Showing the pictures -- yeah, it's weird. Really messed up. But we were once a COUPLE and I guess both of us are not over that yet.
We had a moment where we were talking openly, like we used to. He showed me some of their text conversations and the pictures they have sent back and forth. At the time I was glad he did -- no more secrets. But you're right, Mag, his secrets are sick and I should just stay out of them, for my own sanity. For one thing, he said she would be mad if she knew he was showing them to me. How many things has he shared with her, about me, that I thought were private, just between us?
Ignorance is bliss, right? Or knowledge is power?! I am glad I know she wrote my sons' names in the sand and sent him a picture. It shows me they are way closer than he claims. It reminds me not to believe him when he makes it sound like I'm the only one he wants -- obviously he is telling her the same thing!!
It would be so easy to cave. It really helps me to keep hearing all of you. Staying out of denial is WORK for me. But if I go back in and believe his pretty lies, I will have to face all the pain and disappointment all over again. I do take walks, I do focus on the kids, I am not obsessing over him 24/7 (I'm getting much better) -- but I come here to get perspective. I could so easily get sucked in by him. I can start to fantasize, maybe we really COULD be poly, IF ONLY..... if only he could be honest. Well, that's just not looking too promising, is it??? But I go back to dreaming, what if Barbie could be my sister wife, after all? What if I could just forgive things, what if he tried something new, what if she really does love him and our kids and she could love me too....? OR -- maybe I could fight for him, for our marriage, I could blow her right out of the water, make some threats, some ultimatums, scare her off.... I'm not really like that, but I could make her feel really shitty if I wanted to. Probably guilty enough she'd stay away. At the very least, I could tell her the fucking TRUTH -- I wouldn't even HAVE to be mean, HE has done enough, on his own, for their little house of cards to fall real quick! She and I could become the best of friends, and send HIM packing!!! One minute I hate her, the next minute I feel sorry for her, the next I'm sad because I've never even met her, the next I'm hopeful that she'll take him off my hands, the next I'm jealous because she will, then I'm mad because she isn't taking him fast enough!!!!!
He just called me and was all tentative, saying I'm so cold he has no choice but to leave me alone. He said, "If you're not willing to try and change things, then I have no choice...." And I said, "Wait a minute, I HAVE changed things! This IS a change!!!!" Duh! He just wants me to change BACK! into a girl he can manipulate more easily. He says "You could at least be civil. You are so MEAN, it really hurts my feelings. I'm nice to YOU." And I feel the guilt, trying to pour in......
I AM nice. I AM. I'm a nice person! But right now it will much better serve me to be a bitch. Ugh. This is awful. I wish he'd just stay away from me. We'll both be home in the house tonight, with the kids. It's hard to play happy family, but he knows he's got me right where he wants me when the kids are around. I can't explain to them why I'm being detached from him. And he lays it on THICK, with them in the room. Tries to kiss me hello, like always, like everything's the same. It's NOT the same.
I tried to encourage him to stay with her on Wednesdays, but he didn't go for it. SHE must be busy. Well, he could even have gotten a hotel up near work for the night. WTF. He wants to stay here and pressure me, that's what.