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OnTheCusp

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I probably already know the answer. . . just hoping someone will tell me what I WANT to hear! :D

Long story--my husband and I have been married almost 16 years. It is a monogamous relationship. Or at least, it WAS, until he had two affairs. We are currently reconciled, and in a wonderful place in our relationship--honestly, it's better than it has ever been.

Our social group is very poly-friendly or poly-positive, whatever you want to call it. One couple we know socially is a man and his secondary girlfriend. I've never officially met his primary girlfriend. In the time I've known them, I've always found him attractive, but NEVER thought of him in any way other than just a friend of ours, because I've always been monogamous.

So after my husband's affairs came out, and I was learning to adapt to and process this new knowledge, this man and his girlfriend came to our house for a welcome home party we were having for a friend. After everyone had gone, my husband and I were talking about my self esteem, and he said, "Mike (not his real name) would fuck the shit out of you!" I didn't really believe him, but I did say that I thought Mike was "doable." My husband then said that if it was something I wanted to do, it would be okay, because I'd more than earned it, and if it made me happy and made me feel beautiful and sexy, go for it. He thought it would be kind of hot. (Just a note--my husband has NEVER been jealous.)

So I was having a conversation with Mike on Facebook the next day, and he was being very polite and appropriate. He did, however, make some remark about not being his normal flirty self with me until I knew him better. I told him to go ahead and flirt, because my self esteem had really taken a nosedive with the affairs, and I also told him I'd been given the go-ahead to have a fling of my own. Well. Mike came slightly unglued. He told me that that was NOT what I should have said to him, because he'd long thought I was quite desirable and often got tongue-tied around me. Got kinda flirty, but nothing too forward. We met for lunch and conversation a few days later, and that ended with a kiss. I told my husband about it, and he wasn't bothered at all. All he asked was that I not lie about seeing Mike.

Fast forward. Mike and I keep texting, planning to meet up for something a little more. We finally got together day before yesterday at his place, agreeing that we wouldn't tell anybody. We spent a lovely few hours together.

So here I am. I feel like I should tell my husband, because I don't like lying, and I think he'll be okay with it. I would very much like to continue this relationship with Mike, although I think it really is a finite thing--I don't see either of us looking at it as a long-term proposal. Maybe fairly intense for a short time, or very occasionally for a longer time. Make sense?

Anyway, the problem is that I'd like to continue, my husband is okay with it, and thinks hearing about anything we might do would be smoking hot. But I am NOT okay with him seeing anybody else, because I'm jealous as hell. Are there poly relationships where one partner is poly and the other isn't, but is accepting of it? I'm a huge hypocrite, aren't I? Ack!
 
agreeing that we wouldn't tell anybody

Why did you agree to turn it from consensual non monogamy, something ethical and above board, to something that is basically infidelity. If it's an attempt to get revenge on your husband, as well as being an immature thing to do, I doubt it would work very well seeing as your husband is on board with you seeing other people. It might, however, backfire if he feels that that it was an attempt at vindictive behaviour and he finds that intolerable.

But I am NOT okay with him seeing anybody else, because I'm jealous as hell. Are there poly relationships where one partner is poly and the other isn't, but is accepting of it?

Yes there are healthy non monogamous relationships where one or more of the people involved are monogamous, however, it's my personal belief that a rule in any kind of relationship should never be made with insecurity and/or lack of trust as the motivation for enforcing it. On top of that, I don't believe people who are in unstable monogamous relationships should attempt to open their relationships as a method of solving their problems.
 
Interesting! I really do have to weigh how much of what I've done is a revenge sort of thing. I think at first that's what it was, but at this point, what it's about is how nice it makes me feel. I'm thinking I should tell my husband tonight, just so it's all above board. I know if I kept it from him for any length of time, it would just be worse to eventually tell him.

I don't think this has anything to do with trying to solve our marital problems. We've really done a lot of work in therapy on what got us to that place where his having an affair was something he thought was the right thing to do. We both are working very hard at this, and he and I both believe we've got it right, this time.

So I guess I know the ethical thing to do is to tell him and get it out in the open and see what happens from there. I think the only thing holding me back from that is the off chance that he'll change his mind about being okay with it and then I won't get to be with Mike again, which was really, really fun.

I know I'm being selfish. And selfish was something my husband was when he had his affairs. I hate knowing I'm a hypocrite.
 
We finally got together day before yesterday at his place, agreeing that we wouldn't tell anybody
I think the only thing holding me back from that is the off chance that he'll change his mind about being okay with it and then I won't get to be with Mike again, which was really, really fun.

You said your husband explicitly gave you the go-ahead to fool around with Mike; I am very confused about why you are sneaking around and lying about it.

The only advice I could give you is to STOP BEING DISHONEST. See if that helps :rolleyes:
 
I think part of the reason we've been secretive is because Mike isn't sure my husband is REALLY okay with it, I guess.

I think I'll tell.
 
This makes no sense to me. "Hey I know you said your husband is okay with us seeing each other but I'm not sure so instead of asking him or talking to him for verification I'd rather we just keep this secret from everyone okay?"

Um, no.

