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Old 09-29-2009, 04:53 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
See that's what bothers me! His gf#1 bf has asked him to NOT have sex with her for a while, and he told him (and in the same thread told ME) that he is "a grown man who can decide for himself when and if he has sex". To me, this is pure selfishness when you are involved with more than one person....

I really get frustrated when he is so stubborn, but at the same time, when I think if someone was trying to tell me I couldn't have sex with someone, I would be a bit annoyed maybe - I don't know it depends on who it was.

It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on....isn't that the same as cheating?
First, I think the reason you freaked out earlier was identified when you said he planned to spend more time with the other women and you felt he wasn't spending enough time with you already. The jealousy likely stems from that--you're fearing the loss of necessary time with him.

Next, for lots of poly folk, yes, that is cheating, if the agreements in place don't allow for it.

I have to say I'm troubled by what I've read. There seems to be lots of selfish behavior going on that isn't good for relationships.

In any relationship, there are at least three parts that need taken care of: You, Me, and Us. For a relationship to work well, each person has to take care of him- or herself (Me), the other person (You), and the relationship (Us). Things fall apart when one or both partners begin neglecting parts of the whole.

With poly tangles, the range of parts to be taken care of expands: You, Me, Us, and Other--with Other referring to both "other person" and "other relationship" and may involve multiple other persons.

From what you've reported, Nick is refusing to take care of You & Us while only attending to his Me and chasing after the Other. That's not an indicator of likely success for any of the relationships. You have to address the question of why you would want to stay involved with someone who shows such disregard for you; take up the issue with him and find out if he's serious about taking care of you and your relationship and figure out what's best for you based on that.
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