will be disappointed because my plan failed."

I don't see how it's possible to plan something without getting your hopes up, but that could just be the way my mind works.

Brainstorming means "I'm just looking at possibilities." There's no attachment to a specific outcome, you're just looking at different way things might work, while remaining flexible to new outcomes based on what happens between now and then.

It may seem like a trivial distinction, but I find that it really helps combat disappointment when things don't go according to plan.
 
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