Also, there are poly/mono relationships that work. However, coming from a stand point of opening our marriage after an affair and going from mono to poly/mono, I can safely say I have NOT seen it work with it's mono/poly because someone is not ALLOWED to be poly.

If he had an affair then yes, there's a lot of trust to rebuild there, and I get that! (I was the cheater and had to do it, still working on it honestly) However, saying you aren't comfortable with it NOW is different than I can't trust you so you dont' get to ever!

Some of the things that helped us with rebuilding trust were:

Transparency - yep, that means talking about everything. If one of us was uncomfortable telling the other something it was probably something we REALLY need to tell so we do. It also meant that my emails, ims, phone calls, all open to him to view and go over if he wants.

Research - going over books together and going over the check lists in some of them, discussing pitfalls others list, and situations made it easier. Oh yes, after double digit years married to suddenly be discussing safe sex in such detail was weird at first, but worth it!

Counseling - can not stress this one enough. We did much of it between the two of us but still five years later we are going to see an actual therapist to keep things running smoothly and make sure we are good on past things that hurt.


Whatever rules you two come up with for now, are for now. It doesn't have to be forever. If you can't trust him now, totally understandable. However, that's something to fix, to work on, not just say you can't and won't ever.
 
Yeah, Mike needs to get his ethics in order. As the person here who's versed in poly, and as someone who knows your marriage just went through a rough patch, the LAST thing he should be doing is encouraging you to be dishonest because he thinks your husband might not be ok with things!!! Just, really not cool, Mike.

Tell your husband asap, hopefully no harm was done. You don't want him getting it in his head that sneakiness is how you two roll, so it's ok for him to be sneaky in the future, do you?

As for mono/poly relationships, sure, they happen, but that really only seems workable to me if the monogamous partner is naturally monogamous. If your husband wants to be with other people, and you deny him that option while taking it for himself... yeah, that's not gonna end well at ALL. Either he'll lie to you, as he's done in the past, or his resentment will poison your relationship over time.
 
There is a lot of reading to be done here on the topic of jealousy. Also on the morethantwo website.

You made a bad mistake! He gave you his blessing to fuck Mike but then you did, and didn't tell him, before or immediately afterwards? Gosh.

There's no lying in Poly! Lies of omission are just as bad. Be an adult, tell your h the truth, and work on your trust and jealousy issues so that you can both manage polyamory properly. See my sig.
 
After everyone else already pointed it out

I am sure you fully understand why it isn't smart to have any aspect of dishonesty with your SO, especially after you two had done all the work to make sure you had permission, there really is no point to not following through and disclosing the info.

There are many reasons why secrets in general tend to bring a lot of unnecessary pain into relationships. Once there are secrets, it takes an awful lot of self monitoring and constant reflection to make sure that you aren't treating him unfairly because of underlying guilt. I know that sounds fucked up since you were the one cheated on and you did have permission but just didn't follow through with disclosure, and everything will be fine after you tell him, but I just thought I would point out often overlooked ways that secrets do damage.

It's hard enough to be consciously aware of the real reasons I get upset. If I am running late for work, I find myself getting upset at cars who aren't in a hurry like I am. But the real reason I am upset is because I didn't give myself enough time to get to work, and it's all to easy to fool myself into believing it's the guys only driving 29 in a 30 zone that's the "real" problem when nothing could be further from the truth.

Not being able to be honest, letting secrets exist, stuff like that often sets people up for angry interactions with the people they are supposed to be loving. Sometimes the real reasons for all the conflict is never recognized

Honesty is the only way to create smooth sailing in your relationships
 
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If I am running late for work, I find myself getting upset at cars who aren't in a hurry like I am. But the real reason I am upset is because I didn't give myself enough time to get to work, and it's all to easy to fool myself into believing it's the guys only driving 29 in a 30 zone that's the "real" problem when nothing could be further from the truth.

Yup. I know I have issues in my relationship, but I also know I have to work on them, or I'm not pulling my weight.

Honesty is the only way you can do this. Otherwise, you never have the opportunity. Everything is great, until... hahaha.. hohohoho... uuuuuuhhhh... Um.

Seriously, some of the stuff I was worried about my partner/metamour were worried about? Not big deals to them. MY big deals. Not theirs. People are different. If they ARE big deals, then you ALL need to work through them. If not, then... hey... not a big deal, but you'll never know until you talk.

Talk til ya puke is our motto. It's gotten messy but it's never been wrong for us. (Oh, my poor foot...)
 
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There's no lying in Poly!

Well, that's not even remotely true. Unless there are no people involved in a relationship there is always a chance someone is going to be dishonest... which doesn't do anything to change it from being polyamory (or any other relationship arrangement).

Also, I imagined Tom Hanks screaming that in A League of Their Own. "There's no crying in baseball"
 
OP, my take on it is that you don't want to tell your husband what you did NOT because he might "change his mind" and say you can't be with this guy again. Oh no. You didn't tell him because you're afraid that if you have someone else to fuck, your husband will want someone else to fuck, too.

Yes, poly/mono relationships can work, but that is not the way to do it. A poly/mono relationship can only be successful if the mono WANTS monogamy, NOT if they're forbidden from being poly. You will drive your husband to cheat again if you act this way. Said with tough love: you're being selfish and self-centered.

