@ quila - perhaps this is a difference in language usage between the UK and the US. here we use the phrase "fuck buddy" to mean a buddy who we fuck (aka have sex) with.
its a specific kind of friendship because the main or often only activity we would do with our fuck-buddy is have sex. whereas a friend in the general sense would mean someone we hang out and take part in various activities with. therefore a friend with benefits would be someone we have sex with but also hang out with as friends. a fuck buddy we mainly just have sex with, regardless of whether we feel love for them or not.
i appreciate this is a predominately US forum and will try to understand better the way words are used in the US from now on rather than sticking to UK meanings and uses, in the hope i will experience and create less confusion. if i stick around, which i am not sure about right now, but that's probably not of much interest to anyone except me which is fine!
perhaps it would help for me to add that although i love him, i have never ever been "in love" with him. or would that just confuse things ever more?!?
Knowing that you're from the UK actually goes a long way towards explaining why you would have such a different perception of the term than I'm used to...
Crisare, I'm wondering...why do you feel the need to rename or redefine dakid's relationship to better suit your terms? She's described very clearly what the relationship is to her and the name that she gives it. If you understand her relationship now, why do you need to label it differently than she does. Will that change your understanding?
If language is not precise, then people cannot communicate - which is exactly what has happened here.
I feel that I better understand dakid now that she has explained her definition of "fuckbuddy". Now I am curious about why she does not use the word lover to define that relationship ... and what type of relationship she would consider to be that of a lover. In learning that I will understand her point of view further.
So my question back to you is .. why do you feel the need to question my desire to understand or to come to a common understanding?
And where did I say she had to use the same term?I'm questioning your desire to make someone else use the same term you use in order to understand. .
And where did I say she had to use the same term?
What I said was that *I* would consider the relationship she described to be that of a lover. I then asked her to explain what she considers a "lover" if this isn't it.
I'm getting really frustrated with you telling me what I can and can't ask and what I can and can't say, Ceoli. This isn't the first time you've done it to me.
And where did I say she had to use the same term?
What I said was that *I* would consider the relationship she described to be that of a lover. I then asked her to explain what she considers a "lover" if this isn't it.
I'm getting really frustrated with you telling me what I can and can't ask and what I can and can't say, Ceoli. This isn't the first time you've done it to me.
Having lived in both the UK and the US, I can say that the difference in slang is part of it. There are also differing attitudes towards sexuality and sexual expression. In general, America tends to be pretty conservative about the role of sex in relationships and between people. This is far less so in the UK and other European countries. Basically, I've found that people are far more open to a far more diverse view of what constitutes a loving relationship than I've noticed here in the US.
Raven - in the previous exchange, you were right to react to that statement. I, too, was propagating the "multiple monogamy" version of poly, even to defend that against others who talked about the term applying to swinging and other forms of ope relationships.
In many talks with many people here and at home, I have discarded that POV as pointless, divisive, and not even applicable to my own situation. I was also absent from these boards for a while. WHen I came back, I was astonished at the way some posts here attacked different POV's, and when I began to post again those 'attacks' quickly turned to me and my new POV as well.
No, they're not always direct, personal, attacks (though some are). But when people post that your relationship does't qualify as poly, or that certain behaviours 'don't count' and 'aren't poly' on a board where people are looking for support in poly relationships, it's going to be taken harshly whether or not it was intended as such.
To answer all of the above - because the terminilogy is different to different people, lol. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Not hard to grasp. The word 'fuck' is't even derogatoryu or offensive to a lot of people anymore!
crisare, i think what ceoli and myself have at times found challenging with some of your posts and the posts indeed of several others have appeared to discount views which are not immediately understood or which are different to yours (plural).
while it is fine by me if you (again plural) want to ask questions to aid your/our further understanding of each other, i would say that not enough care has been made at times to avoid that sounding like a negative judgement or even denial of our reality.
none of us is perfect and i have made mistakes too. however with some folks here i am at the moment lacking the faith that it is always a mistake. i am not saying this includes you necessarily, right now i am not entirely sure to be honest, but it does seem some folk on here are unwilling to accept and welcome into the community folk who have different/broader definitions of love than they.
there are undertones of "sex is bad unless its in a committed relationship and i don't want to be tainted by association with people who have sex outside of a longterm relationship which is leading some people to say that the only way to practise polyamory is their way - in exclusive and ongoing partnerships/relationships, which some might describe as multiple-monogamy or polyfidelity. i accept that as one way of practising polyamory but i do not accept it as the only way.
this denies the reality of some of us here such as me and ceoli (i think) and as such is a form of rudeness and is very divisive. whilst we can respect their way of life it does not always seem to work in the other direction and that is sad (and can be very hurtful).
I also hope you stick around. I saw everyone ganging up on you, and I started writing my reply to clarify what I'd said, and my husband leaned over and read everyone else's reply and told me it sounded like I didn't need to bother responding because you were full of it and everyone had already pointed that out. But I decided to ignore him, and clarify my statements. I'm glad I did, because you were patient enough to read it and give me a second chance.
I also have to agree that I've always thought there was something missing from "friends with benefits," because it implies other friendships don't have benefits.
Anyone I have slept with otherwise I know intimate things about in some way, from their body or how they respond sexually. That to me denotes an intimacy that is not a "benefit" because they are not "giving" it to me but sharing and I with them