I say stop being so chicken-shit. Confess and talk about how your relationship might evolve into poly where you both might be able to be with other people. Face your fears and you might find they are not so scary after all!
 
It sounded more like revenge to me

as to why she had been given the green light, but then chose to go ahead and meet secretly. None of US will can ever really know why unless she tells US, and even then if a person isn't "in shape" with honesty (practicing being honest with themselves and those close to them) it is very easy to be conditioned to lie to ourselves and actually believe it. Only she can know the complex recipe of why, "the recipe" being the different aspects why she chose to not disclose, and even then she will only be able to identify the true reason why if she truly knows herself, which isn't as easy as it seems.

She sounds fairly honest with herself to me, hopefully she will come clean with her SO, because when you have even minor secrets such as that one, it eventually becomes all but impossible to treat your partners fairly, as the guilt will eventually manifest by treating your partner harshly, justified by some lame and completely unrelated reason. Like my example of blaming other drivers for me being late to work when the reality is I didn't get up on time. If this secret remains undisclosed, someday you tear him a new asshole because you did him wrong by not being completely honest. But give yourself a break, as he cheated on you. So go easy on yourself today, but if you want a happy healthy relationship that doesn't include being emotionally distant, you need to tell him
 
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OP here. Okay. Yes, it is completely accurate that I would like to explore poly , in a limited way (ie. with Mike) and am mortified at the thought of my husband being with anybody but me.

That being said, I did tell him, and he was okay with it. I have since seen Mike again, and was honest about that, too. Mike has said that both his girlfriends have expressed an interest in me. I talked to my husband about that, too, and I think I would be okay with him exploring too if I'm part of the exploration.

Toward that end, we're thinking of getting to know them better as a couple, but I don't know where the secondary girlfriend fits in.

Mike and my husband respect each other. This could be interesting if we could figure it out.

We're being honest with each other.
 
Addressing another concern: revenge. Again, total honesty: I think in some part I was hoping it would make him jealous, but it didn't, and I genuinely like Mike, and my husband is genuinely okay with it.

The whole story about the secrecy with Mike to begin with is that he wasn't sure my husband really was okay with it, and his girlfriends didn't think it was a good idea, given where my husband and I were in our relationship. He knew they would be disappointed in him if he went ahead anyway. So, yeah, there's dishonesty there, still.

Not sure where we're going, now. Maybe it'll end tomorrow. Or not. Wish I had a crystal ball!
 
"I think I would be okay with him exploring too if I'm part of the exploration."

You may wanna consider the fact that he and one or more of these women may develop feelings for each other, and you then being present/involved/a part of things/whatever may not be such a feasible option any more. These sorts of things can't necessarily be controlled. I would strongly recommend doing whatever you can to get a handle on your jealousy before jumping into new things.

"He knew they would be disappointed in him if he went ahead anyway."

Just wanna reiterate that "I'll keep this important info a secret so as not to upset anyone" is a really, really bad trait in a poly partner. Here's hoping that his tendency to lie rather than show integrity doesn't come back to bite you...
 
The advice here is good. You are used to being mono and you are approaching this with a mono mentality. It is not bad that you want to keep seeing him, it is not bad if you enjoy sex with him. You just need to be open and honest about it.

I had typed quite a bit that reads almost exactly like what nycindie said (glad I went to read some more and saw it). She hit the nail on the head.

Either way, I am glad you decided to share with your husband. Lying in poly makes a giant mess.
 
There's no lying in poly!

Well, that's not even remotely true. Unless there are no people involved in a relationship there is always a chance someone is going to be dishonest... which doesn't do anything to change it from being polyamory (or any other relationship arrangement).

Come now, Marcus. I thought it was obvious from my other comments I meant there *should* be no lying in poly. Complete ruthless honesty is required to make it work.

Also, I imagined Tom Hanks screaming that in A League of Their Own. "There's no crying in baseball"

Omigosh, I thought the same exact thing when I saw that in Mags's sig.

Great minds... :D:p

Well, that is what I was referencing, of course. In the movie, a ball player WAS crying, the coach required her to stop. Same here. Stop lying, even though you already did.
 
Come now, Marcus. I thought it was obvious from my other comments I meant there *should* be no lying in poly. Complete ruthless honesty is required to make it work.

There should be no lying in any personal relationships and hopefully not even in professional relationships. I now you weren't saying "if there is lying, it isn't poly".

However there does seem to be an odd confusion regarding poly relationships that open communication and honest are built in...

Glossary said:
Polyamory n 1: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time (2008). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2: romantically loving more than one person at a time 3: responsible non-monogamy based on honest open communication and conscious choices

I just wanted to make sure to publicly call bullshit on this front. This last definition and any assumption like it is one particular approach to poly and has exactly nothing to do with what the word actually means.

If these boards have anything to tell, there's plenty of lying in poly just like every other kind of relationship!

OP I'm glad you decided to stop being dishonest. I think you'll find that your relationships will be far less stressful and you'll extend their longevity greatly. There's no lying in healthy relationships!! (see what I did there)
 
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